Oh, if it isn't Bard Boy.
"Waddup!" I grinned, raising my cup of dandelion wine like it was the torch of divine betrayal. "Fancy seeing you here, Venti."
But deep inside? I was laughing. Not a normal laugh. I mean the kind of diabolical, hand-rubbing, villain-lair laugh. Because this was it. The moment. The trap was set, and this fluffy, wine-loving god just casually strolled into the metaphorical bear pit we covered with a picnic blanket and laced with alcohol.
He plopped down across from me and Zhongli under the big ol' tree of Windrise like it was some random wine picnic. I could see the sparkle in his eyes. Suspicious sparkle, but sparkle nonetheless.
"So," Venti hummed, swinging his legs. "What are you guys doing here?"
I leaned back, swirling my cup like some sort of drunk noble. "Oh, y'know. Talking about random stuff. Trying out contracts. World-ending deals. Classic Tuesday."
Zhongli nodded sagely, because of course he did. Dude could say "yes" and it would sound like a whole thesis.
"Indeed," Zhongli said smoothly. "Some contracts are sealed through words. Some through blood. And some... through wine."
He poured himself a glass with the kind of grace that made even grape juice look sacred, then filled mine. It was dramatic. Intentional. Sinister. Like a magic show where the rabbit's holding a knife.
Venti blinked. "Wine contracts...? That a Liyue thing?"
Suspicion. I saw it. Felt it. Smelled it, even.
But then... I activated the true weapon.
I grinned.
"Wanna join our wine-tasting club?" I asked casually, with the innocent tone of someone who'd definitely ruin your life in a legally binding way.
His eyes sparkled.
Like literal sparkles. Cartoon sparkles. Ka-ching sparkles.
"A wine club?! Why didn't you say so earlier? Count me in!"
Hook. Line. Absolute sinker.
I poured him a generous amount like the generous bastard I was, internally screaming "YOU'RE SCREWED NOW, BARD!" while smiling like your neighborhood scam artist.
We clinked glasses.
Cheers to chaos.
The first few sips were normal. Pleasant, even. He was smiling, humming, being his usual Bard Boy self. That was until Zhongli, ever the plot-thickener, dropped his first bomb.
"The Tsaritsa's motives remain... shrouded," he mused, staring into his cup like it held the secrets of Teyvat. "But it is evident she believes Celestia's order must be challenged."
"Damn, that's heavy," I muttered, taking a long sip. "I was hoping for like... ancient gossip or forbidden tea, not existential dread over wine. Like, where's the scandalous love affair between archons? Or secret meetings in Celestia's janitor closet? Not this 'down with the system' arc mid-sip, man."
I glanced at Venti, who looked like his brain just stubbed its toe.
"You okay there, Bard Boy? Need a moment? Want a juice box?"
Venti blinked. Sip. Blink again. Pause.
"...Wait," he said. "What are you guys talking about? I thought this was about wine?"
I took a long sip, leaned forward with my evilest grin.
"That's where you're wrong, Bard."
Venti stared at me.
Zhongli nodded solemnly.
"You see," I said, tapping my cup to his, "this is a wine club. But it's also a contract club. And the contract says: 'We shall discuss contracts while drinking wine.' You drank the wine, bro. Now you're in."
He blinked.
Once.
Twice.
"You guys tricked me?!"
I grinned wider. "Yes."
Zhongli added helpfully, "It is not trickery. It is... informed consent through action."
Venti slammed his forehead into the tree trunk behind him and groaned.
"I hate you both."
"Too late," I winked. "You're part of the Booze Contract now, bard boy. Buckle up."
Alright. Time for some real shit to unravel.
I pulled out an apple and a wedge of cheese from my bag like I was about to deliver the most chaotic TED Talk in history. Sliced them up nice and even, handed some to Zhongli and Venti, and then leaned back like a mafia boss ready to drop lore bombs.
"So, Bard Boy," I began, twirling a slice of apple, "remember that contract I made with Mr. Geo-Statue over here back in Liyue? Turns out it's not just about tea etiquette and standing dramatically on mountain tops. Nah, it's bigger."
Venti munched on cheese. "How big we talking?"
I pointed my cheese stick at him. "Like world-changing big. Future-shaking big. Teyvat-goes-boom kind of big."
Venti blinked. Zhongli sipped his wine. I took that as my cue.
"You see, years from now, something's coming. Something massive. We don't know exactly what, since my knowledge of the future has holes bigger than Aether's personality, but here's what we do know..."
Cue the dramatic tone. The cheese monologue begins.
"The Tsaritsa wants to gather all seven Gnosis. She's gonna march right up to Celestia and say, 'Hey, it's punching time!'" I smacked my fists together for emphasis.
"A bold move," Zhongli murmured.
"Yeah, but we don't even know if Celestia's actually the bad guy," I continued. "Like, what if they're just... dumb? Or sleeping? Or worse, bureaucratic?" I shuddered. "Anyway. That's why the contract between me and Mr. Ex-Archon here is simple: lay low, get stronger, and wait."
"Sounds vague," Venti said.
"Oh, it is," I nodded. "But listen to this. We've got two enemies: the Abyss Order, which is for sure evil, and Celestia, which is... probably evil, but we'll give 'em the benefit of the doubt until they smite someone for fun."
Zhongli nodded. "That is the nature of uncertainty."
"So the plan," I held up a finger, "is to let Tsaritsa do her whole 'Ice Queen vs Heaven' thing. If she wins? Cool. If she fails but weakens Celestia? We jump in like dramatic heroes and finish the job."
Venti narrowed his eyes. "And the Abyss?"
I grinned. "Ah yes. Them. Once I'm secured enough, once I've stopped their whole 'destroy the world for aesthetics' plan, I've got an immortal blond I swore to help—my new big brother, really—and we're gonna take those Abyss freaks down so hard they'll regret existing in two timelines."
"You adopted a blond?" Venti blinked.
"Yep. Real family drama hours."
Zhongli set down his cup. "And in exchange, I aid Shigeru until peace is attained... and he shall attempt to revive Guizhong."
Venti froze mid-sip. "Wait wait wait. You plan to bring Guizhong back?"
I shrugged, casually slicing another piece of apple. "If I can do it soon, great. If not, I might have to do something insane, like abduct a Shade of Life or whatever and break some fundamental law of the universe. Y'know, regular Monday stuff."
Venti stared. "You're terrifying."
"Thanks. I try."
Zhongli, ever the moral compass, said, "It is a dangerous goal. But Shigeru has proven time and again that danger is not something he avoids."
"You're damn right I don't." I slapped the tree trunk for emphasis, nearly spilling my wine.
Zhongli set his cup down again, this time more firmly. "Let's talk alliances. We can't do this with just the three of us," he said, his voice low and resolute, like the rumble of shifting stone. "We'll need more than just strength—we'll need strategy, trust, and the right allies."
Venti nodded. "Why not get the other Archons involved?"
I paused. Damn. The little bard had a point.
"Hmm... possible, but tricky," I said, rubbing my chin. "The Hydro Archon's just a puppet. The real powerhouse in Fontaine is the Chief Justice. Raiden Ei's on her own weird solo arc. Nahida, though... she might listen. And the Pyro Archon, Mavuika? That one's wild, but I like her already."
Zhongli nodded. "Sumeru's Archon is compassionate. She may hear our cause."
"And if we can convince Natlan's Archon, that's four Archons in. That's almost a Marvel crossover level of firepower."
Venti raised his cup. "Cheers to wild plans."
Clink.
Then Zhongli lowered his voice.
"You mentioned... sabotaging the Abyss Order's plan. May we ask what their plan is?"
I exhaled slowly.
"You sure you want to know? Once you hear it, you can't un-hear it."
Both nodded.
So I told them.
"Alright, you two, buckle in," I said, grabbing a stick and drawing nonsense diagrams in the dirt like I was about to reveal the secret to the universe. "Here's the full menu of Abyss-flavored madness we're dealing with."
I stood, apple slice in hand like it was a presentation pointer. "So first off, corrupted timelines. Like someone took Teyvat's time spaghetti and microwaved it without a cover. Sloppy, messy, and chaotic."
Venti squinted. "Microwaved... spaghetti?"
"Focus, bard boy," I snapped, then pointed to another squiggly line. "Then we've got this juicy plan to merge worlds. Yes. MERGE. Like a universal fusion dance. Except it'll probably collapse Teyvat in the process, so y'know, not ideal."
Zhongli gave a slow nod. "Troubling."
"Troubling? Try catastrophic, rock man. They're also planning to open some gnosis-powered gate—which I'm guessing leads straight to bad decisions and existential dread."
I plopped down dramatically, letting the last piece of cheese drop in my mouth. "That's the whole tragic opera. I spilled it like the wine I knocked over three minutes ago. Enjoy the trauma."
By the time I finished, both of them were dead silent.
Venti rubbed his face. "Okay. Correct me if I'm wrong—but the goal is to stop the Abyss Order, maybe take down Celestia, and ultimately give the people of Teyvat the freedom to choose their own path, right?"
I nodded. "Exactly. Peace, not order. Choice, not control. If there's something bigger out there, like external influences? We deal with that too."
Zhongli finished his wine. "Then it is decided."
"Welcome to the Dumbest Revolution Ever Planned," I said, raising my glass.
Venti groaned. "This is gonna get me smited."
I grinned. "Nah. Just mildly maimed. Maybe emotionally scarred."
Zhongli added, "But with proper preparation... there is hope."
"See? The statue agrees with me. We're good." I said and sipped some wine.
"Just out of curiosity," Venti starts, like he's about to ask me to reveal my entire backstory in a 12-page paper. "We know you're an outlander, right? I even told you that you seem like an observer. May we know who you truly are?"
I cock an eyebrow at him. "Oh, sure, for trust purposes, right? You're not gonna take me out back and roast me over an open fire afterwards, are you?"
Zhongli, the ever-so-serious rock statue, just nods like we're having tea.
"Alright, alright, my real name's Allen," I say, casually shrugging, like I'm not about to break the fourth wall or anything. "Shigeru? Eh, that's just something I use, y'know? Like how Venti is Venti and Mr. Geo Statue is Zhongli. It's like a nickname, but cooler."
Venti stares at me for a moment, processing this. Then, because he's Venti, he squints and asks, "Wait, wait, wait... so you aren't actually Shigeru? So who's Shigeru? Is it like... your alter ego?"
I wave my hand dismissively. "Nah, it's more of a... you know, just a little play. Shigeru's got style. It's not like it's my actual name or anything."
Zhongli, though, doesn't seem convinced. He strokes his chin in that overly philosophical way of his and says, "Hmm, I see. And what else? You mentioned that you could observe Teyvat. How do you do that?"
I grin. "Ah, this is where it gets fun. See, I come from another world, a place where we have this thing called games. They're like... simulations of reality. Like, you know how you have your world and all? Well, where I come from, it's like that but with... well, for lack of a better word... glitches."
Venti squints harder, the cogs in his brain clearly grinding to a halt. "Wait, wait—glitches? You mean like... anomalies?"
I nod sagely. "Yeah, exactly. Like if Celestia was a game and they patched the 'not-being-completely-evil' bug."
Zhongli raises an eyebrow, the suspicion creeping in. "And... you knew all of this? You knew what was going to happen?"
"Pretty much," I say with a shrug. "I played the game, I saw the spoilers. I know what's gonna happen here. In fact, I even have the evidence." I whip out my phone like it's the Holy Grail.
I hand it to them both. "Here. You'll see."
Zhongli takes the phone, and Venti leans in with his usual dramatic flair. But as they both look at the screen, their faces slowly turn... confused. Like, they just watched a child juggle flaming swords.
"Uhh," Zhongli mutters, his face unreadable, "If I may ask... who is this red-haired girl wearing a suggestive outfit? And... why is her feet—" He pauses, glancing at me, "—on... a sandwich?"
My stomach drops faster than my dignity at an open mic night.
Oh.
No.
Oh no.
I lunge for the phone, snatching it back like it's on fire. "You old fools—!" I stop mid-sentence, realizing exactly what I'd just handed them.
There it was. My sacred Nilou folder, exposed to the two most old beings I know. I had just handed them the wrong damn folder.
I look at them, pure murder in my eyes. "You'll forget what you just saw, right?"
Zhongli, who's totally not freaked out yet, instinctively raises his shield. Venti, ever the quick-witted bard, starts backing away like he can already feel the tension in the air.
"Uh... about that—" Venti begins, but I cut him off with a death stare.
"I swear to all things sane, you better forget what you just saw before I gather all seven elements, train until I go bald like Saitama, and punch the living daylights out of you so hard that you'll forget your own name!"
Zhongli goes stiff. "I... I have never seen anything."
Venti's nervous laughter echoes in the air. "Yeah, yeah! Totally saw nothing, right Morax?"
"Yes," Zhongli says, his voice disturbingly calm. "Barbatos is correct. We have seen nothing."
"Good. At least we're all on the same page," I mutter, breathing a sigh of relief. "But seriously, guys, forget about it. I'm begging you."
Venti raises his hands in mock surrender. "We saw nothing. Nothing at all. Now, uh, about the plan?"
I clear my throat, trying to ignore the mental image of what they just witnessed. "Right. Let's get back to business. You got any adjustments for our plan?"
Zhongli looks at Venti. Venti looks back at Zhongli. They exchange a look that says, 'I have no idea how we ended up here, but let's just go along with it.'
"The plan seems plausible," Zhongli says, his face completely deadpan.
"Yeah! Same here!" Venti adds with a grin. "Seems pretty solid, huh?"
I grin back. "Well, well. Looks like the new drinking club is officially formed. A bunch of idiots who are about to take down celestial beings and Abyss freaks. Cheers to that, I guess."
Venti raises his glass in exaggerated enthusiasm. "To saving Teyvat and hoping we don't get ourselves killed in the process!"
I raise mine too, because why not? "Cheers to that. And to never showing that folder to anyone again."
The three of us clink our glasses. The start of something chaotic.
___________________________
End of Chapter 40
Quests Completed:
*Get Zhongli and Venti into joining the "Wine Club."
*Unintentionally Reveal the Sacred Nilou folder to Zhongli and Venti.
*Drop subtle lore bombs about the Tsaritsa and the Abyss.
*Reveal your real name and origin to the Archons.
Rewards:
*+10 Teasing Points from Venti
*1 Instant Existential Panic
*+1 Confusion Debuff on All Parties
*+2 Plot Holes (to fill in later)
*-10 Dignity (Still in the negatives)
*+20 Viewer Curiosity
Achievements:
"Accidental Espionage"
-Gave away classified Teyvat files without realizing it.
"Gods Can't Handle This File"
-Shock two literal deities with something that came from the sacred folder. (Zhongli now avoids my phone. Venti wants a copy.)