Elder Fang, formerly a stalwart cultivator of the Azure Rain Sect, now bore a title that no one dared to speak in his presence: The Bald Saint of Divine Lightning.
Though he claimed spiritual enlightenment, most people suspected it was actually embarrassment that drove him to seclusion. After all, losing one's hair was already a personal matter. Losing it to divine lightning for simply muttering, "Wait, isn't that a boy?" while observing the forest spirit bathing?
Tragic.
The second strike came days later when he dared to think the same thing—just think it. No words, no whisper. A silent thought formed like dew on grass.
Boom.
Hair? Gone. Beard? Scorched. Eyebrows? Never seen again.
Thus, Elder Fang came again to the forest, head covered in a patterned silk scarf, trailed by a trembling junior cultivator clutching three thunder wards and an apologetic expression.
They came bearing humble gifts: talismans, spiritual incense, and most importantly, three baskets of sweet potatoes.
Xiulan accepted the potatoes with due reverence. He can now farm food and make Uncle Hei vegetarian diet.
"Your humble servant requests a medicine," Elder Fang said, kneeling deeply, "to restore what was stolen by Heaven's jealousy."
Xiulan tilted his head, his long green hair brushing the mossy stones. "You want fur?"
"Hair. The celestial covering of dignity. The blessed shade of the scalp." Elder Fang was poetic in despair. He never wanted to call himself that.
Duoduo, perched on a crooked branch above, snorted. "He means he is bald. Like polished egg. Like waxed gourd."
Xiulan blinked. "Why didn't you ask earlier? There's cabbage that hums when it is upset. I put a rune on one last week and it made Uncle Hei bark."
Uncle Hei, nearby and half-asleep on a smooth boulder, cracked open one eye. "Temporary side effect," he grumbled.
"But it only hummed after midnight," Xiulan added thoughtfully. "I think it wanted company."
They examined the row of cabbages growing neatly behind Xiulan's mushroom circle. A few had mild glows. One had spontaneously braided its own leaves. Another was swaying in rhythm, though there was no wind.
"This one," Xiulan said, crouching before a small wrinkled head of cabbage etched faintly with blue-green symbols, "might do something."
"Will it grow hair?" asked the junior, peeking from behind a tree.
"Possibly. Or feathers. It depends on who you are inside," Xiulan said with a shrug.
Elder Fang did not hesitate. "I will take it."
"No refunds," Baby Po said flatly, appearing from behind a tree with a ladle.
"No complaints if you start howling at the moon," Duoduo chirped.
Xiulan handed over the cabbage with both hands and a solemn nod. "Massage it into your scalp and hum something honest."
"Like a spiritual chant?" the elder asked.
"No," Xiulan replied. "Something true. You cannot lie to it."
Two days later, word spread from the sect that Elder Fang had emerged from his quarters with something miraculous.
Hair.
Not just any hair — it was fluffy, white, and so ethereal it swayed when there was no breeze. His junior cultivators stared in reverence. One even fainted when the beard returned, perfectly shaped like a curled lotus petal.
He sent a message back saying how his lover from back then came and kissed his now hairy head and married him again.
Back in the forest, Xiulan recorded the results in his leaf diary.
"I call it White Cloud Hair Growth Cabbage," he told Baby Po, who inspected it with a critical look. "I'm adjusting the runes so next time, it doesn't add a hint of cabbage fragrance."
"Still better than lightning-burnt flesh," said Uncle Hei, sharpening a stick.
Duoduo fluttered excitedly. "We can sell this! Hair for the hopeless! Eyebrows for the ashamed!"
"Only if Brother Fox puts it in good jars," Xiulan said, thoughtful. "He said people pay more if you use fancy names and gold-rimmed paper."
"What's the price?" Baby Po asked.
"One gold tael per cabbage. And only one per person," Xiulan said with firm wisdom. "If they eat two, they might start growing hair where they don't want it."
There was silence as the implications spread across their forest companions.
Tuzi the squirrel raised a paw. "Can we try making one that grows beards only?"
Xiulan smiled. "Yes. But only if the beard is majestic."
Tuzi the squirrel puffed out his tiny chest proudly. "I want a beard that commands respect. Like Elder Fang's, but fluffier. Maybe with a curl."
Xiulan nodded solemnly, pulling a fresh leaf into his lap. "We shall call it… Beard of the Thunder Elder."
Duoduo clapped her wings. "We can even enchant it to glow in the dark!"
Uncle Hei grunted. "Why would anyone need a glowing beard?"
Duoduo tilted her head. "Night patrols. Romantic moonlit beard swishes. Dramatic reveals."
Baby Po blinked slowly. "You're all insane."
"No," Xiulan corrected gently, "we are entrepreneurs."
In the distance, one of the monkeys—probably Bo—swung down from a tree holding what looked suspiciously like a wig. "I've already begun testing," he declared. "I found an old fox statue and gave it a mane."
Everyone stared at the bushy monstrosity that looked like a coconut with ambitions.
"…That's not hair," Baby Po muttered. "That's vengeance."
Xiulan clapped anyway. "Art has no bounds."
Just then, a small gust of wind blew through the clearing. It smelled faintly of fermented mushrooms and rogue qi.
A message bird dropped from the sky with a dramatic screech, spiraling in loops before landing with a thump and spitting out a scroll. Xiulan picked it up and read aloud:
"Esteemed cultivator child of the divine root path, we of the Wind-Swept Follicle Society request a sample of the sacred cabbage. Please include growing instructions, side effect list, and beard pattern options."
He blinked.
Duoduo gasped. "We're famous!"
Uncle Hei muttered, "Of course there's a hair sect. Of course."
Baby Po gave a long, resigned sigh. "Should I get Brother Jin?"
"No," Xiulan said. "We must first prepare a catalog. Something poetic. Something elegant. Something… that makes bald cultivators cry."
Tuzi began scribbling furiously in the dirt:
White Cloud Cabbage™:
For heads that once wept,
Now let them shine soft,
Like the wind's fluffy breath—
Regrow your power, one curl at a time.
Everyone went quiet.
"…That's actually good," Duoduo whispered.
Xiulan nodded gravely. "We must now begin the Cabbage Line. Baby Po, prepare the harvest baskets. Uncle Hei, guard the rune shed. Tuzi, oversee beard trials. Duoduo, make the sparkle labels."
"Label glitter or label shimmer?" Duoduo asked, wings fluttering with excitement.
"Both," Xiulan said. "We're changing the world. One scalp at a time."
And so, deep in the sacred woods, amidst runes, rogue herbs, and a squirrel council seeking majestic facial hair, the world's first hair-enhancing spiritual cabbage company was born.
Somewhere, Elder Fang sneezed—and his beard glowed briefly in approval
Leaf Diary Entry #162
Created cabbage that grows head fur. Elder Fang now walks like he is proud of the clouds above him. He looked very soft.
Added less humming in the next version. Planning one that grows mustaches. Maybe nose hair if someone asks kindly. Also, the shape and style of beard might be different from different cabbages.
Brother Fox said we must charge extra if people cry while buying.
Uncle Hei asked for one that grows hair only when you are honest. He thinks people will never use it.
I think I will try it anyway.
— Xiulan