I can't help but ponder how it would be,how it would factually feel,To Just Be. I spent every second consumed inside my head,conveying versions of me that one specific human being expects to see right through me. EVERY human being. And so,I stay up all night,tracing the tracks,navigating through everyone's expectations but running deep into how they are inssupprebly proud of not acknowledging my capabilities but only grateful for my presence. It triggers my soul,nevermind my mind and heart that's screaming "You are not doing hard enough." SIX WORDS. That's what it took to drive me back to the edge,hang over the cliff while my feet hangs freely down to my downfall. And now I wonder,"
Is it imperative to passionately put your mind,Body and Soul out of the virtuousness of your heart only to be preparing your own coffin?"
I looked at the view before my eyes and I just knew he was the only fixation my soul needed. I was dependent of him,his love. Unquestionably. But still,he left me.
I closed my eyes and took a deep slow breath, calming my mind before it couldn't lose it's sanity behavior and throw the portrait I had in my hands across the wall. A portrait he had gave me one day,"The beauty of our love deserves an art,we are the art." Those were his words while he handed me the huge portrait, tears of unimaginable happiness drooling through my face as I thought of how lucky and madly inlove he was driving me with all his words,actions and the ways he conveyed his love to me. So sentimental always.
But now I stand in between the same walls,ontop of the same ground I had stood on to hang the art that held my entire soul for the longest time, but in contradiction...I removed it.
Anger. Despair.
I was fuming in all reference point of every emotion imaginable. I have worshipped him in every shred of his liars,held him closely to me when his world was trembling, when he needed a safe closet far away from the ugly world....I sheltered his soul like it was mine.
Out at the lake I wandered about,trying to get a sense of serenity,deep thinking and a pleasant alone time to my own thoughts and feelings. I sat down at the wooden deserted chair,lake view at my presence. Streams of running lake water sound fulfilling the core of my ear,closing my eyes and giving in to the silence.
" Absence.....Absence hear thou my protestation. Against Thy strength.Distance.And Length. Do what thou canst for alteration. For hearts of truest mettle. Absence doth still. And time doth settle. "
I opened my eyes after reciting what my mother used to say to herself whenever her soul was disturbed,or rather simply lost.
I tried not to think too much of the heartbreak I was going through but my mind wouldn't wander off of it.Again and again.....Pickering at a festering sore better left untouched.
My heart was of a swollen infected wound,my ears disposing of the disturbing sounds of a ringing bell. Like the one you'd hear when you know you've smoked too much weed and it brought you to the highness of its fire. But my mind was bargaining with having to let it all go,to cease the sudden relentless my aching heart was concealed of. I tried, I tried listening to my own mind. To imagine life without him,a new journey to walk through Alone. But I felt adrift,anchorless in a running lake.