(SCENE: CENTRAL PERK. EVERYONE IS THERE.)
Monica: Tell him.
Rachel: No.
Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.
Monica: Just... please tell him.
Rachel: Shut up!
Chandler: Tell me what?
Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him.
Chandler:(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, come on, tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.
Rachel: Alright, alright, alright. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I were...
Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (POINTS AT THE TABLE)
Chandler: Wow!
Joey: Excellent dream score.
Roy:(SARCASTICALLY)Finally!
Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?
Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?
Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.
Chandler: Interesting, 'cause in my dreams, I'm always surprisingly inadequate. (MONICA PATS HIM ON HIS LAP)
Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
Ross: I love it, when we share.
(ROSS GOES OVER TO THE COUNTER. CHANDLER FOLLOWS HIM.)
Chandler: You okay there?
Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time thing. I was very drunk, and I was somebody else's subconscious.
Roy:(grinning, walking in with a coffee cup) So, Chandler, I gotta ask—was the dream version of you actually more successful than the real-life one? 'Cause I can see how that might be a tough pill to swallow.
Chandler:(mocking) Oh, look, it's Mr. "I'm better at talking about my feelings than any of you!" What do you think, Roy, should I be worried about my dream-self stealing my thunder?
Central Perk. CHANDLER is sitting on the table.]
Chandler: Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Get off.
Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?
Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing?
(Chandler, Monica, Roy and Phoebe stare at him)
Ross: Phoebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
Phoebe: Just for some short-term work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
Chandler: Pirates again?
Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just... such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home workshop." And they are.
Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
Chandler: (sarcastically) Thanks, Joey. That's a good idea.
Roy: Phoebe, you could work for me.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. But—nothing immoral or illegal, right?
Roy: No, nothing like that. You'd just be my secretary and come with me to meetings.
Chandler: Well, you know, Phoebs... I'm not sure it's really your kind of thing. It involves being normal—for, like, most of the day.
Phoebe: I can do that!
(Ross's beeper goes off)
Rachel: What are you playing with?
Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper.
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies? "Help, come quick, they're still extinct!"
Roy: (grinning) No, it's in case a fossil calls and says, "I've fallen and I can't get up."
(Joey high-fives Roy.)
Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is dial 55-JIMBO.
Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
Roy: Wait—Jimbo? That kid's going to get bullied to death for not living up to the name.
Joey: Or he grows up tough. Nobody messes with a guy named Jimbo.
Rachel: Or... he ends up with a motorcycle and three ex-wives. (A/N:like father, like son)
Monica: (getting up) All right, I'll see you guys later.
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Roy: Is he like... young enough to still think The Lion King is new?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, okay—he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Joey: Whoa!
Chandler: And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. 'Cause I told him I was 22.
ALL: What?!
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25... 26.
Monica: I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
Roy: (mock serious) So what you're saying is... I've been hanging out with someone who lies about their age and dates college kids?
Monica: (playfully defensive) I don't lie. I just edit the truth... with style.
Chandler: Yeah, like a magazine—just cut out the inconvenient parts.
[Roy's Office/Apartment]
Roy: So, what do you think of my office, Phoebe?
Phoebe(sarcastically): Very... homely.
Roy: Really? I put a lot of effort into it.
Phoebe: So, what are we doing? Just hanging out?
Roy: Not exactly. We're going to meet someone. . I bought his building—his convenience store wasn't doing well—so I offered him a manager post in the new store.
Phoebe: Wow. Are you the kindest person alive?
Roy: Not quite. Let's just say I'm repaying a favor.
Phoebe: Ooh, who is it?
Roy: That's a secret.
Phoebe: Alright, Mr. Mysterious.
Roy(mock serious): Phoebe, remember—I'm your boss now.
Phoebe: Yes, sir.
Phoebe:What a strange name for a store.
Roy: It's an experiment. Do you like it?
Phoebe: I can feel a pleasant aura from it. And... isn't this near the place where we first met?
Roy: So, you remember?
Phoebe:Duh. You were my first friend on the street. You know my mom had just taken her own life, my stepdad was in jail, and my sister had taken off to live on her own. I felt completely alone. Then I met you—a weirdly nice guy.
Roy: Same here. You were my first friend out there too.
Phoebe: Then let's go in.
[They enter the store. The manager, Mike, greets them.]
Mike: Welcome! Oh—Mr. Roy! How are you?
Phoebe:Uncle Mike?!
Mike:Phoebe? Is that you? Wow, you've grown into such a beautiful young woman!
Phoebe: I'm doing fine. And look at you—living well, huh?
Mike: Well, one day, Mr. Roy bought this place and made me the manager. I was unsure at first, but then he told me it was out of gratitude—for that time I let him sleep a couple of nights in my shed. I'm really grateful to him now.
Roy: Alright, alright, Mike—enough of that. So, how's the store doing?
Mike: Barely breaking even. There's a lot of theft in this area.
Roy: Well, you used to live on the streets too. If anyone can keep this place running without getting robbed, it's you.
Phoebe: What about Luke and Miller? Aren't they still around here?
Mike: No, they got arrested after their last heist.
Phoebe:Oh. They were... actually kind of nice.
CENTRAL PERK. JOEY AND ROSS ARE THERE
Joey: Would you let it go, Ross? It was just a dream—it doesn't mean anything...
(Ross's beeper goes off)
Ross: Oh! Oh! This is it. Oh my God—it's baby time! Baby time!
Joey: Alright, alright—relax, relax. Just breathe. Be cool, be cool.
(Ross dials a number on his cellphone)
Ross (on phone): Yeah, hi, I just got beeped.(pause)No, André's not here.(to Joey) Third time today.(back on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir, I don't provide those kinds of services.
Joey: Services? Ohh... services.
Ross (on phone): Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. That's right—JUMBO with a "U," sir.(pause)No, believe me, you don't want me. Judging by the number, I'd be a huge disappointment.(pause)Alrighty—bye-bye.
PHOEBE AND ROY ENTERS
Joey: Hey, hey! So—how was your first day?
Phoebe: It was actually kind of nice. I ran into this guy—Uncle Mike—he used to help me out from time to time when I was living on the streets.
Roy: Me too, actually.
Phoebe: Yeah, Roy bought the building and made him the manager, so he wouldn't get kicked out after his old store went under.
Ross: Nice job, man.
Joey: Yeah, seriously—good job.
MONICA AND RACHELS APARTMENT
Ross: (on phone) Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye.(to Phoebe) Just easier that way.
Chandler: Oh come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel: No, forget it.
Chandler: Oh, why not? Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there.(Camera pans to Ross, who leans in, listening intently.)
Rachel: Joey was there too.
Joey: All right!
Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?
Rachel: No.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody, uh, handed out... mints or anything?
Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!
Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel: Heh heh heh... you know what?
Joey: What?
Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me.
(Chandler and Joey laugh—until they glance at each other, pause, and go wide-eyed.)
Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys!(She hugs them both.)
Roy: I will also support your children.
(MONICA ENTERS, WEARING A WALKMAN, SO SHE DOESN'T HEAR WHAT THE OTHERS SAY)
Ross,Roy, Rachel & Phoebe: Hey, Mon.Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?ALL: (shouting) Mon!
(MONICA TAKES OFF HER WALKMAN)Monica: What?
Rachel: Ethan called again.
Monica: Oh.
Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?
Monica: No. You know, sometimes things just don't work out.
Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym?
(MONICA STARES AT RACHEL)Rachel: I—I didn't say any... I sw—I did not say anything, I swear.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?
Ross & Chandler: Oh yeah.
Roy: (jumps in, deadpan) Spoiler alert: it's obviously the red one.
(Ross and Chandler laugh)Ross: It's morphin' time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
Roy: (crosses arms dramatically) Existential crisis!
Monica: Ha ha. Oh, my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey, Chandler & Ross: Sorry.
Rachel: (grinning at Roy) Existential crisis, huh?
Roy: Yeah, I morph into a brooding teenager who asks why we even morph.
Roy: Phoebe, we gotta go.
Phoebe: Okay. (grabs her bag casually)
Chandler: Whoa, where are you two heading? Secret mission?
Roy: Nah, I just have to swing by this investment company. I need to check their portfolio compliance and see if their risk disclosures actually match what they're pitching.
Chandler: (nods seriously) Ah yes, rich guy problems.
Roy: (laughs) More like pretending to be a rich guy so I don't get scammed.
Phoebe: Yeah, he asks the scary questions while I distract them with crystals.
Chandler: As one does.
Roy: Catch you guys later.
Phoebe: Don't eat any Power Rangers while we're gone!
Joey: What if they're flavored?
CENTRAL PERK
(Ross's beeper goes off. Everyone except him reacts.)
Monica: Aren't you gonna...?
Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in "911," it means she's having the baby. Otherwise, I just ignore it.
Joey: What about André?
Ross: Oh, well... this morning, he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan—and frankly, it was more than I needed to know.
(Ethan enters.)
Ethan: Hey.
Monica: That was gonna be my opener.
Rachel(picking up on the vibe between Monica and Ethan): Hey, did you guys check out those new hand dryers in the bathroom?
Ross: I thought that was just a rumor.
Rachel: True story.
Joey: They're here already?
(Rachel, Ross, and Joey head to the bathroom.)
Ethan: Alright, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not seventeen. I only said that so you'd think I was cute and vulnerable. I'm actually thirty. I have a wife, I have a job... I'm your congressman.
Monica, this is ridiculous—we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex... Oh man. Okay, I have no frame of reference, but I thought it was great.
Monica: It was.
Ethan: Then what's the problem?
Monica: Ethan, it's, um... it's icky.
Ethan:Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?
Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different. If you were a few years older, or if I were a few years younger... or if we lived in biblical times, I would really—
Ethan: No, don't say it. (He gently covers her mouth.)
Monica(muffled): —love you.
(Ross, Rachel, and Joey return from the bathroom and see Monica and Ethan are still talking.)
Ross: Are your hands still wet?
Joey: Uh... moist, yeah.
Rachel: Let's dry them again.
(They head back to the bathroom.)
[Monica and Rachel's Apartment ](Ross is watching TV. He turns it off and notices Rachel asleep on the couch. He gently places a blanket over her.)
Rachel(talking in her sleep): Oooooooh...(She strokes her hand across the pillow. Ross silently mimics her, amused.)Rachel: Oh, that's nice... Oh... Oh, Ross.
(Ross's eyes go wide. He gets overly excited and jumps onto the coffee table, doing a little celebratory dance—then immediately slips and falls onto the couch with a loud thud. Rachel wakes up.)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I'm here!
Rachel: You are... Um... we—we were just...
Ross: What?
(His beeper suddenly goes off.)
Ross: Great. Now I'm having a baby.
Rachel: What?
Ross: No, I mean—I'm having a baby! (He jumps back up onto the table, dancing again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?
Rachel: I don't know where the phone is!
(Ross runs across the table, tries to leap over the couch, but slips and crashes onto the floor.)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross(groaning): I'm hurt.
[THE HALL BETWEEN THE APARTMENTS. ROSS IS EAGERLY WAITING FOR THE OTHERS TO GET READY, TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.]
Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now, people—woman in labor.
(CHANDLER STRUTS OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT)Chandler: Hey Ross, look what I've got going here. (gestures to his outfit, which is clearly trying too hard)
Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
(RACHEL COMES OUT FROM THEIR APARTMENT WITH A MIRROR AND A LIPSTICK IN HER HANDS)Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.
Rachel: What? So I can't look nice? There might be doctors there.
Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.
(JOEY COMES OUT FROM THEIR APARTMENT WITH A HUGE SANDWICH IN HIS HAND)Joey: All right, all right.
Ross: What is that? (referring to the sandwich)
Joey: For the ride.
Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab—
Ross: Save it.
Chandler: Okay, hating this.
(ROY STEPS OUT OF HIS APARTMENT, HOLDING A SMALL TOTE BAG)Roy: I brought snacks that don't scream "I'm hiding a turkey in my jacket."
Joey: (offended) It's a birth sandwich. That's tradition.
Roy: Just saying, hospitals usually frown on meatball subs in the delivery room.
(MONICA ENTERS FROM THEIR APARTMENT, CRYING)Monica: I can't believe it. I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew!
Ross: That's nice. Get out. Let's go, come on.
Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going.
(THEY ALL GO DOWN THE STAIRS, BUT ROSS TURNS AROUND, LOOKING LIKE HE'S IN A COMA. THE OTHERS TURN AROUND TO GET HIM.)
Chandler: Here we go, here we go.
Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.
Roy: (nudging him) Come on, future dad. If you pass out now, you're not gonna make it to the contractions.
Ross: Right. Right. Baby time.
(THEY ALL HEAD DOWN TO THE LOBBY TOGETHER.)
A/N: I was thinking of breaking up Roy and Lisa. What do you, the readers, think?