Rashmond~
Hours and hours have passed.
The rain felt cold on the skin of mine.
I laid on top of his grave, covered in the blood of a man he once loved.
Two bodies next to me, sat lifeless.
I felt something. Not satisfaction. Rage in my heart, calming down. But without rage, I felt... something close to nothing.
Headless bodies held each other in their last moment hoping I would show mercy and melt under the pressure of their true love. I am a man of no heart, alas they did not know that.
In his last breath he held not for love, or to protect her from me, it was to comfort himself. It was to tell himself that he was not alone.
Had he forgotten his 'comfort' was the women who left running from him the moment he was attacked?
All my targets are now eliminated.
I had no more job left to fulfill.
No more responsibilities to run from.
Yet something riddled my mind.
As if I still had something to do.
Something that I could have done long ago.
And many bodies wouldn't have fallen on the ground headless.
"Do you hear... Can you?" I touched the concrete panel that had covered his grave.
"Unspoken words of mine had never bothered me until I wanted to tell you so many things, that I had not realised was a want of mine. Thousands of words left in my heart withering away. I never thought that one day I would want to speak and you would not be here, next to me, because of me." I said softly as if he could hear my voice.
"I always thought that I would die first. My only last wish was to be grinded into cement and turned into concrete."
I chuckled and continued, "If I had told you that would you call me a madman or would you change my mind? You have always succeeded in the latter."
"I wanted to be the concrete panel on your grave. The headstone, the pillar, everything just because I knew I could not be with you till death. At least I could be with you after death." I laid sideways ontop of the concrete ledger, underneath of which, he laid lifelees.
I would rather despise myself than be misunderstood. I evaded every attempt of connection with each and every single person. Except for him.
I despise being a choice to people. Hence I chose to not even be a choice.
The silence I share with myself is as beautiful as it is pathetic.
People have fallen in love with me. But their feelings did not seem something even close to 'Love'.
How could I have such thoughts? I used to question myself, I did not experience a 'feeling' back then, yet I judged others.
Even then, I knew what love was. It was the look in his eyes. Whenever he saw me. But I couldn't accept it.
Children who have never been love, crave love too much. They demand love, all the love they starved for from one person, burdening them with such needs.
"Since childhood I could not understand my own existence, yet you understood me. You accepted my existence as if I were a human, who could feel your acceptance. I never understood myself or the love you showed me." My voice was drowned out the rain washing the blood from over my body. Yet I believed you could hear me somewhere. How delusional I am huh?
"I was afraid I would use you to feel something, anything at all. Rely over you to get rid of the loneliness in my heart. I did not want to burden you with my existence." I said lost in his memories.
"It was difficult to enact my decision when you looked at me, with those eyes of yours. As if my existence meant something to you. You needed someone who is loved enough to be loved by you, and to love you. I was not that someone. I thought that man was, this lifeless body next to, was that someone. I was wrong. You became a need not a want."
Words that had pilled up in my heart over the last decade and more came out of my mouth.
No one would hear these words.
No one could.
If I had told him all these words would this ending change?
"Years ago I could not breath without the sight of yours. Fixations were a bad thing for men like me. Hence I turned away from you, ran away from you as far as I could. A few days ago, I thought I overcame my fixation of you. I was misunderstood. Just the mere thought of your existence in this world, was enough for me to sleep at night, and breath.
My fixation had gotten worse. I did not realize it until now. I do not feel saddened. I experience pain in my throat which I could not swallow. This pain travels throughout my body, pulsing through my veins." I said to him.
"I was never just an option to you. You never hurt me. You never asked for things I could not give you. I know I could not make anyone better, yet every time I looked at you I had to always suppress the urge to change that."
In my younger, more foolish years I had always tried to make friends and connections. All the efforts for friendship would come from my side.
Because I knew if I did not put in effort, they would forget my existence. Once I got sick and could not anymore, my existence would again be forgotten or despised.
"I would always need things that meant too much from most people. Too much of love, attention, and validation. I promised them, even you at some point of time, that I would become better. Then I understood, I could not even try to change. This is the life I learned to live and the only one I knew. Then after some point I became tired of being a pathetic child who always craved so much for love and grew tired of my 'love' being discarded." I said to him.
He would hear my ramblings all throughout the night when we were children.
"I always told myself no one could understand me. Maybe it is I, who pushes people away and reject being understood. I can not share the burden of mine with them. It would break them. Although sometimes it was for my own selfish I pushed them away. Why did I push you away? I do not know. Fully. Yet." My fixation has gotten worse and worse with every word I utter.
My body needs him to function. Even his breath across the world would suffice. But now it had stopped because of my own cowardness.
"Anyone else in this world would be better than me. I wanted you, to be happy away from me. I wanted you, to find someone who would be loved by you and loved you even more. In return, I thought, you could curse me through all of your heart, away from the misfortune and sadness I brought."
"Maybe in another universe where I received loved from all the people I could crave, and all the people who were required to love me, and where I could reach you from my the palm of my hands, you would be the one true love of mine... Adonis...but now being called by your name, from a person like me... What a cruel fate you have suffered." If I could be hurt this was it.
And if there was a heart in the body I lived in, it would have died with you three days ago. Alas, Adonis I am man with no heart.