The artifact didn't just spit them out this time—it launched them like cursed cannonballs. They landed in a heap, tangled in vines, cloaks, and existential dread.
"Where… are we now?" Jax asked, peeling a giant banana leaf from his face.
Emily groaned. "Welcome to the Arena of Endings. Sounds final. Smells like regret."
Rafe poked the ground. It hissed. "Yep. Regret. Or lava rats."
They stood in a massive, cracked stone coliseum beneath a blood-red sky. Banners fluttered overhead, inscribed with runes, warnings, and—oddly—several advertisements for magical hemorrhoid cream.
A booming voice echoed: "CHAMPIONS! THE FINAL TRIAL AWAITS!"
Jax tightened his gloves. Emily summoned her blades. Rafe sipped an emergency latte from a spell-sealed thermos.
"This is it," Emily said. "Final chapter. Final fight. Possibly final… us."
Jax took her hand. "No matter what happens, I'd pick this mess again."
Rafe nodded. "Same. Minus the ghost wedgie incident. That I'd skip."
Trial One: The Mirror Melee
Stone columns rose around them, mirrors glimmering. They faced themselves.
Or rather—twisted, evil versions of themselves. Dark Jax, Scarred Emily, and Sleazy Rafe (with a goatee, obviously).
Dark Jax sneered. "Pathetic. Love has made you weak."
Regular Jax lit his hands with fire. "Nah. It's made me dangerous with better fashion."
The battle was fierce. Mirror Emily wielded black flame daggers. Rafe fought himself using interpretive dance. Jax and his double clashed in a storm of flame and fury.
Emily whispered a spell she hadn't used in years—one she created for protection, but now used for destruction. "Fracturam cordis."
The mirrors shattered. Evil versions screamed, dissolving into smoke.
One trial down.
Trial Two: The Gauntlet of Regret
They crossed a bridge of bones into a foggy realm where voices whispered.
"Emily… you should've let him go."
"Jax… you're just a distraction."
"Rafe… you're always the extra."
The whispers became wails. They saw visions—Emily leaving Jax, Rafe dying alone, Jax walking away from them both.
"I hate this place," Rafe muttered. "It's like a high school reunion from hell."
Emily gritted her teeth. "We're not our fears. We're our choices."
Jax stepped forward. "And I choose you. Both of you. Every time."
The fog cleared. The whispers stopped. The path opened.
Trial Three: The Final Trick
At the coliseum's center stood a massive throne. On it sat the Artifact Keeper—a being made of gold, shadow, and really smug energy.
"Congratulations," it purred. "But you must pay the price."
A beam of light connected them. The artifact appeared, floating.
"Choose," said the Keeper. "Only one of you may keep your memories. The others forget everything. Love. Friendship. All of it."
Jax, without hesitation: "Take mine."
Emily: "No! I'll do it."
Rafe: "Too late. Already offered. Dibs."
They argued, voices rising. Then Emily took Jax's face in her hands. "If you forget, I'll remind you. Every single day."
Jax smiled. "Then I'm not afraid."
The artifact glowed.
"Unexpected," the Keeper said. "You all fail."
They blinked.
"What?!" Rafe shouted.
"You fail… to be selfish. Which is the correct answer."
A laugh boomed.
The artifact dissolved into light.
"You've passed."
The Reward: A Choice
The ground trembled. A portal opened.
"You may return to the normal world," the voice said. "With powers intact. Or forget this ever happened—and live a safe, simple life."
They stood in silence.
Rafe said, "I vote powers. Safe and simple is overrated."
Jax and Emily exchanged a look.
"Adventure?" Jax asked.
"Always," Emily replied.
They stepped through.
Epilogue: Six Months Later
Emily's diner had a new sign: "Vamps & Vaffles." Underneath: "Magic Served Fresh."
Rafe handled PR. Jax cooked spicy omelets with fire magic. Emily ran the place like a benevolent queen with a cleaver.
They'd fought curses, monsters, bureaucracy (which was the worst), and opened their second location.
One night, after closing, Jax sat on the counter.
"I've been thinking," he said.
Emily raised an eyebrow. "That's dangerous."
He pulled out a box. Inside: a ring made from starlight and chaos stone.
"I love you. I want more weird. With you. Forever."
Emily stared.
Rafe leaned over the jukebox and hit "Play." A mariachi polka filled the air.
Emily whispered, "Yes."
They kissed. The lights flickered. A portal opened in the broom closet.
"Don't even think about it," Emily said.
Jax grinned. "Maybe just one more adventure."
The three of them turned to the glowing portal. Behind them, the diner sizzled with magic. Ahead, the unknown waited—loud, chaotic, and full of love.
They charged in laughing.
Bonus Chaos: The Bachelorette Battle
Two weeks later, an interdimensional reality TV show called "Who Wants to Court a Cursed Warrior?" accidentally cast Emily as its final contestant. She tried to quit. Instead, she won the whole thing by defeating all the other bachelorettes in magical dodgeball.
Rafe became the show's surprise host. "Coming up next: Single Sphinxes in the City!"
Jax rolled his eyes and lit a cigar with his pinky flame.
And Finally... The Pet Kraken
As a reward for saving the realms, the triad received a baby kraken named Fluffy. He lived in the diner's mop bucket and liked eating sarcasm and shoes.
Fluffy burbled contentedly as they toasted their absurd lives.
"Here's to portals," Emily said.
"Here's to love," Jax added.
"To chaos!" Rafe cheered.
Fluffy belched glitter.
Coda: The Anniversary Mayhem
One year later, the trio celebrated their strange, sweet life with an anniversary banquet on the roof of the Vamps & Vaffles HQ. There was a band made of sentient saxophones, dancing broomsticks, and at least one exorcism (accidental).
Emily wore her blade holsters with a sequined gown. Jax wore a tux enchanted to shimmer in starlight. Rafe wore a bathrobe and called it "boho wizard chic."
Just as dessert arrived (a flan that whispered dirty limericks), the sky ripped open again. This time, it was a flaming chariot driven by the Interdimensional Tax Authority.
"YOU OWE US 27 YEARS OF PORTAL FEES!" the auditor shrieked.
Emily threw a fork. Jax summoned a wall of spicy air. Rafe jumped into the dessert cart yelling, "TO THE FRIDGE PORTAL!"
Another adventure began.
THE END. AGAIN. FOR REAL THIS TIME. MAYBE.