Arc 3: Choosing Reality by Embracing Life
{ Every problem, fear, sadness, anger, I have had you. From a nickname to a part of me that is more than me, I hate you. The real me, the guy I am, the person that sits alone doing nothing. Thinking about what I should do, what I can't do, and what I want to do. I study and I feel like I do worse at school, I work out and I never gain muscle. I eat more and I don't gain any weight, I try to be funny but I'm not funny. I am stuck in a dumb, weak, pitiful body. At the core of my heart, I am a selfish, hateful, prideful, egotistical douchebag that thinks everybody likes him while thinking nobody could ever like him, at least never like me. For any issue I got into, all I had to do was look stupid and happy; everyone would like it, and everyone would laugh. If I stay the ego, prideful person I am at the core of my being I will fail and fall. So I used being pitiful as a joke, a lie to tell myself I was putting on. I know I suck and I know I'm weak so I use it to make others happy or at least try to.
The only thing I love to do, the only thing I want to do is make others safe and happy. And that's the worst part about myself. Saying all that doesn't make me a good person. It only shows how self-centered and toxic I am. I want their best memories to have me in them. I want to be the person anybody thinks about when they think of someone they enjoy being around. I want this because I can't imagine myself doing this with myself. I don't do anything in every happy memory I have ever had. I do nothing but complain and do nothing about it and then there is you. You are a mask: a middle name, a voice, a nickname. You are Gray Kyojin, you are funny, you are confident, you are happy, and make other people happy. But you aren't me, you're everything I want to be but in the end, I use you to get past my anxiety issues. I want to do so much but can't even muster up the courage to try. Can't ask for help, get a job, get a girlfriend, I can't do anything. I never did anything and I gave it all up for it.
I wanted to be a helper. I wanted to do something important with my life. A teacher, friend, anything or somebody who sticks out in your mind. I want to be remembered, and I wasted my life worrying about how I will get by day to day, and never figured out about my future. In the end, I was going to be a worker barley getting by for the rest of my life with no partner, no kids, and who hated every second of being alive. Then my chance, my chance to leave it all behind in the form of a simple semi-truck. I took the chance of being able to escape it. Now I have friends and powers in another world and they don't know me. They know you, Gray Kyojin the man who wants to be a hero. The idiot, the guy who gets back up, you stick out in everybody's mind, you are what I want to be and you took it from me. The only time they ever saw me was when I was angry or pouting and they hated me for it, and I hate you for it. I am in another world and I am still the same petty, angry, prideful, scared, weak, worthless baby who complains and cries about anything and everything.
I don't want to be here anymore, so you take it, you take full control of the wheel. No more lying, no more masks or personas. Be who I wanted to be. You fix my mistake of leaving them and helping your friends, while also making a name for yourself. Continue to shine like gold in their memories as you do in mine. Don't be a lonely person like I was. Be better, be a good man. I trust my life to you, Gray Kyojin.}
It was like so much pain, so much time was finally coming to an end. Musashis teachings, Kioshis strength, Als care, and all of their sacrifices pushing him to the place he's wanted to be for his entire life. Where he had strength, where he could say he had and still was giving it his all. Where he could list all of the reasons he has to keep going whether he wants to or not, where he could list all of the things he was fighting for and had to fight for. Where he could look at himself and not feel hatred, but instead joy. Anything close to acceptance.
Gray {Wonder if Azalea's gonna make fun of me again. Ugh…it's cold…}
But Gray wasn't deep within his OD or surrounded by shadow. He was instead filled with pain, once again laying in a bed covered in bandages, and staring at the beautiful girl watching over him with care. Her eyes widened the second Grays opened, lunging to give him a hug. Sobbing, trying to ease the pain, while all of the memories of the castle fell back into Grays mind. Their complete and utter failure, the loss of Walgonia, and the Sect of Anarchy's complete victory. So, sitting in that small cozy room, staring out the window to see the dark snowy sky, he had to take a breath and stay strong. He couldn't falter, not ever again.
Rosemary: "You're finally awake! After everything had happened I was so scared! I was so scared you would be gone too."
Then came the rushing memories of Ophelia, triggering Gray so tear up all the same.
Gray: "....."
He couldn't speak, he couldn't say anything that could fix this. He could only think of all the nice things she had said, the times she made him laugh, the hero she was to the end. He could only think about how shattered their group was, how shattered Soku was. How, even though he crawled his way back from the abyss of his mind, he was facing the reality of complete undeniable loss. That loss was cold compared to the newly lit spirit within, something he was no where used to. So he had to speak, he couldn't let sadness over take him and he had to run ahead of it all; He notices that Rosemary had cut her hair to a shoulder length, choosing to lean away from the sadness.
Gray: "You cut your hair? It looks pretty."
It worked, instantly making the somber Rosemary flare up red. Yet it wasn't much, just enough to make her happy, still holding him with her trembling hands.
Rosemary: "Sokus hair got burned by Arthur fire…so I thought I'd cut my hair to make her feel better."
Gray: "That's nice of you…"
Rosemary: "It's just a gesture."
Gray took a breath, trying to push it down and down and down. So he looked around at their room, a bit confused to just where he was.
Gray: "So uh, where are we?"
Rosemary: "We road atop Dema and Edward flew us to a place called Greenvale. It's a hidden village, of the Leviathan army."
That was something that made his ears stand up, smiling just a bit.
Gray: "Then we made it. We made it through the Knight Exams and survived that damn castle. And now we're finally here."
But he couldn't just throw all of the despair away, he couldn't just turn his head and act like he felt nothing. So, unable to think about anything else, he finally spoke.
Gray: "Is Soku okay?"
Rosemary: "She hasn't spoken to anybody…but she's eating."
Gray: "And Edward?"
Rosemary: "He has been swinging his sword around outside since we got here. He also isn't speaking much."
He couldn't, he just couldn't; Gray felt like he had made it so far, like it was his starting line, but all he could feel now was just how long this road was going to be. To defeat Arthur, the Sects leaders, their remaining Lower Pillars, their large amount of forces, and take back an entire country. After some of the strongest in this world just failed to do so.
Gray: "....I'm sorry."
Rosemary: "For what?"
Gray, unwilling to just push it all down again, starts to break down, trying to hide his face from Rosemary.
Gray: "If I hadn't left, if I had just stayed, we might have been able to leave. I just left you guys…with no reason or prior notice."
Rosemary: "I know what it feels like to leave, that you can't do anything anymore. And I know how it feels when it blows up in your face. You can talk to me, and I'll always try and help."
They held each others hands, the distance between them slowly getting shorter.
Gray: "It's like had a relapse. Look I wasn't in a good place before this…I tried to hide it from myself but I just fell back into the same problems I had before. So instead of making everybody else's life worse I figured…ya know…just give up. And because of that we lost. Ophelia, Musashi, Kioshi, all gone…"
Rosemary: "But, we got away! If we break down and become only focused on our loss, what we did wrong instead of growing and moving on, then it'll be like spitting in their faces!"
Her rise in expression surprised Gray, but also caused his own heart to rise as well. Trying to wipe away the tears and sadness, to be strong for the others that needed him to be. And for himself, using Rosemary's given strength to help pull himself back up.
Gray: "Thank you. I can't thank you enough for how much you've helped me."
Finally, he explodes, screaming out just as Rosemary had did prior.
Gray: "LOOK! I LIKE YOU AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS STUFF WORKS AND I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU LIKE ME OR SOMETHING! I KNOW YOU SAID IT BUT! BUT IT'S JUST SO HARD TO BELIVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"
His words were all to familiar to Rosemary, but they made her happy all the same. Once again tearing up, but now from relief and joy. From the love between them, the strongest thing that's outlasted and grown through every single loss.
Rosemary: "Why do you think I was sleeping in the same bed as you? I know we both had another reason but if I didn't like you I don't think I would have done that. And you know me! You know how hard it is for me to say things like that! So you know it's the truth."
Gray: " just never thought somebody would like me…"
Rosemary: "I would be a liar if I said I didn't feel the same way."
Gray had to take a deep breath, to say everything that had been building. To finally put his heart on the line for her.
Gray: "You, you are like a bright light. Even when you're scared, you're mocked, you're hurt, and you act like it doesn't affect you. You always take on the burden and any other burden you can, and you still stay optimistic! If you weren't with us, we would have died in every scenario. At Sokus' house, the mansion, and even the castle. You have carried us the entire way and have no ego, you're not super prideful, nothing! All you do is say how you're not strong! You have all this strength, strength that hurts so badly and you use it like it's nothing You act like a normal, shy person. It's…it's inspiring."
Her heart skipped a beat, flaring up with Grays next words. His face glowing just as red.
Gray: "You, you are a real hero! The best of all of us, since the beginning and definitely at the end. If you weren't here, if you didn't save me, I would be long gone. I would just be the same person I was before all of it."
He had to say it, even if it was too early, even if it hurt, even if she rejected it, he had to.
Gray: "I love you Rosemary. More than anything or anyone! Nobody else has made me feel so safe, so warm! You're the kindest person I've ever met, the strongest! You don't talk to me like you want me to be something I'm not, like you wanna fix me, but you're also not a liar. You tell me when I'm wrong and you let me make my own choices to fix that. I know if you don't feel the same way or if this is too much or -
But she just hugged him, crying into his warm arms. So, so happy. That she had something after all of this, that their connection wasn't just another failure in her life, that she had truly done it. She had found somebody that felt the same way about her that she did with them, somebody she could really feel safe with.
Rosemary: "I love you too, I love you so much!"
Blushing, hugging, and crying, they kissed. Climbing into his bed they begin to embrace each other for the first time.
With all the events that occurred in a short time, these people broke down by the worlds they were placed in, and crawled to safety. Not flawless though, with all the deaths that occurred on the path the surviving it could be said it wasn't worth it. Strugglers survive together, using their strength and drive to hold up everyone else. They aren't perfect people, but they aren't bad people either, they are normal people. With struggles, worries, fear, and rage, holding it in to achieve the things they want. Even in another world, with a different history, and a completely different way of doing things, the human spirit stays the same, never changing no matter what you look or feel like. They are truly human, every last one of them. But above all of that was this want, this want to be better, to use their strength not for themselves but for others. To fight for something greater than themselves. That was what made them special, and what made them the candidates to be true heroes.