(Location: Noble Academy, East Courtyard & Unintentional Worship Zone)
Let me be perfectly clear: I was trying to give a speech, not launch a religion.
And yet, by the end of the afternoon, there were banners with my face on them, muffins being offered like sacred artifacts, and one student calling me the "Breakfast Prophet."
Inner Me: I should've skipped class today. Or life.
### Morning Assembly of Doom
The day started as most do at Noble Academy: with me frantically tying my cravat while dodging an enchanted toothbrush and questioning the point of my noble education.
"You're giving the inspiration speech today," Seraphina said flatly, shoving a scroll into my hands.
"I... what now?"
"Headmaster Owlinus said you embody 'hope through unfortunate circumstances.'"
Inner Me: Translation: They ran out of speakers.
Belladonna was already halfway through stuffing an alchemical muffin into her mouth. "You'll be great, Kael! Just talk about how not to explode during alchemy class."
"That was one time!"
"Exactly," she said, smiling innocently.
By the time I reached the courtyard stage, half the student body was gathered. Some were seated. Some were floating. One was a frog. Possibly cursed. Possibly on purpose.
I took the podium.
I cleared my throat.
I began my speech.
"Uh. Good morning. As your fellow unfortunate soul navigating this magically-charged disaster camp of hormones, homework, and hexes... I just want to say: You're not alone."
The crowd was eerily quiet.
"Sometimes, you'll wake up cursed. Sometimes, your breakfast will explode. Sometimes, you'll accidentally acquire four noble fiancées and be hunted by a tea cult."
A ripple of murmurs.
"But that's okay. Because none of us know what we're doing, and pretending is half the battle."
### The Muffin Brotherhood Awakens
Apparently, my words struck... a *very* strange chord.
Three students immediately burst into tears. Another dropped to their knees. A fourth held up a muffin like it was the Philosopher's Stone.
A banner unrolled from the balcony above:
> ALL HAIL KAEL, THE FIRST OF THE BREAKFAST REVELATIONS.
Inner Me: No. No no no.
One student approached. She wore toast earrings. Her robe was embroidered with tiny croissants. Her eyes burned with fanatic clarity.
"Your Excellency," she said, "we have heard your call. The Brotherhood of the Muffin shall rise again."
"Wait, 'again'?"
"It is written in the Crumbs of Destiny."
Belladonna cackled from the crowd. Seraphina covered her face with her hand.
The Muffin Cult chanted.
I wept internally.
### Things Escalate. Obviously.
One hour later, my face was etched into a giant pancake sculpture in the mess hall.
They held a 'sacred brunch' in my name.
Someone tried to bake me a crown.
A letter arrived from the local Templars of Toast requesting an audience.
The headmaster summoned me to his office.
"Mr. Reinhardt," said Headmaster Owlinus, staring at me with his enormous owl eyes. "Did you or did you not summon a breakfast-based religious order on school grounds?"
"Accidentally."
"As usual."
I nodded. He sighed. A long, feathery, dignified sigh.
"Please try to keep it down to one cult per semester."
### The Transfer Student With the Scowl of Doom
While dodging another ceremonial muffin offering, I collided with her.
She was tall. Dark-haired. Eyes like obsidian daggers. Dressed in all black with silver accents that whispered 'war crimes.'
She caught me mid-fall.
"Watch it."
"Sorry, I was running from my own accidental fanbase."
She blinked. "Typical."
"And you are...?"
"Virellia Morthshade."
The name hit like a thunderclap.
Inner Me: Oh no. The Demon General's daughter.
She handed me a note.
> "I am to be your fourth fiancée. Signed: The Demon Court."
Me: "...I need to lie down."
She handed me a potion.
"Don't drink this unless you want to hallucinate being a duck."
Inner Me: She might be my favorite already.
Belladonna appeared beside me, holding her muffin like a sword. Seraphina flanked the other side with narrowed eyes.
Aureline, as usual, simply phased into existence from a shadowy corner, sipping tea.
Virellia: "Let me guess. They're all betrothed too?"
Me: "Apparently, I am the collector's edition."
They all stared at me.
The muffin cult offered a group blessing.
I pretended to vanish.
### New System Update: Cult Status Active
My system pinged:
> \[NEW TITLE UNLOCKED: Accidental Apostle]
> \[Blessing Received: +2 to Muffin Resistance]
> \[Side Effect: Muffin-related miracles may spontaneously occur around you. Good luck.]
Inner Me: I need a vacation. Preferably in another timeline.
### Evening Debriefing (with Passive-Aggression)
That night, I sat in the library with my four fiancées. A circle of muffins surrounded me like edible judgment.
"So," Seraphina said, sipping herbal tea with excessive poise. "Another cult."
"Not my fault."
"You were the one who gave a speech about cursed breakfasts."
Belladonna was already plotting something with a muffin and a vial.
Aureline flipped through a dark prophecy book. "Page 77 says this was foretold."
Virellia sharpened a dagger on her fork.
Me: "Can't we just pretend today didn't happen?"
Seraphina sipped again. "And the Muffin Brotherhood?"
"They're now a book club. We compromised."
### The Final Incident: Muffin-Induced Collapse
Just as I thought it was over, a first-year student burst in, tossed a tray of muffins onto my desk, and shouted:
"You have freed us! The Muffin Tyranny is no more!"
Then promptly fainted.
Inner Me: This is my legacy. This is what I'll be remembered for.
### Next Time On: "Yes, I Was Reborn…"
Kael tries to attend a peaceful tea ceremony.
He gets kidnapped.
By squirrels.
Kael's Message to Readers: Did this chapter make you crave muffins? Want to start a cult? Or just laugh at my suffering? Then comment. I need a distraction from being spiritually glutened.
Inner Me: Someone save me. Preferably with pancakes.