Even if you say "see you tomorrow",
There's no continuation for us
There's no tomorrow for us
—Mataashita
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February 2015
Dazai was running late to therapy.
It wasn't his fault Mori had decided to give him and Chuuya another useless 'get along' assignment! This time they'd had to sculpt 47 paper mache ears for some anatomy conference-thing Mori was attending. Dazai was pretty sure he'd made the whole thing up, but he didn't have any proof, and Mori was responsible for his grade, so it was in his best interest not to argue.
He made it to the office at 1:02. No one answered when he knocked on the door, so he tried the knob and found it unlocked. When he stepped inside the room, it appeared to be empty, or at least it did until he heard a distinctive crunch from Fukuzawa's chair. The chair faced away from Dazai, but even so, Fukuzawa were seated in it, his head would be visible. Is it Sensei? Dazai wondered, taking a cautious step forward.
Then the chair spun around to face Dazai.
Ranpo stared at Dazai as he munched on his potato chips, looking amused. "How nice of you to join me," he said.
Dazai's mouth dropped open. "What the hell are you—"
"Ranpo!" Dazai glanced behind him and saw Fukuzawa standing in the doorway, looking exasperated. "What did I tell you about visiting my office during working hours?"
"That I couldn't do it," Ranpo replied. "But I was booooored!"
"I thought you had plans with Yosano," Dazai said, still processing.
"She got called in for an emergency surgery," Ranpo responded. "Anyway, I thought it'd be nice to see my favorite person interact with Dazai!"
Dazai looked back at Fukuzawa, shocked. "Hold up," he demanded. "You know each other?"
Ranpo laughed gleefully. "Oh, Dazai," he drawled. "Fukuzawa's my adoptive dad."
"Oh," said Dazai, dazed. "Well then." How did he miss that? Sure, Ranpo told him next to nothing about his family, apart from Kyouka-chan being his adoptive sibling, and Dazai had never pushed him to talk. Even so…
"So," Ranpo said casually, "Whatcha talkin' about here, anyway?"
"Nunya," Dazai threw back.
Ranpo laughed again. "Nunya business? Maybe not."
"Ranpo—" Fukuzawa tried, but Ranpo cut him off.
"Let me guess," he said. "You forced Dazai to confront his internalized homophobia and admit that he has feelings for Chuuya?"
"Ranpo," Fukuzawa replied sternly. "You know as well as I do that I'm not allowed to disclose that information."
"Yeah, yeah," Ranpo said dismissively. "I already know I'm right, anyway."
"What feelings?" Dazai said, playing dumb. It wasn't like Fukuzawa knew how he felt; Dazai had managed to keep it from him for this long, at least.
Ranpo eyed Dazai judgmentally. "Oh, was I not supposed to say that?"
"There's no feelings—" Dazai started to say.
"Aw, man," Ranpo complained, hopping off the seat. "I'm out of chips! Catch ya later, Dazai." He strolled out of the office, leaving Dazai staring after him.
"Dazai," Fukuzawa said, finally breaking the silence. "I'd like to apologize for Ranpo. He can be a bit…insensitive, at times."
"Eh," Dazai replied, waving a hand as he took his usual seat. "Nothing I'm not used to."
Fukuzawa sighed. "I suppose that's true." He crossed the room and brushed chip crumbs from his chair before taking a seat as well. "You know I'll never force you to talk about anything," he started. "That being said, is there anything Ranpo said that you'd like to address?"
"You're talking about the whole 'feelings for Chuuya' thing, right?" Dazai guessed.
"Mostly that, yes," Fukuzawa agreed.
"No comment," Dazai replied brightly.
Fukuzawa frowned. "Are you sure? You seem distressed."
Dazai repressed his bouncing leg with one hand. "Not distressed," he replied easily. "Why would I be distressed about Chuuya?" Fukuzawa gave him a long look, and for whatever reason, Dazai caved beneath his steady gaze. "Ugh, fine. I guess I have feelings for Chuuya or something. Happy?"
"Are you?" Asked Fukuzawa.
"Of course not!" Dazai replied instantly. "Why would I be happy about that?"
"You don't want to want him," Fukuzawa ventured.
"Nope," Dazai answered. "I hate him, I really do." He paused before adding, hopefully, "Are my feelings actually just feelings of hatred so strong that they feel like something else?"
Fukuzawa sighed. "I don't think so, Dazai-kun."
Dazai deflated. "Damn."
"If it makes you feel better," Fukuzawa offered, "you really could do a lot worse."
"No, I couldn't!" Dazai wailed dramatically. " Chuuya is the worst! Why did it have to be him?"
"Unfortunately," Fukuzawa answered, "love is unpredictable like that."
Dazai gagged. "I do not love Chuuya. These… feelings, they aren't love! It's just attraction, and all that. Also hatred, did I mention the hatred?"
Fukuzawa stared Dazai down for a good minute before he asked, "What is it that attracts you to Chuuya?"
Dazai coughed. "I mean. He's…you've seen him, right?"
"Ranpo showed me several images," Fukuzawa replied. "I didn't ask him to, though."
Dazai sighed. "'Course he did. Anyway, if you've seen Chuuya, then you must understand."
"He is handsome," Fukuzawa agreed. "But that's not what attracts you to him."
Dazai frowned. "How do you figure?"
"What else do you like about him?" Fukuzawa prodded. "Apart from his looks?"
"Nothing to like," Dazai lied.
"You've said he makes you laugh," Fukuzawa mentioned. "Do you find being with him enjoyable?"
Dazai didn't remember saying that, but then again, he'd said a lot of things about Chuuya since he started seeing Fukuzawa. How was he supposed to keep track of them all? "He's great in bed, if that's what you're asking," Dazai evaded.
"It's not, and you know that," Fukuzawa pointed out. "If you don't want to answer the question, you can just say so."
"I don't want to answer the question," Dazai replied immediately.
"All right," Fukuzawa responded. Then he watched Dazai for a long moment, saying nothing. It was unnerving, and the weight of his stare was more than enough to break Dazai's resolve.
"UGHGH," he groaned, putting his head in his hands. "I like the way Chuuya smells," he said, voice slightly muffled, "and I like the way his voice sounds when he's yelling at me, and the way he's weirdly smart even though it pisses me off, and—" he cut off abruptly. "I don't know. He's always there, and I don't want him to leave even though he drives me up the wall. But I kinda like it, you know?" He lifts his head to meet Fukuzawa's eyes. "Please tell me I'm making sense."
"You're making sense," Fukuzawa replied.
Dazai groaned again. "I'm not, but thank you for being nice about it."
"You don't have to continue, if you don't want to," Fukuzawa told him. "And having these feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them."
He already had, though, hadn't he? He'd done everything with Chuuya—kissed him, slept with him, slept beside him. He lived with Chuuya. They weren't married, but they might as well be.
"This is horrible," Dazai muttered. "Why the hell would anyone want to feel this way?"
"Many don't," Fukuzawa answered. "We don't exactly choose who we love."
Is that really true? Dazai wondered. He'd chosen Oda, Ango, Ranpo, Yosano, and even Atsushi, after all. He'd chosen them, and they'd chosen him back. The problem with Chuuya was both that Dazai didn't want to choose him, and that he had no idea what Chuuya wanted. Is that why I feel like this? Is it because I want Chuuya to feel the same?
"That is for you to consider," Fukuzawa replied, informing Dazai that his internal monologue had become external at some point without him noticing.
Dazai made a face as he considered that, and then blew out a breath. "Okay."
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Dazai had put off cleaning his room since before he'd gone to watch Chuuya play in the finals. The mess was beginning to encroach on his bed space, which was simply a crime. He put away his clothes first—his most recent few outfits had been piled on his desk chair for the past week or so—and sorted out the dirty things, making a note to do laundry when he had the energy. After that he moved onto his desk, organizing first the surface, and then the drawers from the top down.
When he reached the bottom drawer, he found that all it contained was a single container of instant ramen and the chocolate bar he vaguely recalled buying at the very start of the year. It was probably gross and crumbly by now, Dazai realized.
He went to toss it, but before the chocolate left his hand, he had a better idea. Chuuya was still at practice, so Dazai had plenty of time to execute his plan.
He grabbed a sheet of plain printer paper and wrote EAT ME on it in all caps before leaving it on Chuuya's bed with the chocolate bar beside it. Dazai snickered to himself as he returned to his own bed, imagining Chuuya getting excited about the chocolate only to find it decrepit and tasteless.
Chuuya returned from practice just before 2. Dazai watched in his peripheral as Chuuya noticed the note and picked up the chocolate bar. "Did you do this?" He asked Dazai, sounding confused.
"Chuuya's been well-behaved lately," Dazai answered vaguely.
Chuuya's ears turned red, probably out of anger. "Fucking weirdo," he grumbled before tearing the wrapper from the chocolate bar and breaking off a piece. Dazai watched, no longer bothering to hide his anticipation as Chuuya put the piece of chocolate in his mouth and chewed silently. "It's good," he supplied after a minute.
"Really?" Dazai said incredulously. How was the chocolate not bad? He wondered, annoyed. Did chocolate not expire?
Chuuya frowned. "Why do you look so surprised?"
"I thought dogs were allergic to chocolate," Dazai replied, covering easily.
Chuuya scowled. "You're so obnoxious. Thanks, though. I guess."
"You're welcome, I guess," mimicked Dazai, carefully hiding his disappointment that the prank had fallen through.
The air in the room was kind of weird after that. Dazai blamed it on the fact that his failure of a prank had forced him to do something sort of…nice? For Chuuya, which was wildly out of character for him. Luckily, he had plans to meet Yosano at the cafe around 4, since she had an hour off from work. He left a few minutes before without a word to Chuuya—which was fine, seeing as Chuuya had been listening to music in his earbuds for the past hour, anyway.
Yosano was waiting at a table by the window when he arrived. He went to get himself a coffee first, joining the line that was unusually long. Apparently, the cafe had a special deal on one of their signature drinks today. The latte foam was pink and had a heart drawn in the center. It was cute enough that Dazai almost wished he was capable of consuming milk.
He got his usual order of black coffee with too much sugar before sitting across from Yosano. "Busy day, eh?" He greeted.
"What did you expect?" Yosano said dryly. "It is Valentine's Day, after all."
Dazai froze. "What now?"
"Did you lose track of the date again?" Yosano asked, amused. "It's the fourteenth."
Dazai grimaced. "I thought that was…huh. I don't know what I thought." Then it hit him. "Holy shit."
Yosano tilted her head. "What is it?"
Dazai put his head in his hands. "I gave Chuuya chocolate," he mumbled, half-hoping Yosano didn't catch the words.
Unfortunately, the gods were not smiling upon Dazai today. Yosano burst out laughing, and in between fits of giggles she got out, "You…gave Chuuya…chocolate? On Valentine's Day?"
Dazai looked at her desperately. "I didn't know, I swear!"
Yosano looked like she wanted to continue laughing, but was forcing herself to be sympathetic. "How'd he react?"
"I don't know," Dazai groaned. "He thanked me? I guess he looked kinda embarrassed. I don't know!"
"Why'd you give it to him in the first place?" Yosano asked curiously.
"It was supposed to be a prank," Dazai said with a sigh. "I thought the chocolate was expired."
Yosano snorted. "That really backfired, huh?"
Dazai felt like he was developing a migraine. "Don't remind me."
Yosano sipped her coffee, still looking immensely amused. "So what are you going to do now?"
"Die," Dazai replied. Yosano sprayed him immediately, and he amended. "I don't know. Maybe I'll pretend it didn't happen?"
"You're embarrassed," Yosano realized. "Is it because you're worried you gave him the wrong impression, or because you think he'll figure out how you feel?"
"I feel nothing," Dazai replied.
Yosano sprayed him again. "Don't lie to me, bitch. You're not that stupid."
"What do you want me to say? That I have romantic feelings for Chuuya? That I loooove him?" Dazai mocked with an exaggerated eye roll.
"Yes, actually," Yosano replied.
Dazai cringed. "That's so gross."
"Yet here we are," Yosano said pointedly. "What are you going to do about these feelings?"
"What feelings?"
"You're not going to try and pretend they don't exist, are you?" Yosano checked, suspicious.
"Nooooo," Dazai hedged. "Well, maybe. Do you think I'd get away with it?"
Yosano sighed. "I think your feelings are obvious to everyone except for you, and maybe Chuuya."
"Damn," Dazai muttered. "Guess suicide really is my only way out, huh?" He braced himself, but the spray never came.
Instead, Yosano looked thoughtful. "Are you sure you don't want to tell him how you feel?" She asked. "Would it really be so bad?"
" Yes," Dazai emphasized. "How could it not be?"
"I mean," Yosano said, "would it really change things between you two?"
Dazai paused. "...Probably?"
Yosano tapped her fingers against her cup. "Are you sure about that? Because knowing Chuuya—and trust me, I do know the guy—he wouldn't let any…romantic developments change your dynamic. He's not the kind of guy who makes a big deal out of that stuff, you know?"
Dazai shrugged. "I guess not. Still—"
"You're scared he doesn't feel the same," Yosano guessed.
Dazai huffed indignantly. "I'm not scared! I just think it would be dreadfully embarrassing to be rejected by Chuuya of all people, that's all!"
"He won't reject you," Yosano said immediately.
Dazai stared at her. "Did he say something?"
"It's a gut feeling," Yosano replied. "Trust me on this one."
Dazai wasn't sure he could afford to, but he nodded nonetheless before changing the subject. "My Japanese Lit final is a short story," he mentioned. "Any idea what I should write about?"
Yosano rolled with it. "Something less depressing than your usual shit, maybe?"
Dazai grinned. "You call that depressing? You should see my diary."
Yosano wrinkled her nose. "No thanks. I think just reading your inner thoughts would be enough to drive even me to suicide."
"Mean, but true," Dazai agreed.
They talked about school until Yosano had to get back to the hospital. "You know, if you're really inspired, you could write a love story," she suggested before she left, referencing the assignment Dazai had brought up earlier.
Dazai laughed weakly. "Funny."
Yosano shrugged. "Take it or leave it. Later, loser."
"See you," Dazai replied, waving at her retreating back.
When he got back to the dorm, Chuuya was out again, so Dazai put on loud music before going to his desk and doing some mindless writing to see if any clear concepts would emerge. He didn't really know what he felt like writing, though he certainly wouldn't be writing anything to do with love.
Freefall, falling down—
Rising, flying, yellow skies and fields of blue flowers and—
Inkstains, pencils, abstract emotions—
Lemons, poppies, poverty, scapegoat—
Dazai picked out a few words and tried forming sentences with them. In the end, the only word that really stood out to him was 'scapegoat'. He wrote it on a separate page of his journal, and then tapped his pen against the desk, deep in thought. He waited for the words to come, and boy did they take their sweet time.
Still, they came. They always did, in the end. Writing was his greatest strength, after all.
Dazai put his pen to the paper and began to write: "Seiji's cold, shivering fingertips had turned a dreadful blue, but he was so worried that he didn't notice at all…"
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March 2015
The last school day fell on Friday the 13th, and final exams were approaching fast. Dazai wasn't too concerned about most of them—he'd been studying with Chuuya for their Anatomy final, and he was mostly done with his short story for Lit, anyway. Unfortunately, Shibusawa and Fukuchi were not so nice. For whatever reason, they'd decided to assign both essays and exams for their classes, and Dazai was not having a good time with that.
To alleviate the boredom of studying alone, Dazai begged his friends to study with him so that he could stay focused. Yosano and Ranpo agreed to study for History of War with him occasionally, but unfortunately, Oda and Ango were both swamped with both work and school—especially Oda, since he was in the process of finishing his novel—which meant that Dazai didn't have anyone to study for the Philosophy final with.
A week before both finals, in between History of War and Philosophy, Dazai ran into Fyodor, Sigma and Nikolai at the campus cafe. Dazai did his best to get his coffee and escape unnoticed, but of course he couldn't be so fortunate. Nikolai noticed him the moment he went to grab a coffee sleeve.
"Dazai-kun!" He called, waving wildly. "Do join us!"
Dazai sighed, beleaguered, and brought his coffee over to their table. He stood over them, refusing to pull up a chair. "Long time no see," he greeted.
Fyodor didn't so much as glance up from the book he was reading—it most certainly wasn't a book for either Philosophy or History of War—while Sigma gave Dazai a wary look.
Nikolai clapped his hands together. "Indeed! Would you like to study with us?"
"I don't have my notes on me," Dazai lied.
"You can borrow mine," Fyodor offered, still not looking up from his novel.
Damn. "I suppose I can spare some time before class," Dazai sighed.
Fyodor pulled out a vintage-looking pocket watch and checked the time. "It's 1:03 PM," he supplied. "Philosophy is at 2:00 PM."
"I know how to tell time, thanks," Dazai said, a bit rudely. Fyodor didn't seem to mind, though.
Nikolai let out a cackle reminiscent of Ranpo's. "Delightful! Pull up a chair, Dazai-kun. You can sit next to Sigma!"
There was indeed a space between Sigma and the wall just large enough for another chair. Sigma looked as if he wished there wasn't, though.
As much as Dazai didn't want to hang out with Fyodor and Nikolai, he couldn't pass up an opportunity to harass Sigma. He pulled up a stool and plopped himself down, Nikolai watching him like a hawk and the other two both ignoring him, to some extent. Once he was settled in, Fyodor wordlessly passed him a notebook filled with nearly illegible scribbles. Dazai recognized maybe four out of ten words he saw.
Sigma heaved a sigh and dropped his notes on top of Fyodor's. "You'll strain your eyes reading that," he said in explanation. "Just get them back to me soon."
Fyodor didn't take offense as Dazai passed the notes back to him before looking at Sigma's, which were far neater and easier to decipher. He'd already memorized most of the material, but Sigma had some interesting thoughts on some of the material that hadn't even occurred to Dazai.
Studying with the three of them was more enjoyable than Dazai would have expected it to be, which wasn't saying much. The bar wasn't just low, it was practically underground; though Dazai enjoyed Sigma's company just fine, he wasn't as easy to wind up as Chuuya, and Fyodor and Nikolai were constantly eyefucking in a manner that was very uncomfortable to watch (though they did tone it down a bit around Sigma, which was somewhat a relief).
Overall, the experience was mediocre, but interesting enough that Dazai agreed to study with them the next day.
And the next.
And the next.
It became a routine, at least for that week leading up to the exam. Nikolai's energy level began to feel slightly more bearable, as did Fyodor's apathy. Sigma even opened up to Dazai a little bit—he told Dazai that he actually hated being a marketing major, and was considering switching to marine biology. Dazai suggested that he talk to Atsushi about that, since he didn't know much about any of the biology majors himself.
They'd started a group chat at some point, and Dazai had also begun texting Fyodor separately to run ideas for his philosophy paper by him and play virtual chess. They took turns winning, and by the time their final exam rolled around, they were tied at 6-6. They didn't talk much outside of that, which suited Dazai just fine.
The History of War final exam didn't end up being as hard as Dazai had dreaded it would be. He came out of it confident enough, as did Ranpo, Yosano, Fyodor and Nikolai. Sigma looked a bit anxious, but then again, he tended to psych himself out, Dazai had come to learn. He was sure Sigma would be alright.
The Philosophy final exam was a bit trickier—the essay questions at the end just about killed every kernel of motivation to graduate that Dazai possessed—but he made it through in the end, along with Oda, Ango and Fyodor. Oda had work immediately after, and since they were all officially done with school (at least until it started back up on the 30th) Dazai, Fyodor and Ango went along with him to Bar Lupin to grab a drink in celebration of finishing their final exam. Dazai had a shift at 6, so he had to be there soon enough, anyway. He texted Ranpo and Yosano on the way, while Fyodor invited Nikolai after politely asking Ango and Dazai if that was all right with them (Ango didn't know any better, so he said yes before Dazai could object).
Nikolai, Ranpo and Yosano, who had been lucky enough to get a few hours off of work, joined them soon after they got to Bar Lupin. The six of them grabbed a table in the back while Oda went to get changed for work, and once he had, he came to take their orders. Yosano got wine, Dazai sake, and Ango whisky, while Ranpo stuck with a cream soda and both Fyodor and Nikolai ordered straight vodka. Dazai barely suppressed a gag as he caught a whiff of the alcohol when Oda brought it over.
Nikolai must have noticed Dazai's miniscule reaction, because he smirked and said, "Would you like a sip, Dazai-kun?"
Ranpo almost spat out his drink as he laughed. "Yeah, Dazai, do it," he goaded, knowing very well how much Dazai hated the taste of vodka without anything to chase it with.
"No thanks," Dazai said politely.
Nikolai shrugged nonchalantly. "Suit yourself."
"You know what?" Yosano declared suddenly. "We should go to the beach."
"I'm in," Ranpo said instantly. "When?"
"How about next Wednesday?" Ango proposed.
"I don't have work until that evening," Yosano replied. She turned to Fyodor and Nikolai and asked, "What about you two?"
"I'm working a party at six!" Nikolai answered. "Fedya, on the other hand, is tragically jobless."
"What do you do for work, exactly?" Ango asked, confused.
Nikolai grinned. "I'm a clown! I mostly do children's birthday parties. You know, balloon animals and the like."
Ranpo snorted. "Well, that certainly fits the profile."
"Who else should we invite?" Yosano asked the group at large.
Ranpo slid his gaze to Dazai. "Chuuya?" He suggested innocently.
"I'll bring it up," Dazai replied, ignoring Ranpo's tone. "Are you going to invite Mushi-kun and Poe-kun?"
"Why not?" Ranpo answered.
"I can inform Sigma of our plans," Fyodor offered.
"Oh, and Atsushi-kun must be invited as well!" Dazai exclaimed. "Also, be warned, Chuuya will most likely invite Tecchou and Tachihara, which means—"
"Jouno and Gin will be there too, right?" Ranpo guessed knowingly. "Which means that Higuchi and Akutagawa will tag along, too."
"Akutagawa has work at 4, so maybe we should aim to be back by three?" Ango suggested.
Dazai frowned. "Since when did we cater to what Akutagawa wants?"
Yosano brought her fist down on Dazai's head, making him yelp. "Leave that poor boy alone," she chastised. "He's miserable and emo enough on his own without you bullying him."
"Me, bully?" Dazai gasped. "I would never!"
Ango tapped on his phone, examining a map. "How does everyone feel about Chigasaki Beach?"
"I like that one," Yosano replied.
"I don't know the place, but I'm sure it will be splendid," Nikolai proclaimed.
"Meet there at 10 AM?" Ango confirmed.
Dazai groaned. "So early!"
"You'll live," Ango said dismissively.
The group agreed to those terms, and it was settled. Dazai had something to look forward to, something that wasn't just the end of the school year, or moving out of the dorm and finally escaping Chuuya.
Right. That.
Dazai still didn't know what the hell he was going to do after he moved out in exactly one week. He could apply to stay in the dorm again, but that was kind of a nuisance, and anyway, what if he ended up stuck with a roommate that was somehow even worse than Chuuya?
No, that simply wouldn't do.
"Hey Ango, can I live on your couch for a while?" Dazai blurted abruptly.
Ango gave him a long look. "How long are we talking?"
Dazai mulled it over. "A year?"
Ango sighed. "We both know that won't work."
"Why don't you just get an apartment with Chuuya?" Ranpo cut in.
Dazai made a face. "No way."
"You want to," Yosano said pointedly. "What's stopping you?"]
"I don't want to," Dazai argued. "He's loud and annoying! He's the bane of my existence, and I'm finally going to be free of him! Why should I do anything to change that?"
"I don't know, maybe because you're actually so afraid of losing him that you refuse to tell him how you really feel?" Ranpo drawled. "Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to say that, was I?"
"I—" Dazai paused, considering his next words carefully. "It's not that. It wouldn't work, even if I wanted it to."
Ango sighed. "Look, Dazai. How about this: if you talk to Chuuya, and he explicitly states that he doesn't want to live with you— without you provoking him to say that—then you can live on our couch for a year. I don't know why you would want to, that thing is uncomfortable as hell, but to each their own, I suppose."
Dazai brightened. "Ango! You're the best!"
"You seem awfully sure that he won't want to live with you," Ranpo observed.
"Of course," Dazai replied. "It's obvious, isn't it?"
"Talk to him soon," Ango urged. "You have until the 21st before you have to move out, right?"
"Yep," Dazai answered. "I'll bring it up next time I see him."
He really did mean to bring it up that night, but by the time he made it back to the dorm, Chuuya was already in bed. Instead, he waited until the following morning to talk to Chuuya. He didn't fall asleep until well after 4 AM, and only managed to catch a few hours before he woke up again.
Chuuya was already bustling about, probably reorganizing his hat collection or something dumb like that. "Hey, Chuuya," Dazai called from his bed. "Wanna get an apartment together?"
Chuuya paused his movements and glanced at Dazai apprehensively. "Like, for real?"
"Sure, why not," Dazai replied nonchalantly. "Better the devil you know, right?"
Chuuya rolled his eyes. "Fine. You'd better help me find an apartment, though—I'm not doing that shit alone."
Dazai was too stunned to respond immediately. When he finally did, all he could say was, "You actually want to live with me?"
Chuuya shrugged. "Devil you know," he replied before turning back to his task.
Dazai was still in shock when Chuuya got ready for practice a few hours later. Immediately before Chuuya left, he came over to Dazai's bed and shoved something into Dazai's lap. He didn't quite meet Dazai's eyes, and his ears were red as he told Dazai, "I know you don't like chocolate much. Figured fish food would be more up your alley."
Dazai glanced down at the container of sour gummy worms Chuuya had handed him. "How'd you know I like these?" He asked.
"Lucky guess," Chuuya replied, looking embarrassed. "I hope you choke on them. See ya." He left for practice, Dazai staring after him, somewhat dumbfounded by this development.
As soon as Chuuya was gone, he shot a text to Yosano. Chuuya gave me sour gummy worms, he wrote.
That's fitting, Yosano replied a minute later. Very nice of him to return the gesture, too.
Dazai frowned. What gesture?
All Yosano said to that was, check the date, dumbass.
Dazai did, and his jaw dropped. "Since when was it White Day?" He mumbled to himself. And more importantly… what did it mean?
Sure, Dazai had given Chuuya chocolate on Valentine's day, but technically, that had been an accident. This was intentional, and even worse, Chuuya had also agreed to live with Dazai!
This is horrible, Dazai thought as he popped a worm into his mouth and chewed contemplatively. Does this mean Chuuya— he wrinkled his nose. No way. Chuuya doesn't think of me like that.
Then again, would Chuuya do this just to be nice? He was kind, of course, but he wasn't nice. Not to Dazai, anyway.
What did it mean?
Dazai absentmindedly finished off the container of worms. He had a nagging feeling that there was something he was refusing to acknowledge. All of the evidence was there; now, it was only a matter of believing it.
I want Chuuya to want me, he thought reluctantly. I want him to… he paused. Did he want to date Chuuya? Did he really want to be stuck with him in such a way? (He knew the answer to that, of course, but admitting it to himself was a lot harder than he'd ever thought it would be.)
When Chuuya finally returned from practice, Dazai was lying on his stomach—which hurt a bit, thanks to the fact that he'd eaten candy for breakfast—with his face pressed into the pillow.
"What's up with you?" Chuuya said bluntly.
Dazai groaned. "This is awful," he mumbled to himself.
"Huh?"
Dazai sat up abruptly and looked at Chuuya. "Chuuya," he stated. "Date me."
Chuuya's eyes widened. " Huh?"
"I'm calling in the favor you owe me," Dazai explained. "And I'd like for you to date me."
Chuuya stared at him incredulously. "For how long?"
Dazai shrugged. "How long do people normally date for?"
"We're not exactly normal," Chuuya pointed out.
"Yeah," Dazai said, resigned. "I know."
There was a long pause, and then Chuuya said, "Okay."
Dazai hadn't realized he was staring at the floor until his head snapped up. "Like for real?" He said, parroting Chuuya's words from earlier.
"For real," Chuuya agreed.
Dazai blinked at him, perplexed. "But—"
"Dazai," Chuuya cut in. "We already kiss all the time. We sleep together, we hold hands, and as far as I'm aware, neither of us are doing those things with anyone else. How is dating any different from that?"
It did sound pretty incriminating when Chuuya put it like that. "Huh."
"Yeah."
There was another pause, and then Dazai groaned again. "My friends are going to give me so much shit for this," he complained.
Chuuya laughed at Dazai's misfortune. "Good."
Why does it have to be him? Dazai wondered, annoyed.
Then Chuuya pulled Dazai's hands away from his face and leaned in close. "I hope you know what you're getting into," he said.
"Oh, shorty," Dazai replied condescendingly. "I've known since the start." It was unfortunately true.
Chuuya rolled his eyes in response and brought his fist down on Dazai's leg. It wasn't quite hard enough to bruise, but even so, a punch had never felt as good as this.
Afraid of letting go now,
Afraid to move so here you'll always stay,
And here you'll always stay
—Tokyo Ghetto
▝■▙▚▛■▜▞▟■▘
March 2015
They hadn't planned to invite so many people, but Dazai supposed their beach trip was bound to get out of hand.
Chuuya, as predicted, had invited Tecchou and Tachihara. Tecchou brought Jouno, and Tachihara came with Gin, Higuchi, and Akutagawa. Atsushi came alone, while Ranpo brought Poe, Mushitarou, Kenji and Kyouka. Ango and Oda drove Dazai, Chuuya, Yosano and Kouyou, who both Chuuya and Yosano had been getting to know at their biweekly wine nights. She was a little more chill outside of a classroom setting, Dazai learned (though she decidedly did not like Dazai's taste in Beach Music. Dazai didn't care what she thought, Perfect Blue was the perfect beach song).
Fyodor, Nikolai and Sigma were the last to show up at their agreed-upon meeting point, the massive 'C' sculpture engraved with the words 'Southern Beach Chigasaki'. They'd all arrived more or less around 10, and once they were all present, Yosano led them down the beach until they found a suitable spot to set up. The beach wasn't all that busy this time of year, since the water was too cold for swimming, and the sun not yet strong enough to tan.
Higuchi, Chuuya and Dazai put down colorful beach towels, while Ango set up the cooler of drinks they'd brought and Oda passed out snacks. Tecchou and Jouno immediately went to stick their feet in the water, despite the fact that it must have been frigid. Fyodor set up a beach umbrella and hid out in the shade while Nikolai worked on a sand castle with Akutagawa, Kenji and Kyouka. Atsushi was advising Sigma on how to change his major, and Dazai had no idea where Kouyou and Yosano had gone off to, but they'd taken at least two of the three bottles of wine with them. Ranpo was monopolizing the snacks despite Oda, Mushitarou and Poe's attempts to stop him, while Tachihara and Gin lay side by side to bathe in the weak, late-March sunlight.
Dazai got bored pretty quick, as per usual. Also as per usual, his first instinct was to turn to Chuuya. "Chuuyaaa," he whined, poking at Chuuya's shoulder.
Chuuya was lying on his stomach, face pressed into his beach towel. "What," he grouched, turning his face slightly so that he could peek at Dazai.
"Entertain me," Dazai commanded.
"Why should I?" Chuuya retorted. "Entertain yourself, jerkwad."
Dazai heard Ango snort, but chose to ignore him. "That's a cute pet name," he replied easily. "What would you like me to call you?"
"Anything but 'shorty'," Chuuya mumbled.
"Whatever you say, leprechaun." Chuuya punched him halfheartedly, and Dazai amended, "My little pumpkin." He paused. "Get it? Because you're orange?"
"You're so fucking annoying," Chuuya muttered. To Ango he called, "Does he come with a mute button?"
"Unfortunately, he does not," Ango told Chuuya regretfully.
"Some friend you are," Dazai grumbled. "You should feel grateful that your ears have been blessed by the musical tones of my voice! Right, Odasaku?" Dazai swiveled his head and found that Oda was already asleep on his towel. "Dang it," muttered Dazai. "There goes my backup."
Ango stood and brushed off his legs. "I'm going to walk by the water. Please try not to kill Dazai until he pays me back for—" he paused. "You know what? Nevermind. Do what you want." Ango headed towards the water, leaving Dazai and Chuuya beside a sleeping Oda.
Dazai perked up as he thought of something. "I know! Let's trade pickup lines!"
Chuuya groaned into his beach towel. "Please don't."
Dazai grinned and began running through all of the pickup lines he'd ever heard, along with a few he made up on the spot. They got exceedingly more ridiculous: "Are you expired milk? Because I'd like to slurp you right up!" and "Are you a garden hose? If so, would you mind getting me wet?" and Dazai's personal favorite, "Are you a dying horse? Or is that just the sound you make when you—"
"Shut up," Chuuya roared finally, loud enough to make Fyodor momentarily look up from his novel anddraw curious looks from Higuchi, Tachihara and Gin. "I swear to god , you're going to make my ears bleed."
"I'm sure blood looks good on Chuuya," Dazai replied.
"You wanna see if it looks good on you, too?" Chuuya threatened.
"Maybe later," Dazai hedged. Not that he would be entirely opposed to Chuuya making him bleed here and now, but he was a bit worried about traumatizing the few families in the vicinity (and his own friends as well, he supposed).
Tecchou, Jouno, Kenji and Kyouka returned to their spot to grab snacks a while later. Kenji was chatting Tecchou's ear off, and surprisingly, Tecchou was taking in every word he said. Dazai supposed he didseem like the patient type, while Jouno…was the type to fight a ten-year-old if they looked at him wrong. They certainly made an interesting pair.
Kyouka wordlessly brought Dazai an apricot. "You haven't eaten anything yet," she pointed out.
"Oops," Dazai mumbled. "Thank you, Kyouka-chan." They sat and ate their fruit, letting Kenji fill the silence. Chuuya was practically asleep by now, so Dazai didn't hesitate to comb a hand through his hair.
Atsushi, Sigma and Akutagawa joined their circle before long, while Nikolai went straight to Fyodor and sat beside him, close enough that he was practically in his lap.
Tachihara pulled out a deck of cards he'd brought and began teaching Tecchou, Kenji, Akutagawa, Nikolai, Sigma, Kyouka and Poe how to play poker using carrots as gambling chips. Sigma was especially good, and after winning a few rounds, he admitted that he already knew how to play. "I grew up in a casino," he explained. "I never knew my parents, but my uncle Bram taught me poker when I was five."
Nikolai looked delighted by that. "What a lovely uncle you have! I'd love to meet him someday."
Sigma eyed Nikolai. "I don't think he'd like you much."
Dazai tsked. "Oh, Sigma. Since when has that ever stopped Nikolai?"
Yosano and Kouyou finally joined them as they finished up the game with two empty wine bottles in hand. Somehow they were still conscious despite the amount of alcohol they'd consumed. Ango returned shortly after that and woke up Oda so that they could eat the sandwiches they'd brought. Dazai pinched Chuuya's cheek to wake him as well, knowing he'd be grouchy if he missed out on lunch.
"So, Dazai," Ranpo said slyly the moment Dazai bit into his sandwich. "When were you going to tell us you and Chuuya made it official?"
Dazai all but choked on his sandwich, and forced himself to swallow before saying, "Oh, did I forget to mention that?"
Yosano spat out her wine. Luckily, it hit the sand and not anyone's face. "You what?"
Dazai shrugged. "It was so embarrassing, I didn't want to mention it," he replied.
Chuuya looked annoyed. "As if I'm any less embarrassed?"
"That's it," Dazai declared. "I'm breaking up with you."
"If anyone's dumping anyone, it'll be me dumping you," Chuuya retorted, unfazed.
Ango sighed. "They'll either last until school starts again and then have a catastrophic breakup, or—"
"Or they'll be the first of us to get married," Yosano agreed. "For 'tax reasons'."
"The second one," Ranpo decided, and no one disagreed.
"Well, congratulations, I suppose," Kouyou offered. "Though I still firmly believe that Chuuya can do much better."
"Oh, he can," Ranpo confirmed. "I'm really not sure how Dazai pulled him."
"It was the hat soup," Dazai explained.
Chuuya punched him. "If you ever do that shit again, I'm dumping you for real."
"I'm happy for you guys," Atsushi said, giving them a genuine smile. "All of us are." He nudged Akutagawa pointedly.
Akutagawa made a face. "I suppose it was only a matter of time before this occurred."
"It was," Tachihara agreed. "That much was obvious."
Chuuya stared at him, aghast. "You knew I'd be stuck with this bastard and you didn't say anything?"
Tachihara shrugged. "What would I have said? 'Hey, by the way, I'm pretty sure you like the guy you claim to hate—"
"I do hate him!"
"—and you're probably going to end up dating, just a heads up'." Tachihara paused. "Would that have helped?"
Chuuya looked embarrassed. "I guess not," he muttered.
"It'th okay to admith you have feelingth," Tecchou said around a bite of his egg-and-mustard sandwich.
Jouno wrinkled his nose. "Don't talk with your mouth full, I can smell your disgusting concoction."
"Thorry," Tecchou answered, unabashed.
"When do we get to see your apartment?" Yosano cut in. "You have found one, right?"
Dazai and Chuuya exchanged a glance. "We're working on it," Dazai answered for them both.
"Where are you staying in the meantime?" Atsushi asked, confused. "Aren't the dorms closed?"
"I'm at Oda and Ango's for now," Dazai replied. "Chuuya's staying with Tachihara."
"We've found a few promising prospects," Chuuya informed the group. "Most of them are pretty small, but we can't afford anything too extravagant right now anyway."
"Is there anything in particular you're looking for?" Fyodor asked, speaking up for the first time since the start of their conversation.
"Well, Dazai wants a cat," Chuuya said distastefully, "so somewhere that allows pets would be ideal."
"Chuuya would rather have a smelly dog," Dazai added. "One dog is enough for me, though."
"I'll kill you," Chuuya warned. "No one here would miss you."
"I would," Oda broke in, straight-faced. "A little."
" Thank you, Odasaku," Dazai said smugly.
"Well, I'd help you hide the body," Yosano declared.
"Me too," Ranpo agreed. "No one would ever find out it's a murder."
"What about everyone in this group?" Kenji asked, tilting his head. "Wouldn't we all know who did it?"
"I'd turn you in," Tecchou informed Chuuya. "Unfortunately, it is my duty to do so."
"What are you, a cop?" Jouno said disdainfully.
"I am an upstanding citizen," Tecchou replied.
"I could assist with the murder, if you'd like," Nikolai offered Chuuya.
"Oh my god," Dazai muttered. "Can we not talk about killing me for, I don't know, five minutes?"
"You started it," Chuuya pointed out.
"Yes, perhaps you shouldn't have called Chuuya a dog," Kouyou contributed.
"He is a dog!"
"And you're a smelly mackerel!"
"Slug."
"Rude bastard."
"Shorty."
"Beanpole."
"Leprechaun."
"Suicidal maniac."
"Ooh, he got you there, Dazai," Ranpo claimed.
Dazai sighed forlornly. "Perhaps I should end it all now." He paused before adding, "Do we have enough alcohol to poison me? I wouldn't mind going out like tha—" he yelped as Yosano sprayed him. "Why did you even bring that to the beach?"
"I had a feeling I'd need it," Yosano replied.
The conversation turned to everyone's schedules for the upcoming year. Dazai grew bored pretty quick—he wasn't particularly in the mood to talk about school—so he nudged Chuuya and mumbled, "Go for a walk?"
"Sure," Chuuya replied.
No one seemed to mind them leaving. They headed down the beach, towards the water. They'd left their socks and shoes behind, and Dazai rolled up his pants a bit before stepping into the waves. The ocean was mostly calm today, rolling gently and kissing the shore before drawing back.
Dazai took Chuuya's hand without thinking and harshly tugged him towards the water, making him trip over the sand. "Bastard," Chuuya muttered, but he didn't sound all that upset.
"You like it," Dazai replied.
"I have never once claimed that," Chuuya shot back.
"You didn't need to."
They headed towards a cluster of rocks and climbed to the top before sitting side by side, facing the water. The sky was partly clouded over, but the sun still peeked through occasionally, making the waves sparkle in an almost blinding manner. "I wish it would rain," Dazai said thoughtlessly.
Chuuya raised an eyebrow. "Really? Now of all times?"
Dazai shrugged. "It looks nice on the water, you know?"
"I guess," Chuuya replied. "I'd rather not get soaked right now, though."
Dazai smirked. "So you'd hate me if I threw you in the water right now, huh?"
"As if you could," Chuuya retorted.
"Wanna bet?"
The ensuing scuffle, of course, ended with Dazai plunging into the water. It was only about ten centimeters deep, but it shocked Dazai to the bone. "I could drown in this, if I wanted to," he pointed out.
Chuuya joined him before splashing him full in the face. "No suicide talk at the beach," he reprimanded.
"You really need to spend less time with Yosano," Dazai commented. "She appears to be rubbing off on you in the worst possible manner."
"Good."
They splashed each other back and forth until the feeling of Dazai's wet clothes against his bandages made him cringe, then headed back down the beach towards their friends. About halfway there, Chuuya paused, and Dazai slowed to a halt beside him. "We'll be okay, right?" Chuuya asked him suddenly.
"Obviously," Dazai replied. "When have we not been?"
Chuuya gave him a long look. "I guess you're right."
Dazai rolled his eyes. "Stop talking and kiss me already. I can tell you want to."
"Don't tell me what I want," Chuuya replied, but he kissed Dazai anyway. The sand shifted beneath them, and the waves pushed at their ankles, but they kept their footing despite all of that. They steadied each other, preventing the inevitable fall.
Dazai was sure it was only a matter of time before they lost their balance, but he didn't mind. Chuuya would catch him either way