Max stood at the edge of the summoning chamber, wearing a pair of enchanted black trousers and a sleeveless tunic that clung a little too tightly to his abs. Apparently, the Goddess of Lust believed in dressing her champions like sexy gladiators with zero storage space.
"Are there no backpacks in this world?" he asked, tugging at the waistband. "Or shirts that cover nipples?"
The bunny-eared mage, Poppy, tilted her head. "Why would you want to cover them? You've got good chest stats. Helps with seduction rolls."
Max sighed. "Right. Fantasy world. Logic's on vacation."
Behind him, the rest of the party was gearing up. The knight—her name was Irina—tightened her gauntlets with a grunt. Her thighs gleamed like polished marble under moonlight. Max did his best not to stare, but she moved with that kind of terrifying elegance that screamed "dominate me" and "protect the realm" at the same time.
"First mission," Irina said, her voice sharp. "Goblin nest. North of the Lustwood."
Max blinked. "Wait, hold on—'Lustwood'?"
Poppy nodded cheerfully. "It's a real place. You'll love it. Everything's slightly moist and aggressively flirty."
"I've been here an hour and the world already sounds like a porn parody."
The demoness, Zephyra, floated lazily on a hovering disc of dark flame. She licked a red popsicle despite no visible source of cold. "You'll get used to it. Lustwood is full of curious flora. Just don't let anything with tentacles near your pants."
"I'm sorry, what?!"
Irina cut in, drawing a sword longer than Max was tall. "Focus. The goblins have been raiding merchant caravans. Weak, but clever in numbers. We clear the nest, we get paid. You, contractor, stay close and don't—"
"Try to bang the goblins?" Max offered.
"—die," Irina finished flatly.
The goddess's voice echoed briefly from above. "Also don't bang the goblins. Your contract level isn't high enough to survive interspecies STDs yet."
Max threw his hands in the air. "You're making this sound like I'll eventually be allowed to bang goblins."
Poppy giggled. "Only the high-level ones."
Max buried his face in his hands. "This is insane."
Zephyra patted his shoulder. "Relax. Just treat it like an internship. With boobs. And blood."
The ground rumbled slightly as a warp portal opened near the back wall. A swirling vortex of pink magic appeared, complete with heart-shaped sparkles and suspiciously moaning wind sounds.
"Portal to Lustwood is ready," Poppy said cheerfully.
Max took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and stepped toward the shimmering portal of moaning sparkles.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered.
"You died to a banana peel," Zephyra said. "Anything from here is a step up."
With a reluctant groan and visible regret, Max stepped through.
Max stumbled out of the portal and immediately landed face-first in a pile of what he assumed was enchanted moss. It smelled like perfume and poor decisions.
"Ughhh. Why does everything here smell like a soap commercial made by perverts?"
Poppy hopped out behind him, ears wiggling in delight. "That's Lustwood for you. The trees whisper suggestive things, the rivers moan when you bathe in them, and I once saw a flower give someone a hickey."
Max sat up. "This place is cursed."
"No, no," Zephyra corrected, sauntering out of the portal like a demonic catwalk model. "It's blessed. By the goddess. Big difference."
Irina marched past them, scanning the tree line with practiced eyes. "Enough chatter. The goblin den is up that hill. Four tunnels. Tight quarters. Expect traps."
Poppy's eyes sparkled. "Ooh, tight quarters? Sounds like a perfect place for a bonding session."
Max gave her a look. "Define bonding."
"Don't worry," she winked. "I'll explain with diagrams later."
The party made their way through the forest path. Vines curled suggestively at their ankles, birds chirped melodies suspiciously similar to moaning, and Max swore he saw a squirrel give him bedroom eyes.
After twenty minutes, they reached the mouth of a cave.
"This is it," Irina said, drawing her sword. "Max, you stay behind me. Watch our flanks. Don't wander. Don't touch glowing mushrooms. Don't accept drinks from goblins."
"Got it. Don't touch anything and avoid unsolicited rave invites."
They entered.
The goblin den was cramped and humid, lit by bioluminescent mushrooms that pulsed gently with a pink glow. Max trailed at the back, heart pounding. He had no armor, no weapon, and his "class" still hadn't explained how to fight—unless he planned on seducing them to death.
Zephyra floated above the ground, casting orbs of fire that hovered over their heads like horny lanterns.
Suddenly, a rustle.
Poppy shouted, "Incoming! Left tunnel!"
Goblins burst from the shadows—small, green, naked, and terrifyingly enthusiastic. They wielded rusty knives and squealed like angry toddlers on sugar highs.
Irina charged without hesitation. "For the Goddess and personal boundaries!"
Steel clashed. Zephyra torched two with a flick of her wrist. Poppy fired glowing heart-shaped bolts from her staff, knocking goblins into the wall with squeaky yelps.
Max stood frozen.
Then one goblin lunged at him with a dagger.
"Ah, crap!"
Instinct kicked in. He held up his hands—and suddenly, a glowing pink scroll exploded to life in front of him. A magical contract appeared midair, spinning like a wheel of fortune on MDMA.
Emergency Pact Option Triggered! Choose Partner!
Five portraits flickered in front of him: Poppy, Irina, Zephyra, and two unknown silhouettes.
He panicked and slapped Zephyra's face.
"Contract me!" he yelled.
Zephyra's eyes gleamed. "Oh honey. You're gonna regret asking like that."
Light exploded.
The goblin was incinerated in a burst of demonic fire laced with what sounded suspiciously like moaning.
Max blinked. "Did I just level up… by yelling at a horny demon?"
Zephyra grinned. "Welcome to the team, Dungeon Daddy."