WINTER BREAK - December 22nd
Another full moon. Just what I needed…
On the plus side, Aries came to grab a beer with me before I had to slink off into the woods for the night. Things with him are fine.
Mostly fine.
He's tried a few times to talk about it, rehash things, but always with a quiver in his voice that told me this was going to go nowhere good. So, I'd change the topic, find something nice to say. He always took the bait and let us continue on in this awkward limbo between friends and something else. I didn't try to kiss him again and he didn't give me any indication that he wanted me to kiss him, so I guess this is just where we're at.
At least I didn't have to remind him it was a full moon, that I was going into it with my teeth gritted.
He only said, "Most werewolves actually look forward to it. In Fel, it's meant to be fun. A social thing. Everyone's out. I mean, not me, of course. But everyone else."
But we weren't in Fel, and I was looking at a night of painfully contorting into a beast in a distant clearing in the woods north of campus. In December. There wasn't snow on the ground, but it didn't mean it wasn't cold.
It was the clearing Blackclaw had shown me on the last full moon. With that there was also the implied but not explicitly stated expectation that I would shift there and only there. A part of me resented the clearing for this reason alone. But also, where else was I going to do it?
That's how I ended up there tonight.
I could feel the wolf waking up under my skin. To some extent there was no fighting it. I could drink as much wolfsbane solution as I wanted and I would still end up a beast.
I'd dipped out of the pub a little early. Probably earlier than I needed to, but Aries nearly saw me shift in the middle of the Sanctum. He's still the one person I know for sure would actually die if I accidentally bit him. I have no interest in putting us in a situation where that's ever something even to worry about ever again.
And this is how I ended up shivering and naked in a gods-forsaken part of the woods, staring at the moon waiting for something to happen. The last two full moons, even if I didn't want to shift, it felt involuntary, like a gag reflex forced into high gear. But tonight? Nope.
The wolf was taking its sweet time, scratching me up from the inside and baying in my head, but not coming forward in anyway actually useful.
"Aren't you cold?"
I'd been so preoccupied with not shifting that I hadn't heard him coming. I knew the voice before turning my head. Blackclaw. He stood at the edge of the treeline in a thick, fur-trimmed coat, eyeing me seriously.
"Fucking freezing," I hissed through chattering teeth.
Blackclaw smirked, because my pain is always so hilarious. "Then shift already," he said.
As though I wasn't trying. Trust me, I would if I could. I was more eager to get this over with than anyone.
"I didn't come all this way just to watch you get frostbite on your ass," he shouted.
It's not like there's a guide book for this kind of thing.
My whole body itched. I raised my arms up and opened my chest to the moonlight. I felt the wolf in my head bay loud and low. Its howl rang through my inner-ears, sending a hot, sharp pain through my skull. But the sound never crossed my lips.
"You know, most werewolves can just shift when they want to. What is this? Performance issues?"
"If it's so easy then tell me how it's meant to work! I'm so itchy I want to tear off my skin, but it's not-" I didn't know what I was waiting for exactly. How did I get my bones to move that way last time? It hurt like hell and I don't think I could have done it willingly. "It's not enough. I've been taking wolfsbane solution. Is there a chance I just skip this somehow?"
I wasn't looking at Blackclaw, but the big pale moon, low and fat in the sky. It was a bright night, all three moons visible, only one actually full.
"Not possible," Blackclaw said. "What happened today that you needed to take it?"
"I woke up," I said. "I need it all the time. Otherwise the wolf never shuts up."
"It talks to you?" Blackclaw asked.
"No! Of course not. It's just like there in my head, awake, making wolf sounds, reacting. Reminds me all the time that I'm a werewolf."
"You are a werewolf."
He was missing the point. I didn't know how to better explain it. I mostly liked to forget I was a werewolf if at all possible, whenever possible. Nothing about this was fun for me.
Blackclaw trudged forward out of the trees and into the clearing. He'd kept his distance from me on the last full moon, but now it seems he felt there wasn't reason to worry. I growled into my hands, voice distinctly human, reaching for the wolf that was not reaching back.
"I didn't give you that recipe to drown in it. It was meant to be a bandaid, not a magic bullet. You're meant to use it when you can't control what you are, not just for being what you are." He clapped me on the shoulder. A gloved hand on my bare skin. "Let's get this over with."
"What part of I'm trying-" but I didn't finish that line of thought. Blackclaw reared back hands already working through a casting gesture, the motion so quick and unexpected I didn't have time to draw a shield.
The all too familiar electric blast hit me with such force I was knocked back. He'd been so close that it felt as though the electricity burned through me, skin ablaze and every nerve suddenly searing at once. The wolf suddenly rose up, gaining new purchase, clawing its way back through me again. I was shifting. Muscles, bones, organs all moved beneath my skin. Fur sprouted in patches. I'd gone through this twice before now and it still felt deeply surprising every time.
I heard the wolf howl through my open mouth. It was a scream and a cry that cut through the silent woods like a terror. I may have hated it, but I had to admit, I was relieved the wolf was finally no longer wrestling for release.
As for the rest of the night, there's little to tell. By the time I'd finished shifting, Blackclaw was already gone. I knew he couldn't have been far - the scent of him, leather, coffee, and blood, still lingered nearby. But even the wolf had had enough of him for one night. I let it do what it wanted. And what it wanted was to chase small critters into tree root burroughs and jam my snout into the dirt. And now, no longer a wolf, my nose still hurts.
The wolf howled a lot and ran around for what felt like hours. It might have been hours. I was not hungry, so he was not hungry, only obsessed with the scents and smells of the winter dead woods and the feeling of cold wet earth under paw. His thoughts were simple, half-formed, not always words, but the feeling of words. Chase. Cold. Run.
And once, and only once, I howled into the dark skies, if only to feel the air through my lungs, and in the silence that followed, another lone howl echoed back.
Who? The wolf wanted to know too.
We never found out.
WINTER BREAK - December 30th
It's still a few days before classes resume for next term but the few times I've mentioned it, the Marblebrooks seem to do what they can to avoid a discussion. In theory, I could just shadow step back to campus with the few things I'd brought for my stay, but that just seemed… impolite?
I'm not expecting a whole send off, but while it's been nice staying with them the past few weeks, I should now be getting back to campus. Aisling is back. And a little selfishly, while I haven't been back to the Sanctum since returning that grimoire, I still want it. I fulfilled my end of the deal with Marblebrook. The mark of Orendell has been aggravated for weeks. For some reason the silent, angry werewolf god cares about that book. Should I be concerned? Possibly. But at the moment, all I really want is to get back to practicing magic. I'm meant to be a mage and I haven't cast anything other than a handful of domestic spells since the end of term.
I forced the conversation with the Marblebrooks at breakfast. Elandria had run out for bagels and Kelyn was doling out soft-boiled eggs. I was tasked with cutting fruit. Since seeing how the peppermint snowballs had turned out, Kelyn had decided my cooking abilities were relatively on par with Elandria's and all kitchen chores going forward no longer required my use of an oven or stove. But I had them both in one room, at one time, half-distracted but when were they not?
"I'm moving back to campus today," I said. I could have said it louder, Elandria was searching for a serving platter and clanking around in one the cabinets. They both still heard me anyway.
"We know," Kelyn said with a sigh. "But we've loved having you. Aries probably misses you, but you're always welcome to stay."
"He'll be back this summer," Elandria said, more to Kelyn than to me. "Zephyr is going to be my research assistant."
I'm grateful. Truly. But I couldn't help myself, "I'm terrible at Divination."
Kelyn laughed, bubbling and loud. It was infectious, Elandria too chuckled. Kelyn said, "Little secret: everyone is bad at Divination. All of us. Well, maybe not Magistrate Dwale, but she's the oracle in residence for a reason."
"It's true," Elandria said with a shrug. "I'm not expecting you to be good, I'm only expecting you to do the work. You'll be fine."
Kelyn passed me a plate for breakfast. "Just try to pop over for a visit when you can, alright?"
I packed up the rest of my things around noon with Elandria in the doorway determined to see me off. I was nearly ready to go when she called out, "The scrying glass!"
It had only ever been a loan. I'd left it on top of the dresser.
"It's yours, Zephyr. Whether you use it or not, you should still have it," she said.
I didn't have to tell her it was hard to look at right now. She knew. But also, maybe it wouldn't be hard to look at forever. I would want it then. I picked it up and thanked her.
Back on campus, my room was unchanged. Returning to it now, it felt almost devoid of personality and had the stagnant airlocked scent of a tomb. Maybe I had been a little resistant to settling in. But I had two more terms, and probably another year or two at the Court depending on fields of study and specialties, so maybe I should do something to make the room feel more like mine.
To start, I propped the door. I found a broom down the hall to clear the dust, and opened a window to try to release some of the stagnant air.
Aries ducked his head in around the time I started unpacking. "You're back."
"You didn't think I would be?" I asked.
He knew I would be, but admittedly, there was a difference when I was right down the hall. He tentatively stepped inside. I set the book I'd been holding down on my desk - I realized later that it happened to be a copy of that werewolf book I'd never returned to the library and had to hope he didn't notice. I was watching him, waiting for one of us to fill the silence, when he put out his arms to hug me.
It wasn't the frantic crushing hug from a few weeks ago in the Sanctum, but also, we'd seen each other almost daily for weeks. It was cordial, warm, and even as I was trying to get a read on him, I realized he was still hugging me. What do you want from me, Aries?
I heard him exhale slowly. His forehead pressed into my cheek. I had the feeling neither of us really wanted to pull away.
We were interrupted by a shout. "Friends!" And before I could even turn to see who it was, we were hit by two more sets of arms - the most awkward of hugs. Hands seized up around me, and a set of furred paws too. Aisling and Noodle might have been a little too excited to realize they'd just walked in on something. Or could have been something. Or maybe Aisling would have noticed and didn't care. Either way I can hardly blame them. I'd left my door open.
At least it made it easier for all of us to break apart. We all settled into places around the room. Aisling on the freshly swept floor, beside the coffee table, me and Aries on the couch. Noodle at my desk chair. There was still an empty armchair no one claimed, but no one needed to. Noodle and Aisling immediately launched into all of their updates from over break, Fire's Night presents, stories from home. At one point, Aries stood up to stretch his legs. He picked up the love potion on my dresser and nonchalantly read the card. When he saw me noticing he quickly set it down and pretended he hadn't.
There was only one thing worth noting - Aisling had waited entirely too long to bring it up. It was when a pillow on the empty armchair toppled over onto the floor. It was weird but I'd just assumed Aisling sitting near it had bumped it and I hadn't noticed.
"I'm getting to you next," she mumbled.
Noodle cocked his head. "Who are you talking to, Aisling?"
I saw the color suddenly drain from her skin - more than paling, peach to paperwhite in a way that only Aisling can. "I don't really know what to call it," she said.
Her auburn hair wrapped into dark maroon tangles. "I think that familiar summoning ritual worked, Zeph. And that 'deathless' part? It's been haunting me all week."
Noodle laughed. I imagine he thought she was kidding. I knew better.
"Haunting you how exactly, Aisling?" I asked.
She picked up the fallen pillow and whacked it against the back of the armchair.
Something shrieked. The sound fluttered up into the empty air above the coffee table.
Aries jolted back at the sound. "What is that?"
"A familiar, I think," Aisling said. "I don't know what it is exactly, but it's annoying as all hell. It's got little grabby hands and wings. I can't see it or anything, but it likes to cuddle and is always stealing my things and putting them somewhere else. So, I wanted to ask you, Zeph, have you got one too? Or is it just me?"
I immediately thought back to the strange howl on the last full moon. But no. I didn't know what had made that sound. Had it been a familiar, I think I would have noticed.
"Maybe it's just shy?" Aisling offered. "Mine's obviously not. I'd like to figure out what exactly it is though…"
"Do you think it's a ghost?" Aries asked.
Aisling shrugged. "Maybe. Are ghosts deathless? I mostly just want to know what kind of animal it is."
And then, I thought of something. The ghost-seeing spell I'd taught myself a few months back. "I might have a way to find out."
I cast the spell four times over for all of us to look, with the warning that there are a lot more ghosts out and around campus than I would have suspected.
I cast it on Aisling first. She gasped. "What in the hells?!"
Noodle next, who's eyes widened, and he started laughing. Then, Aries, and then me.
"That is definitely not any kind of animal I've seen before," Aries whispered.
Whatever it was flapped above Aisling's head. One of its hands caught on her hair and it tugged. Aisling winced but laughed too. It was all too strange looking at it head-on. Its hands were strange little raccoon paws. It had a black furred face and back, flapping black wings, a long, curling tail, and inexplicably, also a beak.
"What are you?" Aisling asked. We spent the next half hour making best guesses.