Hey there friends, names Derek Lace, I was your typical everyday Aussie dude, and by was I mean I'm now dead, and you're probably thinking, "But Derek, how did that happen?" and I would reply that some bullshit happened. But I'm guessing that wouldn't satisfy your curiosity, not that it matters now, but here's how it went down.
This tale begins in a small town in Australia, called WhoFuckingCaresNow, on the street of NoOneWantsToKnow Avenue. We come across a lovely little neighbourhood, where we find our hero of the story sleeping peacefully in a small room littered with clothes and chip packets. It was a charming Sunday morning in the months of spring, the sun was shining, the trees were gently swaying in the breeze, the birds were singing, it was a picturesque scene. That was until a man in his underwear came running out of his house, grabbing a rock off the sidewalk and throwing it at said birds, screaming, "FUCK OFF YOU CUNT BIRDS, I'M SLEEPING!!!"
Derek POV
As I slowly open my eyes after a rough night shift at the pub, all I can hear is the taunting echoes of those feathered assholes outside, calling their bullshit mating calls or whatever they're doing. And as I also hear intense scratching, cawing, and wing flutters on the colorbond roof, I can only assume they have chosen my roof to start some sort of bird fight club. Me being me, and also being a paragon of patience and virtue—yeah right—did what any normal person would have done in that situation. I ran outside in my boxers, grabbed whatever was on the sidewalk, and threw it at those little fuckers, screaming, "FUCK OFF YOU CUNT BIRDS!!!"
They took off in a hurry and all was right with the world, that was until I heard my neighbour's door open. Karen: "What the hell do you think you're doing, scumbag, screaming profanity like that in this neighbourhood!" To be fair, she had a point, and normally I'd apologize and be on my way so as to not deal with this woman, but the combination of me being tired as hell and her just being a bitch in general kinda just had me retorting on autopilot. Derek: "Fuck off Karen, I had a late night and those winged assholes had it coming." Karen: "You don't have the right to talk to me like that, do you have any idea who my husband is? You need to have a hard look in the mirror and get your life together you loser!" Derek: "Sorry darlin', not gonna be taking life advice from someone who's getting her cheeks clapped by her neighbours while her big important husband is at work."
She just looks at me horrified and turns around to see her 10-year-old looking just as horrified. I lean around her and give him a little wave with a "hey buddy." She takes her son back inside while asking if he heard that, I couldn't help but just laugh as I walk back inside, trying to remember a saying, something about stones and glass houses, oh well.
As I come back inside I check my phone to see it's 10:00 AM and see a message from my girlfriend. GF: "Are we still on for this afternoon? I finish work at 2." Derek: "Yeah girl, got the weed you just gotta bring the food, I'm thinking of Kung Fu Panda trilogy, watchu thinkz?" GF: "Sounds great, I can't wait, I'll grab some on the way." Derek: "Sick, grab it and come get yo a$$ girl." GF: "lol that's gross I'll see you later." Really starting to like this girl more and more, so I went to the kitchen to check the weed situation and find out… "Ugghhhhh fuck…" Gotta go see the guy, never a fun trip, so I run to grab my wallet and find no cash in there. "Ugggghhh double fuck…."
Fuck it, I grab my mask because Covid is shit and head out the door, jump into my car and head down to the local ATM, where I find it's out of order. "Ugggghhh triple fuck….." Done with my moaning I jump back in my car and head down to a little out of the way ATM to get some cash out, as I arrive I see it's fine and go up to get some cash out, as I walk up to the ATM, I hear a rustle in the tree next to the ATM but chose to ignore it.
As I go take the money out of the ATM, I feel a knife at my back and I hear a "hand over your wallet, money, and phone!" Fuck! Am I really getting mugged right now? As I slowly turn around I see a twitchy stick of a man covered in scabs, and all I can think is 'am I really gonna get mugged by some crackhead on a Sunday morning?' But just as I was about to give him my stuff a police car drove by and noticed us, flicked on his lights, breaks screeching, which I personally thought was a little much as they are 20 feet away.
And as it pulls up 2 officers jump out guns pointed, while junkie man jumps behind me knife to my throat, and all I can think is 'holy shit this is bad timing.' Officer 1: "Drop the knife and put your hands up." Junkie: "Drop your guns or I'll stick this fat fuck like a pig." Me: "Fuck that's rude." Junkie: "Would it be better to slit your throat, huh!?" Derek: "I mean… obviously not but could we maybe talk about this?" Junkie: "Nothing to talk about now that the pigs are here."
Fuck me sideways, what a shitty start to a day, well not much to do now but wait it out I guess. As the police and the junkie shout their demands at each other, 2 more police cars show up just to add some more drama to this shit show that is my morning. Derek: "What's the plan here chief, because I got shit to do, and as much as a love having you shouting in my ear with your hot garbage breath and knife to my throat, doesn't really look like things are going well."
He starts getting even twitchier and muttering about how he's gotta get some more, of what I can only assume is heroin or something, when suddenly out of nowhere an orange ping pong ball hits him square between the eyes, not enough to really hurt him, but seemingly just enough to get my fucking throat slit!!! As I grab my throat and blood pours out, one of what I can assume is a rookie officer takes a shot, honestly a fantastic shot... if his goal was to shoot me in the leg. Unable to breathe I look around and see everyone panic, junkie included, as I fall to the ground and my vision slowly darkens I see that orange ping pong ball that fucked everything, and as I manage to grab and then gargle out one last "fuck you" as I look at the ball everything goes black.
So yeah, that's how I ended up dead. Birds, Karens, crackheads, and a rogue ping pong ball—not exactly the way I saw my Sunday going, but here we are. If you're reading this, maybe learn from my mistakes: don't mess with birds, don't piss off Karen, always check your weed stash before your girlfriend comes over, and most importantly, watch out for stray sports equipment. About the author? Love dem fanfix, love dem fanfix. That's me, Derek Lace, signing off from the great beyond. Cheers, ya legends.
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A/N Hey! Thanks for reading and supporting the story.!