Carlton stood in the center of their living room, staring at the giant shipping crate that had arrived with no return label and only one word painted on the side: "AWAKEN."
Travis circled it cautiously. "You don't think it's another statue of Buttermilk made of moonstone, do you?"
Carlton snorted. "That was at least labeled 'fragile.' This feels... different."
Buttermilk, wearing her favorite faux-fur bathrobe, strutted over and sniffed the crate with great theatrical flair. She then pawed at it twice, grunted, and trotted away like a sommelier who'd just judged a bottle of gas station wine.
Travis slowly lifted the lid.
Inside was what appeared to be a high-tech pod. A sleek, silver capsule covered in buttons and levers, with stickers reading "BARKTECH INDUSTRIES" and "Experimental Spiritual Interface – V3.7."
Carlton blinked. "Why does it have cup holders?"
Just then, a letter fluttered out of the crate. Travis caught it and read aloud:
> "To the Keepers of the Fluffy Prophet, We are a startup based out of Palo Alto and an ashram in Sedona. We've developed the Enlightenment Accelerator—an AI-driven neural recalibration pod that uses Buttermilk's bark frequencies to awaken dormant mindfulness potential in humans. Please beta test it. Also, is Buttermilk available for a TED Talk?"
Carlton threw his head back. "Of course she is."
---
Beta Testing the BarkPod
After thirty-two minutes of YouTube tutorials, Carlton was suited up and locked into the pod. Travis pressed "Power."
The pod vibrated.
A soothing voice spoke from the speakers: "Welcome, seeker. Let the fur guide you."
Then came a looped recording of Buttermilk barking softly, overlaid with ambient windchimes, a whale call, and someone whispering "woof" every twenty seconds.
Carlton's pupils dilated.
Travis watched nervously. "Do you feel enlightened?"
Carlton emerged ten minutes later, sweating profusely and grinning like a man who had seen both the beginning and end of time in the shape of a milk bone.
"I spoke to the ancient canine," he said. "Her name... was Brenda."
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The Enlightenment Accelerator Goes Public
They filmed a testimonial and posted it online.
Carlton (draped in gold lamé): "I journeyed into the infinite kennel of the soul. I returned changed. Also, I now crave duck-flavored treats."
Within two hours, #BarkPod trended globally.
Buttermilk was invited to headline a tech conference.
Gwyneth Paltrow posted: "Finally, a device that truly centers me. I barked. I wept. I achieved furvana."
Sales exploded.
Within three days, there were BarkPods in Beverly Hills spas, Himalayan retreats, and one submarine off the coast of Iceland.
---
Side Effects May Include…
Reports poured in:
A banker in Zurich said he astrally projected and fetched a tennis ball on Mars.
A retired dentist in Brisbane now only communicates in howls.
An entire yoga class in Portland began worshipping their dachshund as a deity.
The FDA called. Carlton answered, pretending to be "Mr. Woofstein."
"Hello, this is... totally not a dog influencer's apartment."
---
Meanwhile, Buttermilk…
...was extremely unimpressed.
She had taken to rolling her eyes at meditation music and demanded only filtered rainwater from ethically guilt-free clouds.
Worse, she'd started judging the followers' posture during yoga livestreams.
"Does she seem more... diva than usual?" Travis whispered.
"She rejected her organic bone because the marrow wasn't 'aligned with Virgo rising,'" Carlton whispered back.
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The Bark Bubble Bursts
Things imploded when Elon Musk tried the BarkPod, live-streamed the experience, and emerged speaking only in barks.
The stock market wobbled.
The New York Times ran a headline: "Dog Cult Sparks Bark-onomic Collapse."
Carlton panicked. "We need to recall the pods. Now."
Travis groaned. "But the waiting list is 80,000 people long."
Carlton slapped a BarkPod. "Better than a Senate hearing!"
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The Return to Reality
In a dramatic livestream titled "Bark Responsibly," Travis and Carlton announced the shutdown of the BarkPod project.
"Buttermilk," Travis said, "is not a certified spiritual guide. She cannot awaken your chakras, though she may awaken your sandwich if you leave it unattended."
Carlton nodded solemnly. "Let us all agree that dogs are magic... but also very gassy and prone to rolling in mud."
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The Aftermath
The BarkPods were repurposed into luxury dog beds.
Guru Steve sued them for "emotional de-enlightenment," then dropped the case when Buttermilk gave him a lick.
Gwyneth Paltrow launched her own knockoff pod, the "YapNest." It exploded in beta testing.
Buttermilk, now free of spiritual burdens, went viral again—this time for heroically saving a squirrel from a kiddie pool.
Carlton and Travis, relieved, cuddled her on the couch.
"She's not a prophet," Carlton said.
"She's not a brand," Travis agreed.
Buttermilk farted.
Carlton waved his hand. "She is, however, extremely consistent."
Travis raised a paw in salute. "To the Prophet of Paws."
They all howled softly as the screen faded to black.
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