** The Coronation No One Asked For**
Dave, a man who'd once mistaken rat poison for paprika, awoke to rats bowing before him. "All hail the Chosen One!" squeaked a rat in a tiny crown. Dave, still hungover, shrugged. "Do I get a scepter?" "No," said the rat. "But you *do* get unlimited moldy bread." **Power corrupts.**
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**A Vision of Impending Doom**
Dave hallucinated (or *prophesied?*) a giant cat named **Lord Whiskerface** devouring the world. The rats gasped. "We're doomed!" "Nonsense," said Dave. "I'll defeat him… after a nap." **The clock was ticking.**
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**The Rat Army's Terrible Parade**
Dave's "army" was 17 rats, one of whom was just a sock puppet. They marched into a wall. Twice. **Morale was low.**
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**The Spy Who Squeaked Too Much**
A rat infiltrated Lord Whiskerface's lair but was distracted by cheese. He returned, chewing. "Mission… *crunch*… accomplished?" **Intel was dubious.**
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**Dave's Weapon of Mass Distraction**
Dave crafted a "cat trap" (a box labeled "Free Lasagna"). Whiskerface stepped over it. **Plan B: Panic.**
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**The Great Cheese Heist**
Dave stole Whiskerface's cheese stash. The cat roared, "YOU MONSTER!" **War had begun.**
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**The Battle of Trash Can Hill**
Dave's army flung bottle caps. Whiskerface napped through it. **A draw? Maybe?**
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**Dave's Secret Weapon: Bad Jokes**
"Why did the cat sit on the computer?" Dave yelled. "To keep an eye on the *mouse*!" Whiskerface groaned and fled. **Victory!**
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**A Hero's Welcome (Sort Of)**
Rats threw Dave a party. The "cake" was a gum wrapper. **He cried a little.**
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**Ascension to Rat Heaven**
Dave, now divine, floated upward. "Wait," he said. "Do they have Wi-Fi?" **The rats lied.**
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**Waking Up in a Dunghill**
Dave blinked. No crown. No rats. Just a goat chewing his hair. **Had it all been a dream?**
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**Acceptance (And a Side Gig)**
Dave returned to his accounting job but ruled the office rats **every lunch break**. **Happily ever after (from 12–1 PM).**
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**The End.** *(Or is it? The rats are watching…)*
Dave noticed his lunch sandwiches kept disappearing. The office rats had instituted a "cheese tax" in his honor. His boss blamed HR. **The bureaucracy was real.**
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**The Rise of the Squirrel Mafia**
A gang of squirrels, jealous of Dave's rat empire, declared war. Their demands? **More acorns, fewer dad jokes.** Negotiations broke down immediately.
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** Dave's Ill-Fated Alliance with Pigeons**
The pigeons offered air support in exchange for breadcrumbs. They immediately betrayed him, dropping stale bagels on his head. **Lesson learned: Never trust birds.**
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**The Great Office Escape**
Trapped in a meeting about "synergistic paradigms," Dave sent a rat army to chew through the projector cord. **"Technical difficulties" saved the day.**
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**The Return of Lord Whiskerface (Again)**
The cat came back, now wearing a tiny suit. "I'm a *businessman* now," he hissed. Dave countered with **a PowerPoint on why naps are better.**
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** The Rat King's Midlife Crisis**
Dave bought a tiny motorcycle for the rats. They immediately crashed into a recycling bin. **His reign was being questioned.**
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**The Final Battle (Over Leftovers)**
Whiskerface and Dave dueled in the break room over the last microwave burrito. **The janitor ended it with a mop.**
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**The Eternal Nap**
Dave dozed off at his desk, dreaming of rat kingdoms, pigeon wars, and cheese-based economies. When he woke up, a single rat saluted him. **"Same time tomorrow, boss?"**
**THE END.** *(Until the coffee runs out.)*