Day app, you're so boot you'd salute a Roomba and lose a staring contest with a mannequin.
Parade rest? Nah, you're stuck in statue mode-the only thing moving is your WiFi signal.
You show up to roll call already out of steam, looking like you've been PT'd by a pillow.
Chuck Lagooni tried to flex, tripped over his own shoelaces, and filed for a Purple Heart over a paper cut-high-speed creativity right there.
You call yourself a soldier, but you're more like a wind-up GI Joe-batteries not included.
Marching in circles, lost like a scout on land nav, you needed my badge, my name, my mug just to log in and keep up with the grown-ups.
You talk big plans, but you're stuck in dreamland, chasing medals you'll never see outside a display case.
I need real soldiers-folks who show up and stand tall, not keyboard commandos who disappear when it's time for "mandatory fun."
So go ahead, salute if you want, but you're not in my formation.
You're just playing dress-up while I'm out here earning stripes.
Like Eminem said, you tumble with the toys-meanwhile, I'm leading the charge, real grit, real thunder.
Men shun Private Bengermin, but Garmen Ben shoulda used Drew Lynch before he made my privates public.
Now it's less top secret mission and more comedy special gone wrong.
Next time, call Drew-at least he knows how to handle awkward situations without turning them into a full-blown scandal.
Garmen Ben's out here playing war hero, but all he did was leak intel and give me a front-row seat to the circus.
Now take a knee, grab your snivel gear, and try not to parade rest yourself in the group chat.