BOOM!
The tranquil silence of early morning was shattered by an explosion near Pig Village's east fields. Birds scattered. The pig known as Chairman Oink squealed and dove into a turnip patch.
Li Tianming leapt from his roof-bed, his makeshift bamboo sword still taped to his back.
"What was that?"
A sweaty villager stumbled into view. "Bandits! They've come again—those same brutes from Black Claw Ridge!"
Tianming's eyes narrowed. "How dare they interrupt my sacred hour of shameless cultivation."
> "System Prompt: Side Quest Triggered – 'Defend Pig Village with Extreme Sass.'"
Reward: +200 Qi, Rare Loot Box, Local Fame
Optional Bonus: Defeat Bandit Boss using words, not weapons
---
At the village gate, a dozen bandits swaggered in. Most were half-dressed, fully drunk, and armed with stolen farming tools. Their leader, a bald brute with a scar across his lip, waved a rusty cleaver.
"Listen up! We want food, money, and at least three women! And not the old ones!"
An elderly granny raised her cane. "What's wrong with old ones?! I moisturize!"
Tianming stepped forward.
"No need for violence, gentlemen. How about we settle this the civil way?"
The bandits blinked.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I am Li Tianming, proud founder of the Shameless Heaven Sect, ruler of Pig Village, and soon-to-be Emperor of Everything."
"Emperor of—? HAHAHA!"
They laughed so hard one fell off his donkey.
"Behold!" Tianming announced. "My weapon: The Verbal Palm!"
"...What?"
Tianming activated his [Mouth of God – Lv.1].
"Baldy," he said, pointing to the bandit leader, "your aura's leaking. Your qi's weak. Your cleaver is chipped, your pants are ripped, and I can see your third buttcheek."
"W-What?!"
"And you," he continued, pointing at the bandit second-in-command, "That patchy beard? Looks like a squirrel died on your face."
The man gasped. "It took me months to grow that!"
> "System Notice: Host has activated [Verbal Palm – AoE]. Emotional Disruption successful."
Bandit Morale: -40%
Passive Qi Absorbed: +60
Tianming's aura flared. He struck a pose.
"Now, who wants to fight the Shameless Sect?"
Nobody moved.
"I-I'm out!" one bandit shouted. "I didn't sign up for psychological warfare!"
---
The bandit boss roared, charging forward.
Tianming ducked, kicked a pot of pig stew into the air, caught it, and dumped it over the man's head.
"Hot pot diplomacy!"
He then slammed the lid on the bandit's face.
> "Bonus Move Activated: [Utensil Reversal Arts – Stew of Shame]."
Boss Defeated via Dish-Based Humiliation. Qi +100. Affection from villagers: +20. Title Gained: 'Wok Knight.'"
---
The remaining bandits fled.
Villagers erupted into cheers. Granny Wu hugged him. Someone threw flower petals. A child handed him a crayon drawing of him smacking a bandit with a frying pan.
Mei Ling'er, watching from a rooftop, blinked.
"That… actually worked?"
"I told you!" Tianming said, arms wide. "The Dao of Shamelessness conquers all!"
She floated down beside him. "Fine. I'll admit… you're strangely effective."
> "System Alert: Mei Ling'er Affection +5. Status: 'Entertained and Confused.'"
---
That night, in celebration, Tianming hosted a feast. Turnips, wild boar, and the last of his secret stash of divine dumplings (which he'd been hoarding).
As villagers laughed and sang, Tianming climbed atop a table.
"Hear me now! Today, we defended our village not with weapons, but with words. With boldness! With sheer, unapologetic audacity!"
He raised a mug.
"And from today forth, we shall have a tax system!"
"…What?" someone said.
"I mean it! To build a kingdom, we need coin! Infrastructure! A pig military!"
Villagers stared.
"I'll call it… the Sacred Contribution Fund! Give now and ascend the Karma Ladder! Refuse and… be gently slapped with a pig ear."
> "System Feature Unlocked: [Empire Management: Tier 0 – Tax Collection Lv.1]"
Revenue: 12 Spirit Coins, 3 Pickled Vegetables, and one 'I.O.U. from Granny Wu'
---
Later that night, Tianming stood atop his rebuilt pig coop tower, watching stars shimmer above.
"First step taken," he whispered. "A village. A goddess. A frying pan army."
Mei Ling'er joined him, holding two mugs.
"You're ridiculous," she said.
"I'm a visionary."
"You're wearing a cabbage leaf crown."
"All great emperors start somewhere."
They drank in silence. Crickets chirped. Somewhere, Chairman Oink farted.
"…You really think you can build an empire?" she asked softly.
Tianming smiled.
"I don't just think it. I've already started."
> "System Message: Pig Village renamed – Shameless City (Provisional)."
Population: 43 Humans, 22 Pigs, 1 Divine Egg
Reputation: +25 (Regionally Infamous)
Next Milestone: Build a Wall or Pretend to Have One
Bonus Quest: Recruit a second divine entity.