Some memories don't ask to be remembered, they just bloom the moment silence arrives.
I didn't speak anything in front of my parents, I simply closed the door and let the silence devour me in that dark room. I won't speak, not tonight. Not when my world feels too fragile to be held together by anything louder than the silence. I hold my old diary, the diary which was given by my father on my sixteenth birthday. He used to say that writing even a little thing will remind us who we are when the world tries to make us forget who we are.
My diary, it was entitled with "Nyara's diary" with cute little heart by its side. A soft smell of rose with mould felt like the paper soaked in time. Even though everything is falling apart, this one thing hasn't betrayed me. Ink, it has a way of remembering what we try to forget. Just like now. As I flip through the pages, I got attached to every word as if it has just happened now.
I still remember that morning, I dreamed about my grandma's hand, brushing my hair behind my ears while my head is rested on her lap. She always said "You feel everything too deeply, little girl. Time will arrive when love will come at your door as well, make sure what you want. You should choose to open the door but wisely" I woke up with that same ache in my chest. At the beginning of the high school, everything felt new. Though it had already been a month of being a grade 10 student, it was like being dropped into a world I hadn't quite become the part of it.
Maya slid into the seat beside me, her grin as mischievous as ever. She said to me that she wanted me to meet someone later, but for that we need to go to the music club. She gave me a wink, the same wink that had always dragged me into countless foolish but fun situations since childhood. The club was recruiting new members that day. When we stepped into the room, a jam session was on full swing. She leaned closer and whispered, "I've got a crush on one of the seniors. So why don't we join the club?"
"Oh, so you're into one of these guys" I muttered. "And now you want to drag me into this noisy place which is loud enough to burst my eardrums? And honestly, how can someone fall in love just in a month? That's ridiculous." The truth was, I loved music, and this place is too lively that made me feel a little more alive. But I don't like crowded places and still Maya always dragged me into them with the same line, "You should learn to find beauty in chaos."
And maybe she was right.
"Chill babe!" she laughed "I'm into that guy, the one sitting over there. You know, it doesn't take years for love because even a second can be enough to fall for someone. Remember?" She gestured for me to take one of the empty seats and plopped down beside me. In the room full of unfamiliar faces, suddenly, my eyes landed on a guy sitting across me. He gave me a quick glance, or at least I thought it was only for a second, but it felt like it lasted longer than it should've. Longer than a moment should ever last. I couldn't explain why, emotions flooded in as if they had been waiting for this exact moment.
He looked away. So, did I. But the storm inside me has just taken its pace. It wasn't quiet anymore.
"Who is that guy?" I whispered. Maya followed my gaze. "Ohh…him? Do you like him? That's Rian, senior. He doesn't talk much and most of them say he's cold. Still he's cute isn't it? There is no known record that my Nyara hasn't melted some cold guy's heart, usually without even trying."
"Ohh god! Shut up" I said rolling my eyes. Suddenly, the seat beside me became empty. I don't know why, maybe it was a chance or maybe it was just a coincidence, but he walked across the room and sat down next to me.
I couldn't explain it. My chest tightened and the room suddenly felt smaller. I didn't know his name but something in me already wanted to write it down. He just existed quietly beside me like he had nothing to prove to the world and that's somehow made me want to know everything about him.
I tried not to look, but I failed completely. I was staring at him foolishly, openly, without even blinking. Maya nudged me with her elbow and whispered, "Can you please stop doing that? You're eating him alive inside your mind, I know."
He started singing. A soft acoustic cover of that James Arthur song, "I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed, I'll bring you coffee with kiss on your head…."
And his voice. God.
It was deep, clean, pure, low and somehow achingly beautiful. I let myself believe he was singing for me but he was just looking at his phone. Casually scrolling it, singing like it meant nothing. And still, all I could do was listen, fall and wonder how something so ordinary could suddenly feel like the beginning of everything.
That night, I opened the diary again. The one from my father and I wrote everything.
Dear diary,
"This night seems too short to gaze upon that moon. City lights and moonlight, both are beautiful. The stars twinkle as the wind gently caresses my skin. Yet the emptiness lingers within. The moon inquires, who captivated your gaze? The stars yearn to hear your tale. How could I know, like them, I'm also clueless? I'm waiting for our path to intertwine, just like today. Together we'll create a story that even the moon and stars envy. When those glittery eyes when met mine, it felt like the waves are crashing in the sea of sky. My soul danced, a magic happened that is just too pure and right. I can't forget your voice and your eyes. I accept that I've fallen with all my heart. It didn't matter that you were not looking at me. It didn't matter that you don't even know that I exist. What really matter was… in that moment, I got to know what falling felt like. Not crashing, not breaking, just floating toward someone who didn't even know that you were flying. Still I purely say, I fall for you Rian."
I was still holding that diary, remembering that 16 years old girl. I don't know why the tears fell, they just did. Maybe because I remembered how hopeful she was. How deeply she felt without having any idea what would come next. I pity her, pity that little girl who wrote about falling in love not knowing that she's going to shed tears for her first heartbreak on the next page.