I don't know why it took me so long to realize it…But today, it finally clicked.Bryant will never like me back.
And it hurts.It hurts in a way that I don't even have the correct English to explain.
It's not just about him ignoring me. It's about the way my heart still skips when he laughs, when he stretches and his shirt lifts a little, when he borrows a pen from Ire but won't even ask me for one.
It's about how I still find myself checking the mirror before assembly hoping he notices my hair, or my earrings, or my face that I'm trying so hard to pretend I don't care about.
But the most painful part?He notices everyone else.Just not me.
And guess who made sure to remind me of that today?Ire.
During break, we were sitting under that big mango tree behind the lab, eating gala and fanta when Bryant walked past. He waved at Ire and said, "Hey pretty."
Me?I was invisible. Like one mosquito breeze.
I pretended not to care. But you see that thing when your chest starts doing gbim gbim gbim and your throat feels tight?Yeah.
Ire noticed.Of course she did.And this witch didn't even pity me.
"Oya, wipe your face," she teased, laughing. "Before your tears drop inside your gala and turn it to small chops."
😩😩😩
I smiled, but my heart was cracking.And then she dropped the final bomb.
"Amiya, see ehn… you're beautiful, you're funny, you have sense — but you're not his type. His type is light-skinned, tall, Instagram fine girl with butterfly tattoo on her shoulder. You're… you."
😭😭😭
That "you're you" stabbed my soul.
But she wasn't lying.And for once, I didn't have the strength to argue or fake confidence.
I just stared at my half-eaten gala and quietly said, "I think I'm done chasing him."
And you know what Ire said?"Good. Because it was starting to look like spiritual problem."
I laughed.But deep down, I was crying.
Because letting go isn't as easy as just saying it.It means giving up on all the imaginary conversations we never had.It means stopping myself from checking if he liked my status.It means forcing my heart to forget the way it skips when he walks into the room.
Dear Diary,Today, I decided to stop chasing Bryant.Not because I stopped liking him,but because chasing someone who's not looking back is the most painful kind of loneliness.
And if I don't stop now, I might lose myself before he even knows I exist.
– Amiya