It began with an email titled: "Dinner With Divinity: You're Invited!"
Carlton stared at the subject line like it had personally insulted his intelligence. Travis, on the other hand, opened it with the kind of enthusiasm typically reserved for unboxing videos or discount codes for oat milk.
"It's from The Sniffsonian," Travis whispered reverently. "They want to host a dinner in Buttermilk's honor. A tasting menu. Eleven courses. Each one based on a 'moment of spiritual canine insight.'"
Carlton groaned. "Didn't we just disband the cult?"
"Yes, but this is food."
And that's how they found themselves sitting at a 14-foot-long mahogany table in the heart of a pop-up restaurant called The Pawletariat, located inside a converted museum of mildly haunted toasters.
Buttermilk had her own velvet throne. The throne had wheels. And mood lighting.
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Course One: The Enlightened Egg (Soft-boiled, with furikake sprinkles)
A chef wearing a robe entered with dramatic flair and a fog machine. He set the egg before Buttermilk, bowed deeply, and whispered, "To the One Who Wags."
Buttermilk sniffed the egg. Then barked at it. Twice. A sous-chef wept softly in the corner.
Carlton leaned over to Travis. "We are once again too deep in the bone broth."
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Course Two: Sacred Sweet Potato Pâté on Air-Fried Duck Crackers
Guests were required to hum a B-flat note before tasting. This allegedly activated the "taste chakras." One woman started levitating. Turned out she had vertigo.
Travis was loving it.
Carlton tried to request normal bread. He was handed a quinoa-scented napkin instead.
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Course Three: Deconstructed Kibble Foam with a Scent of Regret
"Regret?" Carlton asked.
"Yes," the waiter replied. "It's emotionally infused."
Buttermilk licked it once. Then rolled dramatically on the floor. The entire room applauded.
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The Media Arrives
Halfway through Course Five (Cosmic Carrot Confit), reporters arrived.
"Is Buttermilk aware of her global impact?" one asked.
"She once ate a tennis ball," Travis replied. "She's aware of tennis."
A French journalist attempted to interview her in hushed tones. Buttermilk sneezed on his mic.
The quote made headlines: *"The Divine One Rejects Material Probes."
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Course Seven: Inner Peace Popcorn (Infused with Chamomile and Existential Dread)
Carlton flat-out refused to eat it. "I don't eat emotions," he said. "Especially not midlife crisis flavor."
Buttermilk ate two handfuls and fell asleep on her throne. A monk tried to interpret her dreams live on Twitch.
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Course Eight: The Barkening Biscuit (With Goat Cheese and Tiny Hopes)
Travis cried. "It's just so… flaky. Like the idea of stability in our modern world."
Carlton stole someone else's cocktail.
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Course Nine: Tail-Chasing Tiramisu
Layered in circular swirls, meant to symbolize the endless pursuit of truth, or possibly squeaky toys.
Buttermilk sniffed it and barked three times. The waitstaff burst into spontaneous interpretive dance.
Carlton asked for the check. There wasn't one. The meal was "paid for by the universe."
He left $40 in cash under a napkin anyway.
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Course Ten: Enlightenment Through Entrees: A Lecture
A surprise course. Not food. A TED-style talk.
A man in corduroy pants explained the metaphysics of digestion.
Carlton fell asleep. Travis took notes.
Buttermilk farted. The mic picked it up.
Applause.
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Course Eleven: Transcendent Treat Truffles (Only Visible To Those Who Believe)
Guests stared at empty plates. Some swore they could taste chocolate. One woman said she could see the spirit of her childhood dog.
Carlton said, "This is just hunger hallucinations."
But then he smelled peanut butter.
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The Doggie Bag of Destiny
At the end of the evening, each guest received a tiny scroll: "You have dined with the Divine. Go forth and wag."
Also, a dog-shaped cookie. Buttermilk ate seven of them.
As they walked home under the soft glow of streetlights, Carlton sighed. "I miss when she was just a dog who chased pigeons."
"She still is," Travis said.
Buttermilk, just ahead of them, chased a squirrel statue and crashed into a bush.
They both nodded.
"Yup," Carlton said. "Still got it."
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