Gu Sanqiu pressed his hands on Hu Tao's shoulders, turning her around before taking her hat and placing it on his own head. Then, he began to comb her hair.
"Are you doing spring cleaning or something? How does your hair even get this messy at home?"
"None of your business! And where's the artifact comb you promised me?"
"Oh, right. I almost forgot. Here."
Gu Sanqiu reached into his pocket, pulling out the artifact comb and handing it to her.
"It's a top-quality artifact. Every single tooth of this comb can detach to act as flying swords or needles, and the entire structure boasts excellent elemental conversion efficiency."
He paused, considering.
"Actually, if you ever get hungry in the wild, you could skewer a small animal on it, slice it up, and grill it right on the comb while sprinkling on some spices. Instant barbecue rack. Just make sure you wash it afterward."
Placing the hat back on her head, he added, "Given your habits, I have a sneaking suspicion you'd walk around reeking of roasted meat and spices."
"That's such a rude thing to say to a girl!" Hu Tao protested, baring her teeth in mock anger.
"Rude? Only if the girl in question wouldn't actually do something like that. Now, be honest with yourself—does that really not sound like something you'd do?"
Hu Tao fell silent, a mix of indignation and self-awareness rendering her speechless. She'd been sparring with Gu Sanqiu verbally since they were kids, and her record was a flawless string of losses. Every time, his jabs hit painfully close to the truth.
"Alright, I've said what I came to say."
Gu Sanqiu stood up, preparing to leave. "I'm out. Don't bother coming to my place; I won't be there for a while."
"Wait!"
Hu Tao ran over, pulling out her Staff of Homa.
"I know I can't fully unleash its power yet, but I think you'll need it."
"Nope."
Gu Sanqiu patted her shoulder reassuringly.
"Have you ever seen me do anything I'm not prepared for? I've got so many trump cards I could use them as a full set of mahjong tiles."
Huh?
Hu Tao froze, then broke into a sly grin.
For the first time ever, the illustrious Hall Master of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor had a chance to flip the script. Her lifetime losing streak in verbal sparring was about to turn around gloriously!
"Exactly—you never do anything unprepared."
She smirked, crossing her arms.
"Like back when you and Xingqiu drilled a peephole in the wall of the women's bathhouse, covered it up, and secretly sold viewing access to perverts."
"Not just sold it, either. You charged by the minute and even kept the location a secret. If anyone leaked it, you threatened to report them because you had their personal information."
"That's some next-level planning, Sanqiu!"
"Oh, and your little operation got shut down before it even started, thanks to Ningguang and Beidou. I heard that if you two hadn't accidentally caught some repeat offenders in the act, you probably wouldn't have gotten off with just a beating."
"You were just kids back then! Were you that desperate to make money?"
...
Gu Sanqiu slapped both hands over his face, squatted down, and then just lay flat on the floor.
For the first time in his life, he'd lost a verbal exchange with Hu Tao. No, this wasn't just a loss—it was a complete rout.
"Who told you about that?"
Hu Tao, triumphant, lifted her chin smugly.
"Sister Beidou. I told her I've never beaten you in an argument, and she told me this story in secret. Gotta say, you and Xingqiu were something else as kids."
Beidou?!
Gu Sanqiu's expression turned blank. For a moment, he seriously considered sinking the Alcor by drilling a hole through its hull.
"And apparently, that was just one of many ridiculous stunts. Why were you two always up to nonsense like this?"
"Well, because it was easy to set up, had no barriers to entry, and paid off really fast... Wait, no!"
He snapped back to his senses. Now wasn't the time to explain—it was time to make his escape.
"I'm leaving! Farewell! The dawn of a new era is waiting for me!"
Hu Tao rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, right. Why not just say the Qixing are waiting for you to succeed the Geo Archon's throne and lead Liyue into a new age?"
"Let's not joke about things like that."
Gu Sanqiu wiped a bit of sweat from his brow before smiling and waving at her.
"Though you've probably guessed that I'm using this as an excuse to change the subject and slip away, I'm not lying."
"I really am going to witness the dawn of a new era."
"To see it unfold with my own eyes, to keep pace with its steps—that's the only way to ensure stability for so many things."
To put it simply, while he wasn't particularly interested in the romantic escapades of the golden-haired traveler and their emergency rations companion, their movements had to be monitored.
At the very least, tracking their actions would help him predict which region they'd turn upside-down next.
Liyue didn't have paparazzi, but it did have skilled intelligence operatives. Add to that the resources of the Ten Pull Guild and allies like Kazuha and Byumu Raimei, and monitoring them wasn't an issue.
Besides, with that traveler's uncanny knack for causing chaos wherever they went, pinpointing their location hardly required much effort.
...Unless they activated a bunch of Teleport Waypoints and started hopping all over Teyvat.
"Well then, I'm definitely going to ask Sister Beidou for more stories," Hu Tao called after him, grinning. "Who knows what other ridiculous things you and Xingqiu got up to? You two could write a book: Liyue Harbor's Chronicles of Absurdity."
"No need for that, thank you."
Gu Sanqiu laughed as his figure disappeared, heading toward Mondstadt along the official route past Guili Plains and Dihua Marsh.
It wasn't that he didn't want to take a direct route—it was that a straight line would take him through Dragonspine. The mountain's notoriously hostile weather made it a no-fly zone.
Sure, the harsh conditions could be mitigated with his Geo shield, so flying straight wasn't impossible.
But honestly? He had no interest in messing with that thing—the Skyfrost Nail.
That was a relic deeply tied to high-level entities. Best to steer clear.
Then again, with the golden-haired traveler around, I could just let him trigger whatever awaits there.
Gu Sanqiu clapped his hands, satisfied.
Perfect plan. Let him take the lead.
At worst, he'd pay some Mora or jewels as compensation. If necessary, he could even bribe the traveler with a few shareable secrets.
After all, while the Archons and other major players withheld information, someone had to fill the gaps.
Uncle Gu is here to show you the ropes. Just follow me, and I'll take care of you.
Of course, as a Liyue native, he'd honor the most sacred of traditions: ensuring every deal had its fair share of give and take.
His condition? Simple.
Let the traveler's protagonist halo take the brunt of the chaos, while Gu Sanqiu reaped the benefits from the sidelines.
An absolute win-win.
Gu Sanqiu chuckled to himself as he flew onward. The script was set, and now all he needed was for the protagonist to take the stage.
---
...
Huh. You really stuck it out all the way to the end.
Didn't think you had the patience. Guess I was wrong.
WiseTL's the one who actually made all this come together. I'm just here putting a bow on it… or, well, shoving it in a backpack and calling it a day. Same thing.
If you had fun, you know what to do:
👉 [patreon.com/WiseTL]
Heads up—Patreon's 50% off for all tiers during May. So if you were on the fence? Now's the time.
And if you're the social type, there's a Discord too. Pretty decent spot to hang out—no battles required.
👉 [discord.gg/wisetl]
Alright. That's enough standing around. Go on—before you make it weird.
—Leaf