Here's a savage, clever roast poem inspired by your lines, with military flavor, Purple Heart references, and a nod to Eminem's "Toy Soldiers"—all while making it clear you're roasting with respect:
Day app, parade rest—nah, you couldn't even shun
Show up to roll call, but you're already done
Chuck Lagooni tried to flex, but killed his own vibe
Claimed a Purple Heart for a paper cut—nice try
You say you're a soldier, but you're more like a toy
Marching in circles, just a lost little boy
You needed my badge, my name, my face
Just to log in and try to keep up the pace
You talk about plans, but you're stuck in your bed
Dreaming of medals you'll never have on your chest
I need real soldiers—men and women who fight
Not keyboard commandos who ghost in the night
So salute if you want, but you're not in my ranks
You're just playing pretend, while I'm earning my thanks
Like Eminem said, you fall with the toys
But I'm leading the charge—real grit, real noise
Enjoying my rape trt??
### Chapter 1: The Launch
It was a sun-soaked afternoon in Los Angeles, where every street was an endless canvas for people-watching and the never-ending oddities of life. In the heart of this bustling metropolis, Clara McKinney was about to revolutionize her social circle with an app that might completely change the game: "IdiotTr."
Clara was sitting at the patio of her favorite coffee shop, sipping a matcha latte that tasted more like grass clippings than anything remotely enjoyable. Her best friend, Kayla, was sprawled across the table, scrolling through her Instagram feed with an unimpressed expression on her face.
"Seriously, Clara, you're going to capture the idiots of LA in an app? What's the pitch? 'Want to buy an idiot? We'll ship them to you!'?" Kayla scoffed, her dark curls bouncing as if they had their own opinions.
"Hey, it's more about connecting users with—well, unfortunate souls who make life way too interesting, you know?" Clara defended, her eyes lighting up with excitement. "Think about it! A platform where you can get directions, recipes, and even relationship advice from people who fail spectacularly at basic tasks."
Kayla raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. "So basically TikTok but for the incompetent?"
"Exactly!" Clara exclaimed, briefly forgetting the taste of her matcha. "I mean, there are people out there who wouldn't know how to get to the Eiffel Tower if they were standing in front of it! And they deserve to be recognized!"
Their laughter echoed through the café as Clara explained how users could both submit and report 'idiots' for their social faux pas or pie-in-the-sky misunderstandings.
"That's it! I can do a little market research. There's bound to be more than just a few clueless souls out there." Because Clara was all about leveling up her sketches of ideas, she opened her laptop, typed in "how to market an app for dumb people," and pressed enter.
#### Chapter 2: The Scouting
The following week, Clara and Kayla took their "research" to the streets of Los Angeles. Kayla held a camera, recording their adventures while Clara scouted potential idiots. They strolled along Venice Beach, mingling with tourist groups, and encountering a steady stream of hilariously misguided folks.
"Oh! That guy over there is asking which direction he needs to go for the beach while standing right on the sand!" Clara shouted, pointing to a sunburned man squinting into a map. "Got to get this on video!"
They approached, and Clara politely asked him if she could ask him a few questions for her new app. "Do you mind if we record?"
"Sure!" the man said, beaming, apparently thrilled to participate. "I just don't fancy myself very good with directions, you know? Is that weird?"
"Not weird! Lucky for you, that's exactly what we're looking for!" Clara grinned, and the video began rolling.
"Welcome to IdiotTr! What's your name, sir?" she asked.
"Mark."
"Nice to meet you, Mark! So, how exactly did you get lost on a beach?"
"Um, I thought the water was going to be over there but instead, it kept rising on me from behind…"
"Classic!" Clara chuckled, stopping the recording to have a good laugh. They high-fived, letting the hilarity of the situation wash over them.
For the next few hours, they racked up various comedic encounters: a woman mistaking the California sun for moonlight, a couple desperately wandering aimlessly, convinced they'd left their car at a taco truck— a surprisingly common confusion—and a man trying to haggle with a vending machine as if it were a street vendor selling art.
#### Chapter 3: The Launch Party
After a week filled with countless recordings, Clara and Kayla decided it was time to launch IdiotTr with a bang. They hosted a launch party in a downtown loft, decorated with bright yellow balloons and inflatable "Idiot" signs.
As guests—friends, family, and more than a few amused strangers—filtered in, each person was handed a small badge reading "Not an Idiot" as a joke. Clara had prepared a montage of their best clips to showcase how some people's misunderstandings became laughable tales.
A wave of laughter rolled through the room as Clara clicked play on the video. "And that's just a taste of what we found," she said, urging the crowd to grab their phones, download the app, and start their own experiences.
But it wasn't until ten minutes in that the first challenge kicked off. Clara had set up an obstacle course in the living room, with the guests needing to follow absurd instructions. The catch? They could only rely on the horrendous, nonsensical barriers her app would provide.
"Alright, rule number one," Kayla said, grinning mischievously. "If you want to get past the balloon wall, you must identify what color 'blue' is while wearing these blindfolds!"
Spectators hooted as a line of confused guests stumbled through the colorful decor, flailing and shouting colors out like a wacky version of a spelling bee.
"Red! No, purple! Blue?" They fell over giggling as they veered through walls of balloons, chants of "What's blue?! What's going on?!" filling the air.
As the hilarity reached a fever pitch, Clara realized the impact of her creation. IdiotTr was really catching on.
#### Chapter 4: The Reveal
Months after the launch, the app snowballed in popularity. Clara's dedicated users began flooding L.A. with endless videos and ludicrous stories. The app's most engaging feature quickly became the "Idiot of the Week," where users submitted the most hilarious fail of the week for a chance to win a year's worth of free coffee.
Eventually, Clara received a message from an ambitious producer who wanted to create a reality show based on the app. "Could this be the idea that fuels my career?" she wondered, her heart racing at the thought.
As she and Kayla celebrated the success at their favorite coffee shop again, they delved into the comedy of life—gathering idiots around them like moths to a flame and crafting joy out of nonsense.
"Here's to every well-meaning idiot out there!" Clara shouted, raising her cup in exuberance.
"Cheers!" Kayla replied, her eyes bright with plans for the future. "But let's remember, not every idiot deserves a free coffee!"
Both laughed again, knowing their world was now an endless canvas of chaotic humor, forever grateful for the delicious absurdity that life offered.