Compared to the faint rustling of the paper figures, the sudden roar—though not loud—resounded with a certain imposing force by contrast.
Under the bewildered gazes of Chen Mo and the four appliances, a mighty army of paper soldiers emerged from the corner, winding forward like a tide. Spearmen, swordsmen, axemen, and archers were arranged in disciplined formations, while hundreds of light cavalry patrolled the flanks.
At their head rode a general clad in black armor, gripping a jade-green spear and astride a blazing crimson steed—quite the majestic sight, at least in appearance.
The problem, however, was that no matter how grand his aura, it was difficult to be overawed by a puppet barely ten centimeters tall.
Chen Mo scratched his head in silent exasperation. "Oh my god! First paper men, now wooden puppets. What's next… shadow puppetry?"
Yet before he could fully ponder the trajectory of Chinese folk arts, the paper army made its move.
With a flourish of his spear, the puppet general urged his steed forward and pointed the weapon skyward. "Hark! You barbarous intruders dare such insolence! Kneel and surrender at once!"
Silence. An eerie, absolute silence.
After a few stunned seconds, the four appliances burst into uproarious laughter. "Oh wow, this is supposed to be an army? Terrifying. I'm shaking!"
Nono even flickered its screen provocatively as it swaggered forward with a mocking pose.
Infuriated, the puppet general flushed crimson and charged without another word, spear lashing out like a venomous dragon.
To Chen Mo's amazement, Nono raised its phone cover like a shield and engaged the general in a comical skirmish, cheered on by the other three appliances.
"Oh come on! A phone versus a puppet? This is better than Ultraman fighting kaiju!" Chen Mo shook his head, thinking this would make a sensational viral video.
Just as the thought crossed his mind, the general suddenly leapt back and raised his spear high. "Archers! Loose your arrows!"
"Shoot your own damn head!" Guoguo yawned lazily and exhaled a gust of cold wind.
The oncoming arrows were swept away mid-flight, fluttering back into their own ranks like autumn leaves. The paper soldiers shrieked as they were blown about, chaos erupting in an instant.
The puppet general, more resilient than his troops, managed to steady himself against a wall, shouting, "Guards! Guards!"
"Guards? You could summon the Red Guards and it still wouldn't help you!" The four appliances advanced with menacing confidence.
But just then, in response to the general's cry, the walls began to shimmer with a greenish light.
Low growls rumbled as the creatures depicted in the murals—demonic mountain spirits—stepped out of the walls, snarling as they charged.
One enormous beast demonstrated its power with a swipe of its claws, carving deep gashes into the stone.
"Uh… what the hell is that?" The appliances exchanged uneasy glances, then nodded in unison. "Lovely weather today. Let's head back and sleep!"
Even as they turned to flee, the mountain beasts had already encircled them. Escape was no longer an option.
"Leaving so soon?" The general strode forward with spear in hand. "Not so fast. First, you must compensate us for the damage you've caused!"
Thankfully, he only wanted compensation, not blood.
The four appliances let out a breath of relief. Chen Mo quickly scooped up Guoguo and toppled over dramatically. "General, we're broke… But feel free to help yourself to whatever you find here!"
With a cacophony of clattering, Guoguo disgorged a ridiculous pile of items—underwear, toys, jewelry, condoms...
Hundreds of paper soldiers stared, eyes wide and unblinking. The puppet general finally stepped forward, poked a lacy bra with his spear, and asked cautiously, "What… is this?"
"A divine artifact!" Nono interjected in a mysterious whisper before Chen Mo could respond. "Ordinary folk aren't worthy of knowing, but since you ask… This item enhances charm, leadership, and sculpts the perfect physique. It's perfect for a fierce warrior like you!"
"Truly?" The general blinked, half-convinced. When he caught Guoguo's heartbroken expression, his faith seemed to strengthen.
"Absolutely!" Nono, playing the conman, continued with eloquent flair: "This artifact hails from the distant Persian Empire. It has survived countless perils and oceans of blood to arrive here in our glorious Tang—no, Song Dynasty!"
Chen Mo rolled his eyes. If Nono kept going, this thing would be hailed as a relic capable of uniting the world under one ruler.
Just then, a melodious chime rang out, followed by a shrill announcement: "Silence! Her Highness Princess Nana approaches!"
Instantly, the paper soldiers and mountain beasts prostrated themselves. The puppet general knelt with utmost reverence, gazing down the corridor.
Chen Mo and the appliances turned instinctively—and the moment they saw the extravagant procession approaching, they struggled to suppress laughter.
"Oh, for heaven's sake… First paper men, then wooden puppets, and now…" Chen Mo muttered as the royal entourage came into view.
There were nearly a hundred figures, all clay dolls. At the center of the most ornate carriage sat a dazzlingly beautiful young woman.
Indeed, she would have been a stunning princess—if one could ignore her diminutive size and her unmistakable resemblance to a sugar figurine.
"Er… is she edible?" Guoguo asked in the silence, clearly intrigued by the confection-like royal.
Chen Mo pulled the wayward rice cooker aside—joking or not, she was a princess. Although, if he were honest, he was a little tempted to take a lick himself.
The royal carriage came to a halt. The princess studied the five intruders with innocent curiosity, like one might observe pandas at a zoo.
But after a few seconds, her cheeks turned pink and she bashfully averted her gaze, gesturing for the general to approach.
Chen Mo and Guoguo exchanged glances, a growing sense of dread creeping in. Nono muttered, "A blushing woman is thinking of her man…"
"Shut it!" Chen Mo snapped, but one look at the bashful princess told him Nono might not be wrong.
"Your Grace, Her Highness has issued a decree. No compensation is required," the general proclaimed solemnly. "However, the princess desires a union with you. Might I inquire your answer?"
"What the—?!" Even braced as he was, Chen Mo staggered backward.
Marry a sugar figurine? You couldn't touch her, couldn't have kids, and doing the laundry would literally melt her. What was he supposed to tell the marriage registrar—that he was wedding a candy sculpture?
"What, you refuse?" The general's expression darkened. The mountain beasts snarled on cue.
"No objections! None at all!" the appliances cried before Chen Mo could protest. "It's a match made in heaven! Couldn't be better!"
"Traitors!" Tears streamed down Chen Mo's face. After six years of loyal service, this was how they repaid him?
"Boss, just accept your fate," Nono climbed onto his shoulder, earnestly advising, "Sacrifice yourself for the greater good—be like Dong Cunrui blowing up the bunker, or Huang Jiguang blocking the gunfire…"
"Get lost! Why don't you do it?" Chen Mo smacked him off, thinking darkly that a phone marrying a sugar doll was the pinnacle of ancient art meeting modern tech.
"I'd love to!" Nono sighed. "But she clearly prefers you…"
Typical—reaping all the benefit while staying out of harm's way.
As Chen Mo gritted his teeth, the puppet general beamed. "Excellent! Then it is decided. The princess wishes to wed this very night. Prepare for the ceremony!"
Several mountain beasts approached—but to Chen Mo's surprise, they ignored him and instead lifted Nono from his shoulder with reverent care.
The entire scene froze.
Seconds later, Nono shrieked, "Wait! Wait! There's been a mistake!"
"No mistake at all!" Chen Mo forced a grin, muscles twitching as he handed Nono to the princess. "Your Highness, I entrust you with this brother of mine. Treat him well…"
"And, um, don't go overboard with the whips and wax. Three times a day should be enough. Also, I offer a 30% discount on all accessories, with guaranteed stock!"
"Nooo! Please!" Nono writhed helplessly, but dozens of clay guards unsheathed their swords, ready to reduce him to scrap.
Meanwhile, the other appliances stared skyward in feigned ignorance.
In fact, Benben even whispered, "If Nono marries a sugar figurine… what would their children be like?"
"Children, my ass!" Nono wept as he gazed at Princess Nana's blissful expression.
"Nono, just accept it," Chen Mo echoed Nono's earlier words with a smile. "After all, one must suffer for the happiness of millions. Be our hero."