"You know…" Tanner starts after a long silence, voice soft and slightly shaken, "Standing there, listening to those elders, my father included--talk… I couldn't even breathe properly. I… just..." His voice falters like a thread snapping mid-sentence. "Jess," he whispers, barely audible now. "I'm afraid of all that I am. Afraid of what I feel for you. I've always been… ever since I found out. And today, I couldn't stop myself from wondering_ what if loving you is a losing game? What if we will always be a losing game?"
Jess goes still. His heart aches to shatter, but he holds it together, just barely.
"...But I couldn't bear the thought of being without you," Tanner goes on, arms tightening around Jess as if that could hold his spinning world still. "Right now, my mind feels like a foreign land, but the only thought that feels at home in it… is that I want you. I want to be with you."
Jess doesn't respond. His throat is tight, words lodged somewhere behind his fear and heartbreak. One wrong sound and he might fall apart completely.
"I felt jealous… when those two spoke up, you know?" Tanner's voice trembles, cracking under the weight of his own emotion. "One of them said, 'I would rather die than stand here and lie that I do not love him.' And that's what I feel sometimes… but I don't have the freedom to say it aloud."
Jess pulls him closer, unable to stay still anymore. "It's okay," he murmurs. "It doesn't have to be right now. This is something we can fight for, slowly… until they accept it."
"I don't think that will ever happen."
"Yes, it will, but it won't happen if we keep quiet and say nothin..." Jess insists, then catches himself. The frustration in his tone won't help. He pivots, voice softer. "So… what did you do with them? How did you judge them?" he asks hesitantly, silently praying Tanner didn't make a terrible decision like execution.
"I didn't," Tanner replies, pulling back. His voice is low and loaded with shame. His eyes won't meet Jess's. "I just stood there like a coward. Silent. All the time. And when my father wanted to tear them apart…"
He pauses, eyes shadowed.
Jess feels his heart stop at the thought. It was that bad?
"…I unconsciously stood in his way," Tanner finishes, voice barely holding together. "I said I needed more time to think of something that would make them regret what they did… before I sent them to hell where they belong. But I didn't mean it."
"That was good," Jess says gently, truthfully. The fact that Tanner didn't rush into punishment speaks volumes. It gives them time. It means Tanner cares.
"Good?" Tanner echoes with a humorless chuckle. "Well, my father and the council didn't think so. Apparently, my father wants me to find you and Kyle, put you both with the men from today and…"
His voice fails him, but Jess already knows. He doesn't need it spelled out.
"I don't know what I'll do," Tanner says softly.
Jess takes a moment, then asks carefully, "What were you thinking you could do with those two? Not what they told you to do, nor what you think favours anyone's expectations. Just you, on your own. What did you think you could do for now?"
Tanner is silent for a while. Then, slowly, he says, "Maybe… maybe exile them. Just for the pack's sake. But I won't forsake them. Even if they're out there, I'd make sure they never feel packless. They will still be under my pack and for that reason they will stay strong."
"Then do it," Jess replies, firm and steady.
"Jess, I can't. My father won't think it's enough, he wants th..."
"Tanner," Jess cuts in sharply. His tone makes Tanner look at him, even if only halfway. "Who is the Alpha now?" he asks.
Tanner hesitates. When he speaks, his voice is solid. "I am."
"Yes, you are! Look, I'm not saying this to go against your father. But his time of ruling is over. The pack looks to you now. He mentored you, fine. But now, it's your turn to lead. The laws you set are the laws everyone, including him must follow. I know you respect him. But don't confuse respect with surrender."
Tanner listens in silence. Every word lands with weight and clarity.
"So if you think sending them away without abandoning them is the right call for now… then do it. Walk into that council hall and say you've decided to exile them. And that it's final. What are they going to do? Strip you of your title? They can't. Right now, you're the only one the Moon Goddess recognizes as Alpha. No one can take that from you without consequences. Just like you can't abandon that role without facing them."
Jess's voice softens at the end. "I just hope you see sense in this," he adds, echoing the words Tanner used on him earlier.
After a long pause, Tanner turns to him. "Will you come with me?" he asks, hesitant, almost afraid of the answer.
Jess is about to nod when suddenly his face contorts. He bolts from the bed and rushes to the bathroom. The sound of vomiting echoes back.
Tanner follows immediately. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Do you feel sick? I'm calling the doctor right awa..." He's already reaching for his phone when Jess waves him off.
"No, I'm fine," Jess breathes out, flushed and weak. "It's just… this sickening feeling. I keep throwing up, and it makes me feel dizzy and tired. I don't know why. I've never felt like this. And my stomach… it feels really uncomfortable."
A tired but teasing smirk plays on Tanner's lips.
"What?" Jess asks, frowning in confusion.
"I know what it is," Tanner replies.
"What is it?"
"You're carrying our baby," Tanner says, finally letting out a soft, genuine laugh.
Jess scoffs, laughing too as he rinses his mouth. "You wish! If I ever got pregnant as a man, then… I don't know. I'd honestly start to believe I'm some totally abnormal being on this whole planet."
"But I'd love you even more for it," Tanner says, eyes warm. "You know… I wish you could really get pregnant. Then we could have our own baby. Do you want us to try?"
Jess blushes and nudges him back. "A man can't get pregnant, shut up."
But Tanner moves close again, arms sneaking around him from behind, body pressed gently against Jess's. "We were in the middle of something before I got summoned to the pack house… remember?" he murmurs, his breath brushing Jess's neck.
Jess's eyes flutter shut. He lets Tanner close the distance.