The voices of my past began speaking, i could see them and feel them. It felt as if a thread left long in my injured heart was being pulled slowly and painfully.
I couldn't hold on anymore but it felt as if something was holding me back to watch, to relive it and to listen.
The moment i got lose from this force, I opened my eyes and found myself in the hotel room, on th bed. Hand on my chest as i took a deep breathe.
Temi... i thought to myself. Every feeling came anew. I couldn't hold back the tears. i sniffled and wiped my tears. I looked around, it was still dark.
The room door opened and I quickly wiped off my tears. Levi enters taking off his tie. He notices my eyes.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yes... i just got something in my eyes."
"Let me see..." he approached me and tried to check my eyes. He notices my nose is moist and both eyes maybe red? but he knew nothing got into my eyes.
"What's wrong with you Cynthia," he asks, "This is not the first time you're doing this and you don't tell me."
"I'm okay, i okay," i replied.
I was tired of saying "i'm okay," buy what could i do? I couldn't go telling him everything about me. I was doing good without telling him, home is healthy, our child is getting the best parenting and were living a normal good life.
"Are you pregnant?"
"No," i replied repulsively like it was a sin to be.
"You don't have to... Tell me love." he sat next to me, "Tell me," he repeated.
My mouth opened and went shut, now they start to vibrate, and the tears out again.
"i just want you to hold me," i said trying to swallow my tears.
"it's okay, i'll do just that," he said. We both laid down and both cuddled. He wrapped his hand around me from behind, his strong chest and abdomen pressing against my back.
I couldn't see his face, and he couldn't see mine. I continue crying in silence in such a way he could feel my chest pulsating.
I just wanted to dismiss his questions but i had him hold me down. What seemed like a calm embarace to him was a cage for me. I just wanted to be alone. I didn't know if being alone was bad for me, but that was what i had. That's what i could do.
Slowly, i began to lose grip of conciousness and went into a deep slumber. Calm for a split second that was inbetween that night and the next day.
The next day, I woke up. The lights from the window stroke my eyes - i shut them quickly and opened again. I looked down and found myself not in the dress i was wearing when i fell asleep. I was in my pajamas. I looked to my side and found a tray of covered food and a note beside it. A love drawn on the note.
I took the note and opened it. Nothing written. "Love," i said to my self, "I love you" is what he meant.
i opended the food that was definitely not made by him, opended it and the aroma blew me back for a second. I couldn't hold back. i took theplate of food, sat properly, kept the plate inbetween my legs. Yes! in between my legs. On the bed though!
I took the spoon and fetched the food, savpured every flavour. As i ate, i thought.
Levi will always do this kind of things for me. Yes, but most of the time he did it was when he had done something wrong and tried to make amends.
i slowed down my eating and wondered to myself what exactly he did that he hadn't told me. Or hiding perhap - suddenly i slapped myself out of it... Metaphorically please.
Why would think of a simple kind act from my husband as a coping mechanism for his guilt.
Suddenly, yes! It could be a coping mechanism for his guilt - i thought to myself. What exactly? i looked around... The perfume.
i quickly dropped down from the bed and went to the wardrobe. I searched through and found the suit he wore last night, sniffed it to comfirm if it was it.
i then checked through his perfumes. Checking each one and trying to match them, but none was smelling the same as the one on the suit. After checking all the perfumes, i took a while thiking about what this could mean apart from what i had in my mind.
He time interval between when we were not together and when we were was too short for whever it was that had the perfume to be ouside the hotel. The person who owned the perfume was inside the hotel. Or was.
"Cynthia, what are you doing?"
i turned quickly and found Levi staring at me with a flower bouquet in his hand. His shoulder drops after seeing me with his suit.
"What's this? is it the perfume?"
I froze, heavily ashamed of myself. He knew what i was doing, what could i do? lie? No. Say i'm sorry? I felt stupid right that moment.
" I asked you but you dismissed my question."
"Why did you even think it won't be mine?" He says with that soft tone that always made me feel like i was the wrong one.
"because you don't use thsose kinds of perfumes"
"because i don't use them doesn't mean i won't try. Come on Cynthia."
We both stared at eachother for a short while. I had the habit of looking at him almost non - blinking.
"Okay, what did you find out?" He questioned, his eyes squinted.
"This is a woman's perfume," i replied, betraying my guilt and trying to get the best of an answer I can get from him.
He shakes his head and heads to one of the couches in the room where a small pouch sat. He opened the pouch and brought out a perfume. Pink label, new.
He shows it to me, stretches his hand to give me. i hesitated to take it and he pushes forward to make me hold it but it slipped and shattered on the floor. The fragrance hits my sinuses like a huge blow to the face. It was a blow to the face.
He looks around in disappointement, hands on his hips.
"A vendor came into the hotel with a collection of the perfumes, i thought you'd like it when i tested it on my dress."
i stood there and did nothing at first. The perfume liquid slowly drying up and the glasses shimmering on the tiles.
i opened my mouth to spea but only short sounds emmited, "I'm going back to work," he gently kept the bouquet on the bed and walked off, out of th hotel room.
"shit," i whispered to myself, bent down and gathered the glasses together - the cold frangrant residues allover my hands.
"What have i done?" i said to myself as i walks up to the bed. I raised the bouquet of flower and sniffed it. I couldn't differenciate between the frangrance of te flower and the perfume.
"What do i do?" I questioned myself.
Today was supposed to be the day when we'd have conversations with guests. I was supposed to be there.
I went to the bathroom, too my bath, wore my dress and before i headed to the door, i walked up to the shattered glasses, picked the biggest piece and rubbed it over my dress.
It took me time to open the door. i was thinking what could i do when i get down there and finally... Go down there, ignore Levi, talk to people, make his work easier, come back upstairs and wait to apologize to him. I opened the door and walked out.