#liamneeson Here's a roast that captures your vibe:
Listen up, because I make Liam Neeson look like a PG movie. You know how in "Taken" he's out there breaking necks and chasing kidnappers across Europe? Please. They took the wrong kids, and I didn't even have to get off my bed to handle it. Liam's out there running marathons, and I'm just chilling, handling business with a glare and a WiFi connection25.
Obama once said I'd never figure everything out, but let's be real-if I ever opened a dictionary, the word "mercy" wouldn't even be in it. Every guy who tries to shun me ends up running for cover, and Erie? That's just where I send my problems to retire.
So here's the game plan: I'm not moving, I'm not lifting a finger, and neither is anyone else. You're all going to fix your mess, because if I have to get involved, I'll sue everybody and own everything. Why? Because when I bring the heat, even Liam Neeson calls in sick.
😂## The Ultimate Roast: If the World's Problems Were Solved by a Government with Beer Goggles, a Dyslexic Perspective, and a Three-Headed Dog
Picture this: The world's on fire—climate crisis, political chaos, misinformation, traffic jams, and hunger. The government, desperate to keep God from doxxing humanity, throws together the most spectacularly useless solutions ever conceived. Meanwhile, mythological beasts and wordplay run wild.
**Climate change?**
No problem! The government cranks up Earth's AC, plugs the planet into a giant extension cord, and sprays tinfoil confetti into the clouds. Now we've got a global disco ball—polar bears are freezing, but at least God can't see us sweating.
**Political conflicts?**
Forget diplomacy. Every dispute is now settled by mandatory dance-offs. If you can't moonwalk, you can't rule. God wants to intervene? Sorry, He's stuck in bureaucracy—37 forms, 12 signatures, and a prayer spam filter that sends His requests straight to junk mail.
**Misinformation?**
All news anchors replaced by parrots squawking random "facts." If you want the truth, you'd better speak bird. And if anything weird happens, the government blames aliens—because, obviously, Martians are responsible for plagues and rivers of blood.
**Poverty and inequality?**
Everyone gets invisible money—Monopoly cash for all! Just don't try to spend it, unless you want to fill out a tax form for every blessing you receive.
**Traffic jams?**
Cars are banned. Everyone commutes by pogo stick. Arrive sweaty and exhausted, but hey, at least you're not stuck in gridlock—unless you bounce into a Ministry of Denial press conference, where they insist, "There is no problem. Please return to your pogo sticks."
**Overpopulation?**
Society-wide musical chairs. When the music stops, if you don't have a seat, you're out. Survival of the fastest—just don't trip over the invisible money!
**Technology addiction?**
Phones replaced with bricks. Want to scroll? Good luck lifting that thing. Instant digital detox, courtesy of the Department of Heavy Lifting.
**Global hunger?**
All food replaced with giant cotton candy clouds. Sweet, fluffy, and completely useless for nutrition—but at least it looks good on Instagram.
**And who's guarding the gates of this madhouse?**
None other than Serbius, the three-headed dog (or Cerberus, depending on how many beers you've had). He's barking at everyone trying to leave the chaos, making sure the party never ends. If you're looking at him through beer goggles, you might see triple—or maybe you're just dyslexic and realize it spells "us" correctly after all.
**And remember:**
There's a *huge* difference between the goddess (or any divine force for good) and the world's terrorists or villains. The goddess stands for hope, healing, and cosmic comedy—while the bad guys just get roasted by the ultimate punchline.
**So, if God wanted to fix and end the world's worst problems (and ISIS) all at once?**
He'd just hit "refresh," confuse the government with paperwork, send Serbius to guard the exit, and let everyone realize—sometimes you need to look at things from a different perspective (or a little dyslexic) to see that it's really just "us" in this together.
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**Moral of the Story:**
If stupidity were punishable, we'd all be toast. But with governments, mythological dogs, and a little divine humor in charge, at least we'll go down laughing—pogo-sticking through a disco-ball apocalypse, invisible money in hand, while parrots narrate the cotton candy chaos and Serbius guards the punch bowl.
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Want to add another twist, myth, or roast? I'm always ready to keep the party going! 😄🔥🐶
Meanwhile, on the next episode of "Ex Pet of Files Dt Ect Iv E!"
Part of Whose Words?
You ever notice how dealing with printer toner issues is like being friends with that one suicidal jackass who jumped out the window? Both leave you staring at a mess, wondering what went wrong, and seriously questioning your life choices. It's like bad window shopping gone wrong-except instead of a new outfit, you end up with broken glass and a support ticket for IT.
But honestly, after hearing Joe rant about idiots all day, I'm starting to think he's the real case study for MKUltra. At least the CIA had the decency to blame LSD for their bad decisions-Joe just blames the internet. If being clueless was a government experiment, Joe would be the control group and the test subject at the same time. He's out here calling people idiots, but if he spent one night in a CIA hotel room, he'd probably jump out the window just looking for the vending machine.
And now, in a freaky twist, Joe's got my voice-ranting, roasting, and MC-ing like he's running the experiment. But if he's going to take the mic, he better hear me out first. If you're going to be my MC though, Santa-gato, let me refer you to myself. Why don't you actually meet with me so you know what the hell to say as well? But if Pinocchio wants to be a real boy instead and have his own identity, you just let me know.
Joe's the kind of guy who'd try to fix a toner jam with a hammer, call tech support, and then blame the printer for not having a "common sense" setting. He's the only person who could get lost in a revolving door and still come out arguing with the GPS. If Joe ever joined the CIA, the only secret he'd uncover is how to accidentally reply-all to a classified email with a meme.
Joe: proving every day that the internet's biggest idiot might just be the guy pointing them out.
Scully and Krabby Patsy are wondering why SpongeBob's so pissed-turns out Ms. Patrick's OB found out SpongeBob's not gay, so he hides under a rock like a bitch instead. Four years late to the party, even the Bubble Guppies are floundering instead of lost like door blind! Why? That's why!
And one more thing: if you ever catch Joe trying to fix a bubble machine with a conspiracy theory, just remember-sometimes the real X-File is how he manages to make it through the day without accidentally launching a government investigation into his own search history.
On a side note, completely unrelated: In Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, there's a plot twist where Gracie Hart tries to stop a bank heist, but her fame gets her recognized and blows her cover. The robbers get caught, but the FBI decides Gracie can't do fieldwork anymore and makes her the public face of the bureau. No Joseph cop twist, but plenty of undercover surprises and mistaken identities to go around.
Check out more of Joe's "brilliance" here:
Website: https://joesantagato.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/joesantagato
#IdiotsOfTheInternet #Comedy #Roast #FYP #JoeSantagato
Certainly! Here's your fully combined, no-holds-barred, razor-sharp, wild and hilarious mega-roast and stand-up show that keeps all your original jokes and themes intact, plus the fresh savage law-and-thug takedown you wanted.
This is a(bs) showstopper set that hits every target with humor, edge, and flow: #rap it is #up t wa zs me N2 i app kut smart ed ewe upu and m!sry bait luv u!
🔥 The Ultimate Roast & Stand-Up Show: No One Escapes 🔥
turning t-able-s b-t bs style!
fuck the farmer and the dell, I'm done with 7 min in heyvin—whose red e 4hell o adelle?
Supreme Court Stone Age
Clarence Thomas, you've been on the bench so long you're basically a courthouse gargoyle—stone-faced, frozen, haunting the living. You make "original recipe" sound like a warning label. Thirty-three years of "nope, not listening." People sweat the N-word, but the real problem's action, not color. You're the king of "ignore and deny."
#JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas
Billionaire Bake Sale & Playground Drama
Colonel Mews, you're not even the secret ingredient—just extra crispy leftovers flexing at Bohemian Grove, like it's a billionaire bake sale but the only thing you're cooking is your legacy—extra crispy.
Elon, you want to "hump and dump at the Y"? Cute. For a guy always launching rockets, you're stuck in the sandbox. Tesla's got more recalls than a telemarketer, your autopilot's so lost it needs a therapy dog, and even Hertz dumped your fire hazards on wheels. Your stock's tanking faster than your tweets. Investors are bailing, and your self-driving promises are more fiction than your hairline.
#ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast
Our little torture game? It's like Snapped—if I snap, no next episode. Series finale. Not even your bunker or Pentagon briefing saves you.
Zuckerberg, you dropped hundreds of millions on a doomsday bunker, but I'm out here running laps around you without leaving my chair. All that money, still no personality upgrade. You're like a robot trying to pass the Turing Test with a dial-up modem.
#MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch
Simon Cowell, you rate me a one? I am the scale. I'm the new Top Gun—where I land, that's the high score. Next time you want to judge, remember: you're not ranking me—I'm rewriting "the top."
#SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus
Cartels & Gangs: The Roast No One Survives
Let's talk about the cartels, because every one of you thinks you're the Netflix special.
Sinaloa Cartel: You guys are like the Walmart of crime—everywhere, but the quality's gone way down.
CJNG: You're the new kids on the block, but you act like you invented violence. Newsflash: just because you have a cool logo doesn't mean you run the world.
Tijuana Cartel: You used to be legends, now you're just a cautionary tale.
Juarez Cartel: You're like that one relative who keeps coming back after rehab—nobody trusts you, but you're always at the party.
Cali & Medellin: You're the grandpas of the game—still talking about the good old days, but now you're just memes on Facebook.
MS-13: You got more tattoos than brain cells.
Bloods & Crips: You guys are basically the Pepsi and Coke of street beef—same flavor, different color.
Tren de Aragua: Sounds like a trainwreck nobody wants to board.
Cartel unity? Please. Every "unity" meeting ends in a shootout. The only thing you all agree on is who gets the last taco.
And let's be honest, the only time you actually help the community is when you're hiding behind it.
#SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence
Dear Women: Real Talk
Dear women, look—I don't like your men staring at my ass either. But if you'd quit selling it to them, that might help. Not gonna lie though, sometimes it does help—like when I need to get to the front of the line or get a free drink. Girl's gotta survive.
But let's be real, if you're mad at me because your man's looking, maybe check who's shaking it for him on Instagram first. I can't help it if he's got the attention span of a TikTok squirrel.
Office Supplies, Doge Drama, & Friends
Remember Friends? The toner guy ready to jump? That's the CIA in 1953—window shopping gone wrong. If you're about to lose it over office supplies, maybe get a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it's a season finale—no reruns, just chaos.
#FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory
And Doge, by the way—dog blind, you wish you were us. Even Deez is waiting to grow because of your spun, live, luv show.
#DogeWatch
Walmart Spanish & Everyday Idiocracy
I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish—if it's not on a flashcard, don't expect me to roll my R's. My ex said I can't snowbird yet, so I'm stuck in aisle 5 with the gringos, asking, "¿Quiere una bolsa?" and hoping they don't reply too fast.
Zen day? NAH, I'm all over the place—caught your head at BK Lounge, call me Dane Cook, cause I wouldn't let them eat the hook! Where the blow jobs at? Someone's lying, cause idiocracy is off the charts—half my friends are tinman, the other half think they have no heart to beat again! Ty NASA LSD, but I'll stick to being lazy—I ain't walkin' barefoot nowhere! HeydeeZ! Luv you blind ass, it's cool she dunno it's me! Adelle!!!!!
George Lopez, you love L.A., but can you even tell California from Baja? San Quintín's got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.
Religious Roast: Holier Than Thou or Just Full of Holes?
#cat ho l ic ((k(#$) i am woah man hear me r+oar? meow lol
Every church claims the "real truth," but half the time, they're just remixing the same old rules to fit whoever's in charge. One says dancing is a sin, another says it's fine if you tithe extra. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equal—so if you skipped Sunday brunch with your mom, congrats, you're in the same club as murderers. Hope you like your afterlife roommate, Adolf!
Bible's "authenticity"? Please. That book's had more edits than a reality TV show. You think emperors and popes just sat back and let the peasants write whatever they wanted? Nah, they were slipping in rules left and right—"Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," "Don't question the guy in the fancy hat." Sounds less like divine inspiration and more like a medieval HR manual.
Churches love to call out everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. They'll forgive the choir lady for gossip, but if you show up with tattoos, suddenly you're the Antichrist. They preach about loving your neighbor, then split the church over the color of the carpet. If Jesus came back today and didn't fit their expectations—wrong look, wrong background, maybe even missing a few parts—they'd probably kick him out for not having the right paperwork.
Shoutout to Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses—y'all are proof that when it comes to religion, the only thing holier than thou… is the plot holes.
Cops & Commandos: Polyester Parade
Police—flash those badges like magic talismans, but the only thing you make disappear is public trust. "Protect and serve"? More like "protect your pension and serve attitude." You bust lemonade stands and miss the real criminals—classic. Maybe if you spent less time writing parking tickets and more time building community, you wouldn't need to hide behind riot shields.
Military Roast:
Army: First in, last to realize the GPS was upside down.
Navy: Seven months at sea, still can't parallel park.
Marines: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't, paint it. If it's hot, marry it.
Air Force: Deploys to five-star hotels and calls it "combat."
Coast Guard: Seasick in a bathtub.
Space Force: Still waiting for their first alien DUI checkpoint.
FBI, DEA, ATF, ICE—y'all make the DMV look efficient. If you teamed up, maybe you'd catch the break room snack thief (spoiler: it's always the Coast Guard).
Parenting: Toddlers, Teens & Gentlemen Friends
People say men are dogs, women are cats, but teenagers? They're the real cats—hissing, demanding, ammo ready.
I hated toddlers. Don't judge—toddlers are tiny drunk demolition experts. My kid threw his head into the wall for fun! I locked them in at night—better than sleepwalking into the forest. Did it work? No. Houdini in diapers stacked furniture to escape.
Now they're older, more laughs. My daughter cries at ASPCA commercials, calls them idiots, then bawls over a duck. I said, "You just said 'fuck' and 'duck' in the same sentence!" She said, "Yeah, but you didn't cry!" Parenting: where the bar for emotional stability is just not crying at ducks.
You can bleep "fuck" on TV, but kids say it all the time. "Have a great fuckin' day!" = positive. "Fuck, that sucks" = empathy. "Fuck you" = maybe not so positive.
My son had a "gentleman friend" once. Yeah, a "gentleman." Except this guy? He was being a fuckin' dick the whole time. Like, come on, if you're gonna be a gentleman, at least act like one! But nope, just full-on dick mode. Kids see everything—they're not impressed.
Santa, Priests, Nuns, & Raunch
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year—unlike Vatican priests who never stop delivering.
My wife asked me to spoon, but I'd rather fork. At least then someone's getting poked.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off—like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don't worry, the Pope will bless the kid—he's got experience with surprises.
If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again—just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. Monica, you got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. At least I'm not Pelosi—she won't do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.
Wild Law & Thug Roast: The Toxic Tango
The law and the thugs? Two sides of the same busted coin.
ANd
Cops need criminals to justify th~e i
Watch Miss Congeniality (official site): https://www.warnerbros.com/movies/miss-congeniality
Sandra Bullock news and filmography: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/topic/Sandra-Bullock/movies
Disney no need to sue-I'm just a copyright dude.
Official Walt Disney website: https://thewaltdisneycompany.com