The sea's strange mist caused the Duke of Evernight's monocle to fog as he stood at the castle walls.
With a look halfway between horror and aristocratic disapproval, the Duchess fanned herself with a lace handkerchief next to him.
"My dear," the Duke murmured, "I do believe the canal is alive."
A streak of inky water whipped up the castle walls, a trail of glowing brine in its path. The Duchess sniffed.
"Disgusting. And after we just had it cleaned for the summer banquet."
The ghostly banners of Theo's haunted armor brigade flapped in the salt flavor wind as they clanked into formation below.
Sir Clanksalot's spoon-sword trembled as a barnacle-encrusted horror emerged from the surf, a thing of squirming kelp and too many eyes.
"By the Holy Broth," he muttered, "I did not sign up for this."
The Duke adjusted his necktie nervously.
"Shouldn't we help them?"
The Duchess sighed.
"Darling, we're nobility. We delegate." She snapped her fingers. A butler moves forward with a silver tray bearing a single, decorated bell. "Ring for the chef. This is a culinary problem."
In the meantime, Selphina kicked open the doors of The Salty Ladle, the dilapidated hideout of the Black Broth Brotherhood, with the elegance of a hurricane.
Behind her, Seraphina, and her crew fanned out, cutlasses sparkling.
"Gentlemen," she purred, "I hear you've been spreading rumors."
A burly broth-monger stood, knocking over his stool.
"Now, Captain, what we told them was the truth—"
THUNK.
A dagger pinned his sleeve to the table.
Selphina tilted her head.
"Did I stutter?"
Back at the castle, the Duke was having a moment. "So," he said, staring blankly at the ceiling, "my sisters—who I thought were dead— actually became pirate queens after running away from home."
The Duchess sipped her tea.
"Yes, dear. I thought you knew because of Seraphina's portraits."
"But I only knew about Seraphina's case. Selphina was never mentioned." the duke replied.
"Maybe there is another mystery to that." The duchess said while eating her slice of cake.
"And the Shadow Fleet is just… parked in our harbor now?"
"Mm-hmm."
A distant scream echoed from the docks. The Duke didn't even flinch.
"That'll be the Kraken, then."
In the war room, Dante's sentient hair had drafted its third list of demands.
First, conditioner with argan oil.
Second, formal recognition as a noble house.
Third, a coronet. For aesthetic reasons.
The Duchess raised her eyebrows.
"A coronet? For hair?"
Lucien adjusted his glasses.
"Technically, sentient noodles fall under the Lesser Edible Peerage Act of 1273."
The Duke rubbed his temples.
"Fine. Only if they pledge allegiance to the monarchy.
Dante's hair formed an intricate braided crown after vibrating in agreement.
The Duchess sighed.
"This is why we can't have nice things."
The Blackened Ladle hovered before Evangeline, whispering.
"Take out the salty. Remove the sourness. Just keep the sweet stuff.
Whiskerton's tail puffed.
"Mistress, no! That's a metaphorically terrible life choice!"
Too late. Evangeline grabbed the ladle, and the sea screamed.
Selphina grinned as she watched the Brotherhood's ship take off. The Kraken emerged, tearing the ship apart plank by plank in a playful manner.
"Please!" the leader cried. "We'll confess! We'll repent!"
Selphina turned to Seraphina.
"What's the soup equivalent of excommunication?"
Seraphina grinned.
"We boil them alive."
"Too quick." Selphina snapped her fingers.
The crew was soaked and spluttering when the Kraken spit them back onto the dock after submerging them underwater.
"There. Now you're seasoned." She turned to the guards. "Throw them in the dungeon. With the glitter."
The Duchess gasped.
"Selphina! That's cruel and unusual!"
Selphina winked. "I know."
Selphina sat in the rocking chair in the nursery while Evangeline nibbled on the hilt of her cutlass. Whiskerton watched in horror as the steel was dented by the baby's gums.
"You're encouraging her," the cat hissed.
"Damn right." Selphina threw a live crab at Evangeline. The baby squealed and bit its shell in half.
The Duchess stormed in.
"SELPHINA. We do not give infants crustacean weaponry!"
Selphina blinked. "Why not?"
Evangeline burped.
A tiny claw fell out of her mouth.
The Duchess fainted.
And somewhere, Dante's hair was now unionizing the pirate fleet, demanding dental.
The Duke poured himself a very large drink.