It started, as most questionable ideas did, with a Carlton monologue.
"Why do human influencers get all the attention? Award shows, collabs, even their own perfumes. But what about the dogs? The real stars?"
Travis, stirring oat milk into his third coffee, blinked. "You're proposing... what, exactly?"
Carlton raised his hands. "A competitive event. Dogfluencer vs. Dogfluencer. The Dogfluencer Games."
Buttermilk barked. Meatloaf sneezed. Destiny was confirmed.
---
Game On
They booked a venue: an abandoned water park retrofitted into a makeshift arena. Carlton called it "post-ironic chic." Travis called it "a tetanus nightmare." But the brand deals rolled in regardless.
Sponsorships flooded in:
Chewbucks
Woof & Co.
Barkflix Originals (Netflix's pet division, probably a tax write-off)
Snausage Supreme
Ethical Pawtisserie (vegan dog macarons)
Events included:
The Sniffathlon
Agility with Attitude
Barkle Royale (a musical bark-off judged by a golden retriever with a top hat)
Zoomie Dash (speed judged by tail floppiness and facial expression)
Influencer dogs arrived in droves. Biscuit, still salty from the Barkbecue, returned with glitter armor and a squad of mini doodles in tactical vests. A French bulldog named Monsieur Floof parachuted in with rose petals and a drone entourage playing accordion covers of Lady Gaga.
Travis: "Why does he have a drone entourage?" Carlton: "It's branding."
---
Buttermilk's Reluctance
While other dogs practiced posing under wind machines and sipping coconut water infused with duck essence, Buttermilk was busy eating cheese behind a dumpster and chasing her tail in existential loops.
Travis crouched beside her. "Don't you want to win? Be the queen of content?"
Buttermilk yawned, then rolled over and fell asleep.
Carlton whispered, "She's going full anti-hero arc. I love it."
He later made a meme that read: When you're too iconic to care. It got 1.4 million shares.
---
Opening Ceremony
Carlton hosted in a velvet suit with paw print lapels and a headset mic he insisted made him look like a "Bark Zuckerberg."
"Welcome to the first-ever Dogfluencer Games! Where tail wags meet fame tags!"
The crowd (mostly humans in onesies, dog-ear headbands, and artisanal kibble brand hoodies) roared.
Balloons shaped like bones floated into the air. Someone released a flock of doves. Someone else released a flock of pigeons wearing tiny Buttermilk capes.
Buttermilk made her entrance last—sitting on a velvet skateboard pushed by Meatloaf, wearing oversized sunglasses and a bib that read "Live, Laugh, Lick."
A hush fell over the crowd.
"She's the moment," someone whispered.
---
The Games Begin
Event 1: Agility with Attitude
Monsieur Floof twirled through hoops, ending each jump with a wink and bow. Biscuit moonwalked over balance beams while firing confetti from her collar. A corgi in a rhinestone cape attempted a backflip, landed on a plush duck, and rode the momentum into a nap.
Buttermilk… slept on the podium.
The judges awarded her "Maximum Vibe Points."
Event 2: The Sniffathlon
Contestants had to identify six scents:
Bacon
Tennis ball
Owner's socks
Existential dread
Squirrel fur
Betrayal (a hot dog wrapped in lettuce)
Monsieur Floof sniffed each, flared his nostrils dramatically, and sneezed in disgust at the lettuce.
Buttermilk sniffed once and walked away to pee on the judge's shoe.
Carlton gasped. "She transcended the challenge."
The judge nodded solemnly. "Art."
Event 3: Barkle Royale
Dogs lined up for the ultimate bark-off. Biscuit harmonized in three octaves with backup barks from a gospel pug choir. Monsieur Floof recited French poetry barks while tossing roses. A Great Dane attempted throat singing.
Buttermilk let out a single, soulful "woof." Then stared into the camera like she knew secrets about your childhood.
The golden retriever judge wept.
---
The Finale
As the final scores tallied, drama unfolded. Biscuit accused Buttermilk of being "too aloof to be authentic." Monsieur Floof growled in French.
Carlton leapt to her defense. "Authenticity is aloofness!"
Travis added, "She's like the Greta Garbo of dogfluencers. If Garbo had a squeaky frog collection."
The golden retriever judge held up the final card: a glittery paw print.
Buttermilk had won.
Confetti cannons exploded. The crowd howled. Someone released therapy llamas. No one questioned it.
A coronation followed. She was gifted a golden squeaky crown encrusted with faux jewels and peanut butter. She immediately chewed it to pieces.
---
Aftermath
Netflix bought the rights and greenlit a limited docuseries: The Barkening: Rise of a Queen.
Fans created a subreddit titled r/BarkQueen. The top post read: "She woofed once and healed my anxiety."
Monsieur Floof was offered a skincare line. Biscuit released a diss track.
Carlton framed the winning moment in glitter resin. Travis got a small tattoo of Buttermilk's silhouette on his ankle.
At home, Buttermilk slept in a blanket fort made of her merch. Meatloaf wrote fanfiction. Travis sighed. "Next year's going to be even weirder, isn't it?"
Buttermilk farted.
Carlton smiled. "Oh yeah."