It's been a month.And guess what?
Things… got better.Like, actually better.
We've been talking every single day.Every. Single. Day.I'd wake up, check my phone, and there he was—Some weird text. Some silly nickname. Some random meme.
And then at night…We'd talk. Really talk.About life. About sadness. About stuff I never told anyone.
He always gave me advice.Not the cheesy kind.The real kind.He listened. Like… really listened.
He told me he doesn't want me thinking about dying ever again.He said,"You matter, Lola. Even if you don't feel it yet."
I mean…Someone cared.Like genuinely.That's rare, right?
And yeah, my mindset changed a little.I started to love my face.My weird little thoughts.My quiet feelings.Even my sadness.
Yazid—he's like my hero.Maybe even my best friend.Maybe something more.I don't know.I never thought this chapter would exist in my life.
Last night
I couldn't sleep.Again.
It was midnight here, but like 8PM where Yazid lives.I thought he was busy. I didn't wanna annoy him.So I stayed quiet. Put my phone away. Pretended I was okay.
But then—Ting!My favorite sound.A notification.From him.
'Are you sleeping?'
My heart did that thing. That silly flutter.Like butterflies woke up in my chest.
'Nah. But I think I wanna give you a nickname, Yazid.'
'Just call me Yazid, Lola.'
'Nooo, I wanna give you one. Since you gave me mine. Hmmm… let's see. Maybe... Shin?'
'Wait—like the dude who dances with his butt? No way hahaha. You like that?'
'Whatever, Shin. You're Shin now. Maybe you do dance with your butt like him'
'Well well, princess.'
Voice message sent.
My heart went bump bump.His voice is warm.Deep.Safe.
"Sleep, Lola. Or I'll eat you."
Weird.Creepy.Adorable.
So I said,'Maybe let's talk a bit more, Shin. I can't sleep.'
'Again? You're thinking too much, aren't you? Truth or dare?'
'Okay… dare.'
'Send me a voice message. I only heard your voice once.'
Ugh. This again.I swear my voice sounds like a dying monkey through my phone's mic.In real life, maybe it's not that bad. Maybe. Hopefully.
'Okay I sleep now.'
'Hey hey nooo, why can't I hear your voice? I'm your friend, Lola!'
So I said goodnight…With my monkey voice.Cringe.But he replied right away.I didn't even finish listening.I fell asleep halfway.
Oops.
It's the end of the school year.May 2023.Honestly, a good month.Because for once…Someone understood me.
Not for my grades.Not for my looks.Just me. The messy, overthinking, too-emotional version of me.
June 3rd
No messages from Shin.Three days now.I tried to stay calm.Told myself he's just studying.He's probably busy.He said he had exams.It's fine. I'm not needy.Right?
June 15th
I gave in.Sent a message.
'Hey Shin. How are you? It's been two weeks. Are you okay?'
No reply.
I kept checking.Morning.Lunch break.Late at night when I should've been asleep.Still nothing.
July 21st
I stopped checking.
I accepted it.Or at least… I pretended to.Because what else can I do?
Thank you, Shin.For that one month.For making me feel stronger.For making me feel seen.For making me laugh.For making me feel like… maybe I wasn't broken after all.
But now you're gone.And it hurts.Like really hurts.
Sometimes I wonder if I was just someone you talked to because you were bored.Just a random girl on a random night.Just someone you forgot as easily as you found.
But to me…You became part of my routine.My night.My calm after a long, hard day.The one person who made the silence feel less scary.
Now?
The silence is back.But louder.Colder.Meaner.
Waiting is exhausting.It's like holding my breath underwater—hoping maybe you'll pull me out again.
But what if you never do?
Should I let go?Should I delete the chat?Should I stop wondering what I did wrong?
Or should I hold on to the hope that maybe…just maybe…you'll come back?
Even if it's just to say goodbye.