SARAH
After the roaring sound of the shot, all Sarah could feel was emptiness. Her eyes were locked on Sophia's tiny frame lying on the ground. Her skin was greyish, so different from the girl she remembered, running around with Carl, asking questions and hugging her doll.
Sarah felt the same way when that happened to Amy and Jim not so long before, even if it felt like years ago.
That was not fair...
They weren't supposed to die like that. They weren't supposed to die at all.
Amy was full of life. Jim was so hard-working. And Sophia was so young.
Why were they living in that world? What had happened to their old reality? Where a girl of Amy's age should have been at college. Where a man like Jim should have been at home with his family. And where a girl like Sophia should have been running around and playing.
Sarah turned to look around her. There were so many people, yet so few...
They were a small group, but there were more before. How long would they have lasted? What more could happen? Who was the next?
At that thought, Sarah shivered. No one should be next. They should grow old together, building a life—building a new reality.
But what reality? What were they heading to? What was she heading to? And Glenn and her friends? And Nicki and Carl?
What was the point of all of this?
Suddenly, Carol's cry made her turn. She saw the woman push Daryl so that she could run away from where they were.
Sarah's heart clenched at the sight. That poor woman... how could she move on from that? Sarah could never move on...
After that thought, she immediately turned towards Nicki. Her sister was still next to her, her arms limp at her sides, the bow on the ground. Her face was pale as she kept staring at Sophia, breathing slowly.
Sarah moved closer. "Nicki-" but suddenly, a scream made her turn to see Beth knelt on the ground next to a walker that had grabbed her by the hair, trying to bite her. Sarah gasped as she moved towards the girl as all the others did: Rick and Shane grabbed her, trying to keep the walker from biting her, as Glenn was next to Sarah, taking one leg of the monster each, trying to pull it away. After Rick Meggie arrived, she was screaming and shaking. And then suddenly, T-Dog ran to them, starting to slam his foot over the walker's head. The walker released Beth, but it went towards Glenn, which stopped it, grabbing it by its arms.
"Oh my God!" Sarah gasped, moving towards her friend, trying to push the walker down by the shoulders, but suddenly, the walker went limp, only thanks to Andrea, who had skewered its head with a scythe.
They all went silent as Beth kept crying, too shaken up to say anything or move. Sarah was breathing hard, trying to see if there was any scratch or bite on Beth's body, but it didn't seem so. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her arm, and turning, she saw Glenn nodding his head at her, silently asking her if she was alright. Sarah found herself nodding weakly before turning to her sister, who was still where she had left her before. She was still looking at Sophia with pale skin and slow breaths.
"Nicki..." she muttered, standing up from the ground to run to her sister.
"Nicolette..." Sarah whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder to try and make her sister look away from the girl, but Nicki let out a whiny sound, not wanting to move.
"No," her sister said, shaking her head. "No."
"Nicolette, please."
"No..." Nicki said, biting her lips to try to hold back the tears. But the tears ran down her cheeks anyway.
"Sweety," she tried to make her sister look at her, but Nicki moved away, rubbing her eyes as she walked away. Sarah observed her sister passing next to Dale, who looked at her with a worried expression. Then, she passed Lori and Carl, who were still on the ground.
Sarah didn't feel like following Nicolette, knowing that she would have only made it worse for her sister. Sarah turned to the scene in front of her at all the bodies on the ground. Then her eyes moved to Hershel and his family; they were all destroyed by what they had witnessed, and Sarah couldn't help but feel bad about what had happened, looking at the gun still in her hand. She felt responsible for their sorrow, and that feeling didn't leave her as the family walked back to the house. Glenn had turned to Sarah for a moment before following Maggie. Sarah nodded at him, knowing that now he wanted and needed to be with the girl; they could talk later. But she couldn't help but bite her lips when she noticed Shane following the Greenes.
"Shane," she tried in a weak voice as the man passed next to her, but he ignored her, pacing furiously, followed by Rick, who was still pale from what he had just done—what they all made him do.
"Are you ok?" Andrea's voice made Sarah turn to the woman before letting her eyes land on Sophia's body once more.
"No..." she muttered.
"I know," Andrea whispered, then looked at the child as well. "We should do something about..." She was right. They could not leave her alone on the ground.
"We need a blanket... or something," Sarah said with a trembling voice.
Andrea put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll see what I can find."
Sarah dried a tear that had fallen from her eye before she noticed Daryl starting to walk away from the corpses.
"Daryl..." she whispered as he got closer. He was biting his lips, avoiding looking up, but he stopped next to her. Sarah knew how much he tried to find Sophia. He wanted to find her; he was sure he was going to find her. It wasn't easy for all of them, but she knew that all of that must have been very difficult, especially for the archer.
"I'm so sorry," Sarah said, grazing with her fingers. Daryl's arm shook his head, taking a step back.
"I'mma check on Carol," he muttered, chewing his lip.
"Sure," she answered, nodding her head, and he mimicked her movement before walking away.
It didn't take long for Shane and Rick to come back. Lori had asked Dale to bring Carl back to the house as they started to arrange what they would have done with the bodies.
"We need a service," suggested Andrea. "Carol would want that."
"Yeah, we all want that," answered Rick in a whisper.
"Let's... let's dig a grave for Sophia, and Annette and Shawn, uh, over by those trees." Lori tried to propose, pointing at a group of trees not that far away from them.
That was all so strange, what she was feeling. Sarah was sad and dusky, but what really scared her was the fact that she wasn't all that surprised that Sophia was gone. It was terrible and she felt awful by only thinking that, but maybe she had known it all along, maybe she had stopped believing long ago. And it was a terrible feeling. Losing hope. She looked at Shane; she had never thought of Sophia as a dead girl, but maybe deep inside, she had already made up her mind about the destiny of the poor girl.
"I can't," she muttered, starting to walk away.
"Sarah," Lori said.
"I'm sorry," she answered. "I'm so sorry; I can't."
Sarah got as far as the barn as she could go, trying to find a place where she could be alone. She walked to some trees next to the house, sitting on the ground. She was feeling ashamed of herself and quite scared now, finally starting to think through everything that she had tried to keep locked inside herself; if she had lost hope in Sophia, she had lost hope in her mother, her father, and her grandparents. She had lost hope in her friends and all the people that were once part of her life. And for the first time, she realized, for real, that she would have never made it back to San Francisco. She would have never hugged her father or let her mother kiss her cheeks. They were gone. They were all gone. And she was scared of not feeling surprised by that. And that only made it worse. She started to cry and sob, grabbing the soil with her fingers and pulling the grass as she cried harder.
"Sarah?" Glenn's voice made her look up, and she noticed her friend walking towards her.
"Hey," he said, sitting next to her, putting an arm around her, sobbing against his shoulder. "I know, I know," he muttered against her hair.
"How that happened?" Sarah sobbed. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. Any of it!"
"I know," he said, rubbing her arm.
They stood like that for some time. Sarah didn't know for how long, but until she stopped crying, Glenn held her.
"You shouldn't be here," she said, drying her tears with her hands. "You should be with Maggie." She knew how much he cared for that girl. He had different eyes when Maggie was around.
"Don't worry about it right now," Glenn said. "My best friend needs a hug." Sarah closed her eyes, letting new tears fall down as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Your best friend is sorry," she muttered.
"For what?"
"For have acted like crazy," Sarah said. "After today, I don't ever want to fight with you ever again."
"Yeah," he said, nodding his head. "Me too."
Sarah had come to care about Glenn and the group, realizing for the first time that not even being all together could keep them safe. She understood that every moment was important, and she really didn't want to lose their time with stupid arguments and fights. She was tired of feeling regret and sadness.
"How's Maggie?" Sarah asked quietly. "And her family?" She could still see their desperate faces as they all shot.
Glenn took a heavy breath. "In shock," he answered. "Hershel wants for us to go away... I don't know..." Sarah could understand. She didn't want to go; that place was protected, but she wasn't sure Hershel would have changed his mind about it. How could he?
"You should stay," Sarah said, putting her head again against Glenn's shoulder.
"What?" he asked.
"If Hershel kicks us out," she explains with a heavy heart, "You should stay with Maggie."
"I... I... don't... why?" he said, getting stiff.
"I've seen how you look at her," Sarah said. "In this world, you were lucky enough to find someone with whom you share feelings. Don't be stupid about it."
Glenn went silent for a moment, and Sarah felt almost like crying. She didn't want to lose her best friend, but if it came to a choice, he should choose Maggie. That was the right thing to do.
"Let's not talk about it, okay?" Glenn said, rubbing her arm, getting silent once again.
"How's Nicki feeling?" he asked after some more minutes.
"I don't know," Sarah muttered, moving away from Glenn, trying again to dry her tears that kept falling. "I have to find her, but I'm afraid I'm going to make it worse."
"Worse than this?" Glenn said, rubbing her arm sadly. "You know she needs you." Sarah nodded, her mind going back to her parents and to Carol, a mother who had just lost her daughter. Sarah was lucky enough to have Nicki, and she couldn't neglect her. Her sister needed her.
As Glenn came back to the house, Sarah tried to find her sister. She hadn't looked for too long before she spotted Nicki sitting under the tree, looking at her training camp. Sarah was ready to move closer when she noticed Carl walking towards Nicki, with her bow in his hand.
"You forgot your bow," Sarah heard Carl say, and Nicki looked at him at that. "You can't train without it."
"I don't feel like it anyway," Nicki answered, getting up. "As I don't feel like talking."
As she started to walk away, Carl spoke again, "Sarah once told me that you were worried about Sophia, but I don't think this is the truth." That made Nicki turn with a glare.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You feel responsible for what happened since she disappeared," Carl said, observing Nicolette with his blue eyes. "And now you are blaming yourself for all of this."
Nicolette bit her lips, kicking the ground with one of her feet. Sarah knew her sister was fighting the tears from coming out. "And now that you've all figured out, what do you want?" Nicki asked.
Carl walked towards her, handing the bow to her. "Just let you know that I know," Nicolette looked at him with wide eyes, and a tear fell from her eyes. She did not answer, and she made no quick remarks. Sarah stood silent, watching the two children.
"Everything we do or don't do will affect the group somehow," Nicki said, trying not to cry as she took the bow in her hand, "It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"I know," Carl answered.
It was so strange watching two children so young talking about those topics. Carl was calm, while Nicki was trying to be as controlled as possible. It was a sad sight; they shouldn't be feeling like that, responsible or guilty, they were so young. They should not have seen another girl being shot in the head; Nicolette shouldn't have to use a bow to kill deadly creatures, and Carl should have been scared of what he had seen. Maybe it was different for them, and all of that affected them differently from anyone else. Sarah felt that only Nicolette and Carl could fully understand each other at that moment.
"Sarah," a light touch made her turn to see Lori. "Sweety, how are you feeling?"
"Not good," she said before taking a breath. "I'm sorry for before Lori. I should have helped. I'm so sorry." But the woman shook her head, taking Sarah's shoulders between her hands.
"Don't ever say that," she said. "Really, Sarah. Alright?" Lori was always so nice to her, always appearing when Sarah felt more vulnerable.
"There's something I can do?"
Lori took a breath. "We've dug the graves; I was about to call Carol about the function... Do you want to come with me?"
Sarah turned towards Nicki once again, who now had gone back to sit on the ground, her back against the tree as Carl was making his way back to the house. What could she say to her sister? That she didn't have to take the blame for what had happened? But she knew that Nicki would not believe her.
"Alright..." she said before starting to follow Lori towards the RV.
As they arrived, Sarah could feel her heart beating fast inside her chest, thinking about Carol and what she must be feeling.
The two of them got near the RV, and Sarah was the first one to enter. She saw Carol first, sitting next to the window looking out, too tired even to cry. Then, the girl turned to see Daryl sitting on the kitchen counter with his crossbow resting on his lap. His eyes met hers as Sarah made space to let Lori in.
"They're ready," Lori said quietly. "Come on."
Carol turned towards them. "Why?"
Sarah and Lori looked at each other, but they weren't the ones that spoke next.
"'Couse that's your little girl," Daryl said softly.
But Carol shook her head. "That's not my little girl. That's some other...thing."
The picture of Sophia's figure coming out of the barn came back to Sarah's mind, and she had to look up to try not to let any tears fall from her eyes.
"My Sophia was alone in the woods. All this time, I thought..." Carol kept saying, "She didn't cry herself to sleep. She didn't go hungry. She didn't try to find her way back." Sarah remembered all the sleepless nights; they were all trying to say to Carol that they would have found the little girl safe and sound. All empty words, to Carol now more than anyone.
"Sophia died a long time ago," Carol said finally. They were all thinking that, but hearing it from the woman was different; if only it made it even more real.
Lori took a breath before gently nudging Sarah and walking out. Sarah was looking at Carol when she noticed Daryl's posture go stiff as he observed the woman with a glare. Then he stood up, breathing heavily. Disappointment was evident in his gaze, as was sadness and many other emotions.
"Daryl..." she called after him as he walked out. The girl ran after him and just kept pacing.
"Daryl, wait!" she said, but when he didn't stop, she put a hand on his forearm, making him turn.
"What?" he asked in a whisper, glaring at her, but for once, she didn't step back.
"You tried," Sarah said with tears in her eyes as he stared at her. His eyes were as hard as his expression, but she wanted him to listen to her words, so she grabbed his forearm with both hands. "You tried," she said.
The two of them looked at each other for a moment, but then Daryl slowly moved away from her touch. Sarah observed him walking away, his crossbow hanging behind his back and his head low. She had seen him going to look for Sophia every day, and he was sure he was going to find her. He was confident that she was still alive and that he had never lost hope. Sarah realized at that moment, as the man walked away, that Daryl Dixon had believed in finding Sophia more than any other person in the group, even more than Carol, and now he was probably destroyed by what had happened.
"Rick! Lori!" Glenn's panicked voice made her turn quickly. He was running out of the house, his face pale and worried.
"Glenn!" Sarah called, running towards her friend, as Rick, Lori, and Shane did.
"What's going on?" asked Rick.
"Beth collapsed," Glenn explained.
"What?" Lori exclaimed before entering the house.
They managed to take Beth up to her room. The girl lay down, looking up at the ceiling; her eyes almost didn't move.
"Beth!" Maggie kept calling her name, but nothing. "Beth!"
"I'm going to look for Hershel," Sarah said, looking towards Glenn, who nodded his head.
Sarah ran out of the room and down the stairs, where she saw Patricia. She asked for Hershel, but apparently, the woman hadn't seen him, so Sarah ran out. T-Dog was next to one of the cars, turning to her full when he noticed her.
"Sarah, woah, what is it?" he asked, moving towards her.
"Have you seen Hershel somewhere?" she asked, but he shook his head.
"No, I didn't," he said. "What happened?"
"It's Beth," she said. "I have no time to explain. Can you please help me find him?"
"Sure," he said, still confused, "I'mma take a look at the barn."
"Thank you," she said before going towards the wooden garage, where the old car that she was fixing was locked.
"Sarah?" Nicolette's voice made her turn as she kept walking.
"Nicki," she said. "Have you seen Hershel?" she asked, making her sister stand up from her sitting position.
"No," she answered, "I've been in the tent until now."
Sarah groaned. "Can you go look for him?"
Nicolette frowned, but she nodded nonetheless.
"If you find him, tell him it's about Beth!" she yelled as she started running.
Nothing though.
She couldn't find the man, and soon, even Andrea and Dale started looking. But the man had disappeared. They looked inside the house and around the whole farm, but there was no sign of the man.
"Where can he be?" Sarah said, passing a hand through her hair.
"No idea," Andrea said.
"I'm... I'm going to tell Maggie I couldn't find him. Can you please keep looking?" the girl asked, turning to the blond woman.
"Sure, go," she answered with a nod.
As she got back to the house, it didn't take Rick and Shane too long to start looking for him, too. They went into Hershel's room and began to look through his stuff. He had put some boxes on his bed, filled with clothes apparently.
"Your stepmother's things?" Rick asked, looking towards Maggie, who nodded her head.
"He was so sure she'd recover," she explained as Shane looked through Hershel's bedside table, where he found a little flask. He took it in his hands before showing that to them.
"Looks like he found an old friend."
Sarah noticed Maggie's eyes widen as she walked closer to observe the flask.
"That belonged to my grandfather; gave it to Dad when he died."
"I didn't take Hershel for a drinker," Rick said after taking a breath.
"No, he gave up the day I was born," Maggie assured. "He didn't even allow liquor in the house."
Sarah looked towards Shane, thinking again about what they had done at the barn. That poor man must have been in shock as much as his daughter.
Rick stood silent for a moment. "What's the bar in town?" he asked.
"Hatlin's," Maggie answered with no hesitation. "He practically lived there in his drinking days."
"Betting that's where I'll find him," Rick said as Glenn's eyes widened in realization. "I've seen it" he said, "I'll take you there" Maggie was quick to take his arm.
"No, Glenn," she said.
"This is an easy run."
"Like the pharmacy?" Maggie asked.
As Maggie tried to stop Glenn, Lori tried to stop Rick, so Sarah decided to go take a look at Beth in the meantime. She sat next to the girl, brushing her blond hair from her forehead.
"You're making your big sister worried, sweety," Sarah said, taking a breath. "And I'm so sorry for what you've witnessed before." She still remembered her crying for her mother and brother. Her cries when what she thought was her mother had attacked her.
"We've terrorized you, and I'm so sorry," she said, trying not to cry.
"Hey," Maggie's voice made her look up, drying a few tears that had fallen from her eyes.
"Hey," Sarah answered. "Do you want me to leave?" she asked, ready to get up, but Maggie shook her head, sitting on the other side of Beth.
"Stay," she said, taking her sister's hand.
They stood quiet for a moment before Maggie talked again. "Glenn decided to go look for my father."
Sarah smiled a little. "That sounds like him," she said before looking up at the girl. "He really cares about you." At her words, Maggie looked up at her with tears in her eyes.
"He'll bring your father back," Sarah said. "I promise you that." Maggie nodded her head with a little smile that Sarah tried to mimic.
"How's Nicki?" Maggie asked after some moments of silence.
"She is sad, and she feels responsible for what happened to Sophia," she said before chuckling bitterly. "She had always been too responsible for her age."
"How so?" Maggie asked, making Sarah smile.
"Once, I had to go to a party," Sarah said. "I was really excited because there was this guy that I liked, and I lost track of time, so I didn't get back home when I was supposed to." Maggie chuckled at that. "And Nicolette got so worried that she started texting me. 'When are you getting back?', 'Are you alright?', 'Should I tell Dad to come and get you?'" Sarah laughed. "But I saw the texts only when I got back home, and she was there with her Simpson's pajamas, crossed arms, and angry expression. Lecturing me about not answering my phone."
"Lecturing?" Maggie asked, and Sarah nodded.
"I wish nothing like this had never happened," Sarah said, drying some more tears. "She should still be that girl, with the Simpsons' pajamas, not going around shooting arrows and feeling blamed for what happened to a girl that she tried to help," she took a frustrated breath. "And I only wish I could help her, but how?" Suddenly, Maggie took her hand, squeezing it, making Sarah look towards her.
"These little sisters," Maggie said bitterly. "Always makes us worried."
Sarah let some tears fall on her cheeks, squeezing Maggie's hand back. "Yeah, these little sisters."