When the artifact flared again, it didn't transport them to a flaming jungle, a magical maze, or a haunted disco dimension. No, it delivered Jax, Emily, and Rafe directly into the most terrifying battlefield of all: a living room in the suburbs.
Floral wallpaper. Plastic-covered furniture. A thousand porcelain dolls blinking in unison.
Jax took one look around and whispered, "This is worse than the cannibal clowns."
Emily didn't disagree. "We're in Grandma Vespera's lair. Tread softly. She can smell fear, weakness, and poorly-made tea."
The wall clock struck six. The dolls all blinked at once. Then the door to the kitchen creaked open.
Out walked a woman in a crimson evening gown, fangs gleaming, pearls perfectly aligned. Her eyes were ancient rubies set in wisdom and war.
"Emily, darling," she said. "You've brought home a boy. Finally."
"I didn't bring him. The artifact forced us here," Emily muttered.
"Semantics." Vespera turned to Jax. "You. Mortal. Explain yourself."
Jax bowed. "Jax Anders. Pyromancer, disaster enthusiast, and… dating your granddaughter. Possibly being hazed by this magic relic."
"Bold. Stupid. But bold," Vespera said. "You may live through dinner."
Rafe raised a hand. "I'm just here for moral support and free food."
Vespera narrowed her eyes. "You can do the dishes."
Rafe sighed. "Always me."
Appetizers and Apprehension
The dinner table was a Gothic masterpiece: candelabras with screaming flames, silverware enchanted to float if dropped, and a centerpiece of pickled unicorn hearts.
Emily leaned over. "Don't eat the purple ones. They bite back."
A severed butler hand placed bowls of soup in front of them. Jax stared into his bowl.
"Why is mine blinking?"
"That's normal," Vespera said. "It's eyeball consommé. A classic."
He poked it. It winked.
"So, Jax," Vespera said, sipping her wine (which was definitely not grape-based). "Tell me, how do you intend to protect my granddaughter from death, doom, and heartbreak?"
Jax straightened. "By not dying, not running, and not being an idiot."
Vespera raised an elegant eyebrow. "Three nevers. Impressive. What about betrayal? My granddaughter tends to inspire obsession and drama."
"I've been stabbed for her already. Twice," Jax said. "I'm invested."
The spoon in Vespera's hand quivered. Then she smiled.
"I like you. But I will still disembowel you if you hurt her."
Jax nodded. "Understood."
Rafe whispered to Emily, "This is going better than I expected."
"Wait till dessert," she said darkly.
Family Games: Truth or Hex
After the main course (a roast beast that growled when sliced), Vespera announced a game.
"Truth or Hex," she said. "Each guest must answer a question or suffer a minor curse."
Rafe groaned. "Define 'minor.'"
Vespera flicked a finger. Rafe's nose grew three inches.
"Minor," she said.
Jax went first. Vespera smiled like a chess master.
"Jax, what is your worst fear?"
He swallowed. "Losing Emily before I get to tell her I love her again."
Emily froze.
Vespera blinked. "Acceptable. Emily, same question."
"Being vulnerable," Emily said. "Especially around people I… like. A lot."
"Romantic cowardice," Vespera said with approval. "Tradition."
Rafe got: "Have you ever stolen someone's identity?"
"Yes," he said. "But they were boring, so I upgraded it."
They moved on to curses. Jax was temporarily turned into a teddy bear. Emily spoke only in iambic pentameter for ten minutes. Rafe got fleas.
Emily wiped a tear from her eye. "This is the most fun I've had in weeks."
Vespera smiled. "Dinner's not over yet."
The Ghost of Exes Past
The windows slammed shut. The air chilled.
Vespera stood. "Final test. The artifact demands closure. Welcome… the Ghost of Exes Past."
Smoke billowed.
From the mist stepped… Ace.
"Seriously?" Emily groaned.
Ace looked sheepish. "Hey. I'm just here because I died in Chapter 7. Closure contract."
Jax stepped forward, sparks crackling in his palms. "You kissed my girlfriend."
"She kissed me while possessed," Ace replied. "Let's not restart the war."
Emily sighed. "Ace. You're dramatic, unstable, and you once tried to curse my boots."
"They were judgmental boots!" Ace protested.
"I'm over you," she said. "And I'm with someone who sees me. All of me. And stays."
Ace wilted like a ghostly daffodil.
"Can I go now?"
"Only if you do a little ghost dance," Vespera said.
He moonwalked through a wall.
Rafe applauded. "Closure achieved."
Tea and Threats
As the evening wound down, Vespera poured steaming bloodroot tea.
"I approve," she said to Jax. "But know this: Emily is legacy. She is power. She is mine. If you ever break her heart, I will end you in seven dimensions."
Jax sipped his tea. "If I ever hurt her, I'd help you do it."
Emily blushed. "Oh my gods, stop bonding with my vampire grandma."
Vespera winked. "You have good taste. I'll allow this union."
Jax coughed. "Wait—was this a proposal?"
"Dinner test," Vespera said. "But I'm keeping the scrapbook slot open."
The Portal Home
The artifact lit up. Trial complete.
They stood at the threshold. Rafe hugged Vespera, who turned his nose back to normal.
Emily hugged her grandmother.
Vespera whispered, "You chose well."
Then to Jax: "Protect her joy. It's rarer than blood diamonds."
"I will."
As they stepped through the portal, Jax whispered to Emily, "So, next dinner at my place?"
Emily snorted. "Only if your mom serves cursed lasagna."
Bonus Round: Cursed Karaoke and Vampire Polka
Just as they stepped toward the portal, the artifact pulsed red again.
Vespera sighed. "The artifact demands… entertainment."
With a wave of her hand, the living room transformed into a karaoke lounge. The dolls clapped. Rafe was already holding a microphone.
"What do you mean 'already'?" Jax asked.
"I come prepared."
Rafe launched into a rousing rendition of "Highway to Hell," accompanied by a ghostly jazz trio.
Emily was pulled into a vampire polka with her grandmother. Jax tried to dodge but ended up partnered with a werewolf in heels.
Two songs and one possessed conga line later, the artifact flashed green.
Vespera declared, "Now you may go."
Emily clutched her side, laughing. "Best. Dinner. Ever."
Jax groaned, holding his side. "My ribs disagree."
Encore Chaos: Doll Rebellion and the Cheesecake Trials
But just as the group reached the final shimmer of portal light, the dolls began to shake. One by one, their little heads turned in unison.
Rafe froze. "Did the dolls just grow fangs?"
Emily groaned. "Ugh. Grandma's backup security system. The porcelain patrol."
"Why are they aiming at us?" Jax asked.
Vespera hissed. "I may have forgotten to disable the Cheesecake Defense Protocol. You didn't eat dessert."
From the kitchen came a cheesecake the size of a toddler, hovering midair, glowing with magical intent. The dolls leapt to defend it.
"Quick," Emily shouted, "we have to consume at least 75% of the cheesecake to appease them!"
"I'm lactose intolerant!" Jax cried.
"You're magically tolerant tonight!" Rafe shouted, diving in.
A frenzied cheesecake battle broke out. Forks flew. Rafe screamed, "IT'S TOO RICH!"
Emily shoved an entire wedge into Jax's mouth. "Chew and survive!"
Ten agonizing minutes later, bloated and gasping, they finished the last slice.
The dolls stopped mid-air. Then they clapped.
"You pass," said the lead doll in a squeaky voice.
"Can we go now?" Jax asked, face covered in cherry topping.
Vespera smiled. "Now you may leave."
For Real This Time: Farewells and Fanged Blessings
The group hobbled to the portal. Rafe wiped cheesecake from his boots. Emily waved goodbye, eyes bright with warmth and relief.
Vespera cupped Jax's cheek. "Stay strange, boy. She needs that."
Then to Emily: "Never dim your fire for anyone. Not even love."
With a flash of light, the trio disappeared through the portal.
Behind them, Vespera picked up a scrapbook titled: "Emily's Adventures: Dating and Dismemberment."
She smiled fondly. "Page one, complete."
To Be Continued… If the artifact lets them live long enough.