So I'm just chilling on my couch, right? Phone in hand, pizza box right next to me, and then BOOM—suddenly I'm standing completely naked in what looks like some fancy-ass medieval bathroom. No warning, no magic portal shit, nothing. Just me, birthday suit and all, in a whole different world.
"What the fuck?" I spin around trying to figure out where I am. This bathroom is insane—marble and gold everywhere with a tub you could swim laps in. Fancy oils and perfumes all over the shelves, and it smells like flowers and rich people.
That's when I realize something's seriously wrong. These aren't my hands. These definitely aren't my abs—since when do I have abs?
And holy shit, this is NOT my dick. I'm staring down at my new equipment completely shocked but, not gonna lie, kinda impressed too.
Whoever's body I've taken over is seriously packing. Previous dude was blessed, and now I'm the one benefiting.
I catch my reflection in this metal mirror on the wall. Dark hair, blue eyes, jaw that could cut glass—basically I look like one of those guys on romance novel covers holding a sword or some swooning chick.
Athletic build, broad shoulders, perfect proportions. It's like I got upgraded from the cheap seats to VIP in the body department.
"It's really funny how I got transported naked to a Duke's wife's bathroom," I say to myself. "Like how and why am I even in this fool's body?"
Before I can check things out more, the door swings open. This woman walks in and freezes when she sees me standing there in all my naked glory.
She's gorgeous—probably mid-thirties, auburn hair partly pinned up, and features that scream "I'm rich as fuck." Her silk robe hugs curves that definitely put her in MILF territory, and for a second, we just stare at each other.
Her eyes drift down south, and I swear they get a little wider before she switches to outrage mode.
"GUARDS!" she screams, clutching her robe tighter. "INTRUDER IN MY CHAMBERS!"
"Wait, wait!" I hold up my hands, suddenly very aware I've got nothing to cover myself with.
"I can explain! Actually, I can't explain shit, but I'm just as confused as you are!"
I hear heavy footsteps, and the door bursts open again. Three dudes in actual medieval armor charge in with swords drawn like we're in some Game of Thrones episode.
"Lady Vivienne, stand back!" one of them shouts.
So her name's Vivienne. And "Lady" Vivienne at that. I'm starting to get a really bad feeling about all this.
"Seize him!" she orders, her voice steady even though her cheeks are flushed. Is it just me, or did her eyes check out my package one more time before the guards grab me?
"Look, there's been a mistake," I try while they rough me up. "I just got here! Different dimension! Different body! Can I at least get a towel?"
The guards don't give a shit about my explanation. One of them smacks something hard against the back of my head, and everything goes dark.
I wake up with my head pounding like I've been on a three-day bender. Opening my eyes, I find myself in what's basically a medieval county jail cell.
Stone walls with sketchy stains, straw on the floor, iron bars, and a wooden bucket in the corner that I'm pretty sure is the toilet.
At least I'm not naked anymore—though these clothes barely count. Rough fabric tunic and pants that smell like they've been worn by multiple dudes who've never heard of deodorant.
"Rise and shine, adulterer," a guard grunts from outside my cell.
His beard is wild, and his teeth look like they're actively rotting. "The Duke wants your head for trying to seduce his wife."
"Adulterer?" I laugh, which makes my head hurt worse. "Buddy, I literally just got here. If appearing naked and confused counts as seduction, then your standards are sad as hell."
The guard spits on the floor. "Save your strange words for the judge.
Lady Vivienne was most disturbed by your... display." The way he says "display" makes it obvious he's talking about my junk.
"Lady Vivienne. So that's her name. And she's a Duke's wife?"
I groan and sit up, surprised that I actually feel pretty good despite getting knocked out and thrown in a dungeon.
This body seems tough—strong, energetic, like I could run for miles even after taking a hit to the head.
Back home, I'd get winded walking up stairs.
"When's the trial?" I ask.
"Soon," the guard says, super unhelpfully. "The Duke is eager for justice."
"I bet he is," I mutter. "Nothing says 'I'm secure in my masculinity' like executing a guy your wife found naked in her bathroom."
Two more guards show up, whispering to my bearded friend. I can't hear everything, but I catch bits about "the naked man" and "Lady Vivienne's chambers" and "impressive endowment." Great.
My dick is already famous in this medieval fantasy world.
Through the tiny window in my cell, I can see it's morning. I've been out all night. I try to make sense of what happened.
One minute I'm on Earth, the next I'm in some fantasy world in someone else's body. It's like a bad isekai anime plot, except instead of getting powers and a harem, I'm about to be executed for flashing a nobleman's wife.
"The nobles are gathering," my guard announces. "Time to face judgment."
They unlock the cell and chain my wrists before leading me out. As we walk, I notice I'm taller than all of them.
This body is seriously built—broad shoulders, narrow waist, strong legs. Whatever poor bastard I've body-snatched was in great shape.
We march through stone hallways that open into this massive hall full of people in ridiculous outfits.
Dudes in puffy pants, women in elaborate dresses with weird waistlines. The ceiling is super high with huge stone columns, and banners hanging everywhere.
If I wasn't about to be executed, I'd appreciate the medieval architecture more.
In the middle of the room is a platform with a stern old man in flowing robes.
Next to him sits a red-faced guy in his fifties wearing a small crown—must be the Duke, based on the murderous looks he's giving me.
And there, sitting slightly behind him, is Lady Vivienne, looking all innocent and offended but—am I imagining it?—occasionally glancing at me with something that doesn't look like pure disgust.
"Now here I am," I sigh as they push me forward. "My first trial is so tiresome.
Many of these bastards here suggested I should be killed.
Yeah, I wish I could kill this fool whose body I'm in, but I am now the new fool."
The guard shoves me to my knees in front of the platform.
The hall goes quiet as the judge looks down at me like I'm trash.
"Prisoner," the old man says all formal-like, "you stand accused of trespassing in the Duke's private chambers and attempting to seduce the Lady Vivienne.
How do you explain your presence, naked, in her ladyship's bathroom?"