It was a peaceful morning. For once. The birds were chirping, Juno was meditating with an open can of corn, and nobody was on fire—yet.
Father Asher had just declared it "Divine Grocery Day," which meant the Communion was heading out to restock on communion wine, instant noodles, and duct tape (because Flint kept blowing up the toaster during spiritual awakenings).
So the gang piled into their crusty old van—the Blessed Bitchmobile, as Spillglass called it—and rolled up to a corner Lawson convenience store. Right in downtown Tokyo. Right next to three Jujutsu tech surveillance wards.
They were not supposed to be there.
Inside the store, everything looked normal... except for the weird smell, the flickering lights, and the fact that the Slurpee machine was whispering in Latin.
"Why is it so cold in here?" Marrow whispered.
"It's a convenience store," said Thorne, grabbing six cans of grape chu-hi. "You're not supposed to feel emotions in here."
Juno stood still. "The milk... is screaming."
Asher raised a finger. "Communion protocol: If a dairy product is cursed, we drink it before it drinks us."
"THAT IS NOT A PROTOCOL," Marrow snapped.
But it was too late.
Spillglass wandered to the hot food counter and tried to grab a pork bun. The bun twitched.
He paused. "Yo. This snack just growled at me."
Suddenly, the entire display case erupted, launching flaming mochi and cursed steam into the air. A spectral, sticky curse shot out of the food warmer—twisted, gelatinous, and covered in sauce packets like armor.
Its voice echoed like a haunted microwave:
"I AM KELVIN. FORMER BREAKROOM DEMON OF THE SEVEN-ELEVEN WAR. YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR IGNORANCE."
The automatic door locked.
"EVERYONE TO BATTLE STATIONS!" Father Asher screamed, leaping onto the cashier counter and blowing his chalice like a war horn.
Marrow grabbed a metal broom and dual-wielded it with her meat tenderizer.Thorne tied two churros to his hands like holy brass knuckles.Juno reached into the freezer and pulled out a frozen cursed fish that she claimed "knew too much."Spillglass? He opened a beer and threw it like a grenade.
Kelvin spun midair, launching cursed hotdog missiles.One embedded in the floor and sizzled out Morse code: "GET OUT."
He grabbed a sushi tray and used it like a cursed yo-yo, trapping Marrow inside the onigiri display. She started punching her way out while cursing in Latin and Tagalog.
Flint grabbed the Slurpee machine and yelled, "NOW YOU'RE ICE COLD, MOTHERF—" before slipping and knocking over a shelf of cursed toothpaste. The mint hit the demon. It screamed in pain.
"IT'S TOO FRESH!!"
Father Asher raised a holy Pringles can and screamed, "FOR THE BLOOD OF THE SAINTLY SALT!"He hurled it like a grenade. The cursed lid exploded, showering Kelvin with crumbs and shame.
Yuji, Nobara, and Megumi—who were just stopping by for energy drinks and trauma naps—burst in through the shattered glass door.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Megumi shouted.
"EXORCISM!" Asher yelled, now wearing a bag of chips as a hat.
"WITH WHAT?!"
"FAITH, CALORIES, AND WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS!"He pulled out a can of Mayo-Flavored Red Bull and chugged it mid-battle.
Kelvin lunged, going in for a finishing screech—but Spillglass lit a cigarette, used the ember to ignite a trail of spilled ramen broth, and kicked over a shelf of lighter fluid.
The explosion knocked over a rack of limited-edition prayer snacks (cursed but delicious). As they crumbled, Juno stepped forward, eyes glowing white, possessed by divine retail rage.
She reached down, picked up a cursed rice ball, and whispered, "Return to shelf, foul being."
And threw it. Right into Kelvin's core.
Direct hit.
Kelvin screamed, disintegrated, and burst into confetti.The lights flickered back to normal.
(Don't ask how, if it works don't fix it)
The alarm blared. The freezer defrosted. The self-checkout beeped randomly. The manager came out from the backroom, saw the mess, stared at Gojo who'd just shown up with a smoothie, and sighed.
"Jujutsu High?"
Gojo shrugged. "They're not ours."
Asher, arms raised in victory, shouted, "BLESSED BE THIS HOUSE OF SNACKS!"
"EVERYONE OUT BEFORE WE GET CHARGED!" Megumi barked.
The Communion ran.
Yuji stood dumbfounded, holding a flaming bag of cursed potato chips. Literally. Flint probably. "They really did all that… for snacks?"
"Not for snacks," said Father Asher."For salvation."
Father Asher was about to struck a cool pose and conduct a sermon right then and there not before getting violently yoinked into the van by Sister Marrow.
The van drove off into the Tokyo sunset, leaving behind a broken fridge, a confused curse manager, and three witnesses questioning their life choices.