Look, before anything else, let me just say this: if anyone blames me again for the amount of chaos we attract, I will sue. Emotionally. With tears.
Because guess what? I was gone for one day. ONE. I even left with heartfelt warnings like, "Hey guys, maybe don't set anything on fire while I'm gone," and what do I come back to? A suspiciously flammable atmosphere and Lumine doing her best impression of a disappointed older sister. Again.
So of course, I gave them an earful.
"What did I say before I left?" I asked, arms crossed like a judgmental librarian.
"…Not to cause chaos?" Paimon said, nibbling on a skewer like that made her innocent.
"Exactly! And what happened?"
"We tried not to cause chaos," Lumine muttered.
"But?"
"But chaos caused us."
You see my problem?
Anyway, after my Oscar-worthy scolding session, we went up to the Jade Chamber with Shenhe. You know, the icy beauty who looks like she could silence a whole crowd just by existing. And maybe also send them flying into a mountain.
The view from the Jade Chamber? Stunning. Fancy. Terrifying. Like being invited into someone's bank vault and realizing you're still wearing knock-off shoes.
"Wow," I whispered, looking around. "This place is so fancy I feel like I need to apologize for breathing."
Shenhe said nothing, but I think I saw her nod. That or she was suppressing the urge to punt me.
Ningguang—yes, that Ningguang—greeted us at our table. She smiled.
And I panicked internally.
"Please enjoy yourselves," she said.
Translation: One wrong move and you're going into the sea. With style.
She floated away with all the grace of someone who could crush the economy with her high heels. Meanwhile, Lumine explained to me how she and Shenhe's icy majesty how they met, how they helped her fit into human society, and how they didn't traumatize her too much in the process.
"She was a little… intense, at first," Lumine admitted.
"Like, 'I will end this conversation with a spear' intense," Paimon added cheerfully.
Shenhe, sitting beside me, blinked slowly. "...Was I that bad?"
"No, no," I said, patting her arm like a reassuring uncle, "you were just... culturally intimidating. It's a vibe."
Then, the lights dimmed, and Yun Jin took the stage. Or should I say—Zhongli and Ei's aesthetic baby, who somehow descended into the arts instead of the battlefield.
"Wow," I whispered. "She looks like a divine fashion collab."
And then she sang.
Now, listen, I didn't understand a single word of it, but I felt it, you know? Like… the way you don't get math but still cry during finals.
I stood up and clapped so hard that even Shenhe blinked in shock.
"YAAAS QUEEN!" I screamed, clapping like a seal at a concert. "SHENHE COULD NEVER! WELL, ACTUALLY, SHE COULD. BUT STILL—DESTROY ME WITH EMOTION!"
Shenhe blinked. Again. Twice in one day. I should buy a lottery ticket.
Lumine pulled me back down.
After the performance—which was apparently called The Divine Damsel of Devastation (and yeah, I still didn't get it even after the explanation)—Yun Jin actually walked over to us.
"How was it?" she asked sweetly.
"A masterpiece," I said with a bow. "My ears are blessed. My soul is healed. My comprehension? Still at zero. But vibes? Immaculate."
We spent the rest of the evening eating fancy food that I couldn't pronounce and probably shouldn't ask about. Shenhe was surprisingly chill (pun intended), and Ningguang didn't throw us out. I call that a win.
Morning came, and we walked around Liyue Harbor. Birds chirped. Paimon munched. I was busy being dramatic.
"So now that everything's settled," Paimon said, "and we know where your brother might be, where do we go next?"
I cracked my neck. Stretched my arms. Took a deep breath.
"It's time."
"For what?"
"To meet the Electro Archon with serious attitude problems and her suspiciously smug fox companion."
"Electro Archon and her pet?" Lumine asked in confusion.
"Yes. But more importantly…"
I turned to the horizon, dramatically.
"HYDRO. DADDY. KAMISATO. AYATO."
Paimon nearly choked on her snack. "The Hydro Daddy again?!"
"Respect the title," I said, holding back tears. "It's been so long… I can already feel the elegant disappointment in his voice."
Lumine blinked. "You okay?"
"No. I'm never okay. But now I'll be hydrated while not being okay. Ayato, my man, my legend, my boba-loving aesthetic overlord—he awaits."
Lumine, professional emotion suppressor, tilted her head. "But Inazuma is a closed nation, remember? How do we even get there?"
Paimon chimed in. "Yeah! Zhongli said we'd need special permission to enter legally."
I stared at them.
"Legal?"
"...Yes?"
"With us?"
Paimon squinted. "What's wrong with being legal?"
"Paimon," I said gravely. "You've known me for months. Do I strike you as someone who does things legally?"
"No."
"Exactly."
Lumine sighed. "So, what? Swim across the ocean?"
"Better," I said with a grin. "We're going to meet Captain Baddie herself."
"You mean Beidou?"
"YES. That's what I said. Obviously. Not anything else. Shut up."
Paimon squinted. "No, you said—"
"—Beidou! I said Beidou. Let's go find her. I hear she loves dramatic entrances and violating international borders, just like us!"
They both stared at me.
"Time to get pirated, I mean, escorted into Inazuma!"
Because when you want to break into a nation ruled by an emotionally repressed goddess and her fox of schemes… you start with a pirate queen.
Naturally.
***
Okay. First of all? Fuck the sea.
I said it. It's out. It's raw. It's wet. It's... unnecessarily vast.
Now, why am I screaming at a body of water, you ask? Because the Alcor, Captain Beidou's legendary pirate ship, decided to just FLOAT casually in the middle of the sea like it's the cover photo for an expensive sea cruise. And guess what? No dock.
So what did we do? We climbed the most suspiciously high cliff imaginable and stood there like three idiots about to make the dumbest decision of the week.
"Okay, so the plan is," I said, staring down at death. "We glide."
"You glide," Paimon corrected. "Paimon floats. And Lumine's used to doing this. You're the one built like a poorly balanced kite."
"Excuse you," I snapped. "I am a majestic, slightly traumatized eagle."
And then I jumped.
BIG mistake.
Somewhere between the updraft and my sudden realization that I might have skipped a wing exercise or twenty, I tilted sideways, spun mid-air, and screamed the way only a man facing watery demise could.
"LUMINE I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE SEAFOOD—"
Splash!
Yeah. Drowned. Almost. Lumine fished me out like I was a particularly dumb Magikarp. My lungs filled with saltwater. My dignity sank to the ocean floor.
But hey! We made it onto the Crux!
Soaked, humiliated, but alive.
And who do we see standing at the deck like a literal power fantasy with a wine-red coat, confidence dripping from her like sweat off a gym bro?
Captain. Freaking. Baddie.
Beidou herself.
She turned, one hand on her hip, smirking like she knew the exact effect she had on people.
"Oh? What do we have here?" she asked.
And I—clearly deranged by near-death—decided to flirt with death a second time.
"Troublemakers," I said. "That's what you have here, Captain Baddie."
She chuckled. Let me repeat that.
She. Chuckled.
It was low. Rich. The kind of laugh that could send tectonic plates into therapy. My knees? Wobbling. My heart? Betraying me. My soul? Filing a restraining order for my own good.
"Right," she said, eyes glinting. "You're the Traveler and her little gang. Ningguang mentioned you. She's rather fond of you all, actually."
Lumine smiled and accepted the compliment like a normal person.
Meanwhile, I was still having cardiac tremors from being called part of a gang by Beidou. I've peaked. It's downhill from here.
And then it happened.
This... guy—no, this aura—walks in like he's personally being escorted by the wind itself. He looks at Paimon with mild curiosity, like she's a walking space anomaly.
"Hmmm... What a fascinating being," he mused. "You three give off not only the essence of wind and earth... but also of the stars."
That voice.
That tone.
My eyes snapped open. My soul ascended.
"KAZUHA?!" I screamed. "OH MAN—FUCK YEAH—THE MIGHTIEST SUPPORT THAT HAS EVER GRACED THE GACHA UNIVERSE!"
Cue silence.
Everyone stared.
Even the birds paused.
Lumine sighed. "Ignore him. He does this. Constantly."
Beidou raised an amused eyebrow. "Seems like someone's already familiar with my temporary crew."
She nodded toward the poetic samurai. "This young man is Kaedehara Kazuha. Don't ask for the full story. You'll fall asleep halfway. Just know he speaks in flowers and air."
Kazuha bowed. "With this fine ship and soft sea breeze... would it not be romantically irresponsible of me not to acknowledge it with a line or two of poetry?"
God help me.
Before anyone could stop me, I lunged at him.
"Say this!" I begged, shoving a tiny, slightly crumpled paper into his hand.
He blinked. Unfolded it.
"'Fallen leaves... adorn my... night?'"
"UWOOOOOHHHH!!!" I screamed, spinning in place like a Beyblade of unfiltered fanboy energy. "HE SAID THE LINE!!"
More silence.
Lumine looked one headache away from pushing me back into the sea.
"Ignore him harder," she muttered.
"Working on it," Beidou deadpanned.
Anyway! Eventually, Lumine decided to be the grown-up in the room and actually talk about why we were here. Thank Archons.
She explained the whole Inazuma situation, our need to enter, yada yada divine dictatorship.
Beidou nodded. "I see. Makes sense. I could help you... but, I won't be leaving just yet. The Crux is about to host 'The Clash.'"
"The what?" I asked.
"A martial arts tournament," she said, grinning. "Vision holders can't join, so it's a fair fight."
Lumine blinked. "But... we don't have Visions."
Beidou clapped her hands. "Perfect! You're eligible."
"Hold on—" I started.
"No take-backs," she said cheerfully.
And that was it. We were now registered to fight in a tournament.
Because of course we were.
"Is there a waiver?" I asked.
"Nope."
"Health insurance?"
"Haha. No."
"Cool cool cool. Just checking."
And that's how our quest to enter Inazuma turned into a side quest called 'Punch People for Passports.'
Honestly?
Sounds about right for us.
_____________________________
End of Chapter 42
Quests Completed:
*Reach Beidou's ship in the middle of the ocean using only cliffs, gliders, and sheer dumb luck.
*Find and formally meet the legendary Captain of the Crux, also known as Captain Baddie.
*Witness Kazuha's poetic monologue without fainting, crying, or dying of cringe/fanboy overdose.
* Gain entry to the vision-less martial arts tournament. (Goku is Proud)
Rewards:
*+500 Friendship XP with Beidou
*+1 Signed Entry to the Crux Clash Tournament
*+1 Beidou Chuckle (ULTRA LEGENDARY DROP)
*+2 Broken Knees from Glide Landing
*+300 Traveler Reputation Points (Liyue Region)