If you ever wondered what it's like to fight someone who treats gravity like a toy...
It's exactly how it sounds.
Awful.
Vex raised her hand again.
The air shimmered. My feet left the ground.
"Okay—okay, wait, timeout," I wheezed, floating upside down like a cursed balloon. "Can we talk about this? Like mature adults who respect each other's personal space?"
"You punched a drone into another dimension thirty seconds ago," Half-Dead Laughter reminded me.
"I was emotionally compromised!"
Vex snapped her fingers.
Gravity flipped.
I slammed back-first into the floor so hard I bounced.
"Okay. Ow. That's… not even physically consistent."
Vex didn't answer. She just hovered above me, not even walking. Her feet skimmed the surface like she was too dignified for friction. Her red visor locked on me like I was a math problem that failed its own test.
"Core instability detected. Host unable to synchronize efficiently.""Recommending permanent shutdown."
She pointed two fingers at me. Energy spiraled into a compact ball—dense enough to collapse my self-esteem.
"Okay, okay, think," I muttered. "She's stronger, faster, hotter—NO, not the time—more skilled…"
"You got one thing she doesn't," Half-Dead Laughter whispered.
"Insanity?"
"Comedy."
I blinked. "You want me to joke her to death?"
"No. I want you to break the rhythm. She expects a fight. Give her something else. Confuse her. Humiliate her."
"Oh god. We're gonna improv."
"Always."
I stood. Wobbly, yes. But defiant.
"Alright, gravity girl. You want a shutdown? You gotta earn it."
I tapped my speaker-core.
It glowed.
A stupid idea formed in my head.
"Yo," I shouted. "What do you call a Core user who can't laugh?"
She paused. Slight tilt of the head. That was it.
"YOU!"
My Core pulsed. The ground beneath her exploded in a geyser of banana peels. Literal banana peels. She stumbled—STUMBLED—as her perfect balance was betrayed by potassium.
"Banana trap?! YOU HAVE BANANA TRAPS?!"
"I HAVE BANANA TRAPS!"
Vex recovered instantly, of course. She raised her hand again, and this time the air twisted so hard my bones started humming Beethoven's 5th.
I charged anyway.
"FOR COMEDY!"
She lifted her palm. A sphere of inverted light formed. A gravity bomb.
"You brought banana peels to a singularity fight?" she said, finally speaking.
I smiled.
"Yeah. And I brought this too."
I reached into my Core interface.
SPECIAL MOVE UNLOCKED: HALF-DEAD STYLE #3 — PUNCHLINE BURST
"Delivery in 3…"
The gravity bomb launched.
"2…"
I ducked low, arms glowing.
"1…"
I uppercutted the bomb.
Yeah, I punched gravity. What of it?
It exploded midair in a spiral of refracted space-time.
Vex blinked, caught off guard.
I leapt through the explosion, riding the shockwave like a comedy surfboard.
"FULL DELIVERY: PUNCHLINE BURST!"
My fist collided with her face.
And to her credit… she blocked.
Barely.
A shockwave tore through the sky.
The clouds above ripped into a spiral. The junkyard collapsed around us. Old engines floated, twisted, then shattered.
We hit the ground together, skidding across the floor, throwing sparks and chunks of metal like fireworks.
We stopped.
I coughed. "That… hurt me more than it hurt you, didn't it?"
Vex stood slowly, visor cracked.
She wiped a trickle of blood from her mouth.
"Not bad," she whispered.
Then she smiled.
"Let's turn the pressure up."
Oh no.
Suddenly, the sky above us turned black. A giant red ring formed around the battlefield. My Core screamed in protest.
"SIGNATURE: GRAVITY FIELD: RED COLLAPSE ZONE.""Warning: You are inside a god-tier suppression zone."
Everything went heavy.
Like planet-heavy.
I collapsed instantly. Knees buckled. Chest crushed. My Core dimmed.
And Vex?
She walked through it like it was a warm bath.
"Fun time's over," Half-Dead Laughter warned.
"I noticed," I gasped.
"You can't win here. Unless…"
"Unless what?"
"…you laugh."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?"
"It's my Core. I amplify absurdity. The more unpredictable and ridiculous you are, the more I break physics."
I wheezed, barely able to raise my head. "You want me to be funnier… while dying?"
"Exactly. Now say the dumbest thing you can think of."
I looked up at Vex, who now stood above me like some terrifying celestial school principal.
And I whispered:
"…Your shoelaces are untied."
She looked down.
Her boots were laceless.
She blinked.
And that split second?
It was all I needed.