There is no light here.
There is no form, no sound, no world, not one that brims with energy, not one that is filled with both happiness and its enemy.
Not a web for both great tragedy and deep ecstasy.
Instead, I am faced with the blinding truth that the place where "I" am at is a very deep nothingness.
In fact, who am I?
I don't remember my name, and I certainly don't remember my face. Even though I understand the concept of a "body", I have no idea how it feels to be in one— isn't a body just a prison? A prison made of flesh and blood?
Thoughts… thoughts are blooming in my mind.
I can't see, and I can't escape the blackness that follows my thoughts, so it is better to let them crush my mind… maybe in the past, there would be something called loneliness, something called despair that followed, yet I was not someone who could understand those feelings.
Much less reciprocate them.
Some length passed before I remembered anything at all, but as the slow passing of time slurred together into the tick tock of the universal clock, I began to feel used to it, like it was comforting me.
Loneliness.
So that is what I felt.
The silky smoothness juxtaposed with the barren roughness of their hands remains fresh on what used to be my pale skin, but now that is just a memory. But somehow, I long for it, because I feel that I have disappointed them.
By them, I mean the owners… of those hands.
For a time after that, I tried to remember their faces, but they were always obscured by something— it was like a veil, something alive that moved to hide their existence from me. And then, I felt something like anger.
I… felt something!
I did!
So their lost whispers were not just a whisper.
An unspoken myth.
Still, it did not change the fact that I was alone. Because I was everything, and everything was me, I shouldn't have taken up the hope that I could be anything else. Over time, I realized that whatever was born in my boundaries, it was "me".
I realized that this was my body— pulsing with a heartbeat I no longer had.
But one should take care of their body, should they not?
So I did.
Day after day, I endlessly thought to myself, murmured until even my mind could not take it anymore. I tried anything and everything to scrape up knowledge of what I once was, and how I could return to it.
Was I aware that now, I was all-powerful?
Omnipotent?
Omniscient?
Yes…
I am aware.
I am always aware.
A girl's laughter floated in the air, a haunting chill that triggered feelings within me that I didn't know existed. I felt my nonexistent hands wanting to reach out for her as if my very being craved her touch. From there, the bits and pieces of memory, torn as if they were pages from a book, built upon one another.
Yes…
Finally!
I can learn more.
It's my reason to exist.
Again, some time passed, and I knew more.
A promise.
I failed to keep a promise.
Although I did not know what that promise was— I could not even bear to remember my own voice— I knew that it had been important, and that I had disappointed the ones to whom I had made the promise.
Mmm, that was incredibly coherent of me.
It's nice to know that there are always new things.
Even in this endless void of mine.
Maybe before, a tinge of melancholy would wash over me as I learned of this fact, but not now. My mind hungered for knowledge, and knowledge came to me. I observed secrets which I did not even realize myself.
A fracture…
A blade…
It ran deep within me, and I hadn't even noticed it for all this time? Even though I was omniscient, this was something that was much too well-hidden. Could this be a sign that others still existed?
Quickly, I overturned that idea.
That might be the worst thing.
Just imagine how I would explain this to them?
I shudder to think of it.
Two parts.
I found that I was split into two parts, two that were very distinct from each other. I was more in control of the right side, while the left side was somewhat obscured from me— could I no longer call myself omniscient?
How laughable…
Laughable?
It's interesting how I can feel these things.
But not unreasonable, because I enjoy them.
Feeling new things.
Learning about days long past.
Maybe I should just…
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
W-wait…. J-just wait a second here, this isn't right… What is this? D-damn… this f-feeling, th-this dread clawing my b-body, what is it? It's so sudden, I feel like I'm being attacked, the fear…
I-Is this fear?
Like a dream, my thoughts bloomed in front of me as I came to realize what I was feeling. It was a primordial fear, something that ate away at my very soul, devouring me as if I was but a snack. But I did not succumb to it.
I only remembered.
Nightmares.
A dream…
A horrifying dream.
How many times…
Just how many times has it been?
It isn't like I can count, numbers mean nothing in this place. I'm not even sure what the concept of a "number" truly is. It is more like the law has been inherently built in my body against my will…
And considering I was here from the beginning, I fear that.
Because it means there is something else here.
Something I do not know.
The fear of not being alone in this vast expanse.
It is very real.
As is the cycle.
I remember a rhythm:
I fall.
I rise.
I fall again.
I try.
Her voice was like the sweet rose-colored sky during the sunset, her lips were as pink as the cherries that we plucked from the sturdy blossoms every weekend, and her gorgeous eyes were a piercing gray, a vision that tore into my flesh with compassion and love.
Her memory stabs my heart.
So why can't I remember her name?
Why…
Why?
I failed her, and it's all over now.
I could rest.
I should rest.
Letting the story unravel before me, slumbering as the commandments take hold, as people worship my name, hushing each other and whispering so they do not take missteps in my presence, while they stand unaware.
Letting all my questions die unanswered…
One day, I won't exist anymore.
It is my truth.
Somewhere, I hear that child cry again.
Their hand reaches to me, reaching for my light.
My… light?
He reaches for me?
And only me?
He dares to shape himself into my will?
…
Beautiful.
What can I say?
It's breathtaking.
This time, I won't chase salvation.
This time, I will become the reason it exists.
While the end is inevitable…
This moment is as well.
Nobody will remember me.
But I am the one who sculpts the world with my mere thought.
A god…
Yes, that is what I am. I am the grandfather, the unknowing god.
I don't take joy in it.
I don't take pride in it.
I am an undisputed chaos.
A sin branded upon the universe.
But I do not fall.
I do not rise.
I simply… begin.
I do not take my first breath… I give it to them.
To the world that does not remember me.
To the story yet to be told.
To a fate without tragedy.
I do not have a name.
Not yet.
But I will.
I will suffer again.
I will love again.
I will fall again.
Until I… Don't.
Until there is a different ending.
Until the story chooses something else.
Until I do.
My ending marks my first breath…
And my birth marks my last journey.