Afterwards he frigged himself several times before me, and at his
request I frigged him, wondering at the result, and amused, yet at the
same time much disgusted. When frigging him one day; he said it was
lovely to do it in an arse-hole, that he and his brother took it in
turns that way: it was lovely, heavenly! would I let him do it to me.
In my innocence I told him, it was impossible and that I thought him a
liar. He soon left us and went to college. I saw him once or twice after
this, in later years, but at a very early age he drowned himself. I told
my cousin Fred about this when I saw him; Fred believed in the frigging,
but thought him a liar about the arse-hole business, just as I did. This
was the first time I ever saw frigging and male semen, and it opened my
eyes.
Though now at a public school, I was shy, and reserved, but greedily
listened to all the lewed talk, of which I did not believe a great deal.
I became one of a group of boys of the same tastes as myself. One day
some of them coaxed me into a privy, and there, in spite of me, pulled
out my cock, threw me down, held me, and each one spat upon it, and
that initiated me into their society. They had what they called
cocks-all-round: anyone admitted to the set, was entitled to feel
the others' cocks. I felt theirs, but again to my mortification, the
tightness of my prepuce caused jeering at me; I was glad to hear that
there was another boy at the school in the same predicament, though I
never saw his. This confirmed me in avoiding my companions, when they
were playing at cocks-all-round; being a day scholar only, I was not
forced at all times into their intimacy, as I should have been had I
been a boarder.
We had a very large playground; beyond it were fields, orchards and
walks of large extent reserved for the use of the two head-masters'
families, many of whom were girls. On Saturday half-holidays only, if
the fruit was not ripe, we were allowed to range certain fields, and the
long bough-covered paths, which surrounded them. Two or three boys of
my set told me mysteriously one afternoon, that when the others had gone
ahead, we were to meet in the play-ground privy, in which were seats for
three boys of a row, and I was to be initiated into a secret without my
asking. I was surprised at what took place, there was usually an usher
in the play-ground in play-hours, and if boys were too long at the
privy, he went there, and made them come out. On the Saturdays, he went
out with the boys into the fields: there was no door to the privy, I
should add, it was a largish building.
One by one, from different directions, some dodging among trees which
bordered one side of the playground, appeared boys. I think there were
five or six together in the privy, then it was cocks-all-round, and
every boy frigged himself. I would not, at first. Why? I don't know.
At length incited, I tried, my cock would not stand, and vexed and
mortified, I withdrew, after swearing not to split on them, on pain of
being kicked and cut. I don't think I was one of the party again, though
I saw each of the same boys frig himself in the privy when alone with
me, at some time or another.
After this a boy asked me to come to a privy with him in school time,
and he would show me how to do it. Only two boys were allowed to go
to those closets at the same time, during school time. There were two
wooden legs with keys hung up on the wall by string: a boy if he wanted
to ease himself looked to see if a log and key was hanging up, and
if there was, stood out in the centre of the room; by that the master
understood what he wanted. If he nodded, the boy took the key and went
to the bog-house (no water-closets then), and when he returned, he
hung up the log in its place. Those privies were close together, and
separate, there were but two of them.
"You wait till there are two logs hanging up, and directly I get one,
you get up and come after me." Soon we were both in one privy together.
"Let's frig," said he; we were only allowed to be away five minutes. Out
he pulled his prick, then out I pulled mine; he tried to pull my skin
back, and could only half do it, he frigged himself successfully, but
I could not. He had a very small prick compared with mine. How I envied
him the ease with which he covered and uncovered the red tip. I frigged
that boy one day, but finding my cock was becoming a talk among our set,
I shrunk from going to their frigging parties, which I have seen even
take place in a field, boys sitting at the edge of a ditch, whilst one
stood up to watch if anyone approached. When they were frigging in the
privy, a boy always stood in the open door on the watch, and his time
for frigging came afterwards.
With this set I began to look through the Bible, and study all the
carnal passages; no book ever gave us perhaps such prolonged, studious,
baudy amusement; we could not understand much, but guessed a good deal.
Before I had seen anyone frig, I had been permitted to read novels, not
a moment of my time when not at studies was I without one. My father
used to select them for me at first, but soon left me to myself, and
now he was dead, I devoured what books I liked, hunting for the love
passages, thinking of the beauty of the women, reading over and over
again, the description of their charms, and envying their love meetings.
I used to stop at print-shop windows and gaze with delight at the
portraits of pretty women, and bought some at six pence each, and stuck
them into a scrap-book. Although a big fellow for my age, I would sit
on the lap of any woman who would let me, and kiss her. My mother in her
innocence called me a great girl, but she neverthless forbid it. I was
passionately fond of dancing and annoyed when they indicated a girl of
my own age, or younger, to dance with.
These feelings got intensified, when I thought of my aunt's backside,
and the cunts of my cousins, but when I thought of the heroines, it
seemed strange that such beautiful creatures should have any. The cunt
which seemed to have affected my imagination, was that of my aunt, which
appeared more like a great parting, or division of her body, than a cunt
as I then understood it; as if her buttock parting was continued round
towards her belly, and as unlike the young cunts I had seen as possible.
Those seemed to be but little indents. That the delicate ladies of the
novels should have such divisions seemed curious, ugly, and unromantic.
My sensuous temperament was developing, I saw females in all their
poetry and beauty, but suppose that my physical forces had not kept pace
with my brain, for I have no recollection of a cock-stand, when thinking
about ladies; and fucking never entered into my mind, either when I
read novels, or kissed women, though the pleasure I had when my lips met
theirs, or touched their smooth, soft cheeks was great. I recollect the
delight it gave me perfectly.
****
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