My brain screams itself awake, my body feeling as if I had liquid fire running through every nerve. Soft pressure on every inch of my skin as if I was being smothered by an imposibly cold silk quilt.
Opening my eyes I gasp, choking on the air as I try to catch it, no inch of me wasn't in agonizing pain or painful discomfort.
I feel my chest heaving as if it had been crushed, my mind unconsciously falling between my reality and whatever the fuck I had just dreamt of. My surroundings blurring in and out as the light above feels like fractile knives embedding themselves into my brain.
"Fuck" I choke on my own breath trying to spit the word out, sounding like a fish out of water.
Blinking in and out of consciousness, I feel my body begin to fully adjust, sitting up I put my hands to my face clasping it, feeling my nerves and racing heart subside.
My name running through my head on repeat as I feel my consciousness enter the deepest sense of derealization I had ever felt.
Calming myself a bit, I let my hands fall from my face, noticing red streaks coming from my wrists as I see the gashes running from my palm to the end of my elbow exposing muscle and sinew beneath.
The red trail running down from my forearms to the tips of my fingers and onto the stained tub I find myself lying in, a flash of images enter my mind of a blade entering my wrists, a decision I had made.
I really tried to bite the bullet, offing myself, but I lived. I don't know if I should be grateful or furious.
My hands grab the edges of the tub as I try to pull myself up, feeling the weakness of my attempt I make it to bender knee before taking a breather.
My mind blurs again, images of a life not my own flooding through my head, a whole lifetime worth of them completely and utterly destroying my sense of self.
Looking at my hands an image of a revolver and several weapons enter my mind, placed neatly into my hand.
Trying to stand again I steadily arise stepping over the bathtub walls, making my way over to the sink mirror. My pace slow and cumbersome, feeling as if my body were made of led.
Looking into the mirror I see myself. My olive bronze skin losing a bit of its luster and glow displaying a greenish hue, the bags under my eyes puffy and red. The lower half of my face had a bloody hand print etched across it, my button up shirt hang loosely, my slacks hanging form my easiest, both drenched in blood as my once white shirt was now dyed in my blood and splotches cling to my sleeve and lower shirt. My hair had become a wavy mess, golden blonde strands matted with blood fall at my waist, my previous scorpion braid falling into a frizzy mess.
Turning the knob for warm water I wait, nothing, fiddling with it some more I just let it be. Then a surge.
I begin to feel my head twirl, my consciousness bending and shaping my reality as I look into the mirror. My face molding and meshing, seeing the face of a man I knew but didn't know. His tired eyes staring into my own.
Looking away, I turn my head down as I feel my saliva build up, my gag reflexes kicking in. I projectile vomit into the sink, mostly stomach acid making its way out, yellow bile falls sloppily into the sink, stinging my throat as it slips out.
Wiping my mouth, I feel the reflexive tears in my eyes, turning on the water I cup my hand and splash. Trying to wipe the blood and vomit from my lips.
Knock, knock, knock. Three knocks come from the door behind me, light knocks, slow and lazy.
"Uncle Tyr?" A small and tired voice comes from the other side, followed by a small sniff. "My night light went out. It's scary." The small voice pleads, knocking again.
My niece, Amelia. My only family, my only reason for living.
I feel another buildup in my throat as I am reminded of the consequences my actions would have had, had I actually died that night. I would have left the one light I had in this world all alone, looking back at my hands soaked in my own blood I clench them. When did I become such a coward.
How could I, How dare I? I feel utter disgust as I try to form words to reply to my niece.
"G-give me a sec dork, I'll be out in a bit." I say, stuttering over my own words. My words shaky and quivering as if I had spoken such words in my life. "Go find kuya Cisco."
I hear more small sniffs and soft whines from the door.
"Okay." I hear her small steps begin to wander away, her hiccups and sniffing growing more distant.
Turning my gaze back to the mirror, I begin to rub my face profusely, scrubbing and scratching and continuing even after I felt the burn and tearing of my outer layer. Raw and red I let my hands down. Staring at myself.
The dream or life I had, or dreamt or whatever the fuck. It was plaguing my mind, my face doesnt feel like my own anymore, but neither did the one in my hallucination either. A whole lifetime of knowledge and memories, heartbreak and loss, love and redemption, and finally his or my death.
I was the main character a fucking video game, what is my reality? I just experienced the last m years of my life through a depressed sack of shits vision as he played them through a game. My heart increases its pace as my breath quickens.
"What the fuck" I lurch forward again, vomitting profusely into the sink. More bile, not a single chunk to be seen. I hadn't eaten in days prior to this, from what I remember. "Oh man."
Feeling my head throb I go to the door, opening it gently, before I hear footsteps and a knock. Closing the door again I stay put on the inside.
"Yo Tyr, bro. Where were you?" A familiar voice rings out, Cisco. My sworn brother, a friend, my best friend. "You alright?"
Feeling my forearms throb and seeing the mess I was, I couldn't really rely on anyone beside Cisco to help me with myself.
Opening the door, I see him. A medium height man, short buzzed pale brown hair, pale skin and a goatee, hooded squinted eyes, a tattoo of a diety on his neck, he was the spitting image of a hood rat. His usual puffer and polo combo on display, pants hanging down to his lower waist and a pair of decent looking sneakers.
His attention completely on his phone, he doesn't even notice me.
"Amelia's asleep in her room, I left her li-" he looks up, shock and sadness entering his eyes. "Tyr." He reaches out and grabs my forearm.
"I need help." I say, my voice weak and shaky.
"I need to get your ass to a hospital." He says examining the slits on my forearms. "What the fuck Tyr. Come on." He says dragging me along.
I stay silent, my mind still ablaze with memories and situations.
He leads me through the familiar halls of the brothel, where me and a couple of other dolls stay to make supervision over us a bit easier.
Cisco was another worker in our little establishment, he handled the gambling ring we hosted, so in a sense we worked together.
"The boss can't see you like this, damaged goods he calls it." Cisco says leading me out of our establishment.
Piss and shit intrude my nose, the smell of the seas following soon after as we enter the streets. Nostalgia and Deja vu take over as I look around to see neon lights and the homeless lying about the street. Needles and trash everywhere you look, used up portal scrolls for single night fun times in the red light district. Tall buildings surrounding us, casting no shade above as little orbs of red light float above, dying everything in soft crimson.
Then I see the neon sign attached to our building, a little sign that says all you need to hear. The name of the establishment.
"A Little Heaven," I whisper to myself. "Yeah fucking right."
"I want to say so many things to you right now but I'll wait until after your check up. Gods you're such a dipshit," he says stroking his goatee profusely. "What about Amelia? Huh?"
I don't answer, instead I look at the the ocean, being next to the pier. I look out at the nothingness out their. Black, motionless, no stars to be seen as the light pollution killed any notion of stars. Instead, what lie in the sky were two moons, one pale and vibrant, the other orange and half wane.
Getting to his car, I see a woman sitting in the front.
"Pam, need my boy in the front." Cisco declares.
She rolls her eyes and gets out. Then she sees me.
"Holy shit, what happened to you?" She says. Her stature was a bit on the wider side, she was dressed in a mini skirt and a tube top. Her red hair matching the color the sky was dyed in from the magic orbs above. Her arms crossed she looks rather indifferent toward me.
"Nothing, Tyr hop in let's get you to a hospital. Hopefully the docs can work some magic on you." Cisco ushers me in. "You coming Pam?"
"No, I honestly thought we were up for date night." She says, uncrossing her arms and putting them on her hips.
"Life or death here, can't see my boy suffer like this." He says starting the car.
"What the fuck ever." The woman whines as she storms off.
"I'll call later." Cisco exclaims as we pull out of the parking lot. "Damn."
"I'm sorry man." I say, genuinely remorseful about the whole ordeal. He's talked about Pam a lot, he honest to god loved the woman. "I'm really sorry." I say again as I feel the familiar sting in my eyes, but no tears came. I guess i was all dried up.
"Dont worry about it, hey" he says pointing at his glove department. "I got a bottle in there, drink it. Probably need some water."
I nod, opening the glove department, I notice the strong smell of skunk, and alcohol. Seeing a baggy and two bottles, a small plastic water bottle and the other large bottle of vodka.
Taking the bottle of water I instantly uncap it and chug it, feeling my dry and hoarse throat coat itself in water I don't think I've ever tasted anything better in my life.
"This kind of reminds me of when I took you out to drink for the first time." He says chuckling.
I smile, he really was like the older brother I never had. Teaching me and guiding me, only being three years older than me, he had experienced so much of the world at only nineteen years old. I admired the man.
Leaning back into the chair I feel my eyes grow heavy. Seeing the neon lights pass by in a blur, I slowly drift off and my mind begins to wander.
"Cmon Tyr, just a bit further. Don't sleep man cmon" I hear his voice grow more distant, his words not connecting at all. "You can't do this to me man, please."
Closing my eyes, I let the world fall to darkness. Feeling more comfortable than I had ever been in my entire life.