Act One: Yuan Shao's "Jizhou Mega Sale"
Amid the ruins of Luoyang, Yuan Shao lounged luxuriously inside a makeshift VIP tent. Two maids tended to him—one applying a shimmering gold facial mask, the other delicately filing his nails.
"Lord Yuan, your nails are simply divine. They look like works of art!" flattered Maid A-Hua.
Yuan Shao twitched his freshly manicured fingers with pride. "Of course. This alliance leader has dreams of becoming a nailfluencer."
Just then, his advisor Feng Ji burst in, panic on his face. In his haste, he tripped over the tent threshold and executed a flawless knee-slide right to Yuan Shao's feet.
"M-My Lord! We have a crisis!" he panted. "Your nail photo got stolen—Han Fu reposted it without credit!"
Yuan Shao shot upright, his gold facial mask flopping onto the floor with a wet smack. "What?! That coward Han Fu? He's been squatting in Jizhou doing nothing, and now he dares to steal my content?!"
Feng Ji leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, "My Lord… Jizhou is a juicy prize. Full granaries, booming trade, real estate still undervalued…"
Yuan Shao's eyes darted slyly. A wicked, merchant-like grin spread across his face. "Heh. I've got a plan…"
The next day, warlord Gongsun Zan received a lavish brocade box. Inside lay a golden-foil invitation that read:
[Exclusive Offer – For Esteemed Gongsun Zan]
You are cordially invited to the
"Jizhou 11.11 Shopping Carnival"!
Special promo:
Join the attack on Jizhou and enjoy our "Buy One Get One Free" invasion discount!
Early-bird bonus (Top 3 attackers):
✓ Autographed Yuan Shao photo album
✓ Limited-time "Overlord of Hebei" title
✓ Chance to win VIP tickets to the Yuan Shao Concert!
Terms and conditions apply. Final interpretation rights belong to Yuan Shao Group.
After reading, Gongsun Zan laughed so hard he nearly fell off his chair. "Pfft! Yuan Benchu really thinks I'm stupid enough to fall for this scam?"
His advisor Guan Jing frowned. "My lord, this reeks of a trap."
Gongsun Zan twirled his mustache, then suddenly grinned. "I know. But…"
He leaned closer. "Tell Yuan Shao I'm in. But I want 100% of the equity—no discounts."
Guan Jing's glasses nearly popped off. "L-Lord, are you—?"
Zan winked. "Yuan Benchu wants to play dirty? So can I. Ready the troops—tell Zilong to warm up. We're going shopping in Jizhou!"
Act Two: The "Double 11" Battle of Pan River
At the Pan River, Gongsun Zan stood with his elite cavalry unit—the "White Horse Express." Each rider wore gleaming silver armor and rode snow-white horses. Their motto? "Same-day delivery, or your conquest back!"
"Brothers!" Gongsun Zan shouted, rallying his men. "Today we expand our logistics empire into Jizhou! What's our mission statement?"
"Deliver the win—straight to the gate!" the troops roared.
The first wave of boats reached mid-river when suddenly, torches flared to life on the opposite bank. Yuan Shao's "Hebei Outlet Army" had been lying in wait, led by General Qu Yi.
"Dear customers!" Qu Yi yelled through a megaphone. "Your 'Surprise Loot Box' has arrived! Contents include:
10,000 arrows 500 rolling boulders 100 vats of boiling water!
Remember to leave a 5-star review!"
"Damn it!" Gongsun Zan shouted, dodging the first volley of arrows. "What happened to the holiday discounts?! This is definitely a one-star review!"
His silver-clad troops were quickly splattered in red. Deflecting arrows with his blade, Zan bellowed, "Yuan Shao! You dirty reseller! I'm reporting you to the Imperial Consumer Protection Bureau!"
Just then, a thunder of hooves—General Wen Chou charged in, snake-spear aimed at Gongsun Zan's throat. "Here's your 'Negative Feedback Bundle'—express delivery!"
Before the fatal strike landed, a blur of white zipped through the chaos.
"Zhao Zilong, at your service!" A dazzling young general with sword-like brows rode in on a white horse, silver spear in hand. With one swift strike, he knocked Wen Chou's helmet clean off.
Wen Chou felt the wind on his suddenly exposed scalp. "Damn! I paid a whole silver tael for that hairdo!"
Zhao Yun smiled politely. "Dear customer, please remember to leave a five-star review~"
Wen Chou roared in fury. "Screw your reviews!" He lunged again but was driven back three steps.
As night fell, Zhao Yun stood alone on the ruined bridge, his once-white robe now stained crimson—"Limited Edition: Bloodstained Courier." On the far shore, Yuan Shao's men stared in awe.
"Dude… this delivery guy's too hardcore."
"Yeah, he's been holding that bridge since noon."
"Maybe… we should fight tomorrow?"
Yuan Shao, watching from the rear, stomped in rage. "Useless! You can't even beat a freakin' courier?! Get back out there!"
Act Three: Sun Jian's "Imperial Seal Drift Adventure"
By the Yangtze River, Sun Jian sat gazing solemnly at the Imperial Seal he'd fished out of an old well. Under candlelight, the gem-studded treasure glowed seductively.
"Mandate of Heaven… Eternal Prosperity…" he muttered. "Imagine the likes I'd get if I posted this on Moments…"
Suddenly, General Cheng Pu rushed in. "My Lord! Bad news! Liu Biao is enforcing a Yangtze River blockade—we can't cross!"
Sun Jian slammed the seal on the table. "Outrageous! I'm using SF Express priority shipping! He dares delay my order?!"
Veteran General Huang Gai suggested, "Should we switch to ground shipping?"
Han Dang shook his head. "That'd take us through Yuan Shu's territory. That guy's got worse rates than the black market."
At that moment, young Sun Ce burst in. "Dad! It's obviously a trap! Liu Biao's setting us up for a negative review ambush! He's hiding in Fancheng, waiting to jump us!"
Sun Jian waved dismissively. "Relax! I'm the founder of 'Jiangdong Venture Capital.' You think I've never seen a fake listing before?"
That night, Sun Jian had a strange dream. The Imperial Seal transformed into a sultry woman wearing a dragon robe, who batted her eyes at him.
"Sun lang~ Take me home~ I'll give you a red packet…"
At dawn, Sun Jian's army marched past Mount Xian. Suddenly, from the mountaintop came a familiar tune:
"Picking lotus in the south, leaves lush and green…"
"Wait… isn't that a karaoke hit back in Jiangdong?" Sun Jian frowned—then the sky darkened.
Arrows rained down. On the ridge, General Cai Mao held a loudspeaker. "Sun CEO! Your 'Heart-Piercing Arrow Package' has arrived! Includes:
999 poisoned arrows 666 rolling logs 233 pots of boiling oil!
Don't forget to leave a review~"
Sun Jian shouted in alarm, "Retreat! It's a scam site!"
But it was too late. In the chaos, the Imperial Seal tumbled off a cliff and splashed into the river with a dignified plop.
Far away in Jiangdong, little Sun Quan sneezed. "Weird… Did someone just mess with my inheritance?"
Bonus Scene: Yuan Shao's "Customer Review Photo Shoot"
After the battle, Yuan Shao sat smugly in the Jizhou Governor's Hall, counting his loot.
"White Horse Express shipping fee: 5,000 taels" "Bridge repair fund: 3,000 taels" "New helmet for Wen Chou: 888 taels" "PR cleanup (deleting bad reviews): 2,000 taels"
Feng Ji whispered, "My Lord, now that you're the boss of Jizhou… Should we post a status update?"
Yuan Shao's eyes lit up. "Yes! Take a photo—I want that 'Overbearing CEO' vibe!"
He posed dramatically:
Reviewing documents (actually the lunch menu) Pointing at a map (actually a Meituan delivery route) Petting his horse (which kicked him mid-photo)
Finally, a perfect shot. He posted with the caption:
"Successfully took over Jizhou CBD! Thanks for the support, fam!
Special shoutouts to:
@GongsunZan for his guest appearance
@HanFu for generous sponsorship
#HebeiOverlord #GrandOpening #LikeAndFollow"
Elsewhere, Gongsun Zan angrily DM'ed him: "Bro, where's my 50% equity?!"
Yuan Shao replied instantly: "Dear customer, all final interpretation rights belong to our company~"
Followed by: "But hey, I'll throw in a signed photo as a thank-you gift~"
Zan hurled his phone. "Yuan Benchu! You dirty capitalist swindler!"
Meanwhile, young Sun Ce was packing up his father's belongings. He spotted the Imperial Seal on the ground (don't ask how it got there again), wiped it clean, and stared at it with resolve.
"Don't worry, Dad. I'll make sure this scam gets avenged."