You know, if someone had told me a week ago that I'd be peacefully cooking a five-star meal beside a tranquil lake in an enchanted forest while a woman capable of wiping out small countries was watching two girls fight over who got to kiss me first—I'd have believed them.
Because I'm me.
CLASH!
Unfortunately, peace was a foreign concept when two women were trying to kill each other over your love and one who is stronger than both of them combined is just here for fun.
Well, one was trying to kill. The other two were... entertained. (You can guess who's the one trying to kill.)
"MINE!"
Behind me, the sound of a fireball crashing into a barrier made of dark blood echoed through the clearing, followed by an explosion of violet mist and a silver blur.
Alicia was throwing elegant fire-blood crescents like she was painting a battlefield with the blood of her enemies. Eira was doing cartwheels with twin daggers and screaming things like "YOU DON'T DESERVE HIS BLOOD, YOU SANGUINE SLUT!" while Nivera just kept laughing like a demoness attending a tea party.
A blur of silver shot past me, Eira's blade glinting under the moonlight.
"Do try not to break her bones. I need her intact for the morning debrief," Nivera cooed, dancing backward like she was at a gala.
Meanwhile, I stirred the stew.
"Pixia, remind me to open a restaurant if this whole academy thing doesn't work out."
(Host, this is the definition of insanity. And yet… I can't look away.)
"Exactly," I said, flipping the seared mana-trout filet with perfect wrist precision. "True art is born in chaos."
(CP +20,000. Audience: Nearby forest spirits are watching you cook shirtless while your waifus go berserk. Mood: Intrigued.)
BOOM!
A tree exploded to my left. Alicia hissed something, while Eira tried to dive-tackle her. Nivera just dodged gracefully and laughed like a villain.
"He's mine, mortals."
'Pixia... remind me why I thought camping together was a good idea?'
(Because you're dumb. Also, you wanted the "bonding experience.")
'I meant bonding with me, not with the battlefield.'
(Well, they're bonding. Spiritually. Through attempted murder.)
I tasted the soup.
Huh. Needed more spice.
I summoned a pinch of volcanic salt and stirred it in with a swirl of my finger, steam rising as the aroma deepened. Next, I flipped the meat skewers over the open flame with a practiced flick. The sizzling sound made my heart sigh.
"Ahhh. Nothing like good food, fresh air, and feral yanderes."
(You're too calm.)
'I've accepted my fate. If I die, at least they'll fight at my grave.'
I added diced forest herbs with a flourish, causing the pot to sparkle.
Meanwhile, Nivera was now perched on a tree branch, sipping blood tea and watching Alicia and Eira go at it like an amused empress.
"Ten silver on fire girl," she mused.
"I'M RIGHT HERE!" Alicia screamed.
"RAVIN, MAKE HER STOP EXISTING!" she howled, soaked and furious.
I took a bite of the trout and let out a moan.
"Eira… I love you. But unless you can cook better than this fish tastes, I'm going to need you to wait until dessert."
Nivera glided into the scene, blood flames circling her like seductive tendrils.
"You are truly the most infuriating, delicious man I've ever met," she growled.
"You say that like it's a compliment," I said, sipping mana wine. "Also, ten points for using 'infuriating' and 'delicious' in the same sentence."
Alicia stomped up, fire burning in her eyes, hair crackling with bloody embers.
"Ravin."
"Hmm?"
"Do you care that these stalkers are currently exploding a national forest?"
I blinked.
"Only if it affects the taste of my food."
Pixia wheezed.
(HOST. You are a walking disaster. Wherever you go, destruction follows. I have no words.)
I stood and dramatically spread my arms.
"Ladies, please. There's enough Ravin to go around. Also, I brought plates."
They all froze.
The air was tense.
Alicia's flame sputtered. Eira blinked. Nivera lowered her bloodflame fang.
"…You cooked for us?" they asked—simultaneously.
I grinned. "Obviously."
(CP +33,000. Affection +3 each. Territorial Rage: Paused.)
I handed out the plates and sat back with the poise of a smug demigod.
"Bon appétit, my adorable disasters."
The atmosphere shifted the moment I handed them their plates.
From war to stunned silence.
Eira blinked at the perfectly roasted mana-trout drizzled in herb essence and plated beside fire-glazed moonroot petals. Her daggers were still in hand, but her hunger won out over her murder-lust.
"…This looks like something from a royal banquet," she whispered, cheeks flushed.
Nivera, elegant even after committing environmental crimes, stared at the dish in fascinated hunger.
"You made this… during our fight?"
"I multitask," I said casually, sipping my wine. "Try it while it's hot. I even removed the bones. You're welcome."
Alicia narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What's in this?"
"Love, mana, and desperation."
"I hate how that's actually convincing."
They all sat.
A moment of complete, almost reverent silence.
Then—
"Oh stars…" Alicia groaned softly, eyes fluttering. "It's… divine."
Eira dropped her fork. "Ravin… marry me."
"Not before me," Nivera snapped, licking her fingers like a seductive vampire chef judge. "This is perfection. I've eaten in hundred-year-old vampire courts, and this is better. But your blood is still better."
(CP +150,000. Affection +2 each. Forest spirits: "He must be a divine incarnation.")
I leaned back against a tree, watching them eat like kittens who forgot they just tried to murder each other.
"Peaceful, isn't it?"
(Host… I think you've actually weaponized domesticity.)
"Exactly. Cooking is the purest form of dominance."
---
[Post-Dinner — By the Campfire]
The mood had changed. Mostly.
Alicia sat beside me with her head on my shoulder, visibly calmer (probably because her belly was full of honey-glazed meat skewers). Eira curled by my feet, occasionally glaring at Alicia but too content to fight. Nivera lounged like a vampire queen beside the fire, her smile dreamy.
"You should cook more often," Nivera sighed. "That stew almost made me forget my hunger for your blood."
"That almost doesn't make me feel better," I muttered.
(CP +5,000. Affection +5. Nivera: 28/100)
(CP +300,000 from the spirits. Mood: Happy their home is safe because of you.)
"Ravin," Alicia murmured, nestling closer, "do you remember our camp under the twin moons five years ago?"
"How could I forget? You set my tent on fire because I wouldn't kiss you."
"You deserved it."
She leaned up.
"Can I redeem that kiss now?"
I smiled. "Gladly."
Just as I leaned in—
"HOLD IT."
A sudden burst of sword aura split the air.
All heads turned.
Synthia stood at the edge of the camp, arms folded, eyes locked onto me.
"I leave you alone for one night, and you build a campsite harem?"
The girls froze.
Synthia stalked forward.
I didn't move.
I knew that look.
She stopped right in front of me.
"Mine."
And then she kissed me.
Right in front of everyone.
Long. Deep. Possessive.
(CP +80,000. Affection +6. Synthia: 114/100)
Alicia stood up. "You didn't say you'd come tonight."
Eira pulled out her daggers.
Nivera took a sip of wine. "Oh my, this just keeps getting better."
Pixia sighed.
And the war resumed.
---
After the "peace treaty" exploded like a poorly-cast fireball, I did what any rational man surrounded by emotionally unstable waifus would do.
I ran.
'Pixia, remind me to create a clone spell. One for cooking. One for flirting. One for running from crazy girls.'
(I already have a skill drafted: "Shadow Clone – Romantic Diversion Subclass." Cooldown: never low enough.)
'Genius.'
My solution?
I climbed the tallest tree in a twenty-meter radius, summoned an elemental shield around the branch, wrapped myself in a mana cocoon, and declared it my holy ground of peace.
Down below…
They were still fighting.
Alicia had summoned blood-laced fire. Eira was using tree branches as improvised spears. Nivera—well, she was just having fun.
Synthia had vanished again like a red phantom, nowhere to be seen.
It was like watching three apex predators trying to out-meow each other.
"HE'S MINE!"
"You literally stalked us!"
"You drank his blood!!"
"You kissed him in public!"
"It was that red-haired bitch."
(Explosion and hissing noises intensify)
I sighed, cradling my face in my hand.
"Ah… nature. So peaceful."
(Host. You have weaponized emotional chaos into a romantic battlefield. You realize this, right?)
'Just another Monday.'
---
[Campfire — 1 Hour Later]
Eventually, they all got tired.
Physically.
Not emotionally.
I waited for the smoke to clear before descending with the grace of a forest prince-slash-pop idol. Shirt ruffled. Hair glowing from starlight. Lute in hand.
The girls were sitting apart, grumbling, bruised, and pouting like territorial cats who'd been scolded.
"So…" I said, flipping my lute to rest on my shoulder. "One tent."
Three heads snapped toward me.
"What?"
"There's only one tent. You'll have to share it."
It was a lie. I had 10 of these tents but I had enough common sense not to tell them.
"…With you?" Nivera purred.
"With each other," I clarified.
They all looked betrayed.
And then—
I dropped the real bomb.
"Oh. And I'm not sleeping in the tent."
"…What?" Alicia blinked.
I pointed upward.
To the glowing mana hammock I'd just finished crafting in the tree canopy.
My throne.
My kingdom.
My fluff.
"Too much estrogen down here," I added dramatically. "I'll be up there. Meditating."
"You coward," Eira hissed.
"You're still bleeding, psycho."
---
[Later — Nightfall]
They did eventually sleep in the same tent.
Not peacefully. But no one was murdered. That's progress.
I lay suspended in the air, arms folded behind my head, looking up at the stars. Fireflies danced in the distance. Mana pulsed gently from the forest.
'Pixia?'
(Yeah?)
'…This is nice.'
(Yeah. It is.)
'Think I'll survive tomorrow?'
(Doubtful. But you'll look good doing it.)
We both laughed.
The moon bathed the canopy in silver.
My eyes closed as I fell asleep.