Huh? Trial? Has it started already?
Can't she at least say what this trial is about?
She just left.
Just like that?!
I glance around, half-expecting her to be watching — maybe grinning behind some veil I can't see.
Can she still hear me? Still spy on my thoughts?
...Damn bitch.
I always hated sketchy people like that.
Then — in the blink of an eye — the world shatters.
No, not shatters… it vanishes.
Everything disappears.
The floor beneath me, the air around me, all gone.
Just me, hanging in the dark — the void.
Except it wasn't gone. Not really.
It was still there...
Above me?
My feet lose all sense of ground.
Did I even have ground to stand on?
Did I ever?
But now I'm falling.
Downward… I think.
The void — once above — now shrinks away, like I'm being pulled from it.
Sucked into somewhere deeper, stranger.
My body keeps falling. My thoughts lag behind.
Is this the trial?
The start of it, at least?
A sick twist turns in my gut, something between dread and vertigo.
The sensation claws at my stomach, forces bile into my throat.
I nearly puke.
But then — as if falling wasn't enough — the space itself begins to move.
Colors smear across the dark like paint on water.
Shapes start to ripple into view — towers, eyes, hands, clocks, all melting and reforming like wax.
Somewhere behind me, a voice laughs… or cries. I can't tell.
The sky has no top. The ground has no bottom.
I'm not sure there's even a me anymore.
Still, I fall.
Down, down, down…
To whatever lies beneath.
To whatever is waiting below.
As space and time around me appeared more clearly and vividly, memories formed—Ones of past lives, and ones I can't remember… Maybe some that I don't wanna remember as well.
Faces appear.
Familiar places.
Ones I wish I could forget.
Ones I was hoping to never need to think about again.
Ones I've tried my best to forget.
My mother, brother, and even my father appear. I can see them smile—memories of them,
Me when I was little, walking through the zoo on my father's shoulders.
Holding my bigger brother's hand as he teases me about how the animals will eat me alive.
My mother with that bright smile she always carried, One that made me feel at home. Holding her warm hand as I eat the ice cream she bought me to stop my crying.
Memories of me at home, walking to school for the first time. My mother, of course, following me there on the first day, Picking out my clothes, a backpack, and a lunchbox.
Ready to go, we head out the door.
It's clear that I was feeling a nervous, tingling feeling in my stomach.
Even as I fall down this endless pit of memories forming, I can't help but shed a tear.
I miss them.
Those words are ones I've been holding onto for far too long. Tried my best avoiding even thinking about it. And the words I forgot to tell them were that I love them… that, and goodbye.
But as those thoughts ran through me, the memories kicked me back into absorbing again. Time passes quickly, and I seem to grow—less and less memories are with my family… people in general. There are both happy memories but also sorrowful ones.
Ones with my first real friends in middle school… but watching these memories clearly, they weren't real friends. Real friends are the kind I have today.
These faces… I almost forgot the names of, even though they acted like good friends—or I thought they were. But as time passed, even them, the best friends I had, moved away, finding new nests, new groups, new people to form bonds with. As they did, their whole personalities changed, as if they started acting in a different way. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to them anymore—not because I hated them, but because they seemed so different and distant, like I didn't know them anymore.
That was the first big reason I began to stop starting new friendships. I began being a loner—not talking to many, not looking at many, not caring about many. I was simply there, doing my best to make my mother happy.
It was around this time my father had gotten into that fight—prisoned by his non-conscious crime. That's when I realized what people are… all of them are bad. Caring about them is just a waste. The only ones you could believe in and trust are your family.
I barely got through my grades, though. Most of the time, I could lie about how I got a good degree, but my mother quickly caught on. My brother started becoming more distant, calling me dumb for not being able to make it through school.
I even told them I had friends—a lot of them. But both my mother and brother could see through that act easily.
And then I just stopped. I stopped caring—about school, about family, about the world. Except, of course, for the stuff that could take me away into other worlds. Ones that made me feel more at home than my own life.
Playing games, barely even talking to people online—most of them were just stupid anyway. Though some were relatable, it made me feel like I wasn't the only one. But as always, people aren't trustworthy anyway.
Offline games were the way to go for me. I read a lot, watched movies and series. They always made me feel alive—more than the real world did.
Well, all these things made my mother curious. She didn't like it. But what did she know? Nothing.
Well… now that I think about it, I believe she did. But back then, why would I ever think she knew anything about it? She clearly knew I didn't like school for valid reasons, and she tried to support me all she could.
And the last memory I truly had from her was on my birthday… good memory, that would be.
When I turned 17, I almost forgot about it. But she surprised me. It was her, me, and my brother. She told me she tried her best to bring my father, but she couldn't make it work.
She had bought me a birthday cake—one that stood at the table as I got home from a walk through the city. That walk was also the first time I started thinking it might be better to just end it. Of course, I didn't do it that day. I mean, I didn't have the courage.
But when I got home, not even knowing it was my birthday… as I opened the front door, walking into the house, it felt a bit suspiciously quiet. Thinking not too much about it, I hung off my jacket and took off my shoes, walking into the kitchen to take something to eat.
That's when the kitchen brought a light to my eyes—a good-smelling cake. But before I even processed it, two loving faces jumped up from their hiding spots, shouting, "Happy birthday, Kaito."
It brought a smile to my face—a genuine one I hadn't worn in a long time. It felt good. Very good.
That day, I was laughing. Having fun with my family. Of course, it all would've been better with my father there. However, we were up for almost half the night—playing board games and card games, chatting with each other, enjoying ourselves.
Come to think of it, that was probably the best day I'd had in a very, very long time.
It made me think differently. I began trying to stroll over to school again, even if it was just once in a while. Then Christmas came, and once again we had a great time, even though I was feeling down most of the time. Though there was a relief in my chest that I had school break, so I think I was more thankful for school break than Christmas itself.
Then I kept on going, going to school as much as I could—even though that wasn't much.
But after summer break, I stopped going to school completely. I guess I just didn't have the energy or power to do it anymore.
And not long after—8 to 9 months after Christmas—I chose to take my life away.
I felt that was the clear answer to everything.
I mean, no life, no problems, right?
Even though… dying with regrets felt awful.
Jumped off that bridge about one… maybe two months before my birthday.
To be honest, I couldn't care less to remember what day it was.
But it didn't matter either way.
I wouldn't need to care about it if I was dead, right?
Well, I didn't tell anyone back in Luminara it had been my birthday.
Well, who cares. I wouldn't have liked to celebrate it anyways.
Plus, it would've most def interrupted everyone's preparations for the festival.
That's the last memory I can see—the last one stored.
I keep on falling, even deeper.
The space around me starts to swirl again as new memories appear—newer ones—and relief fills my stomach as the ones from my family and old life disappear.
The same relief I felt when I killed myself.
Does this place even have a fucking bottom?!
Lunithia is the one putting me through this shit… is she watching?
Is she absorbing this?
From her view, thinking she isn't greedy… doesn't have desire for others' lives.
That greedy piece of goddess shit.
Cursing, talking shit about the one who put me through this, the space around me becomes more clear again.
This time, memories from Luminara.
Am I supposed to just go through all this?
See my whole fucking life flash before me?!
Can I just close my mind and choose not to watch?
But these memories… are actually ones I like to cherish.
First one appearing is Yumiko.
Stubborn as always.
I almost forgot how stubborn she could be back when I first met her.
I really wonder what her background is.
There's mostly good memories.
I read a lot, learned a lot, talked with people again.
And it's such a big difference from my old life.
I changed so much thanks to the people back there.
It truly was a perfect life.
No pain, no regrets to think of…
It was just an easy life.
That time me and Yumiko were out in town, shopping for items…
She bought that necklace… I can't seem to remember what it was for though.
I remember it was said to hold some kind of power.
And then the time when we were preparing for the festival.
Truly a fun time.
And then the most vivid memory I'll be cherishing for the rest of my life—the festival.
The fireworks.
Umi… seeing her on that rooftop, her hair floating with the wind…
I remember it like it was just yesterday.
Actually, come to think of it, I spent a lot of time with Umi during the festival.
Of course, I spent some with Yumiko as well…
She was always fun to be around, and she showed a different side of herself under the festival—which I liked.
Then after that, time felt like it went way too fast.
Before I knew it, we were kidnapped… and well…
I lost everything—again.
Memories float by quickly, since the time I spent in Luminara was just within a month.
A short time… yet more memories than I'd ever have in a year in my old world.
Again, the memories rampage around me, swirling, making me almost dizzy, as the colors make my eyes see things that don't even feel real.
Memories from the life I'm living now don't appear.
Instead, the space around me flickers.
The silence feels loud.
The colors are so bright I can't even look at them.
Everything moves in quick motion, almost beyond comparison—
Then, suddenly, it all stops.
For just a split second, it feels like I land on something...
Water.
But it doesn't splash.
Doesn't make a sound.
A dark room surrounds me.
The floor is water—
Water I'm standing on now,
Water I can't see through,
Water with no visible end.
Standing there, three choices appear before me:
A life back in my old world.
A life back in Luminara.
The life I'm living now in this world.
Or... nothingness.
They appear like gates.
Gates standing before me in the endlessness of this watery void.
For me, the obvious answer is either this world… or Luminara.
I want both.
But I can't have both.
Do I really have to choose?
Is this the trial?
Depending on what I choose…
Do I pass?
Or do I just pick the path I'm going to suffer through?
"Please choose within ten seconds."
Lunithia's voice echoes through the silence of my thoughts.
Ten seconds?
How the hell am I supposed to choose within ten seconds?
There's the obvious answer—to go back to Luminara.
That's where I want to be…
But this world… this life…
I want it too.
I want to stay.
I have friends here.
People I care about.
People who care about me.
I believe…
I will choose—
A life where I can be myself.
A life where I can meet people.
A life I can cherish.
This life… is that kind of life.
I step forward, getting closer to the gate.
Even as I try to silence my thoughts, I hesitate.
I rethink everything—
But I still move.
I step through.
I choose this world.
The world with the party I've grown attached to—
The people I can finally call real friends.
"You fail."