𝓒𝓪𝓼𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓻𝓪
"Come on, Cassie wake up" Cassie let out a growl before hiding her head under the fur cover of her bed. She hadn't slept much those days. As if it was possible to sleep less than what she normally did. After what had happened with Jon it was almost impossible for her to sleep at night.
The memory of Aesteria had never once left her mind in all those years but she had been able to push it aside, to keep going; otherwise she would have gone mad. But telling Jon had been exhausting for her nerves. Cassie didn't like it, she didn't like to talk about Aesteria or what happened one bit. It was a memory of hers, something she had to live with, no one else's. Not that anyone had cared.
No one cared.
"Cassie" Rose's gentle voice reached throught the covers "We let you sleep, but we can't be late. Not today" the princess groaned again.
That day would be endless; Lady Eloyse would announce officially the girls who had enough capacity to control their powers and for that they were ready to take off their gloves and become a Keeper of Light. It was all very poetic but what they were actually doing that day was totally different. To be a Keeper they didn't need a ceremony, they were born like that; that day the girls were about to be marked to let all the world know what they really were.
After the Conquest, the Targaryens came to know about people like Cassie and decided to send them to the Wall and to mark them with a tattoo on the hand to make possible to everyone to distinguish Keepers from people. At the very beginning the girls were marked not so long after their births, with centuries the order decided to make it like a rite of passage, an initiation to a new life; a life of control.
Cassie remembered when she got hers; she was so proud of herself. She felt like she had become an adult. When she had shawn it to her mother, she looked at it with a little smirk, but not a proud one, almost mocking and her words still echoed in Cassie's mind.
"Now everyone can see what you are."
At that moment Cassie didn't understand, but it didn't took too long for her to notice how people on the road looked at her when they spotted her hand.
"You haven't even eat" Rose reproved her while they were walking down the stairs of Castle Black that lead to the main field.
"I'm not hungry" Cassie answered passing an hand through her long black hair.
Rose gently stopped Cassie by her forearm "Are you still angry at Jon for what happened?" she asked carefully.
"I've never been angry at him for that" Cassie muttered "Or you"
She had been cold with Rose, but not because she was angry. Cassie understood that Rose was the one who told Jon about Aesteria and she didn't want to see the look of pity on her friend's face, or Jon's.
Rose's lips curved in a small smile, a sympathy one. Cassie looked away and kept walking down.
The yard was crowded with people. The keepers were aligned by age and the novices were at the opposite side from them. Cassie looked at the girls who were about to get marked, they didn't wear their black rags anymore, they had their own vest; Hidy was jumping in joy unable to stay still, Freema was beside her smiling shyly and Neho, a girl of sixteen who had subjugated a man of the Watch when she was ten, had finally menaged to control her powers.
All the girls stopped chatting when the Matriarch, Vyva, Lylith and Freya made their entrance. Those were the oldest Keepers and they would have been the ones to mark the girls.
"This day is the most important day of all" Lady Eloyse began "Since this day forward, you'll be able to let everyone know that you are in control, that they should not fear you because you are here to protect them, guard them and that you would never hurt them. Your life is for Westeros and from today you can rise and call yourselves Keepers of Light" the three girls who had knealt as soon as the Matriarch entered, rose on their feet with proud smiles on their faces. When Lady Eloyse gave the order they approach one of the older women and set down before them.
The marking would have took long, the tattoo covered their right wrist in black lines interviewed with one another, it would rise on the back of their hand in what seemed like a flowered pattern and just under their nails around each finger there were other lines. All of them had the exact same mark and when the keepers reached their thirties they had to learn how to make it on skin for the girls who would join the order.
Cassie looked up and she saw some men of the Night's Watch observing them from the castle. The lord commander wasn't there, but Jon was. He and his friends were set on the stairs, eyes fixed on what was happening. She remembered the first time he and his brothers had seen her tattoo on her hand. They thought it was splendid and she had thanked them; they weren't looking at her like she was dangerous or different, they never did. Not even Ned and Catelyn.
She then met Jon's eyes; they hadn't spoke much since that last time, but those days they set together sometimes whatching the snow falling on Castle Black and enjoying the silence. He wasn't pushing her to talk and she was greatful for that. Jon smiled down at her and she returned the gesture before turning again to focus on the ceremony.
It took the keepers three hours to finish the tattoos and the three girls were exhausted, the marking wasn't painless. Freema had cried and even Hidy, but as soon they had done the talkative girl run to Cassie to show her her hand. Cassie nodded almost unimpressed before Willyana walked closer.
"Congratulations, Hidy" she said.
"Thank you, Willyana" she exclaimed, her eyes red and puffy from the crying but her smile was wide on her face.
She is happy, Cassie thought looking at the girl.
"Come on, Cassie" Willy said linking her arm with hers "It's lunch time"
The rest of the day had been the same as usual. They had eaten and Pyp had amused all the hall with his imitations; now almost everyone listened to him during meals, men and women. Cassie spotted even Derya enjoying his company and it was the first time in almost ten years that they set together when it didn't involved being beyond the Wall, freezing in the snow. Cassie hadn't spotted Samwell, Jon's friend, but Rose had told her that the boy liked to be in the library on his free time. At least Maester Aemon will have some kind of company, she thought keeping eating. Then she had to train in combat with the girls in a special training where a girl get attacked by three keepers. It could happen beyond the Wall. The wildlings that had her power were very ruthless, they had lost many companions under their touch. Then she had a couple of hours of sewing lesson, but even that didn't managed to make peace in her mind. She needed time, like everytime she had thought about Aesteria.
In the evening she walked in the great hall and she saw Donar, the cook wave his hand at her, she nodded her head to greet him back, then she turned to look at the room. Pyp was on the table singing a song imitating Thorne's voice, Grenn was laughing so hard that he had his head laying on the table as Rose had covered her lips with her hand. Willy's face was red as she leaned her head on Todder's shoulder. In all that mess she couldn't spot Jon. It seemed like he wasn't at dinner. But maybe he was in Ghost's cell. The white direwolf wasn't allowed to walk free around Castle Black, some people were scared of him. Cassie liked the creature and some days she went to him just to enjoy the silence and his fur. He was fluffy and he liked to be pat on the head, from her at least.
Cassie wasn't hungry so she decided to head outside. It was becoming colder by the day and the snow covered the yard like a thin white cover. She put her forearms on the edge of the railing enjoying the little snowflakes melting on her face. Sometime she was glad that her powers made her resist the cold, the snow was truly beautiful. Well now at least, that they weren't submerged by it. She wondered how winters were at the Wall, especially a winter as the one they were waiting, after a summer so long.
"Did it hurt?" at those words Cassie turned her head to see Samwell Tarly a few feet from her. His cape was around him thight to prevert the cold weather to hit his body and his cheeks and nose were slightly red for the cool wind. He was looking at her with a gentle gaze.
"What?" she asked probably sounding harsh but he just pointed his gloved finger to her hand.
"The tattoo" he said curiously "Did it hurt? It surely seems like it" a smile appeared on his face.
"It was not pleaseant, no" she answered looking back at the black lines on her hand.
"I've read somewhere that is like an initiation" Samwell told her "Like our vows are for us" she studied him trying to understand why he was there and what he wanted from her.
"It seems like it, but no" she said "It is far from it" seeing the curious look on his face she went on "People like to know what they should be scared of" Cassie saw him nodding his head like he understood what she was saying. Apparently he liked to read, probably he knew the story of her order even better than her.
"When did you get yours?" he asked without stop smiling.
"Seven" she answered with a frown. Why was he here? Did Jon talk him to go to her?
At her answer his eyes widened "You must had been very scared, I sure would have been" he said laughing nervously.
She studied him, his hands behind his back, swinging his weight back and forward on hif feet, looking at her with soft eyes and a gentle smile.
"What do you want?" she asked suddenly making Samwell blink his eyes in surprise, but then his expression softened in a shy one.
"I was going back to my cell and I saw you alone" he said "I just wanted to keep you company" he didn't seem taken aback by her behavior, nor intimidated. It was curious, at the Wall people soft like him always stayed away from her, like she scared them off; sometimes she did it on purpose to not have company.
"Yes well.." Cassie said looking at the boy in front of her in the eyes "I'm fine on my own"
She listened him letting out a light laugh making her frown "No one is fine on his own" he said knowingly "It gives you peace when you want to stay away from something, but after sometime everything seems cold" Cassie looked at him, his eyes. Something in them make her mind wonder, there was saddnes, hidden but it was there, she could see it clearer than she liked to admit.
"Who?"
"What?" he muttered with a tense smile.
"Who you wanted to stay away from?" it was someone, not something. Something was easy to avoid, but a person wasn't. Maybe was for that that he spent all his time in a dusty library, to hide from someone.
"My father" at that she turned fully towards him. His father… She studied hie eyes, they were like clouded now and they tried not to look at her directly. Like he wanted to reveal something of himself, or his story. Something buried in him that maybe he didn't want to remember. Was he afraid of his father?
He caught her staring, but she didn't stop too focused on understanding more about what troubled him.
"You know" he said walking towards her before stopping and looking at the snow falling from the dark sky "You had been the first girl I had ever talked to. I mean, not now. When you came with the King to Hornhill" she frowned, she was awful at remember things. She held bits and pieces of that place. She almost didn't remember even Samwell, even there he always disappeared somewhere.
"I'm sorry" she said knowing perfectly how she was "Other girls would surely be more pleaseant."
"Not at all" he smiled and he seemed honest about that "My father wanted for me to go training with the sword, but I didin't want to" she tried to focus on what he was saying "He started to yell at me and I was about to cry when you arrived and told him "If you want to train so bad…""
"Why don't you go by yourself" she said with a small smile remembering suddenly.
"I really wished Samwell could take me company today" he finished. She remembered, she was walking in the corridor of the castle when she had heard a man's voice yelling, when she turned the corner she saw lord Randyll yelling at his son. She didn't like what she saw, what she heard, so she came up with an excuse. When the man walked away she made sure Samwell was alright before going away, since the boy wanted to go to the library.
Samwell laughed at the memory "My father could not spoke against princess Cassandra Baratheon and he went away. I've never seen his face so red" Cassie laughed quietly understanding the feeling. Then she observed Samwell again. Lord Randyll yelled that he was a disappointment, unworthy of his name and title.
"Is it because of him that you came here?" she asked bluntly. His gaze fell away from her trying to hide something. Since he had arrived at the Wall she was wondering what could have brought him there and now she could understand.
"I volunteered" he muttered, but she knew best.
"I recognize a…" she esitated before keep going "Man like Randyll Tarly when I see one. Even I know that you are not a warrior, but a smart young man. Eldest son of an important House. You are too kind to do something that could have lead you here and not skilled enough to be a volounteer and you are very aware of that" she had looked at him, he wasn't improoving, he had just made friends. Friends who didn't hurt him anymore but still…
She saw him taking a breath before start talking "The day of my name day, my fathter told me that I should have left to take the black. He didn't want for me to be his heir, he prefers my little brother Dickon. I already knew that" on his face a there was a paintful expression, while he was talking "But he said that if I had refused, he would have brought me to the woods and killed me, My choices were limited" she could feel anger built up in her hearing that story.
"You have a father who is not a father. It's not on you " Cassie almost growled, parents shouldn't act like that, doing something so malicious.
"And what about you?" his sudden question made her eyes widen.
"Me?" she asked almost unsure.
He looked at her with sympathy, not pity. Like he understood whatever she was feeling. He was understanding what she was feeling, even though his situation was far worst from hers.
"My father.." she stopped to clear her voice unsure and when she looked at him she saw Samwell encouraging her to keep talking with his kind gaze. Cassie took a breath and closing her eyes she spoke again "My father is distant, just distant. Drown too much in his problems. My mother, however…" her mother was a different story "Since I was a baby, I can not remember a single moment of her being kind to me, hugging me or kiss me to sleep.. not even one. She didn't smiled at me when I brought her flowers as a child. And she wasn't proud when my uncle told her the progress I was making in fighting" She took another breath "With Joffrey it had been different, however" her mother had always looked Cassie like there was something wrong with her. Like she hated something of her. Cassie didn't knew if her mother could ever hurt her, but surely her words were sharp enough.
Cassie shook her head composing herself again "Growing up I started not to care. She can like whoever she wants" her hands clanged in fists.
"I fear that that is impossible" she turned to Sam when he spoke "Even if they hurt us, they are our parents. We'll never stop to care, or think about them or.. try to make them proud" he smiled at her. It was the first time, the first time in her life that she had found someone who understood that, who lived in the cold in their own house. She had never spoke about it with anyone, not even Jon. For how much he could had suffered for Catelyn, she wasn't his mother. Ned on the other hand loved Jon not differently from his children. She could never talk about it with the Starks, they couldn't understand.
"I just don't know what I have done" Cassie muttered letting go her sadness for the first time.
Samwell nodded understanding "Probably just being you, but I think you should never be sorry for that."
"The same goes for you, Samwell" she said with a sad smile, but he shook his head.
"Sam" she nodded.
"Cassie."
"Cassie" he repeated happly.
They were there, talking about the Wall, when Cassie saw Jon walking down the stairs that lead to the lord commander's chamber with a letter in his hands and with a broken expression on his face. Cassie and Sam looked at each other before running down the stairs to reach Jon in the yard.
He was pacing like he was crazy. His shoulder were tense, his fist was clenching the letter and on his face was painted an almost desperate expression.
"Jon" Cassie asked carefully, but he didn't turn. She took a breath before walking closer to him and put an hand on his shoulder. He slowly raised his grey gaze to met her blue one.
"Jon, what happened?" what could have upset him so much?
"It's.. It's about Father, he got badly injured" a shiver ran down her spine, Ned was in King's Landing. That place was so different from Winterfell; maybe someone had tried to rob him "He got attacked by the Kingslayer" Cassie's hand fell from Jon's shoulder before she took a step back.
"What?"