Notice: I'm sorry for taking such a long break; I have semester exams coming up, so I had to focus on preparing for them. Now that the exams are over, I'm resuming my novel and will try to upload a new chapter every day
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( CENTRAL PERK. THE WHOLE GANG IS THERE, ROSS IS SHOWING PICTURES OF HIS NEW BABY BOY, BEN, TO THE GROUP.)
Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...
Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!
Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!
(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)
Ross(quietly): That would be nice.
(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)
Rachel: Pardon?
Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft.(walks over to where Joey is seated)
Roy: Come on, Ross, your son is here. Wipe the drool already!
(Ross wipes the drool away with an annoyed look on his face.)
(Joey is looking at his check.)
Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... including the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.
Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
Chandler(sighs): And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)
Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School with some... research.
Ross(overhearing): What kind of research?
Joey: Oh, just, y'know... science.
Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. (Everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over.)
Joey(sighs): It's a fertility study.
Rachel(laughs): Oh my God.
Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.
Roy(grinning): If Joey's contributing genetics, we're officially lowering the bar for future humanity.
Joey(mock offended): Hey! I'll have you know, my DNA is in high demand.
Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
Roy( whispers to Chandler): So what you're saying is... Joey's gonna be a father before Ross gets another date with Rachel?
(Chandler nearly chokes on his coffee laughing.)
( MONICA'S APARTMENT. MONICA AND PHOEBE ARE PREPARING FOR A BARBECUE FOR RACHEL'S BIRTHDAY.)
Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...
Phoebe(holding up the meat with a face): We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys. Ew. (hands meat to Monica)
(Chandler and Joey enter with bags of charcoal.)
Chandler(in a deep, dramatic voice): Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.
(Roy walks in behind them, holding a bag of ice and a suspiciously small plant in a pot.)
Roy(deadpan): And I bring... life. A peace offering from the vegetarian gods.
Phoebe(gasps happily): Oh my God, is that a basil plant?! You beautiful creature.
Roy(smirking): I figured someone should bring something that didn't scream once.
Monica(taking the plant and putting it near the window): Well, thank you, Roy. But just so we're clear, you're still eating meat.
Roy(grinning): Sure. As long as no one makes me look into the cow's eyes first.
Joey(flexing with a spatula): We don't look. We conquer.
Chandler(to Roy): You realize by bringing a plant, you just gave Phoebe ammo for the next five "meat is murder" speeches, right?
Roy(raising an eyebrow): What can I say? I like to live dangerously.
Phoebe(already holding the basil like a baby): Thank you, Roy. Basil and I appreciate your bravery.
Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.
Joey: Oh, OK.
Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your... (provocatively) special someone?
Joey: I don't know, she's, uh... she's pretty great.
Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
Monica: Man's got a point.
Roy(casually sipping coffee): Just make sure the cup doesn't get jealous. Those things are clingy.
Joey : Yeah, they stick around.
Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch.
Roy(dryly): Women!!
Joey(points at Roy approvingly): Thank you!
Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... personal experiments, if you know what I mean.
Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.
Roy(leaning back, mock serious): So basically, you're not just donating for science... you're also committed to science. A modern-day monk, really.
Phoebe(smiling): Aww, Brother Joey.
Joey(grinning proudly): Yeah! I'm like... a fertility ninja.
Chandler: That... makes absolutely no sense, and yet I'm terrified.
(TIME LAPSE.ROY, CHANDLER AND JOEY ARE MAKING THE FIRE, MONICA AND
PHOEBE ARE INSIDE. ROSS ENTERS, CARRYING LUGGAGE.)
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
(PHOEBE SEES HIS BAGS)
Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
Ross: I'm going to China.
Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...
Monica: You're going to China?
Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo--
it's--it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so,
uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (HANDS A SHEET OF
PAPER TO MONICA). Um... here's a picture of me... (HANDS IT TO MONICA)
Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (TAKES THE PICTURE)
Ross: (TO MONICA): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben,
just so he doesn't forget me?
Monica: Yeah.
(PHOEBE PUTS THE PICTURE OF ROSS UP TO HER FACE.)
Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (PUTS PICTURE
DOWN, SEES ROSS STARING AT HER) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
Ross: Oh. (PAUSE) Hey, who's Carl?
Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the--
Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.
Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (LAUGHS, ROSS STARES AT HER) Sorry.
Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.
(ROSS GOES OUTSIDE ON THE BALCONY.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Roy: Yo.
Ross(sighs heavily): ...I have to go to China.
Joey: The country?
Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?
Chandler: Let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore... no.
Roy : Wait, is Carl the guy who smiled at Rachel once and Ross has been spiraling ever since?
Ross(glares slightly): Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?
Chandler: Forget about her.
Roy : Yeah, man. If she's blind to your whole 'sad-but-adorable paleontologist' vibe, that's on her.
Ross: I just… I thought maybe, y'know, this was finally going somewhere.
Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.
Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK?(Gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)
Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.
Ross: I know.
Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.(Joey gives Ross a hug)
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
Roy : For what it's worth, Ross... sometimes distance gives people space to realize what they miss. And sometimes it helps you realize what you deserve.
Ross(softly): You think she'll miss me?
Roy : I think you'll learn to stop waiting on someone who doesn't see you until you leave. Either way, that's growth.
Chandler(mock-squinting): When did you become our in-house philosopher?
Roy(grinning): Around the time Joey started calling himself a scientist.
Joey: Hey! That was real research!
(TIME LAPSE. MELANIE (MELN), JOEY'S GIRLFRIEND, IS THERE WITH JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA, PHOEBE, ROY, AND RACHEL. ROSS IS GONE.)
MELN: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business.We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'
Joey: Like the Three Musketeers, only with fruit.
Chandler(sarcastic): Ooooh.(Looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity.)
Monica(gets up): OK, how does everybody like their burgers?
Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later.(Walks into the living room.)
(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside. Roy hangs back, pretending to examine a gift bag but listening.)
Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?
Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I—
(Monica rolls her eyes.)
Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.
Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
Joey: What do you mean?
Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.
(Long pause... Joey looks confused.)
Joey: Not following you.
Monica: Think about it.
(Monica walks off. Roy walks by Joey on his way to the others, pausing for a second.)
Roy(softly, just to Joey): Sometimes being there means not thinking about what you want... but what she needs.(He offers a small smile and keeps walking.)
Joey(blinking, to himself): ...So like, no transaction?
(THEY BOTH WALK OVER TO WHERE RACHEL IS OPENING HER GIFTS.RACHEL SEES HER FIRST GIFT IS A FRUIT BASKET.)
Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...
(Melanie smiles.)
Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.
Chandler(pointing out a gift): OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel(picks it up): OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it's...(opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!(She gives it back to him.)
(Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)
Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book.And... (opens it)...it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey(to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.
MELN: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
(Rachel giggles, then notices a soft package )
Rachel(smiling): Roy?
Roy(from the couch): Guilty.
(Rachel unwraps it and finds a small set of artisanal skincare items—like a handmade lavender face mist and a natural rose clay mask, packaged in simple glass bottles with hand-lettered labels.)
Rachel: Oh wow....
Roy: They're from this herbal store Phoebe dragged me into last week. The lady said it helps you feel like your skin just came back from vacation.
Phoebe(excited): Oh yeah! That place! I got my aura balm there!
(RACHEL PICKS UP THE NEXT GIFT.)
Rachel: Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh... (opens it, sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
(Everyone leans in to look. Rachel holds the delicate pin gently, visibly touched.)
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)
Monica: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
(EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM. He realizes—too late—what he just said.)
(A beat of silence.)
Roy(leans forward, mock-whispering to Chandler): Do you want a shovel to help dig the hole deeper, or are we doing this bare hands?
(EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM. HE REALIZES HE JUST SPILLED THE BEANS
ABOUT ROSS'S CRUSH ON RACHEL.)
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: (panicked) Ahem… Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no… the, um, the… 'love' part?
Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah… flennin…
Rachel: (slowly realizing) Oh… my God.
Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no no no no no…
Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
Roy: (deadpan) Or maybe rub harder. Maybe we can go back to the dinosaur age, when Ross was too shy to say anything.
Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.
Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
Chandler: Okay, is there a mute button on this woman?
Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey) W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
Roy (leans forward, sincere but teasing): Honestly, if Ross wanted anything more than coffee, he probably wouldn't survive the first sip without choking on his feelings.
Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)
Chandler (quickly): H-He's in China!
Joey: The country.
Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.
Chandler: What about the time difference?
Monica: From here to the airport?
Chandler: Yes!(Rachel starts walking toward the door.)
Chandler (calling out): You're never gonna make it!
Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?
Rachel (spinning around): I-I-I don't know.
Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.
Joey: He's right. 'Cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.
Roy: Yes, Rachel Ross really likes you. If you're going to break his heart, you better not go
Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
Rachel (conflicted): I don't know... maybe I'll know when I see him.
Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?(Phoebe gets up, holds a picture of Ross up to her face, making a goofy impression.)
Rachel: Nooo... (laughs, but the moment turns serious again) Look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just—I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later.(OPENS DOOR)
Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (SHE LEAVES)