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I've always had this feeling loom over me everywhere I go. I've always been haunted by something I never had the chance to see… It was all in my head, but I just wanted to see what it looked like.
Back when I was still a kid, it all started in that sandbox… When I thought I was alone, when I thought nobody was around — that's when Erisa-san approached me.
I didn't recognize her back then… B-but somehow, she knew me... she knew my name. I thought I was just some random kid you wouldn't pay any attention to, but there she was with that radiant smile of hers.
She approached me without any fear or hesitation even when I looked unapproachable at the time. It's funny… How? It was because of my clumsiness and knack for exploration, I met the person that became my first ever friend.
Erisa hugged me and told me that I was always such a crybaby. She probably saw it from some corny morning television drama and wanted to reenact a scene. At the time, I thought it was stupid… but I still folded.
I cried… and cried… until I couldn't cry anymore. Throughout the entire time I cried, she held me in her arms while rubbing the back of my head. It felt… warm, calming… and safe. If my life were a romance comedy, I would have been the main heroine.
But… that looming feeling was still there, even if Erisa clung onto me. It still haunted me to that day… It hurts. The pain never went away, it never gave me the chance to feel something other than sorrow… And suddenly, it subsided.
For the first time in my life, I felt nothing but the warmth of a hug. I was a kid back then, but now… I think I know what this feeling was… what that throbbing sensation in my heart was.
I was in love.
Little Kane fell in love with somebody that made him feel something other than pain. It was laughable how my reason for falling head over heels for someone back then was because they made me feel warm. How innocent I was back then.
I knew I wasn't normal, my parents knew I wasn't normal, everyone around me knew I wasn't normal… But Erisa-san, she didn't care. All she cared about was…
"...Wanting to see how you smile!"
After that, her father came to the playground looking for her. He looked at me with a resent-filled gaze — something I have already grown accustomed to by now since that was how people normally stared at me.
But this time, somebody actually defended me. Despite being shouted at to let me go, she shouted back at him with a fiery gaze, telling him that she was never letting go until I finally smiled everyday.
Heh, our friendship blossomed after that. We always walked back home together… Well, it was more of me walking Erisa-san home, and having my parents pick me up from their apartment complex.
Everyday was still fun. For the first time in my life, it felt as if that looming feeling was gone. I was finally free from that prison. From those mental binds. It was good — it felt good to be able to enjoy life just like any other kid.
My parents also took notice of this change in my personality. They got so used to me looking so deadpan and expressionless that this new look of mine was... shocking for them, to say the least.
Nevertheless, they were obviously happy about my change in the right direction. They began asking me about this new friend I made, and after a long and detailed explanation, they instantly recognized her last name: Fujikawa.
That was how I also got to celebrate Christmas together with her! Since her father and mine were friends since middle school, they instantly got together and scheduled a celebration at their apartment.
It still is a fond memory for me that I cherish deeply.
With her by my side, elementary school felt all the more peaceful and fun. Without her, I probably wouldn't have any fond memories of elementary school.
We were always grouped together when it came to group works and projects. I even began to enjoy studying when she was around… even though I was the one constantly teaching her subjects she didn't understand all too well.
Despite her somewhat nerdy look now compared to her past self, she wasn't exactly all that good grade-wise. We would always find time to head on over to the library and read whatever was on the bookshelf rather than studying.
Whenever I did get the chance to teach however, she would always try to slip out of the library with a lame excuse like her needing to go to the toilet or fetch her stuff from her desk.
At first, I believed it — obviously, those were some valid reasons… until I realized she never had the intention of coming back. Every time I would go out of the library after 30 minutes had passed, I would see her sit down with her knees up to her face against the library door.
It was a funny sight I always got the chance to see — I even laughed at her a couple of times. After that, I made sure to prepare everything so she didn't have an excuse to escape her teaching session.
Things continued like that until… middle school. During that time, I met Kazuo-san since he was a classmate of mine who thought I was an otaku — just like him. I also met Ryūzaki-kun at the same time since he was passing by and heard Suou-san talking about anime with me.
But, something felt off… I felt that looming feeling form itself over me again. I had begun to think that looming feeling came from the fact that I was always a loner — and now that I'm surrounded by people I could consider my friends, I thought it would never come back.
Yet, here I am… feeling that dread and emptiness I have come to forget because of Erisa-san. And even worse, she grew further and further away. I didn't know why… b-but she distanced herself. Her once radiant smile was now gone.
I tried talking with her on multiple occasions whenever I had the chance, but she always walked the other way. I never knew how I was supposed to react to this, so I just let it fester.
That feeling haunted me again, even with Ryūzaki-kun and Kazuo-san beside me. It sucked. It sucked that I could only rely on Erisa-san to get this looming feeling away from me.
Was it because I loved her? Did… did this empty feeling only disappear when I was with the person I loved?
I always thought that was impossible — those kinds of things are only possible in romance comedies… not real life. So, why am I getting so affected?
This distance continued on up until our graduation and the beginning of our life as second years in middle school. I began to think that Erisa-san already forgot about me… that she hated being around me.
Still, I couldn't let go. I couldn't let go of the person that saved me — Erisa-san saved me, so I kept on chasing after her, I owed my life to her, and just like her… I never wanted to let go until… I saw her….. smile....
Right, that's when I stopped chasing. She already saw me smile. She already finished what she wanted to do. She had no reason to stay because… she already saw that smile she always wanted to see.
"Why?" I spoke under my breath, now standing in an endless white void.
"Why!? Was that really your only reason for staying!?!" I cried out into the white abyss. My voice echoed on for miles, and it never reached anybody.
"I-if you only stayed just to see my smile…" I looked down at my shoes. My vision was cloudy as I felt tears pouring out of my eyes. I couldn't stop it — not now.
"...THEN I SHOULD HAVE NEVER SMILED IN THE FIRST PLACE!" I shouted.
…I wanted to hear Erisa-san comfort me again, and act like she knows me despite not having any prior connection.
…I wanted to feel Erisa-san's embrace and sink my head into her shoulders.
…I wanted to walk home with Erisa-san everyday after school.
…I wanted to talk with Erisa-san about the manga I read or the anime I watched.
…I wanted to do so many fun things with Erisa-san during the summer vacation.
…I wanted that looming feeling gone.
My legs began to quake as I continued crying. I tried my best to wipe away the tears with my sleeve, but it was futile. It served no purpose because I was alone… Without Erisa-san, I felt empty.
Even if Erisa-san only saw me as a friend — as long as we were together, that was enough for me.
I was able to feel happy with her by my side.
...Is it wrong of me to think that way?
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"I…" I spoke under my breath. I knew what I had to say to Erisa-san. Despite giving me the biggest pain I had ever had the chance at receiving in this life, and the fact I no longer had feelings for her, she deserved this answer.
"...don't hate you, Erisa-san."
Knowing her, she's probably gonna feel a big weight get taken off her shoulder. Anybody would feel their guilt and remorse get lifted away after being told they're not hated by the person they wronged.
Am I stupid for still having this outlook on life? Possibly. But now that Erisa-san is back after a year and four months…
I'm starting to feel that looming feeling fade away once again.
Sighing deeply, I resign myself to whatever comes next before looking back outside. I fully expect her to happily respond and say something along the lines of being glad and returning to gym class — after all, I suppose the only reason she came here was to get that off her chest.
Maybe, if fate were a little bit nicer, me and Erisa-san could go back to the way we were before… What am I thinking? That's just hopeless dreaming.
I then hear Erisa-san sniffling. Turning my head over quickly, my eyes widen and I feel my heart sink as I see Erisa crying her eyes out.
I began to speak in a hushed tone as my prior assumption was suddenly shattered, "W-what? Why are you crying? I-I thought you would…"
Biting my tongue, I knew I needed to stop talking immediately.
What I was about to say was just downright stupid and inconsiderate considering the fact that a girl was crying in front of me... Not just any girl, but Erisa-san.
Even with this reasoning, I could only just sit on my bed and watch like a coward. Why couldn't I bring myself to just stand up and give her a hug, like how she used to do it before? Was I scared? Or was I just too…
Shaking my head, I reach my hand out to her — I can prove myself wrong, I know it.
Suddenly, she begins to stutter while she weeps, "B-b-because…" she tries her best to wipe away her tears.
"Y-you've suffered for so long, and you still don't hate me…" She spoke, her voice cracking with every word that escaped her mouth.
It was heartbreaking to see Erisa-san like this. That bubbly person I used to know back when we were still kids didn't know how to cry. She never once showed me such a weak side of her.
Every time I saw her crying in front of me, it always made me feel the same way.
It made me feel like crap.
I reached for my back pocket, before pulling out a handkerchief. I looked to the side to hide my solemn face, before handing her the handkerchief and saying, "H-here… use this to wipe your face."
I felt the handkerchief get taken from my hand, so I began to pull away… but… it seems I couldn't let go. In confusion, I look back to Erisa-san.
She took a hold of both my hand and handkerchief, her face red from either the crying or embarrassment out of what she was about to do next. She sniffles, before saying with a frown, "N-nee, Kane-kun…"
Her expression then softens as she leans forward into the handkerchief, placing her lips against it. She then looks up at me with those entrancing purple eyes, before speaking with a sweet tone — her voice muffled by the handkerchief.
"Thank you, Kane-kun."
I felt my heart thump just like how it did before... When she made me feel something other than that feeling that always haunted me.
Without noticing it, a smile had already formed on my face.
...
No wonder why I fell in love with you when we were just kids.