The courtroom smelled like cold paper and judgment
I sat there, staring straight ahead, like I didn't even see him
But I saw him
Rafael
Five years
Five years and not a word
And now he shows up in court like nothing happened
The judge was talking
I didn't hear a damn thing
My hands were clenched on my lap
My whole body stiff
Like letting go would make everything fall apart
Rafael sat three chairs away
Didn't look at me
Didn't speak
Just sat there like some fucking ghost
He used to be everything
Now I don't even want to breathe the same air
After court, I walked fast
Didn't want him to follow
Didn't want to give him a chance
But of course
He did
Outside the building
He grabbed my arm
Soft
But I yanked it back
"Don't," I said
He looked older
Tired maybe
But still had that same voice
The one that used to make me say yes too easily
"I didn't know you'd be here," he said
I laughed
Dry
Mean
"That makes it worse"
"I didn't come for you," he said
"Oh, so this is just a coincidence?"
I crossed my arms
"Five years, Rafael
No calls
No messages
No funeral card
You left me like I was nothing"
"I had to leave," he said
"No, you chose to leave"
I stepped closer
"You didn't even look back"
"I was protecting you"
I almost hit him
Almost
But instead I leaned in
Real close
"You don't get to say that"
"Not now
Not after five fucking years"
He didn't move
Didn't blink
He took something out of his coat
An envelope
"This is for you"
I didn't take it
Just stared
"What is it?"
"A letter
From my sister
She passed away last year"
That stopped me
His sister
Luna
She used to send me stupid cat stickers every Sunday
I grabbed the envelope
Held it
Didn't open it
"You should've told me"
"I didn't know how"
I nodded
Once
Then turned and walked away
I didn't cry
Not there
Not in front of him
But when I got home
I sat on the floor
Opened the envelope
And everything came rushing back
Her handwriting
Her stupid jokes
And at the bottom, one line that broke me
"Don't hate him too much
He was dying too
Just in silence"
I dropped the letter
And I hated her for making me feel something again
---
The courtroom was too cold
Like grief in a freezer
Too clean
Like they were trying to bleach out all the ugly truths we dragged in with us
I saw him before I even sat down
Didn't have to turn my head
My skin knew
My stomach knew
The air shifted
Rafael
He looked like time hadn't touched him
Not enough anyway
Just enough to make me remember how he used to smile before ruining everything
Five fucking years
Five years of silence
No calls
No messages
No body
No closure
And now he walks in like we're on the same page
Like we're just characters in the same chapter
Like I hadn't burned the whole damn book
---
I sat three seats away
My body locked tight
Arms folded
Back straight
Hands clenched in my lap like if I moved, I'd shatter
The judge was speaking
I didn't hear a word
Sound felt like it came from underwater
Distant
Unimportant
All I could feel was the weight of him
Sitting there
Breathing my oxygen
Acting like a father
Pretending like he belonged
---
After court I moved fast
Didn't give him a second
Didn't give myself the chance to break
But of course
He followed
I made it out the door before he called out
"Wait—"
He grabbed my arm
Soft
But I ripped it away like his touch burned
"Don't touch me," I snapped
My voice cracked but I didn't let it show
I'd rather choke than let him hear weakness
---
He looked older
But not wrecked enough
He still had that same voice
Low
Familiar
Dangerous
"I didn't know you'd be here"
I laughed
Sharp and bitter
"That's your opening line? 'I didn't know'? You didn't know a lot of things, Rafael"
He stayed still
Didn't flinch
Didn't defend
"I didn't come to hurt you"
I stepped closer
Low voice
Eyes locked on his like a blade on soft skin
"No? You just came to reopen everything? You disappeared Ghosted Vanished like I was nothing Like we were nothing And now what—you're here for what? A legal update? A court stamp?"
---
"I had to leave," he said
Soft
Like a prayer
"No. You chose to leave"
I pointed at my chest
"You left me with her funeral With her debt With a baby I didn't even know how to feed"
He looked away
Coward
"You could've sent a text," I said
"Just one fucking word
Anything But you didn't even do that"
He stayed silent
So I kept going
"Do you know what it's like
Watching your phone at 2AM
Begging it to light up
Just once? Do you know what it's like holding your own goddamn hand while you bleed out what's left of your hope?"
---
He reached into his coat
Pulled out an envelope
"This is from Luna," he said
His voice cracked on her name
I froze
"What?"
"She died last year," he said
"Cancer. It happened fast"
I stared
Heart cracking
Luna
His sister
The only person who kept sending me dumb memes and emojis even when I stopped replying
The only one who didn't pretend everything was fine
"She didn't tell me," I whispered
"She tried," he said
"She didn't know how either"
I snatched the envelope
Fingers shaking
"I should've been there," I muttered
"I should've been there for her
Not for you
For her"
---
He stepped back
Didn't say another word
Smart move
I turned
Walked
Didn't look back
Didn't want him to see the crack forming in the corners of my mouth
Didn't want to give him the satisfaction
---
At home
I locked the door
Kicked off my shoes
Dropped the letter on the table and just stared at it
The silence was loud
Too fucking loud
I opened it like it might bite me
Her handwriting hit me like a punch
So familiar
So alive
She talked about missing me
Worried about me
Told me to stop closing my heart off
To stop being angry at everyone
To stop punishing myself for someone else's cowardice
And then
At the bottom
> Don't hate him too much
He was dying too
Just in silence
I froze
Felt something split inside my chest
It wasn't forgiveness
Not even close
But it was something worse
Doubt
Because maybe she was right
Maybe he wasn't just a bastard
Maybe he was a broken one
But I didn't want to believe that
I wanted to keep hating him
It was cleaner
Easier
So I folded the letter
Pushed it back into the envelope
And whispered
"Fuck you, Luna
You don't get to make me feel this"
---
I didn't cry
I didn't scream
I just sat there
On the cold kitchen floor
And let silence win again
---
I didn't sleep that night
Didn't even try
I just sat there on the kitchen floor
Staring at the fridge like it might answer something
The letter was on the counter
Half-crumpled
I kept looking at it like it owed me more
Don't hate him too much
He was dying too
Just in silence
I wanted to scream
I wanted to punch a hole in the wall
But what's the point
No one would hear it
And even if they did, they'd just call it drama
---
Around 3AM
I finally stood up
Walked to the bathroom
Looked in the mirror
I looked like someone who'd been left too many times
Not tragic
Just used
Like a rented space someone forgot to clean up after
---
I thought about calling someone
Anyone
But there was no one
Not really
Everyone I used to talk to
Got tired of waiting for me to get better
They stopped asking
Stopped checking
And I didn't blame them
It's exhausting trying to pull someone out of a hole when they keep digging deeper
---
I picked up my phone
Typed Rafael's name
Stared at it
Then I typed:
> "You don't get to come back and break me twice"
But I didn't send it
What's the point
He probably thinks walking into that courtroom was some noble act
Like he showed up
So that makes it okay
---
I got in the shower
Hot water full blast
Hoping it would burn the memory off my skin
His voice
His eyes
The envelope
Her words
But it didn't
It never does
All it did was make me cry harder
Because the sound of the water was loud enough to hide it
---
By the time the sun came up
I'd made coffee
Black
No sugar
Didn't deserve sweetness
I lit a cigarette
Even though I quit last year
Fuck it
Some mornings aren't made for rules
---
Then
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse
My phone lit up
Unknown number
I let it ring
Didn't answer
Then it rang again
And again
Third time
I picked up
"Hello?"
Silence
Then—
"It's me," he said
His voice
Same tone
Same ghost I tried to kill last night
I didn't say anything
"I'm sorry I showed up like that"
I still didn't speak
Let him talk
Let him sink
"I didn't know about Luna's letter until after the hearing She wanted me to give it to you months ago
I didn't have the balls"
I leaned against the kitchen counter
Closed my eyes
Let the silence stretch
"You left," I said finally
Flat voice
"No one made you do that"
"I know"
"I stopped waiting a long time ago"
"I didn't expect forgiveness"
"Good," I snapped
"Because you're not getting it"
More silence
Then he asked the one thing that made me want to throw my phone
"How's he doing?"
I almost dropped it
"How's who?"
"Leo," he said
His voice broke on the name
Like he didn't have the right to say it
"You don't get to ask about him," I hissed
"Don't you fucking dare"
"I just... I need to know if he's okay"
I hung up
Threw the phone across the room
---
Leo
My son
His son
The one he never met
The one I raised without his help
Without his name
He didn't even know what his laugh sounds like
Or how he hates carrots
Or how he cries in his sleep when the thunder's loud
---
I stared at the broken phone on the floor
Breathing hard
He doesn't get to ask about Leo
Not now
Not ever
But still
In my chest
Something shifted
Not forgiveness
But something uglier
Memory
---
And memory is the kind of poison that never really fades
It just waits
And tonight
It started bleeding again
---