What have I done?
The question echoed in my mind louder than the music from the live artist's performance. My lips still tingled where Adrian's had been, and yet my stomach twisted like I'd swallowed fire. I couldn't help it when I ran. It was the only thing I could think of.
I stopped, my feet coming to a sudden halt. I turned, and Adrian was still where we had just kissed. His face filled with shock as he looked at me, stunned. I walked back, slowly, my steps measured.
Adrian's dark brows were furrowed, his breath uneven like mine. He didn't say anything, maybe he couldn't, or he wouldn't.
I stepped closer. The weight of what happened crashed over me, drowning me in a wave of panic.
"We shouldn't have done that," I whispered, backing away like the distance could erase it.
His eyes searched mine, but I couldn't meet them, and suddenly I was pulled, gently.
"Kim—"
"I'm sorry," I said, more to myself than to him. "It was a mistake."
Adrian ran a hand through his hair, stepping toward me. "Kim, wait—"
"No," I cut in again, forcing my voice steady. "We pretend it didn't happen. You go back to your table, and you look at Gen the way you've always done. Like you never even saw me."
His jaw clenched. "I can't do that. I'm sorry, I can't."
"You must."
"But I can't, and I won't," he smiled. "Kim. That kiss was the best thing that's happened this evening, and the person I just kissed was more than an angel. A wish comes true. I can't ever pretend like that didn't happen. I'm sorry, but I can't forget it."
I turned, my arms folded. Adrian walked closer to me, his hands on my shoulder, rubbing me softly.
"You don't have to hold yourself back from this. I know you want this more than I do," he chuckled. "I could feel it from the way you kissed me back."
"I don't know what you're talking about. That was my first kiss," I said as I turned to face him.
He raised both his hands up as a sign of surrender. "Alright, if you say so."
"Yeah.'
His hands were now in his pockets. "Well, it certainly won't be the last. That I assure you."
"What are you assuring her?" Gen's voice cut in.
Her sudden appearance behind me causes me to freeze.
"It's an inside joke," Adrian said as he smiled and walked past me.
"An inside joke? Adrian?" Gen called, but Adrian didn't answer. "Kim?"
"Yes, Gen," I answered, slowly turning towards her.
"What's going on?" she asked.
"Nothing," I answered, my voice shaky.
"Are you okay?" she asked again. "Your dress is messed up, Kim. Are you sure you're okay?
"Yes, I'm fine," I answered again, my voice steady this time. "And the dress is fine. Besides, no one will notice the stain this late."
She sighed. "Mum and Dad sent me to look for you. I don't know why you snuck out after your performance, are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes. I just needed a time alone from the crowd and noise," I answered.
"An alone time with Adrian?" she asked almost sarcastically.
"He interrupted it just like you did," I answered before storming out.
"I was just teasing you," she said.
I returned to my family table. There sat Mum and Dad, my Grandparents, Gen and Adrian. The only seat left was in-between my grandma and Adrian, but no matter how hard I tried to look away from him, I couldn't.
"Kim, darling," Mum called as I sat down beside Adrian. "Where were you?"
"I was just on the other side," I pointed at the other side of the garden. "I needed some time alone."
"You were marvelous, darling," Grandma said, patting my hand. "You always make the piano sound like it's speaking."
"Thank you," I murmured, heart still steadying.
Adrian's posture beside me was casual, his smile effortless as he nodded along to grandpa's story about a yacht trip in '89. His hand rested on his thigh, close enough to mine to stir nerves. Then, without warning, his fingers shifted.
Slowly, they slid across the fabric of my dress, grazing the side of my leg before resting against my thigh. My breath caught. My eyes darted to his face, but he was still focused on the conversation, laughing at something Gen said like nothing had changed. Like he wasn't touching me under the table at a family event surrounded by many people, including her.
My throat tightened, and I should've pulled away. But I didn't. His hands moved again, slow strokes over the silk of my dress, light touches. But to me, every touch was fire. I pressed my knees together instinctively, but I still didn't stop him.
I didn't want to. Not anymore.
I'd been pretending for long, pretending not to notice the way he looked at me when Gen wasn't watching, or how my pulse picked up when our fingers brushed accidentally. But this wasn't accidental, and I let it happen.
I smiled through it all. I have always liked Adrian secretly and wished we were together, but he noticed my sister and not me. If this is the only way I can be with him, then I don't care. I will let him touch me, I will let him kiss me, and maybe... just maybe, I'll become his.
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
The party had died down hours ago.
Adrian winked at me before Gen swooped in and offered to see him off. I lay on my bed, still in my dress with my makeup slightly smudged, my hair loosened and pinned back. I should've been exhausted, but my mind wouldn't stop racing.
I could still feel his touch, I could still feel his fingers against my thighs. I pressed my hand against the spot, my eyes closed as I bit my lips fantasizing about what would have happened if we had snuck away from the party.
He is Gen's boyfriend, and yet he touched me like he wasn't, like it was me he wanted. And God, I wanted him to, I wanted more.
I turned on my side, burying my face into the pillow, guilt wrapping itself around me. Thoughts of Adrian got me aroused. The soft tingling feeling between my legs caused me to wrap myself. I kept turning, soft moans escaping my lips. My toes curled as my body trembled like I was cold, but I wasn't.
My breathing became unsteady as I bit my lips and slowly slid my fingers under my dress and paused on the fabric of my soaked panties. I rubbed on my panties, gently pressing my clit while my other hand squeezed my hard nipples.
"Adrian," I whispered softly. "I—I want you here. I want you touching me, I want you, Adrian. I want you."
I managed to control myself and stop. As much as I enjoyed pleasuring myself, I wondered how it would feel if it was Adrian doing it himself, and I wanted that more than anything else. So, I promised myself that I won't touch my body sensually any longer, unless it is Adrian.