Over breakfast the next day, they were regaled by Hermione with the random minutia of Charms that she thought might be important. Every now and again, Hari would interject a point or two—usually about how something might not be on the exams or that it might be slightly different. It was invariably met with a sniff and a, "but we covered it in class" or "that's not how it was done in class". Hari decided to continue with his usual policy of letting her talk everyone else's ears off and stopped trying to help by cutting her off on things not part of the exam.
He felt it was an indictment of the magical world that it was so innocent or clueless about normality (non-magicality? He wasn't sure what the proper term was) that they just outright ignored solutions that didn't use magic. In this case, though, that wasn't really applicable. Of course, it said all sorts of things about their awareness of the world around them that despite all the charms on Professor Tiny's office, he had utterly failed to defend against access through the door in his ceiling behind the permanent illusion of stone. Really, it was only a thirty-foot drop to the floor, hardly something to be overlooked.
Since someone had effectively left the door open for him (not that closing and locking the door counted. Ninja) he felt it was only polite to go find out what was going to be tested. It was highly informative. There were some other . . . personal effects in the office that Hari made sure to note for later. If he ever needed something from Professor Tiny, there were all sorts of things to use. Uncle Sasori always complained when Hari didn't need to master the art of putting everything back in place to search a room. He learned it anyway, of course, because his dad said he should.
X
X
"Full marks, Mister Potter!" declared Professor Flitwick.
"But we haven't even started!" protested Hermione.
"So?"
"He isn't here!" She was nearly wailing.
"I'm not sure how that makes a difference, Miss Granger." He smiled at her. "Unless you dispute that he would manage to earn full marks . . ."
She trailed off into grumbles and was in a black mood for the rest of the period. Doubly so because she was successfully doing the classwork for the exam without a wand and that was just going to make him more convinced that he was right. As far as she was concerned, that was the last thing the school needed.
"Good work, Miss Granger!" enthused the tiny half-Goblin. "I see Mister Potter has been teaching you."
Her muttered words were the closest she'd come to cursing . . . in hours. Being around Hari somehow caused her to wish that she weren't a well-behaved young woman. More to the point, she wished she felt more at home swearing, because she believed that she would somehow feel better if she could properly vent her frustration.
X
X
"How?" she snarled in Hari's face as he tried to eat his lunch.
"Could you clarify a little?"
"To be fair," added Tracy, "the rest of us are just as lost as Hari, here."
"How does he manage to get a Professor to give him full marks for cutting the exam?"
"Talent?"
"I wish I had mastered banishing already," she spat venomously.
"Why?"
She picked up a roll and threw it at him. He ducked, earning a squawk of outrage from Crabbe when it struck him in the head. It was followed by a sound of joy as he realized there was more food on his plate and he proceeded to dig in with every sign of enjoyment and that he had forgotten the ballistic victuals.
"Oh." Hari shrugged. "You could have just told me instead of demonstrating by hitting a peer with food." His subsequent dodge of a chicken leg without looking in her direction would probably have resulted in massive points-loss and a food fight, but Goyle was so happy to see extra meat, that he didn't care about the grease smearing his hair and the house was still at zero points, so there wasn't anything that could be done. Snape couldn't even give Hari detention, as Hari was already committed to ignoring them through the end of the year.
Dumbledore rose and watched the assembled crowd. When they failed to stop their conversations, arguments, eating, petting, and so on, he raised his wand and conjured a flock of birds. Then he hit them with a booming detonation charm. The screeches and the explosion brought silence as shreds of white feathers fell on the assembled students.
"Thank you for your attention. There are some important announcements regarding the exams which are, as of yet, ongoing through the end of the week. In this case, I must report several things about the Defense exams. The first is to those students who have already taken it. I am sorry I must inform you that your grade is invalidated. Those of you who took your OWLs and NEWTs have nothing to worry about, as your marks remain in effect. That includes the two of you over there in Ravenclaw whose grades I am ashamed to admit are involved with Hogwarts. I'm talking to Miss Gray and Mister Famni. Both you would have been better served studying for your exams and less how the other looks without clothing.
"Those of you who are slated to still take your Defense exam, you will not be taking it this year. There had been some issues which came up. The first is that Professor Stutterfaces has fled the castle, pursued by the Aurors. Since this is the first time such a thing has happened, shocking as that might be to some of you, it qualifies as an 'exceptionally rare' circumstance under the Hogwarts charter and is therefore grounds for the cancelation of an exam. Miss Granger, I feel certain you will survive the lack of validation by an incompetent in one of your classes.
"That brings me to the third item. I was called away to the Ministry this morning because Cornelius Fudge is a moron. He wanted help with something or other. I think it was making sure that his new policy about the wallpaper for the Ministry was a good one. As it turns out, he didn't really need to see me. When I find out who attempted to prank me by making me think that the Minister is even stupider than he is, I will show my displeasure. While I was at the Ministry, I decided to check up on our now-absent Professor's qualifications. I was shocked to learn that the former Muggle Studies Professor lacked any formal qualification for teaching one of the central classes at this institution of magical learning.
"When the Aurors arrived to investigate, they were ambushed and are in mighty pursuit of the perpetrator who managed to clamber out the window while they were blinded. I have it on good authority that they will capture our errant Professor any moment now.
"One last announcement: those of you planning to . . . celebrate the end of exams, please make sure you are protected. If someone goes home pregnant, being expelled will be the least of the worries of the unhappy parents involved." He pointed to the bits of bird that lay on people's plates. "Good night."
X
X
The remainder of the week before the end of the year was spent normally by nearly the whole castle. Several denizens of Hogwarts expressed their displeasure at the fact that Harry Potter had apparently decided to take a vacation early and simply failed to present himself at meals for several days. During that time, he was totally absent as far as anyone could tell, since no one found him. Given that he seemed to have a more complete idea of where things were in the castle than anyone, that might not be proof, of course.
Hari turned up for breakfast the day they were being dismissed for summer vacation, engrossed in a book about Hongul. He was making notes in a decidedly not magical composition book using a disposable pen and eating by levitating the food to his mouth so he could focus on the pages. Every now and then, he would mutter something about cross-referencing something, then make some more notes.
"Where have you been?" asked Hermione (demanded might be a fairer description).
Hari's response was completely lost on them. "Oh, sorry. I've been a bit busy reading up on languages."
"Where?"
"London."
"What?"
"We're doing that again?"
"What thing?"
Hari didn't respond to her for twenty minutes. He sometimes made conversation with the rest of the group at random intervals. His joining of the interaction had no rhyme or reason and it didn't help that he was speaking in a mix of something like a dozen languages that no one at the table spoke.
Dumbledore flung a burning hex into the bacon on the head table, causing food to launch into the air and rain festive bits of scorched pork-product on everyone.
"So, it is time to end a year of studying and learning new things. I realize most of you did so with members of the opposite gender instead." He gave a half-glare around the hall. "I have no doubt that most of you are eager to leave this institution of intellectual pursuits so that you may sooner empty your heads of all thought and focus on things more important to the short-sighted minds of the very young and innocently stupid.
"Book lists will be sent out over the summer for your classes next year. Those of you taking electives need to inform Professor McGonagall prior to your exit from the castle today. Some of you will no doubt take that as only a suggestion. If you fail to select your classes before leaving, you will not have electives next year, your teachers will assign you extra work as a result, and if you decide to join electives the following year, you will be joining a class of students younger than you. Make of that what you will." He paused and twinkled at everyone.
"The House Elves have packed your things and loaded them onto the Express. As such, you are all free to go. A word of warning: after several incidents in which students were left behind by the train, we are instituting a new policy. Namely: alerting you to the fact that the train leaves promptly in one hour, at which time it will be your problem to return home." Several students rose and were nearly at the door when Dumbledore spoke again. "I probably should award the House Cup, but if you people missed the red and gold papering the walls, then I see no reason to bother your overtaxed brains now. But with that in mind, I need to make a few announcements. Please return to your seats. Thank you.
"The announcement I truly wish to make is to laud Hari Potter as the first student to ever receive, across the board, straight O pluses!" He began to clap and found that no one was joining in. He looked over at the other faculty. "Is there something wrong?"
"I didn't give him an O plus," said Flitwick.
"Nor I," added Sprout.
"I failed him for not even taking the exam!" growled Snape.
"All the more impressive feat, then." Dumbledore twinkled some more.
"Albus," snapped McGonagall, "there is no such grade as 'O plus'."
"Which only makes it a far greater achievement than I had hitherto believed." He turned back to the students. "And so with the knowledge that someone has better grades than all of you, you are dismissed. You have just over fifty-five minutes to be on board the train. Good day."
Hari ducked another thrown item of food as Hermione began to rant. He tuned most of it out, since it seemed to be repeating itself and generally was a made of variants of "how?" which he got tired of quickly. Draco Malfoy was reduced to a whimpering wreck as his raw skin and recently-grafted cauldron-grown flesh was pelted with a steady stream of foodstuffs while his ears, just healed from their damage in the conflagration, were subjected to a sonic barrage. Up at the high table, Snape sighed and shook his head, already anticipating yet another angry letter from Lucius Malfoy.
The man was mostly annoyed at the cost of repairing the family scion, since Hogwarts was a learning experience, and part of that was learning how not to shoot oneself in the foot. But regrowing thirty percent of his son's flesh, a pair of lungs, and almost all his skin was well outside what Hogwarts was willing to subsidize when the parent of the idiot in question could afford to buy the treatments.
It was part of how the school managed to pay for medical treatment of those less fortunate: when a student with a rich family was badly injured—which was practically a guarantee at Hogwarts—not only was treatment not given away, but there was a substantial charge attached to the cost as well. Since Hogwarts policy said that a student couldn't be removed from the school unless the mediwitch on premises was actually unable to cure the condition (and even then, the list of clauses countering that option essentially forbade it) parents were forced to part with hefty piles of gold to have minor ailments cured. Worse conditions could do a great deal of damage to a financially independent family. Those with multiple idiot-spawn had been known to be rendered impoverished over the course of a year, spent in one fell swoop before their lessened funds could absolve them of their payments. The bill could, on occasion, grow to such a size that there was no way to pay it off, at which point the debtors were required to render their families unto Hogwarts, the family becoming indentured servants in perpetuity. At the moment, there was but a single relic of this policy: one Argus Filch.
The elderly caretaker was the last in a line that had spent several generations in servitude to Hogwarts after an especially large bill. Despite his grouchy behavior, he was actually quite glad of his position in life. That is to say that if he had been born outside of the condition of being bound to Hogwarts, his family would have drowned him for his lack of functional magic. Instead, he got to live in a huge castle, room, board, his cat, and to threaten little children with whatever horrible punishments he thought would be funny to see them go all wide-eyed about. The hardest part of his job was keeping track of just what the little devils were using to make trouble because he was in charge of keeping the list of forbidden items and had been told that "everything" was not a valid list.
Filch's was the last family to attempt an evasion of a bill to Hogwarts. The Headmaster of the castle was generally a very canny old witch or wizard with a healthy dose of cunning and a certain mercenary streak. Also, they could, to a one, hold a grudge. In the case of the most recent attempt, the family had disowned their idiot son. The school, of course, paid his medical bills (which were excessive). When the family 'reowned' him following his graduation, the Headmaster of the time had shown up within minutes at Gringotts with a roll of parchment.
"Since the scion of the house has been returned to the family, they now must pay his outstanding bills," had said the man. He smiled. "And I feel compelled to mention that there is an additional 'trying to fuck with me' fee that beggars belief. I highly doubt anyone has sufficient funds to pay it alone. Oh, and there's compound interest. Let us say seventeen percent per day. That sounds about right. Now get those sons of bitches down here to sign some slave contracts before I get annoyed in this nice, stable bank."
X
X
"You heard Professor McGonagall!" Hermione was grousing as Hari looked up from the book he had been pretending to read (he'd been reading the one in his bag). "There is no such grade as 'O plus', so how did Hari get them?"
"Talent?" he interjected.
Blaise had an arm around Hermione's shoulder and was trying valiantly to calm her down, but she had a full head of steam going. "And you didn't even show up to several exams! How did you not fail them?"
"Even more talent? Truly, I am simply more skilled than you." He lay back and the large copy of Hogwarts: A History slammed into the wall of the compartment then sat up quickly and it fell onto the seat behind him.
"To be fair," said Daphne. "Are you really all that surprised? I mean really?"
"No! And that makes it worse!"
"There's just no pleasing you, is there?" snapped Pansy.
"What?"
"Oh, you're doing that again," said Hari.
"I mean that you're not happy that Hari did something you expected of him, or at least don't find shocking. You've been in closer proximity to him than anyone for the better part of eight months and you're still getting upset." Pansy shrugged. "I think the rest of us just decided not to worry ourselves if the universe is collapsing around us."
"Speaking of which," said Hari. "Do you want to borrow my books over the summer?"
"What?"
"I'm going to pretend that's a yes." Hari lay back and dozed lightly until they pulled into King's Cross.
X
X
"See you guys in a couple months. I have to go home and see if my Uncle managed to kill my Uncle or not." He waved. "Bye now."
He slipped out of King's Cross and headed for Diagon Alley, where he met up with a glowering Severus Snape.
"Why couldn't I give you your portkey at the castle instead of waiting here for you?"
"No idea, Professor. I guess I'm supposed to get something out of riding the train?"
"Hn."
"Hey! You sound like my dad!"
"WHAT?"
"Bye, Professor." Hari vanished.
(A/N John)
Finally, the year is over. Forty-six thousand words into a story I expected to be maybe ten-thousand total. Yeah.
(A/N 2 John)
Those of you who are wondering: no, Stutterfaces did not attack Aurors. He was sitting in the room where Dumbledore wanted him to be interrogated at his leisure. But he couldn't tell anyone that. So he set up a trap and yelled "He went that way!" while they were blinded.