I didn't move.
Captain Aldric's flaming sword hummed in the charged air like a chainsaw dipped in sunlight, pointed directly at my throat. His glowing armor practically sang with righteousness, and I'm pretty sure his jawline had its own gravitational pull.
If I weren't about to die, I'd be impressed.
[EMERGENCY QUEST ACTIVE: DEFEAT OR ESCAPE PALADIN CAPTAIN ALDRIC]
[REWARD: 300 EVIL POINTS + UNLOCK "DARK INSTINCT" PASSIVE]
[FAILURE PENALTY: NARRATIVE TERMINATION, A.K.A. DEATH]
A blast of holy pressure hit me like a sledgehammer. My knees buckled slightly. Aldric took a step forward, eyes full of divine fury.
"In the name of the Seven Heavens, surrender and face judgment, villain."
I opened my mouth, hoping my new "Aura of Menace" would do something cool, like make him flinch or at least hesitate.
Instead, I coughed. On my own spit.
[NEGATIVE STATUS APPLIED: INTIMIDATION FAILURE (−10 CHARISMA FOR 30 SECONDS)]
Perfect.
Behind me, the summoners huddled near the broken altar. The young priestess was quietly chanting a prayer, while the archmage Thaddeus stared at me with something between horror and disappointment. Probably how a dad looks when he finds out his kid got suspended for summoning a demon in chemistry class.
I took a slow step back, buying time.
Come on, Lucien. Think. You have villain powers now, right?
[SYSTEM ACCESS: VILLAIN STARTER PACK UNLOCKED]
[AVAILABLE SKILLS: SHADOW DART (Lv.1), INTIMIDATION GLARE (Lv.1), AURA OF MENACE (Passive), ESCAPE ARTIST (Lv.1, Limited Use: 1/1)]
[INVENTORY: DARK CLOAK, 1x INTIMIDATION SCROLL, 1x CORRUPTED APPLE, 7x DIMENSIONAL SNACKS™]
...Why the hell do I have snacks?
[SPONSOR GIFT: DIMENSIONAL SNACKS™ PROVIDED BY MALF'S MULTIVERSE MUNCHIES EAT EVIL, LIVE DELICIOUSLY!]
Okay. Not helpful. Moving on.
"Final warning," Aldric said. "Kneel, villain, and I shall grant you a merciful death."
That sounded like a contradiction, but now wasn't the time to argue theology.
"Yeah… how about no?" I said, and hurled the Corrupted Apple at his face.
It bounced off his helmet with a dull bonk.
There was a beat of stunned silence.
[+5 EVIL POINTS FOR PETTY DEFIANCE]
[+3 VIEWER APPROVAL – COMMENT HIGHLIGHTED: "LMAO DID HE JUST THROW A FRUIT?"]
[+2 BONUS FOR COMEDIC TIMING]
Aldric's face contorted. "You dare mock the divine?!"
"No, no," I said, stepping backward toward the shattered summoning circle. "I strategically distract the divine. Very different."
Then I activated Escape Artist.
The system flared bright red.
[SKILL ACTIVATED: ESCAPE ARTIST (Lv.1)]
[WARNING: LOW-LEVEL AREA ESCAPE – RISK OF DAMAGE FROM FALL OR HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT: HIGH]
[CONFIRM JUMP TO RANDOM LOCATION WITHIN 1 KM RADIUS?]
YES
The world exploded in darkness.
I landed face-first in what felt like a thorn bush made of razor wire.
"OW—goddamn it—system, you couldn't teleport me like… two feet to the left?!"
[NO PAIN, NO POWER!]
[+5 EVIL POINTS FOR CURSING THE SYSTEM]
[CURRENT EVIL POINTS: 190]
I pulled myself out of the undergrowth, bleeding from at least six places, and looked around.
Wherever I was, it wasn't the citadel anymore.
Tall, jagged trees loomed overhead, their bark black and twisted like charred bones. A thick purple mist hung low over the forest floor, glowing faintly. Distant howls echoed through the darkness.
Oh good. A haunted murder forest.
[NEW LOCATION UNLOCKED: THE GLOOMWOOD]
[HOSTILE CREATURES DETECTED NEARBY]
[RECOMMENDATION: SEEK SHELTER OR PREPARE FOR COMBAT]
[NEW QUEST AVAILABLE: SURVIVE THE NIGHT]
I dropped to a sitting position against a half-rotten log and took a moment to breathe.
My hands were still trembling.
That paladin... if I hadn't used the escape skill, I'd be dead. Straight up dead. No retries. No second system glitch to save me. Just a cutscene funeral with no viewers left to mourn.
What was I doing?
I wasn't a villain. I wasn't even a fighter. I was a warehouse clerk with abandonment issues and a Reddit addiction. And now I was stuck in a nightmare world with a cursed HUD screaming at me to be evil for an audience.
[INCOMING SYSTEM MESSAGE...]
[PRIVATE TRANSMISSION – ADMINISTRATOR OVERRIDE]
[??????]: "Well done, Lucien Malhart. The story has accepted you."
A cold shiver ran down my spine.
[??????]: "But be warned. You are not the only Villain. And you are not the worst."
The message vanished before I could respond.
I stared into the mist, trying to ignore the rustling branches and distant growls. What the hell did that mean? Not the only villain?
More importantly—not the worst?
[NEW SYSTEM NOTICE: MULTIVERSE VILLAIN LEADERBOARD UNLOCKED]
[TOP FIVE VILLAINS BY EVIL POINTS:]
"Queen Nyx of Blightspire" – 872,400 EP
"The Butcher King" – 551,230 EP
"Mister Smiles" – 478,900 EP
"The Hollow Prophet" – 451,000 EP
"Anonymous Viewer #666" – 403,000 EP
CURRENT RANK: #14,397
EVIL POINTS: 190
Oh god. There's a leaderboard?
And someone named "Anonymous Viewer" was a player?
I stared at the glowing numbers, heart sinking.
I wasn't the baddest. I wasn't even close. I was just... entertainment. Another pawn in someone else's narrative.
Then I heard it. A growl. Low. Wet. Close.
The bushes ahead of me shook.
[NEW ENEMY DETECTED: CURSED WOLF – LEVEL 6]
[WARNING: TARGET LEVEL EXCEEDS USER BY +5]
[RECOMMENDED ACTION: PANIC]
"Oh hell."
The wolf stepped into view, its skin patchy, eyes glowing red, ribs exposed. I could see worms writhing between its teeth.
I scrambled to my feet and fumbled for something anything from the Villain Starter Pack.
My fingers found the Intimidation Scroll.
[ITEM ACTIVATED: INTIMIDATION SCROLL – SINGLE USE]
[EFFECT: FORCES WEAKER ENEMIES TO FLEE IN TERROR – DOES NOT GUARANTEE SUCCESS AGAINST HIGHER-LEVEL TARGETS]
The scroll burned with black fire.
I held it up like it might scare the thing away.
It paused. Snarled.
Then… it turned and bolted into the darkness.
[+10 EVIL POINTS FOR USING DARK MAGIC]
[+20 SURVIVAL BONUS]
[+1 VIEWER COMMENT: "BRO BLUFFED A BOSS LOL"]
I exhaled. Shaky. Exhausted. Alive.
One night down. A thousand to go.