I woke up to something wet on my face.
Not water. Not sweat. Not even drool.
...Well, maybe a little drool.
"Ugh... what's this...?" I muttered, blinking like a crusty-eyed sloth waking up from a year-long nap.
My vision slowly adjusted, and boom—first thing I see is Lumine and Paimon crying like I just got shot in a soap opera. Not just tears. We're talking rivers. Waterfalls. An entire hydro vision worth of liquid drama.
"Wait. Wait. Hold on. Did I die again?! This can't be happening—"
Before I could fully process my own possible ghosthood, I got full-on tackle-hugged. Lumine wrapped around me like a weighted blanket, and Paimon practically slammed into my face.
"YOU'RE AWAKE!!"
"Shigeruuu! You're okay!!"
Okay, yeah, ghosts don't usually get suffocated by hugs. So I'm alive. Great.
"I thought—I thought you were gone for good!" Lumine sniffled into my shoulder. I tried to sit up, but I swear my ribs made a sound like a rice cracker being stepped on.
"Ow, okay, okay—my internal organs still rearranging themselves, give me a sec."
I finally peeled my face off Paimon's cheek and looked around. We were under a tree, soft breeze, birds chirping like nothing just exploded twenty minutes ago.
"Alright, someone catch me up. What happened? All I remember is finding that defiled Statue of the Seven and then..." I paused. My brain flickered back to it. The shadow. The portal. The emo cloud of doom.
Lumine leaned back, brushing her tears. Her voice was gentle but firm.
"After you tried to destroy the defiled statue, Aether appeared."
I groaned. "Oh no. Not that guy again."
"He... He fought you. Again."
"And lemme guess," I said, rubbing my face. "He mopped the floor with me. Again."
They both went silent.
Silence is basically confirmation.
"Oof."
Paimon nodded solemnly. "You said something super cheesy, then you collapsed. Like, BAM. Out cold."
My hands immediately covered my face. "Noooo. Please tell me I at least looked cool while saying it. Please. I am BEGGING you."
Lumine chuckled softly. "You... actually did."
"You looked super cool, Shigeru!" Paimon added. "Like a protagonist who's too dumb to die!"
I dropped my hands dramatically. "I'll take it. Dumb but dramatic. My brand."
I sighed and leaned against the tree. The shade was nice. My everything hurt. My soul was probably halfway to Celestia before doing a U-turn.
"So... Aether went into that portal thing again?"
Lumine nodded. "Dainsleif followed him. Said something about fate and stuff again. You know him."
"Bro talks like every sentence is a prophecy," I mumbled. "One day I'm gonna ask him for directions and he's gonna say, 'The wind that howls shall reveal the path to destiny's embrace.' Like bro, just say 'left.'"
Paimon giggled.
"Well, enough moping around!" I suddenly said, trying to hype myself back up. My limbs creaked like an old chair. "I just got bodied by your emo brother, but I ain't dead yet! Time to get back to business!"
I struck a pose. The kind of pose that would've looked really cool if I wasn't wobbling like wet tofu.
"Alright! Let's head back to Liyue Harbor!" I grinned.
Lumine smiled warmly. "You sure you can walk?"
"Absolutely not. But let's pretend I can. Confidence is half the battle, right?"
Paimon floated beside me, eyes sparkling. "Shigeru, you're such an idiot."
"Thanks, Paimon. That means a lot coming from Teyvat's sassiest emergency food."
And with that, we started the trek back.
Look, I respect hardworking people and all, I really do. But the moment I saw a crowd in Liyue Harbor clumping around like a bunch of ants circling a candy drop, I already knew—this ain't it, chief. Nope. Not today.
Lumine was squinting ahead. "Is that Ningguang?"
"Yep," I muttered, dragging my feet like a guy who got sent to buy soy sauce and accidentally stumbled into a political rally. "She's probably talking about rebuilding the Jade Chamber. Again."
And lo and behold—there she was. Looking all elegant and majestic on a stage of gold, declaring the glorious rebirth of her flying feng shui mega-mansion. The crowd? Oh, they were eating that up like it's the last bowl of almond tofu in Liyue.
"We must join!" some random guy shouted. "This is our chance to curry favor with Lady Ningguang!"
Someone else nodded eagerly. "Exactly! Lend a hand, get rich—easy math!"
Pfft. Easy math? Nah. I already did my share of getting bodied and buried under rubble. What I need now is a warm bed, a foot massage, and maybe thirty hours of sleep. Minimum.
"So," I yawned. "This is interesting and all, but let's skip."
Paimon blinked. "Skip?! But this is a huge opportunity!"
"Yeah," I shrugged. "An opportunity to ruin my spine more than it already is. I already look like a half-cooked dumpling, Paimon. Give a man a break."
But jokes aside, there was something I had to do. Something that couldn't wait.
I looked at Lumine and Paimon. "Alright, I'll be going out for a bit, okay?"
"What?!" Lumine crossed her arms, frowning. "You're still weak from fighting!"
"Come on, I know that," I said, ruffling her hair—and then Paimon's for good measure. "I'm just gonna meet someone. No battles. No dramatics. Just a little adult talk."
"You? Adult talk?" Paimon said. "Paimon will only believe it when she sees it."
"Trust me," I smirked. "I'm the pinnacle of maturity. Now, don't cause problems while I'm gone, alright? Don't start fires, unleash ancient evils, or—I dunno—trigger another Cataclysm."
They both nodded solemnly. Which honestly just made me more nervous.
Still, I waved goodbye and started my stroll toward the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. The streets of Liyue buzzed with merchants and festival prep, but my goal was clear.
And then—bam. Another cutie appears!
"Yo! Zhongli's adopted daughter!" I called out with zero hesitation.
Hu Tao turned around, blinking. "Huh? Oh! It's you, Shigeru! The one Mister Zhongli keeps talking about!"
She pouted. "But I'm not his adopted daughter! I'm his boss!"
I laughed. "Right, right. Don't sweat the small stuff. Hey, where's Zhongli?"
She pointed with a grin. "Yanshang Teahouse. He's having his usual tea."
"Cool. Thanks!" I grinned. But not before doing the most sacred rite of passage—I pinched her cheek.
"Heyyy!" she pouted again.
"Can't help it," I winked. "You're too pinchable."
I waved and made my way to the teahouse, humming like a man on a mission. The scent of tea leaves hit me as I stepped inside. And there he was—the man, the myth, the living geo statute: Zhongbro himself.
He looked up and smiled faintly. "Ah, if it isn't Shigeru. Have a seat. Care for some tea?"
"Don't mind if I do!" I plopped down like a tired potato and grabbed a cup. Took a sip. Blinked. "Huh. This is... surprisingly good."
Zhongli nodded knowingly. "What brings you here today?"
I leaned back with my signature grin. "Time to talk business, my guy. Let's discuss our contract."
He set his cup down with that wise-man aura of his. "Indeed. The contract. Let us proceed. Where should we begin?"
I slammed the table lightly with enthusiasm. "By going to Mondstadt!"
He blinked, a little amused. "Mondstadt?"
"Yup," I said. "I got unfinished business there. Also, I'm bored. And there's wine. And maybe a bard. Possibly a dragon. It's the whole package."
He chuckled. "Very well. I shall make the necessary arrangements."
I grinned. "You're the best, Zhongbro. Just make sure there's a comfy bed waiting for me. I ain't walking another ten thousand li with a sprained pride and a bruised ego."
He nodded. "I understand. We'll leave immediately after this tea, then."
Perfect.
The wind rustled outside. The streets of Liyue bustled with life. But in this little teahouse, me and the ex-Geo Archon just casually planned our next chaos-filled adventure like it's just another Tuesday.
I smiled into my tea.
Mondstadt, huh?
This'll be fun.
***
Have you ever had one of those moments where you just know you're about to make someone's life significantly more complicated—but you still do it anyway because it's funny?
Yeah, welcome to my Tuesday.
We made it to Mondstadt in one piece. No sky falling. No Fatui ambushes. No giant flying serpents demanding my soul as a down payment for walking on sacred grass. Just smooth gliding, literally and metaphorically.
Zhongli, ever the gentleman, dusted his coat as he stepped onto Mondstadt's cobblestone streets. "Is there any particular reason you've brought me to this city?"
I turned to him with the smuggest grin my face could legally support. "If we're planning to lure a certain bard into a sham contract that might just melt his last three brain cells, then yes. A fine wine is the key, my friend."
He blinked. Slowly. Calmly. I think he's used to me now.
Naturally, I made a beeline for Angel's Share.
And oh-ho-hooo, was today my lucky day. The moment I pushed open the tavern door, I saw him.
Master Diluc. Crimson hair. Eternal deadpan. The man who could burn down a mansion and still look like he's just mildly inconvenienced by pollen.
"MASTER DILUC! WADDUUUP?!"
Diluc didn't even flinch. Just looked up from behind the bar with that classic 'I'm two seconds away from kicking you out' expression. "It's been a while."
My eyes sparkled. "Sooo, how's the wedding planning going?"
He paused. Briefly. Just long enough to let the air chill a bit. Then he went back to wiping his glass like he was scrubbing away my nonsense.
"We're not planning a wedding yet," he said.
Yet.
That was all I needed.
I gasped, slapped Zhongli's arm like I'd just heard Diluc was pregnant. "Yet, huh? So the chance isn't zero! That's a W in my book!"
Diluc gave me a look. The kind of look that says, "You're pushing it."
"If you're not going to buy something, I'll kick you out," he muttered.
"Ah, yes, yes, oh great wine overlord!" I raised both hands in surrender. "One bottle of your finest Dandelion Wine, please! And make it sparkle with regret and poor decision-making!"
Zhongli, bless his refined soul, nodded politely. "Dandelion wine will do. Thank you."
Diluc poured the wine without another word. I swear, the man could do his taxes while evicting spirits from Mondstadt and not spill a drop.
"By the way," I said, spinning the stool around, "this here's Zhongli. Rock daddy of Liyue. You may know him as that overly poetic consultant who talks like a contract lawyer reincarnated as a philosopher."
Zhongli bowed slightly. "A pleasure, Master Diluc."
Diluc gave a curt nod. "Likewise."
And just like that, small talk was done.
We sipped, chatted about the wine, exchanged a few pleasantries that involved me comparing Dandelion Wine to drinking nostalgia seasoned with flower petals and existential dread.
But just as we were about to leave, the tavern door creaked open.
Cue dramatic music.
There she was.
Jean. Acting Grandmaster. Captain of Responsibilities. Paladin of Paperwork.
She saw me.
Her eyes narrowed.
She sighed.
I grinned like a criminal caught in 4K. "Here comes the missus, Master Diluc. Your future wife is here!"
"We're leaving now!" I grabbed Zhongli's arm like we were escaping a tax audit.
Jean was halfway into a retort—probably something official sounding like "SHIGERU, YOU ABSOLUTE MENACE"—but we were already out the door, free as dandelion seeds on the breeze.
Once outside, I exhaled like a man who just dodged a Hydra made of responsibility.
Zhongli raised a brow. "You do enjoy provoking people, don't you?"
I smirked. "It's how I stay young. Anyway… now, how should we lure that idiot bard?"
Cue fate.
Like a perfectly-timed divine comedy, Venti just casually strolled past us. Humming. Plucking his lyre. Being obnoxiously obvious.
I knew he meant to do that.
"Maaan," I said loudly, cradling the wine bottle. "This Dandelion wine sure hits different when shared with friends, right Zhongli?"
Zhongli caught on instantly. "Indeed. It would be a shame to drink such quality alone. We should share it together."
I nodded sagely. "Riiiight! Let's share it at Windrise."
Venti twitched. Barely. But I caught it.
Bard bait: deployed.
So off we went. Straight to Windrise.
The big tree stood tall as ever, like the embodiment of serenity. I flopped onto the grass, bottle in hand. Zhongli sat down beside me like a composed statue with premium fashion sense.
And wouldn't you know it—five minutes later, someone 'accidentally' wandered by.
"Oh?" Venti's voice rang out, ever so sweetly fake. "Fancy meeting you two here! What a coincidence!"
I smirked. "All part of the plan."
Zhongli and I fist-bumped.
The hunt had begun.
_____________________________
End of Chapter 39
Quests Completed:
*Tease Diluc about his imaginary wedding until he emotionally flatlines.
*Call Jean "the missus" in public. Flee before retaliation.
*Lure an Anemo Archon with the power of friendship, deceit, and fermented grapes.
Rewards:
*1x Dandelion Wine
*+1 Charisma Point
*1x Bard Trap Contract
*+5 Evasion
New Party Unlocked: Drunk Bard x Geo Lizard x Scheming Idiot