Night comes in a moment, and i just stood around the house watching…my family, i wanted to feel like one of them, but now i have to leave. i walk out of this beautiful dream and into the balcony. i look outside at the horizon, i first want to go to Sarah. i remember all those moments i was in two places at the same time, when i was on the lake shore and the building was behind me, when i went from the theatre straight in Sarah's apartment. i can do this too.
i turn back to the apartment, it's not George's kitchen anymore, it's Sarah's. i'm in her balcony. i enter the kitchen, go in the foyer and go to her room. She's naked. She is wiping her body with a towel. i turn my sight away and see the knocked down door. i know what i have to do.
i go into her bathroom, it's dark but i can't turn on the light so i pull out the compass. The mirror is steamed, i put my finger on it and start writing.
'i forgive you go to George be with him be together it would make me happy'
i stop after 'i forgive you', it won't fit all, i already filled a line. Under i write:
'be with George'
'i'd be happy'
i go to the shower cabin and throw down all the shampoos and the soaps. i hear Sarah's quick steps, i make a few steps back and hide to the left of the cabinet. Light in the bathroom turns on, i hear her coming from my right, walking carefully over the splinters and the wood pieces, goes past me and sees the thrown stuff. She's restless, she kind of has the idea of what's happening.
She then turns to the mirror and looks straight at me, straight into my eyes. She's shocked. She sees me. She can see me. i get scared too that i drop the compass, i bend down fast and grab it before it touches the floor and put it quickly in my pocket. i get back up. Sarah is right in my face. Nose to nose, eye to eye. i can read perfectly the fear in her eyes, not terror, but other kind of fear. But i don't think she can see me anymore. She isn't looking into my eyes, she's moving hers left and right trying to find them though. She knows that i should be here, but she doesn't see me.
She then turns back to the mirror, trying to search for me in the reflection, but she can't see me anymore. i think it was the compass. How stupid i am. i see her eyes following the text written on the mirror. She covers her mouth with her hands. i shouldn't have done this, she's terrified now. But i didn't know what else to do.
She's not moving at all, she's petrified, except her eyes, they still move around trying to look for me. She gets out of her fear trap and gets close to the mirror, wiping the writing with her finger to check if it's really there. She then takes another careful look around the bathroom, one in which she meets my eyes again, by accident, and then she goes to her room.
i find her sitting on her bed thinking deeply. It's enough, i don't want to force her more. i can't. i get out to the foyer. and through the apartment door i enter Matt's room. Light's on, Matt's in his bed, sleeping. Near his bed, other empty bottles of beer, new ones. It's like he has a beer factory, or a hidden fortune he is bent on spending all on beer. i can take him a little harder, i'm sure he's still piss drunk and maybe he'll think it's a dream, maybe he'll think it's from the booze.
i close the light in his room, take out the compass, light up my face with it, and grab his shoulder and shake him hard. i keep shaking him until he wakes up. i see him turning to me and looking into my eyes, half panicked, half sleepy. He keeps staring at me, with his sleepy eyes, but they get wider and more awake by the second. He's still. No reaction. And then the eyes open up so wide so suddenly that i thought his eyeballs will fall out.
"Go to Sarah, now! Tell her how much you love her. Go to her and love her. i give you permission, you heard?! Move!"
Matt jumps back, slamming himself to the wall behind, he knows it's not a dream, he knows he's not imagining this. He just keeps pushing himself backwards, trying to go through the wall and far away from me. i put the compass back in the pocket. It's dark now. He gets up from the bed and shyly goes to the light to turn it on. He's trembling and looking around the room in a chaotic manner. Desperate to see me already, to know where i'm hiding. He doesn't see me though.
After a few long minutes in which he kept looking around the room and behind his back, he finally calms down a little and sits back on his bed. He sits his head into his palms and sighs.
"No. No, no, no. I don't believe it. What's going on? It was just a dream."
He starts wiping his face with his palms, cleaning his eyes from sleepiness, slapping himself to wake up.
"No, it's not true. I'm hallucinating. you don't want this, you don't allow it, you showed it so…brutally. What the fuck, I'm talking to a ghost."
i pull out my phone from the pocket and send him a message.
'Go!'
His phone rings, he looks at the screen and goes again in his statue mode. Still and petrified. i send him another message.
'Now!'
Matt squirms a little in his bed then jumps up on his feet, but he doesn't know what to do. He looks at himself. He's wearing some stained ripped clothes. He undresses fast, puts some proper clothes on and quickly gets out of the room, takes his keys, some flip flops, very classy, and runs to the elevator. i get with him in the elevator.
While going down he keeps checking his messages, and keeps looking left and right, then starts scanning the entire elevator for me. i'd love so much to send him a message now, just to scare him a little more, but no.
The elevator stops and Matt gets out, and me after him. i have to make sure he doesn't go back. So i light up a cigarette and keep a distance of two meters to his side. It amuses me to see him so scared and looking frantically left and right and behind. And it's dark outside which doesn't help much to his horror. He stops suddenly and checks his phone again, he keeps looking around him. He's having doubts, but i'll clear them right now.
'Don't stop'
Phone vibrates, message comes on screen and Matt continues going. He puts his phone back in his pocket and starts walking faster. i think i convinced him enough. i take a right behind him and go in through the door of a store. i go to Sarah's room, light's off. i go out on her balcony and call her. She answers with a sleepy voice.
"Hello?"
"i forgive you."
i hear nothing more than her breath through the phone, and she starts breathing faster and faster.
"T…"
"Please. i forgave you, both of you. Be together."
"Are you…?"
"No, i'm sorry…"
i stop for a second, i want to say something more, i can't believe i am talking with her again and this is what i'm saying. But i have to get this right to go back home, so i close the call. i go to the foyer, i hear her moving around the house. At the door, i hear a knock, he's here. i hear Sarah coming towards me, she turns on the light and looks out through the peephole. She unlocks the door.
"Did you just call me now?!"
"No…"
"Give me your phone."
Matt looks at her, confused of what is going on.
"Give me your phone can't you hear me?!"
He takes out his phone and Sarah snatches it. She presses the button to open it, it has a password. She gives it back to him.
"Unlock it!"
Matt puts his thumb on the sensor, the phone is unlocked, Sarah takes it back and looks through his calls. He didn't call her. She looks at him, her face, is so hurtful.
"I…I think I dreamt him."
Matt is shocked.
"I…know, I saw him too. I'm scared."
Sarah goes to him and hugs him.
"When you sent me that message…"
"I was drunk…"
"You said that you love me. Did you say it…did you…do you really…?"
"I, don't remember writing that message…but, it is what I feel."
Oh, it hurts so much… The bitterness. The two of them go to Sarah's room and continue talking there. i can't follow them there. i still can't handle seeing Sarah with someone else. i get out on the balcony and light up a cigarette. This should be all. With my parents and with George, all is going well, and with Sarah and Matt… Now it only depends on them. i did all that was in my powers, even more.
i hear a noise coming from the foyer, i turn and see Sarah coming into the kitchen, she's looking for something in her bag. i go to the other door of the balcony that leads to her room, and through it i see Matt lying in bed, in just his pants. Sarah enters the room, comes and opens the door i'm looking through. She's right in my face, again. On my cheeks, tears start trickling down forming small streams. Gullies start forming on my face.
Sarah exhales relieved, she doesn't seem completely calm yet, but she makes herself. She goes back to Matt, each coming close to the other, and they start kissing. They start touching. Puddles of sweat start forming because of the effort, because of the act, the abundant perspiration. Drops keep flowing, in bigger quantities, heart, it's warm…trembling, burning, hurting, i feel like it's dying, at a beat away from exploding.
But for the first time since i'm here, it's not dead. I feel something…
The two start caressing each other. Undressing. Grasping. They start…
Their room starts lighting so bright. A white light, cold, devoid of warmth or soul. A powerful light. Even if i close my eyes, i see it through my eyelids. Penetrating my eyelashes. i don't know where is coming from this light. i capture it from the corner of my eye, i feel a burn on that spot of the eye. i turn around. It's coming from outside. i can barely keep my eyes closed. i cover my eyes with my palms. i push strongly to keep them sealed from the light and get closer to the window.
But i can still see it, as clearly through the eyelids and through my palms as if i wasn't even covering my eyes. i was right. It's coming from below. i bend over the balcony. i'm not close enough to it. i lean over even more, and more, and lower, and lower, it doesn't matter, i know nothing will happen to me if i fall over.
*
And it happens. i fall. With my eyes closed. i feel the wind. Finally. It's like a gust of air. i feel the cold, it's perfect. It's life. The light is closer and closer to me. As i fall towards it, i start feeling a pain in my chest, on my skin, in my meat, in my blood. i feel my body, all my body, it's so good, and it hurts so bad. Intense pain, covering most of my body, but it hurts! i feel it and i'm so happy for it.
i hear the cars honking somewhere far, and then closer and closer, and as i'm getting closer i discover a rhythm. They're all honking on the same rhythm, with my heart, as chaotic as my beats. i'm alive, i'm more alive than i've ever been in my life. i've made it. i escaped. i'm living.
All slows down. The gust of wind, it gets gentler, warmer. The honks are quieter, further away, even more rhythmic and rare. The light is still there, as strong as always. i'm not falling anymore, i just stay, lay on my back, i know this because…i feel this, i feel the pressure on my back. i think it's time, even if i'm scared. It's time to open my eyes. i feel that Light can't hurt me, he can't, he guided me, he protected me, he saved me. It's time to wake up.
Light…is unforgiving, it makes my eyes burn, it hurts me, i can barely keep them open, but i won't give up, i avoid my sight. i move my head to my right. There's light there too, outside light, other kind of light, yellow, warming, welcoming. And in the middle of that light i see a shape, a shape that just moved, a form that eclipses the light. i don't know what that is, it's just a black spot for now, thin, blurred and unfocused, that little by little starts to get a more definite shape, to focus, to look like…
"So much more to show…I wish we would've had more time in there, before…"
A whisper muddles the image again, but it comes back together after.
It looks like…Sarah. It is her. Oh… It is my Sarah. She's sitting on a chair, near the window, sleeping. She's sitting in a very uncomfortable position. i want to go to her, to cuddle her, feel her, to make sure it's really her, to make sure she's really there. i try to get up but i hit a tube with my hand. It feels like it's ripping my skin, it hurts. i look at the hand, it's an IV drip. There's another tube at my nose, a small one. And my body is in anguish, i'm fighting so hard to not scream right now, not even grunt. i'm numb, and devoid of any strength. i try to get up on my ass, little by little, pushing and pulling myself backwards to climb the pillow with my back.
i didn't die. i think i was in a coma. i put my hand to check my beard. It's not grown that much. i don't think i was away that long. i pull away the tube from my nose, i'm breathing hard, i feel my lungs squeezed, but i can breathe without help. i turn to my right, to the edge of the bed, but only the head goes, the body barely follows. i use my hands and my feet and my whole body, each inch has to contribute to this movement or i'm going to rip myself in half.
i manage to get my legs out and let them fall down over the edge. They're so heavy, i can feel them, i can move them, but they're so fucking heavy. i want to push myself down off the bed, but i'm stopped by the cables connected to the machine. Probably to measure my pulse.
i rip them off me and the alarm starts, the machine starts blaring loud strange sounds, painful to my ear. i make the push and fall on my feet. i can. i can hold myself just on my feet. i quickly grab the drip metal rack and lean heavily on it. Or maybe i can't just on my feet. i use the metal rack as a support for myself and start heading towards Sarah. Small steps, minuscule, not even baby ones. Each one more painful than the precedent.
The door opens suddenly, and two nurses come in alarmed. Sarah is already awake from all the commotion. Confused of what is happening around her, she sees the nurses at the door looking probably at me, she sees me too. She finally sees me too… She sees me coming towards her like a zombie. She gets frightened and gets up faster than a soldier hearing the war alarm. She comes and catches me, to not fall down. Oh, and her body's warmth…!
"Thanks, but, i'm not that helpless."
Sarah takes her hands from under my arms and hugs me. She holds me tight to her body. It hurts tremendously, every bit of my body, but i'm feeling the hug of the woman i love, the pain doesn't matter. One of the nurses went to the machine to stop it. Sarah looks at both of them.
"It's alright. Everything is alright. he's good."
The nurses get out of the room. Sarah bends backwards a little to look at me as a whole.
"Dumb-ass. you leave me and then you go to die? That hard you want to get out of my life?"
She has tears in her eyes, and mine quickly match hers.
"No… No. i'm so sorry, but i didn't want to leave you. i haven't said those words, please believe me, please. i love you and i don't want to be anywhere else than with you."
She starts kissing me. Even my face and my lips hurt. But it's too sweet to groan from all the pain. After a few long seconds, she releases my lips and helps me sit back on the bed. She doesn't want to let my hand from her grasp, and i don't want either.
"Matt? What…"
"He's well. He was discharged yesterday. He's staying at Andreea, she's taking care of him."
i'm so relieved, a stone, no, a mountain i feel, got off my chest.
"i dreamt…that you two…"
Sarah looks at me, she figures it out immediately.
"Such a dummy. I love you. I'll die alongside you. And the way you drive, that's probably going to be much earlier than we would think. You idiot. Just please, take care of yourself, and don't die so young."
"i promise."
It's quiet, but there's a lot of noise, background noise that i didn't noticed was missing from the land of…from my coma dream. There are so many feelings and sensations that fill up my heart and soul, and my eyes can't stop from tearing up. And my heart can't stop from laughing like a kid that just saw an amazing magic trick. It's life. And i don't want it to ever end.
"George, he's good too. I heard what happened, he came here to check on you and told me the story… Uhm…he feels a little responsible for it."
"He shouldn't… Parents? Do they have where to…"
"They moved in George's apartment. He convinced them."
"Dad doesn't have a job anymore but…"
"He does. What are you talking about? you dreamt too much while you…slept."
"How much did i…sleep?"
"I think almost, three days. Yes. you scared me I…I thought that you'd never wake up again…"
She hugs me again, terribly hard. Ah, and the wounds cry in anguish, but i'm handling it, i grind my teeth and hold it in. Because i don't ever want this hug to end, no matter how long it would take, how hard it would ache.
"You don't get rid of me that easy…"
i let out a grunt.
"Stay put, I'm going to get the doctor. He said to call him as soon as you wake up."
Sarah gets out of the room and i'm left alone. i get up and start moving slowly towards the window. i feel a little better, and my muscles seem to have sobered up some more. The sun looks like is now rising up. It's still a little uncomfortable to the eye, but the warm rays are tickling my skin. i'm here.
i start laughing suddenly. If someone enters the room now, he'd see a mad man looking outside the window and laughing at the sun. i'm too self-aware… i keep laughing and let go, all my laughter i let it get out. It's so good. i'm not alone anymore. i'm not…dead anymore.
Olsana was right, i forgave and i escaped that nightmare. And i hope nothing even happened from what i lived…there. Maybe it all was just a dream. But…the cemetery, the tomb. i was there before i got into the coma. i have to talk with my parents about this, maybe they know something, if not, i'll go to the library or the archives. i'll find the truth somehow.
i get back to my bed and sit down on it. It still hurts, my whole body. Fuck. i need to find out the truth, and i also have a duty, to help Ligh…
The door opens, with a large smile on my face and a huge will to live, i turn towards the doctor. It's Him… No. It's just a man with dark skin, an African, by the clothes probably just another patient. He gave me such a scare, i was suddenly tense again, ready for whatever fucked up thing would come again against me. But he's just a patient, a little confused seemingly, but he looks to the left of the room, at me, and opens his mouth to talk.
"you're far from the end of it. The hardest part now starts. you're weak, you're distracted by what is happening with you. you have to stay tensed, focused. you have to hold it tight, and not let go. Don't relax, keep being tensed. Remember! Don't release it."
A nurse comes and grabs the black man by the hand and pulls out of my room and they disappear, wherever the patient has to go. The door closes and i remain here, lost in silence. The echoes of His words filled the room and made it so hostile. It was after all, His voice, right? It was. i feel that i'm getting drowned in those words. In those sounds. But i don't know what He was talking about, i know that i knew and i know that i have to remember. It's imperative. i can't. He…He told this to me before. When? He…
The door opens again. Sarah enters happily, and after her the doctor that closes the door.
"Are you good?"
"Yeah, i think…"
"you seem somehow scared."
"No, i'm still…trying to get used to, all of this."
The doctor intervenes.
"It's normal to feel a little tired, weakened, even disoriented."
"Yeah…"
"Sit back on the bed please."
i didn't even noticed when i got back up again. i probably jumped up when i saw that black man, and now i feel the pain of that jump through all my body. i sit back on the bed and the doctor comes to do a series of quick tests. First he checks my pupils with a small torch, then my breathing, my muscles, my… Why can't i get rid of Him? i though it was all over!
"That's it. you're in good shape, besides the obvious. As I talked with your parents, your body isn't in a state as awful as it looks, considering the accident that you just went through. The best thing now would be to sleep one more night here, and if you wake up tomorrow and still don't show any sign of cerebral trauma, you can go home right away. We will want to draw some blood and do some last tests to see how your brain is behaving and then we will discharge you. Of course, if you feel well enough."
"It's alright. i'm fine, i just want to go back home."
"After one more night of sleep here. Tomorrow at the earliest."
"No. i'm sorry but i want now."
Sarah puts her hand on my shoulder, but she lets the doctor speak.
"I have to warn you that if you leave now you can risk your health. We still don't know if you have a concussion, as a matter of fact we don't know at all how your brain is manifesting as you just woke up. We will want to do some nonintrusive tests tomorrow. One more night here just to be sure that there are no lesions, and the brain was not affected in any way, and you can go safe and assured back home. I want you to understand that it is against my recommendation for you to get discharged today."
"i understand, but i choose to discharge today."
"Then the nurse will come to draw some blood at least, and the papers will be ready to be signed when you get down at the info desk."
The doctor gets out of the room and Sarah turns to me. She's all a smile. i can't not smile too.
"you're so stubborn. C'mon, let's get you changed before the nurse comes, and then we leave."
"Ok."
"Are you sure you don't want to spend another night here?"
"No. i want to stay with you."
"I'll stay here for another night dummy, just…"
"No…please."
"I don't know what got into you, what scared you so much here. I would've spent gladly another night here with you, but…"
"Thanks. For everything. But you're tired too. Let's just get home, wherever that is, well, always where you are but…let's just get out of here."
*
The rest of the day goes fast. All is beautiful, outside is beautiful, but my reality feels different. i can't pay attention to the exterior, i can't enjoy what is happening around me. Even if i should be grateful and enjoy that i'm still alive. And i should be with Sarah. i can't. i'm stuck. Concentrated on my interior, focused deep inside me, where, since i've awaken from my coma, i started to hear a muffled cry, a roar full of rage…and pain, terrifying, some kind of monster that wants to get out and destroy everything i have. Everything i am.
i concentrate on that roar. i try to stay tensed how He says, and focused. Because i don't want it to escape, but if it escapes, i must know immediately. i start to remember His words, not from now, i don't know from when. But i remember… He said, if i let go i'll die. i have to hold it tight.
The nurse comes, draws blood, i sign the discharge paper and get into a taxi with Sarah. Taxi stops in front of George's place, a little unusual but i don't give it attention. We go up to the apartment, where my parents were waiting for me at the door, they hug me and sit me at the kitchen table.
They're happy to see me. George also, his sister and his brother too. Everybody is happy. Everything is so beautiful, serene, splendid, like a heart-warming ending to a most tragic film. But all feels so far and disconnected from me. Everything's fucking perfect… Except me. i'm holding tight, focused, like a guardian trying to watch, to guard over the beast, to protect my world from it. i must not, i cannot let my guard down, and relax, and focus on something else.
Evening passed, i tried to eat, i talked with everybody, don't even know what, it was concise, short, direct. They understood that i still have to recover and the time to get to sleep came. But i can't. The beast. i'm scared of it.
i don't manage to get a hold of the time that is passing around me, to realize what is happening around me. i feel how i have my body on autopilot and i miss moments of what i'm doing, just so i won't let go. Now i'm in the foyer, with Sarah holding my hand. She has her shoes on. How did we got here, isn't she sleeping with me?
"Alright, I'll leave now. Take a good rest and we'll talk tomorrow morning. you'll call me right after you get up ok?"
"Ok… Wait! Don't leave. i can't sleep alone. i feel like i'm going crazy. Please. Sleep with me, in the bed, with me… Please. i don't know how to explain it to you. i can't relax at all. i can't…be alone right now. Please…"
Sarah looks at me. She's a little confused, especially after what happened the last two times. i know i'm not in the position to make such a request…
"Of course I'll sleep with you love."
That was the most full of love love she said to me, with a smile bigger than this entire building. Sarah comes with me, we get changed and get in the bed. The light goes off. Sarah doesn't know i can't sleep without my night light. And i didn't saw it around the room either. i wouldn't have used it anyway but… It's dark. So dark. i get closer to Sarah and hold her in my arms, tight. It's…heaven. It's all that i want. i can…i don't need the night light.
The sea of darkness that i'm bathing in right now it's not pitch black anymore. It's a darkness different than i met until now. In fact, i think i met this before. It's pink, a darkness somehow lighter, red with pink and a source of light somewhere far away, obstructed by a membrane similar to skin. As if i'm having my eyes closed in a lit room.
i'm not scared. i feel so protected. i feel like a baby in his mother's womb. The sensation brings back a memory from birth. The most pleasant memory. The maternal love, protecting. Sleep comes and i'm awaiting it. i'm not alone anymore. i'm not sad anymore. i'm not…tensed anymore… i'm relaxed… Finally.
All is so perfect in the silence of the night. Silence interrupted by the most fierce and painful roar. He escaped.