It started innocently enough—like most disasters in Travis and Carlton's lives.
One morning, Travis opened the living room curtains and muttered, "They're back."
Carlton, half-asleep and holding a cereal bowl filled with dry granola and an ice cube (he called it "crunch therapy"), blinked slowly. "Who?"
"Squirrels."
Outside, at least seven squirrels sat along the fence, glaring into their apartment windows like a furry jury.
One even had an acorn balanced dramatically on its head, as if mocking the laws of physics and decorum.
Buttermilk, perched on her ethically-sourced meditation pillow, made a low growling sound. It was not her usual "I smell cheese" growl. It was deeper. Warmer. Ancient.
Carlton lowered his bowl. "Oh no. She remembers."
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Flashback: The Great Chase
During her zen goddess era, Buttermilk had tried to maintain a peaceful presence, resisting her urge to chase squirrels. But that all broke down during a livestream when a particularly bold squirrel dropped a peanut onto her head.
The world watched in horror as Buttermilk shed her flower crown, bolted off-screen, and chased the squirrel with a fury that made monks question their vows.
It was raw. It was primal. It was trending #1 on PetTube for 48 hours.
That day had ended the cult.
But it had begun something else.
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The Return of Barkrage
The squirrels had been gathering. Their movements organized. Strategic.
They would sit on the fence during Buttermilk's photoshoots. Scatter acorns in suspicious patterns. One even launched a tiny twig into the dog door.
It wasn't just mischief. It was… tactical.
Carlton whispered over his laptop, "We need to name this."
Travis: "Name what?"
Carlton turned the screen around to reveal a chaotic collage of screenshots, fan tweets, and blurry squirrel surveillance footage.
"The Squirrel Wars," he said solemnly. "Volume One."
But just as Travis was about to declare it a phase, an even bigger threat arrived—in the form of a golden retriever named Prince Barkley.
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Enter: Prince Barkley (aka The Golden Threat)
Prince Barkley wasn't just any dog influencer.
He had:
A verified account.
A six-pack (yes, somehow).
A personal trainer who only spoke in motivational quotes.
His brand? Regal Bark. Unleash Elegance.
He wore velvet capes. Modeled with French bulldogs on yachts. And, to Carlton's horror, he just signed a deal with a kombucha brand called Sniffscoby.
But the worst offense?
He posted a video captioned:
> "Unlike some dogs, I don't chase squirrels. I invite them to brunch."
It was clearly shade. The comments were ruthless:
> @cultcrystal: "BUTTERMILK WOULD NEVER. Or maybe she would? I'm confused but invested."
> @goldbone87: "Squirrel brunch is the new enlightenment."
Travis stared at the screen. "We're under attack."
Carlton nodded. "Time to weaponize the cuteness."
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Crisis Meeting: Operation Woofstorm
They gathered in the living room with whiteboards, sticky notes, and the one surviving sage stick (now strictly decorative).
Buttermilk sat in the center, eyes closed, tail twitching like a war drum.
Carlton clapped. "Alright. We're launching a response campaign. Here's what we've got so far:"
1. New Merch Drop: "Chase Inner Peace, Not Squirrels" hoodies.
2. Short-form video: Buttermilk ignoring a squirrel... with intense restraint.
3. PetTube Collab: A joint meditation livestream with Meatloaf (who now lived part-time in a yurt).
Travis added, "And we call it: Paws of Peace."
Buttermilk, clearly unimpressed, licked her own foot.
Still, the campaign launched within 48 hours.
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The Battle for Barkfluence
The internet chose chaos.
Prince Barkley fans formed the Regal Retrievers.
Buttermilk's loyalists rebranded as the Zenpack.
Digital warfare broke out.
People made fan art of Buttermilk chasing squirrels drawn in oil-painting style with captions like "The Last Enlightenment."
Someone wrote a 12-part fanfiction about Buttermilk and Prince Barkley co-owning a squirrel sanctuary and falling in love. Carlton wept halfway through.
But behind the memes and merch, something strange happened.
The squirrels started responding.
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Phase Two: The Squirrel Escalation
The first sign came in the form of a tiny envelope shoved under their door.
It had a pawprint on it.
Inside: a single acorn... and a photo of Buttermilk mid-chase, taken from the squirrel's point of view.
Travis gasped. "They've gone full espionage."
Carlton, reading a Reddit thread titled Squirrels for the Resistance, groaned. "They're unionizing. There's a manifesto."
From that day forward:
Acorns appeared in their shoes.
A squirrel hijacked a livestream by mooning the camera.
A mysterious TikTok account @TreeNinjas started posting parody videos of Buttermilk falling off yoga mats.
Followers were torn between laughter and alarm.
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An Unlikely Alliance
Desperate for backup, Carlton made a bold move: contacting Guru Steve.
Now running a surprisingly successful pug-themed smoothie bar called Holy Slurp, Guru Steve arrived in robes, holding a chia-seed dog biscuit.
"I felt the tremors in the Barkverse," he said solemnly.
Travis: "What?"
Guru Steve: "Your aura's misaligned. Also, I brought backup."
From behind him waddled four retired therapy dogs and a corgi in a tracksuit named Mindy who apparently knew judo.
They set up a "peace perimeter" in the apartment. It mostly involved napping in a circle around Buttermilk and occasionally barking at squirrels through the window.
Travis whispered, "This is absurd."
Carlton, gently stroking a snoring bulldog, replied, "This is family."
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The Viral Twist
Just when things hit peak absurdity, the unthinkable happened.
Buttermilk uploaded her own video.
Well… she accidentally walked across Travis's laptop and somehow recorded a slow-motion video of herself spinning in a circle and farting mid-twirl.
The caption, auto-generated: "Bork Spiral of Tranquility."
It got 14 million views.
Suddenly, everything de-escalated.
Prince Barkley commented: "A true master at work. I yield."
Squirrels stopped their shenanigans. One even left a flower outside the door.
Guru Steve declared a new era: "The Borkening is complete."
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Aftermath: The Dog Who Barked Peace
With the rival silenced, the squirrels appeased, and the internet once again distracted by a hamster playing the drums, life returned to normal.
Or, their version of it.
Carlton updated the merch store with a new section called "Peace Treaties and Tail Wags".
Travis started working on a children's book titled Buttermilk and the Bork Spiral.
And Buttermilk?
She slept.
She farted.
And occasionally, she barked at the fridge because the fridge deserved it.
The Squirrel Wars might be over.
But as long as there's hummus on the floor and drama online, one thing was clear:
Buttermilk's reign was far from over.
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